My Psychedelic Experience


I am not certain of the correct place to put this post so I am placing it here for now.

I have been having troubles and struggling with my mental health for a while now. During which I have found myself to be painfully inactive. Not a minor laziness, but more in a way of acting proactively to engage in inactivity. I have confidence and anxiety issues which I find make it very difficult to share and engage with others. I am under the impression a lot of this is to do with an internal refusal to accept responsibility for thing.

Whilst through commitment to breathing exercises (Éiriú-Eolas) and basic timetabling and routines I have established a sense of progress at a snail’s pace, I have still found the barrier to action and engagement with others and myself a near insurmountable wall. By providing this very basic context I hope to give some idea of why I chose to take psilocybin and consequently have an experience. I happened to read through the December 9th 2017 session where it is suggested can help with ego problems. Since then I have also looked at this relevant Sott Radio show (Objective:Health #34 – The Healing Potential of Psychedelics). Being rather desperate for change I pursued this course of action probably giving it less though than I should have. Though, I typically find myself doing rather too much thinking and not enough action.

My own seeming commitment to in-activeness made this difficult and I only even got the as a result of some happy coincidences and help from a friend. It felt like I was getting some help from the universe.

I did this isolated in my room. I was initially imagining some naive miraculous fix for ego problems, if it would even do anything. The experience was quite different from that as it instead turned into several hours of writing things coming to mind during the experience. Note that there has indeed been a leap within myself and re-balancing of the ego, but this was not obvious until after the experience (still not in the way imagined). But, I intend to cover more personal developments in a follow up post. This experience took place on 7th November 2019.

For this post I instead wish to share my experience and what I wrote during it. Especially as difficulty sharing things in general has been one of my biggest issues; I also wrote that I should do so. I found what I wrote help convey to me certain things that had been mentioned on the forum and Cassiopaean material and see it in a new light. So that I felt I better understood. Of course I can’t really vouch for its accuracy and I actually wrote in the notes a section suggesting that the vehicle or rather myself and own personal perspective and personal baggage could affect the stuff I was receiving and trying to convey.

I mean first and foremost to share this experience and try and engage further in networking. I am hoping that others may find some comfort or understanding in reading it as I did. Or, perhaps just offer insight.

I have tried to put it all into a PDF file that should be attached.

Pages 1-10 cover most of the experience. 11-12 are when the experience is starting to fade and is more me reflecting on what happened and noting down certain thoughts.

Pg 0 is my basic narration of the experience prior to me starting writing.



Jedi Council Member
I read up to page 4. I will try to read more later if I remember to do so. Your experience reminds me of some of my own experimenting with the mushroom. Though, I have to admit, doing them alone as you did takes a lot of resolve. I often panic at the idea of being alone in the throes of a mushroom experience.

An old friend of whom I haven't spoke to in decades one day expressed an interest in using mushrooms with myself and another friend and sharing our creative music space at the time, the other friend had an elaborate audio setup with a mixer and two turntables that I helped him set up as I practically lived at his place and used the gear quite a bit. Anyway. while expressing this a sombre realization came over him and he admitted that he was certain this convergence would never happen unless we ingest the drug together and began to explain a scenario that your writing reminded me of:

In his scenario, he ingested the mushrooms alone and intended on going out to meet with friends. He never left his room. Instead, after he ate them and did some menial house chores in preparation to leaving, he was finally finished, and began to put on his shoes. This is where his potent focus on his own and body, motor functions, and thought processes took over. He eventually reached a moment of clarity where he was floored at the amount of time it took to him to come back to reality. He realized he was sitting there, still putting his shoes on well over an hour.

This is where he took to using his own creative equipment, and began patching some ideas together with his records. He regretted that none of his work that night was recorded as to his perspective at the time, it was amazing stuff.

The point is, that as he was telling me the story about how he lost himself at the foot of his bed, staring at his shoes, that he essentially recalibrated his connections to his body in a profound way that ended up in his delight and gratitude for being able to pilot such a complex, amazing being. I recall that during his story he still expressed this gratitude. I'll always remember that, as at the time (I was 17), I didn't have much for self gratitude, and was usually writhing in cliché teen nihilism which lasted far longer than it should have. I of course have had similar experiences to this relcaibration and gratitude on LSD, but usually on mushrooms, I tend to have negative experiences for much of the event.

Unfortunately, as turbulent as our lives were back then, this creative union never took place.

* * *

Doing mushrooms alone, which I've done, have almost always been a negative experience. While I always would love to get lost in my thoughts and among my various things, I usually am plagued with the notion that the police will arrest me, or that unseen anonymous enemies would take my vulnerability as a chance to strike! I've also felt that my body was settling into rigor mortis when I sat still too long. These things seem to never happen when I'm with someone else, whether they are intoxicated or not, just having someone else around seem to help me avoid sinking into discomfort and obsessing over basically nothing.


On reflection I think it may be easier for people to read if I just post it all into the forum.

[] Marks my commentary when typing up the experience.

I don’t see a way to edit my initial post so will add it here.

I will post the original writings for consultation in my next post. It can make it easier to see text imagery.

Pg 0
I started off by reading some of the book Dune in my bed. After a while I felt physically tired so lied down and draped my jumper over my head to keep out the light. I would occasionally reach out to drink my water and found it to become increasingly difficult. Over time I began to feel heavy and all movement became a struggle.

This eventually extended to breathing. I had to consciously put great effort into breathing, trying my best to perform big breaths. I closed my eyes and started to wonder if I was going to die. I started to wonder if breathing was worth all the effort. Then in my mind there was a button. I knew this button represented death. I considered there was a choice before me and thought over how I never seemed to be able to get myself to do much of anything. Then I decided to turn away from the button. Another few seconds past as I continued struggling breathing and then in a sudden burst of frustration I slammed the newly appeared button which glowed red on pressing it and cracked the imagined surface it lay upon.

So I slowed my breathing, I had accepted to die right? But, I found I continued breathing and powering through clinging to life. After some more time past I decided rather suddenly that if I wasn’t going to die then I should do something. So I grabbed my paper and pen and tried to write what I was experiencing, my body still feeling very heavy.

On reflection and consideration of personal development since then I suspect the button event was some representation of the battle between the ego and my true self. The one who was afraid of action, effort and responsibility was not me at all but my ego that would rather die than endure the suffering of life.

Below are both the original writings and their digital rewrites for easier reading. The originals include some imagery and interesting writing style choices, so I recommend looking at them side by side. I have made some minor effort to try and make some sentences easier to understand and in the rewrite changed a few words, but mostly left it as is.

Thank you for reading. I will try and write a follow up post in the near future on the more personal changes from the experience that have been quite notable to me.

Pg 1
I would say I feel a lot heavier like my movements take a lot more effort. However everything around me feels lighter. However even examining objects I can feel for their true weight and see it as the same. I think it only feels lighter relative to myself which feels heavier. The main struggle is within, everything outside is easier, lighter at least relatively speaking.

Though I would describe this weight as the difficulty of coordinating. The enlarged writing style and such is reflective of the difficulty the self has in expressing itself through all the weight of the body and its ego.

[Because I felt heavier relative to objects, it was difficult to coordinate my writing]

The greater weight had to be mastered, thus in my actions the relative power or effort required is not as well judged leading to messy writing. In fact I would say I do not actually normally put any thought into my handwriting at all. I suppose this reflects the immense effort that goes into the mere subconscious processes that maintain a style of handwriting. I would describe my internal laughter as due to an appreciation of this immense complexity and effort behind every action taken.

My writing itself feels somewhat bizarre; sometimes I don’t even look directly at the pen. It feels as if I am writing and thinking without delay between the two. This makes it hard to continue sentences as if I lift my pen to think, its original context can completely change in the time spent contemplating and not writing.

I did not realise at first writing change across a second piece of paper until now. I guess my increasingly erratic hand is not used to such speed (relatively) of thought into action. My hand feels like a mechanical machine or printing device entirely separate from my conscious mind. If I look up from the paper I will write as above. It seems to require conscious focus to get a writing style of this limited quality. The purely automatic seems far less competent.

Pg 2
I spoke of feeling heavier and at first this made it feel difficult to breather, and generally move my body. Though it is not coordinated well, I am now adjusted to the weight without birthing/breathing difficulties and such. The focus on writing is now irritating as it is painfully slow relative to the speed I am capable of. But I feel I must to this to keep my writing legible. Slower speed, that it may be easier to understand. I keep hearing background noise from the attic much like the occasional bird but constant. Since I have wondered several times whether ‘friend’ was coming up to the ladder it sounded as such. Potential time. Point of entry time is not certain it is relative to the body.

The weight of the body does not include time. TIME is relatively light compared to the body and consciousness, it is managed by thought processes not the other way around.

My writing is so ridiculously slow right now it takes a great deal of will to not let my hand perform a


[While writing I felt an urge to finish the lines of text as fast as possible, here I stop retraining myself and just end up drawing a line
with the next word I write as you will see above.]

Expectation and context controls the bodies perception of time.

My actual mind seems blank. Even the brain cannot compute thoughts as fast as consciousness can input*. The efforts of incarnating is due to the slow down and focus of consciousness allowing it to be properly applied.

Otherwise the process is sooo fast it will counter-intuitively take longer to do anything as it cannot do so through physicality, yet it is the experience of the physical that develops consciousness fastest.

*This is why people draw colour lines, they cannot interpret but they feel the love and need to express it. I cannot even explain anymore the reason for my happiness. My vehicle is too inferior to process the input.

[I am referring here to my friends’ experience in which they said all light sources were very bright and they were compelled to draw coloured lines on paper]

pg 3
Writing effort is so hard my sentences and words are not even always written chronologically. As said, time is relative to consciousness.

[Ironically most of my writing from here on was written chronologically]

The body in its slowness has undeniable urges to express such joy in more understandable ways such as creative acts and art. Bu at its core it is all the same thing, LOVE at creation being expressed.

I can see what is going on now just as I had to learn to breath this experience is showing me the lessons of how to be incarnate. Breathing at first as a child, understanding, and then becoming linked to the consciousness more purely, still it cannot express itself properly until it matures and learns how to do so in its new vehicle.

(No time as perceived) The process of aging, why though, consciousness is always the same age*, but like riding a bike the consciousness needs time/ or rather the body does in order to learn. *(relatively speaking, spiritual maturity is the only way to measure age and even then cycles)

Because of this early childhood learning is important.*

Example of creative thought speed, I cannot even explain right now the reason for writing the above sentence.

*You’re refining the process of how to output creative stuff in an understandable manner, if met with undeserved negativity this can cause the child to see such a way of expression as bad. Creative energy can then instead fuel negative habits.

I really wish I would stop focusing on writing and just enjoy myself and embrace the creative energy I feel. But I feel I must try and convey some of it in a way my vehicle can compute and thus use to better develop me as a consciousness spiritually.

[It is here that I take a quick break. In this time I turn off the lights and look around in the darkness. After this experience I made drawing 1.]

Pg 3 draw 1

I indulged for a moment. Even in darkness I could see.

Future focus relative to us.

Drawing 1
Background/no light
Filaments of light everywhere
Consciousness/ bright lights vary, its the potential of consciousness the cosmic battle, shrinking, growing all through experience.
Conscious specks dim but visible in the darkness
entropy, nonbeing
[It seems I have Yin and Yang on the wrong side relative to entropy/nonbeing and creation. This may be an example of my own lack of knowledge affecting the message. Though, it does bring to mind the black dot in the white side and the white dot in the black side of the Yin and Yang symbol. Each are connected to one another and are part of each other. After all at this point in time we are STS beings, hopefully striving towards STO.]

Pg 4
No time) finding one part find the whole.

That is why there is no paradox the consciousness is eternal. So it needs no creation.

Time or the past and such is the conscious universe in its whole looking at itself or rather within itself and thus sees how it could have progressed.

All potential.

It’s us looking back that creates us, we are in that sense our own creators.

We at the universal level CHOOSE to look back and reflect on ourselves which is what as with quantum probability manifests our current conscious experiences.

Not even sure how I got that.

Literal looking glass. Us in future (relative) looking through glass to our past selves.

It is us.

So non-consciousness chooses not to look back and thus their past is nothing but chaotic uncertainty to reach that future state of nothingness.

So long term we are heading back up the looking glass as it were.
[Perhaps ‘through’ would be more appropriate]

Forum, share, network.
Because we are all, we need to form connections to become all in the future. Importance of networking. Communication.

Pg 5
Starting as it began, no ending. I in my vehicle, fall down to sleep in a tired state. But in death return to a full conscious state and away from the body. Birth is learning to use it.

Looking back at the paths. Afterlife consciousness still developing. You’re Conscious level is similar to your bodies, via context and stuff that shapes your surroundings.

Lessons are about learning to process this creative energy, expressing it up until you become it. 7th level.

We want to know what we are.


So lies are not what we are.

If we lie about ourselves and get consumed in lies we are not truth. To be truth we must persevere and fight against lies and false selves in order to answer the question that was asked the same one that many on earth ask


Reaching for truth, it’s a long journey

It was the journey that mattered, no. The whole matters. But the whole says the journey is part of me, that also matters, what was it? That is why the journey matters because we look at it and thus give it value.

Must share/place time
[Telling myself to share my experience]

1st various heavens, afterlife is what you are ready for, see truth more clearly 7th.
[This last line of text is written as if ascending, through densities and levels of consciousness. The better you are at seeing the truth the closer you get to 7th]

The oddly drawn question mark resembles an appendage reaching for the dot. ‘Reaching for truth’]

Pg 6
Broke off to go to loo. Body controls loose fitting as it were.


Even small parts of life can lead to significant transformation.

*At first I saw no lesson in my journey downstairs, I was just going to write an account of it, but in doing so in awareness, cosmic truths were revealed.

I wanted to say I think, but at some level I know (universal truth), though in expressing through my body there is danger of miscommunication or misleading like in Chinese whispers. Thus we in the NOW must search for truth ourselves.

7th) We the truth searchers ask in truth, who am I?
But at the same time we are those who ask in truth the same question, for how could it be otherwise?
This is very funny. Comment: Is this higher us sense of humour?

We are both looking at each other through the looking glass.

Future we only look for potential. Calling the past. Now we are the ones who pick up the phone. We think we are calling out to C’s but they are calling to us. Ha Ha Ha :) :) :-)

[I found all these writings and thoughts very amusing at the time as may be obvious]
That is the trick to rapid conscious development. Understanding where you came from now. Current incarnation, past incarnations, understanding the path from matter to tree, tree to bird, mammal to man, allows you to contemplate the next step and thus connect with yourself in the future.

Pg 7
There is a lessons limit that when you reach it you are ready to move on. You fully look back. When you fully look back on yourself in 3rd density and see you for what you are that is when you can be 4th density. For really you are 4th density you, looking back analyzing 3rd density you, previously insinuated, point of realization.

I am not learning many secrets about my specific contextual situation but I am being reminded of who I am and who I can be.

However [However is crossed out]
no excuses

It reminds me of why I should try and not just give up, we strive for union with the one, union with ourselves and thus everything.
When we truly see ourselves then we can also truly see others.

Hypocrisy is a sign of problems, or warning of danger.

When you ask why, the darkness calls saying why not this or that (1*) isn’t it great, isn’t it grand, and down, and down, you go shrinking smaller and smaller.
[1*: while writing the sentence my hand was drawn down the page and then into a spiral representing the descent back into primal matter via STS. I couldn’t help but notice a visual resemblance to the reverse Reiki ‘power symbol’ in the Wave chapter 17. ]

Must fight, break out of circle of despair.
Cycle trap, this is what STS wants, or rather doesn’t/ it does not want the pain of knowing and thus would rather sleep itself into nonexistence. Not exactly painfully but tragic.
[Referring to STS ignoring true wants and needs of the inner self]
I don’t mean to say this cannot be painful. But appears in their perspective relatively less so than the hardships of knowing and being yourself in truth.]

Pull below referring to STS trying to pull in everyone]
Since all are pulled and 7th density is there, we in the future say that a hero is needed, our tale cannot end there as it were, for otherwise how did we come to be. Then after a climatic [To Be Continued], where the valley of the souls journey is seemingly to be ended by the “knight” (also actual darkness) for it is we who would be our own slayers in our anti quest to not know ourselves(2*). So cosmic forces must be rumbled that we the observers lend a hand to ourselves or rather those that would be us, offer a chance for us to reach up and grasp ourselves that we might be pulled up at the last moment just when all seems lost.
[The compression of this paragraph as it runs out of space at the bottom of the page reflects the last moment salvation. Kierkegaard’s talk of the importance of the eleventh hour in ‘Purity of Heart’ comes to mind.]

2*: I spent a lot of time thinking over the wording of this sentence and almost decided to change it. After all surely it should be the souls journey that’s about to be ended. But in reality the soul’s journey never ends. Returning to 1st density primal matter via STS only restarts the steady climb up the ladder of consciousness.
I see valley here to mean a low point in the journey of the soul. Which would ultimately end as the soul inevitably would move on from this point whether in recovery and forward movement or devolution and destruction. Ultimately it is up to us the “knight” to move on from this point in either a positive or negative way.]

Often requires a cosmic shakeup. Wave if not obvious.

Pg 8
Thus we approach the power of the observer. Should it not be obvious if you ascend by looking back, then in true observation you have power. For you see in the past what was and thus may know what must be done to stop it.

We in the future are looking back through us, so the better lenses we are for viewing the truth the better divine aid or rather creative energies can be channeled through us/change the story.

Do not pieces of fiction go through the editor (higher levels) several times before publishing?

If we ignore our surroundings and self then we will consign ourselves to an unhappy end, in essence refusing the help of our editors/not that we would ever be so direct.

The editors want a good story, for it to be a financial success. But the writer too must want to succeed and be willing to accept his mistakes and unnecessary side plots in order to create a masterpiece. Diamond in the rock-consciousness
[I have personal issues with not being direct particularly with conversation, in what I perceive as an attempt to avoid responsibility for my thoughts.]
Struggling to convey point here

Don’t look outside for salvation or saviour figure look within.
[When writing about salvation/saviour figure I had some thoughts ‘don’t expect Laura to carry all the baggage.’ In addition to some warning that how I would write it at the time could be negatively interpreted or misread as an anti Laura statement. Since as noted I was struggling to convey my points for the above paragraphs I decided against writing it at the time. But I would explain the idea now as, it’s ok to look up to others for guidance and help but they cannot do everything for you. You need to do your part.]

Disney Hercules) True measure of a hero is the strength of one’s heart

look inside [Archetypal heroes like Perseus come to mind]
If you are not strong within then your external strength is but a facade and as temporary as your body. Build your house on the rock.

Pg 9
No fast and easy route. Well pure consciousness is fast but you will be lucky to register even the pebbles beneath your feet at such speeds. Being faster than matter can make it hard to relate to it. Much better to slow down smell the air and grass.

One can wiz around in the joy of creation, but one can also pause for a moment to look at and try to define the essence of this thing that brings them joy. Through creative pieces of art and other such things. In making such things others and hopefully you yourself will look on such things to explore their meaning.

As above how below.

Trying to explain the joy of creation is similar to 7th density us looking at us. In trying to define and express it you must bring it to its basic parts. 3rd level colours, grand art pieces.

But as you go higher and as lenses of truth you can peer deeper and creatively express things more deeply so at 4th level you can do this through creating material life and its components.

Thus life is you in the future asking how I came to be in doing so cause its creation in such a manner.

STO consciousness will help to elevate willing consciousness as they themselves work towards union with the one.

I hope I share this. (Send :-))
[If you are reading this hopefully it means I shared it.]

Mind starting to descend in to matter about this point.

Pg 10
Starting to feel mopy. Getting back to the old (infinite) grumpy material vehicle. But such things are important analytical machines, sophisticated computers we use to pear inside ourselves. Ironic as we would normally think of consciousness inhabiting our bodies whereas it’s a creation of our consciousness that we peer through like some microscope. It is laughable to think an infinite consciousness could even fit into a finite molecular machine. Rather it connects, as with a radio, making it unnecessary for us to squeeze in skin suits like Slitheen (Doctor Who monster).
[I used to watch a lot of Doctor Who]

We build the various machines to better inspect ourselves. I am getting the idea that there may appear some contradiction as to the reason for machine origins but at its core it is all the same. Looking for understanding of oneself, which leads to efforts to express creative energies to reach that understanding.
[The possibly perceived contradiction in my mind was with pg 8 and mention of 4th density creating material life as expression of creative energy]

Grandfather paradox might be a problem in a material cosmic void, but for the infinite and eternal divine cosmic mind it is but an amusing thought, or dangerous what if. STS trying to destroy the thought of something greater than themselves, must hide in lies and anti spiritualist propaganda.
[ Descent of text represents the downward pull of STS. ‘What if’ in the sense of purely materialistic thought and abandoning spirituality.]

Pg 11
I am getting back to myself. I would describe the experience as feeling this connection and creative energies. In my view they are not able to be properly comprehended by the human body. I had as mentioned a strong impulse to merely draw lines with my pen across the sheets. But I suppose I was determined to use my vehicle as best as I could to convey certain things that came to me or through me.
Whilst I would have liked to indulge and simply enjoy the euphoric experience, we chose to take these vehicles. To continually exist in such a state while incarnate would contradict the entire purpose of incarnation.

I guess the experience felt like a general shake up or reminder of reality, I went in hoping for some more practical insight into my personal issues and ego and such things. But instead I came out comforted and better informed on things I had not been clear on. It reminded me that I have to face my own problems myself in order to reach myself in the future, but also reminded me of why I should try.

I have some thoughts that dead timelines are kind of like drafts that did not make the final cut. But good pieces may be incorporated into the final work. I am just noting this as I had previously been thinking about how myself and other timeline me’s worked.

On explaining the happiness, I would say it was initially understanding the immense complexity and effort of the body required for breathing and other basic thing. But then over time as stated I could no longer logically convey the reasoning behind the sensation. Besides the occasional points of information about cosmic reality that were viewed as very funny in the moment, particularly the idea of both us and our future selves being truth seekers and finding each other through that act.

Draw 1) I drew it after succumbing to the urge to embrace the creative energy for a moment and turning off the lights. At first it appeared dark but then I saw small blue lights. I could also see even smaller lines in the air. I did this a second time before finishing the drawing. The second time was more dark with the light filaments being more apparent this time. There were many of them but they appeared to be organised in patterns. Order vs chaos, or rather vs nothingness.

Pg 12
Towards the beginning and first few pages I could hear in my mind various music playing.
When writing on STS things I would feel a downward pull sensation leading to a descent of words. Such sensations is what led to the spiral sentence on pg 7.
The spiral looks somewhat like the reiki symbol. [explored on page 7]

Thank you for reading.]
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I will try now and convey some of my physiological life issues and the results following the ego in particular. Perhaps it may help others struggling to asses if this route may help them move forwards.

As I mentioned my decision to have the experience was based on my apparent inability to move myself forwards. Thanks to a social anxiety towards all forms of interactions with others, I seemed unable to really cooperate with those who tried to help me. I wanted to move forwards but was also restrained by fear and anxiety of accepting the responsibility of doing so.

I had hit a wall going forward. And looking back I had probably been pacing in front of it for a few years leading up to the breakdown of both my physical and mental health over the last couple of years. I became increasingly aware of this barrier to major progress even as I began the recovery process. In the last year engaging more seriously in breathing exercises which steadily lead to a rebuilding of diet, health and time management.

I became increasingly internally cooperative and with the efforts to help from those around me. External action and particularly sharing and communication was nearly impossible without extended pressure from others. I suppose I was afraid of being criticized. In reality criticisms are generally a positive thing if you earnestly engage with them to improve yourself. Awareness of this however did not help me overcome this anxiety.

I would sit with others worrying whether I should say something and that is all I would do. It was very difficult to initiate anything.

I mentioned over thinking and I had in my opinion reasonably observed and analysed my own problems and could explain to others how and why I would act in certain ways. It felt like I had the basic knowledge I needed to overcome the situation and need only apply it to move forward. This appeared the major problem, the ability to translate my thoughts into words or action seemed to be on the other side of this mental barrier. The tools which logically could help me overcome the barrier were on the opposite side.

This problem itself in communication only really became seriously considered by myself in the last 5 years or so, though it can be seen going all the way back to childhood. I would never initiate friendships. In both the first years of secondary school and sixth forum/college I would read in my free time, until after repeated approaches by people trying to engage with me would move into their friendship group.

Interaction was limited to education institutions. I did not interact really with anyone outside my family and extracurricular activities besides that. I was often without much in the way of company and this did not seem to concern me and would spend my time with games that would increasingly be computer based. As a university student I was pretty much isolated and ‘content’ but certainly not lonely.

The first thing I noticed after the experience is I feel something inside, or rather a lack of something. I feel an internal emptiness. I went through my daily activities, nothing. I read through some of one of the evolution books I had been looking at, nothing. I tried computer games that always seemed to be entertaining enough to distract me from important stuff, nothing.

I thought over the incident (of pg 0) and wondered whether what actually had pressed the button, wanting to die rather than manage the effort of living was not actually me but my ego. I got the impression that all my enjoyment and drive for things was all property of the ego. Without it I felt like an empty shell, and literally started asking myself, who am I? What do I want? What gives me joy?

Due to this void I was drawn to my family for comfort and found that this sensation of emptiness was countered by interaction with others. I consider now that this feeling of emptiness may in fact be loneliness and I can honestly say that in all my conscious memory of this life I had never felt lonely before that moment. Duyunne mentioned my resolve of having the experience alone, but from my perspective at the time it would have taken greater resolve for me to do so with others.

Somehow leading up through my life up until the point of the experience the ego had acted as some substitute for human interaction. Suddenly I could see and understand why and how other people seemed to so easily interact with others, because they could feel loneliness when alone and it would bring people together.

I think perhaps this might have been the key needed to move past the barrier. Motivation. The desire to be STO, besides it simply being the right thing or that willingly pursuing STS in awareness of it being illogical would be foolish. I think of Kierkegaard speaking of how the ‘Truth’ does not need us, but we need the ‘Truth’.

Now the ego was not literally dead and gone. But it has been clear that the balance of power shifted. It seems to me that before it was the Ego driving with my true self as a passenger occasionally providing input and suggestion, sufficient to guide me to certain sources of knowledge and understanding. But with the reluctant Ego still ultimately in control such things were rarely applied.

Now I would say it is the inverse with my true self as the driver and the ego as the passenger. I am unlearned and inexperienced. Taking directions from the ego when I struggle to find my way, but ultimately I am directing the vehicle. This process is ongoing and I have found the following statements useful for considering direction.

Session Date: May 18th 2019

(Artemis) redemption by helping others.

(L) Yeah, achieve redemption by giving to the universe and others in need. I mean that in terms of thoughts, time, energy, whatever.

A: Yes.

When I am in front of someone now and have something to say that I think should be said, I stand around feel momentarily anxious and then just say it. As before I would just stand around feeling anxious or leave. When I think I should do something, I start to do it.

I can still recall my old thought patterns and cannot see what I could say to my past self to get myself to do these things besides the path I took.

I am both amazed and thankful, to this forum, but also to myself. Who, I feel previously I had a fairly uncaring attitude towards. Learning to love yourself I guess.


Jedi Council Member
I know this uncaring attitude towards yourself well. It’s a hard loop to get out of and easy to fall back into. Many people suffer in this way and it’s painful because they can’t and won’t get out of it unless they network. They can only be shown by example or by heartfelt or truthful testimony of others. I believe that it’s important we share our stories and our experiences so we can help disillusion the ego guarded individuality that imprisons us. Your work here is an example of it. Someone may have had these ideas before but couldn’t articulate or didn’t take the time to explain it to themselves or communicate with others about it, but the feeling invoked from the experience lingers. Reading your perspective can helps us reconnect with ourselves or reconnect with these fragments that weren’t rightly understood or captured. It also takes a lot of guts to post.


The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Hi Seato,

I saw a friend over the Thanksgiving holiday and for some reason he decided to try ‘magic’ mushrooms for the first time. He told me circumstance had it that he ended up alone during the experience and it went very badly for him. I think he is lucky he didn’t have a psychotic break and end up in the hospital.

So I’m glad you seem to have ended up unscathed in that respect, but it could have been an ill-advised decision on your part. I guess the horse has left the barn in terms of you taking action on your own though.

I scrolled through your posts since you joined the forum and didn’t see anything to indicate you talking about mental health issues before or seeking professional help. I guess if you have had significant, real problems communicating in general due to extreme social anxiety, etc that that could keep you from doing so here and seeking help from a professional, if you haven't before.

Now that you have a little foothold to be able to start communicating, why not consider pursing a more traditional approach to the mental health issues you are experiencing, such as seeing a counselor or psychologist?

Have you tried doing EE (even without the bioenergetic portion that can cause those with mental health issues problems at times)?

Have you looked into Neurofeedback – NeurOptimal?

All three helped me recover from mental health issues, one being social anxiety even if my experience with that doesn’t seem to be as extreme as yours., and deal with some of the underlying reasons I experienced the issues in the first place. Each helped in its own unique way I think, so I’d consider them if I was in your shoes.

Also, networking some more here in general about your background and struggles I think might help as well.


The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Also, since you mentioned also having had a lot of problems with overthinking, I remembered this article recently posted to Sott. So you can also read up on the topic of overthinking and put into action some self-help activities, related to this that might help.



FOTCM Member
I happened to read through the December 9th 2017 session where it is suggested can help with ego problems.
Hi Seato, note that Laura mentioned that these types of substances may be helpful for people "in serious mental health situations", which doesn't seem to be the case with you considering the problems you mentioned (confidence and anxiety issues). I hope that you will refrain from using this substance in the future, considering its effects when used more than once, and I hope you will network more so we can help you work through the issues mentioned and/or that you will consider psychological help or NeurOptimal as Mike suggested :-)


FOTCM Member
As I mentioned my decision to have the experience was based on my apparent inability to move myself forwards. Thanks to a social anxiety towards all forms of interactions with others, I seemed unable to really cooperate with those who tried to help me. I wanted to move forwards but was also restrained by fear and anxiety of accepting the responsibility of doing so.

I had hit a wall going forward. And looking back I had probably been pacing in front of it for a few years leading up to the breakdown of both my physical and mental health over the last couple of years.
Have you had a chance to check out some of Jordan Peterson's videos on social anxiety and fears? This is a really good one.



Jedi Council Member
Have you had a chance to check out some of Jordan Peterson's videos on social anxiety and fears? This is a really good one.
Thanks for sharing this vid, very useful indeed. This thread has got me wondering about a fair few things in my own life, so I'll mull things over before I reply in full to Seato's situation.

I suffer from chronic anxiety, tension and depression, though my physical health isn't bad at the mo. For 20 years I drank 2-3 beers a day and micro dosed weed ciggies to manage my condition, and when I switched to being completely sober I got a real shock to the system. I already had my symptoms, but then that's why I was self medicating. Anyway, I became a real moody old so and so when my playthings were taken away that's for sure.

Thankfully regular infusions of pure tobacco (Pueblo is my brand, a good strong smoke) really did help me cope, but I always was wistful for my former days, and it wasn't like I was actually getting drunk before, just a mild habit. Anxiety is a cruel mistress, you just tense up and nothing seems to completely alleviate it. I wrote a thread on anxiety in the swamp, better go back there and read what everyone had to say.

I've often wondered if a psilocybin dose would help me get a reset of sorts, quell the ego and all that, but in a constructive way. I took mescaline back in 1999 and it was a very positive experience. Thanks for this thread Seato, you've given me plenty to think about.
Hello, as they have told you, you must be very careful with psychedelic substances, both for the dangers reported by the Cs and for those that you can gather on your own, in this case be careful with misinterpreting the sections for the convenience of the moment and to go for the I walk more with less resistance ... add that as always you cannot rush things and accumulate so much knowledge as your rhythm can, celebrate the change as the Cs say ... at least do not feel so discouraged (is it easy to say no (hehehe), you have the impressive information of the Casiopaea material and many tanned people in this forum willing to help you!, think about this: as we are always very deep in the mud but at the same time you have this huge gift delivered to very few at your disposal !, in a bigger look you are very, very good.


FOTCM Member
The most important thing all about this is that We have work on Ourself. This kind of substance can help to understand the problem, but the work , effort it won't do itself. Why i'm overthinking? Is because i'm worried to much about the things, should i'll be worried about everything? Because that's where is going, if You don't star to select your thoughts, thoughts will increase :)


I am working on another big post in which I hope to explore more the context of my situation over the last couple of years in which I was suffering this breakdown; might take a while. The previous post was meant more so to give a basic overview of my physiological issues, so that I could convey the apparent changes I experienced. Rather than my life’s story, which at least in my perspective is slightly more complex than ‘guy with poor confidence and anxiety issues decides psilocybin is solution to life’s problems.’

I will just try and clear up a couple of things up below.

I have not before or since this single instance taken drugs and have no intention of doing so in the future. I do not mean my posts to recommend psilocybin use as a course of action. I cannot and will not assume others would have the same or a similar experience. But if people reading may feel they are at a point of despair in which they see no other way forward; perhaps at a point where they perceive such an action as a do or die situation. I hope I may provide insight into what may potentially occur, that they might take it into account and possibly have a better chance of recovery from it instead of further destruction as a result. Particularly I would emphasize the resulting sensation of loneliness, seemingly for the first time for me. I was fortunate enough to be in a living situation with a loving family. I could easily see that were I in a more isolated situation I may have gone forward in a negative direction.

I will also make clear that I was not fully alone during the experience. My friend whose name is blanked out on pg 2 was in a room nearby and aware of the situation, and would on occasion check on me. Not that this is any defense of my actions as due to my anxiety I would have done it without them, if they were not determined to ensure my safety. Though I will note that I was probably in a sufficiently negative state of mind that had I got a negative reaction, I suspect I may have tried to hide it in the hope of maximizing chances of fatality. The do or die mentality mentioned is from personal experience.

I will note I have recently been to a psychologist, but will not go into further detail at this time.

Now that you have a little foothold to be able to start communicating, why not consider pursing a more traditional approach to the mental health issues you are experiencing, such as seeing a counselor or psychologist?

Have you tried doing EE (even without the bioenergetic portion that can cause those with mental health issues problems at times)?

Have you looked into Neurofeedback – NeurOptimal?
To Mike, I have been doing EE and will take a look at the Neurofeedback-Neuroptimal stuff. Thank you for highlighting that. I saw that Sott article and have been trying to clamp down on myself anytime I am about to start thought looping.

On a lighter note over the last two days I seem to have experienced a frankly ridiculous increase in energy. I briefly mentioned how before when I wanted to do something I could now do it. Well now I seem to be extremely active because I feel I have all this energy I need to do something with; I did a long walk along the local canal yesterday.

Have you had a chance to check out some of Jordan Peterson's videos on social anxiety and fears? This is a really good one.

This brings to mind the Peterson video brought up by Turgon. In which he talks around the 7 minute mark about willingly accepting stress bringing forth positive emotion. I wonder if my sudden energy burst is something to do with that. I will note I have also been wearing the blulite glasses recommended by Keyhole over the last couple of days as well.

People keep adding more stuff as I am writing that I then want to comment on. :-)

The most important thing all about this is that We have work on Ourself. This kind of substance can help to understand the problem, but the work , effort it won't do itself. Why i'm overthinking? Is because i'm worried to much about the things, should i'll be worried about everything? Because that's where is going, if You don't star to select your thoughts, thoughts will increase :)
Hey biala84, I kind of wrote in one of my previous a bit about initially expecting (if experience was positive) a kind of miracle fix, but in reality gained some insight on reality. Only on reflection did I start to realize my altered perspective (loneliness), even then it just pushed me to do things. I find this funny because you are right that the work won’t do itself. But doing and interacting is just so easy now, relative to before it almost feels almost like some automatic process. I guess taking in Petersons comments maybe this experience was something akin to revving an engine; I still have to move the car myself by driving. But it’s a heck of a lot easier than pushing it around.

So thank you to everyone for your feedback. I will try and work on my life context post and get it out soon. I realized there was too much to get it done today, but I just felt the intense desire to post something.

Kay Kim

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
It seems, trying to access higher levels of psychical awareness using any substances, eventually harmful to user.

October 23, 1999

A: Several comments: First of all, .... melatonin does not force an alteration in physiological brain chemicals, as do mescaline, peyote, LSD, etc. Accessing the higher levels of psychical awareness through such processes is harmful to the balance levels of the prime chakra. This is because it alters the natural rhythms of psychic development by causing reliance on the part of the subject, thus subjugating the learning process. It is a form of self-imposed abridging of free will. Melatonin simply allows the system to clear obstructions in the brain chemistry naturally, thereby allowing the subject to continue to learn at a natural pace. And, it is by no means unimportant that melatonin is a natural body hormone. The other substances mentioned are, at least in part, synthetic, with the exception of peyote. But even that is not a natural ingredient of the human physiological being. And besides, we have already discussed the importance, or lack thereof, of those who pass judgment upon this exercise, or communication.
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