My second introduction...

[Yas]

Hello!

Although I have already posted some (many) pieces of my 'story' in the forum ... I think it is time to post something less confusing for you to know who I am.

As always, I have to say that I have doubts about whether or not I should post something more about me. I now understand that this issues come from my own internal consideration and lack of confidence. I have ideas like "Is it relevant?", "Who cares!" ... I realize that due to these thoughts and others of which I might say some more, I have never shared much about myself with anyone... my feelings, my thoughts on this inner world. And, I want to be honest with you now. I want to open myself because, I now understand why this is an important part of the process if you want to do The Work.

To a large extent, that of not wanting to share this sort of thing comes from an idea that I formed in response to a thought that my mother was constantly victimizing herself and I did not want to be like her, I developed the idea that "I can't be a weak person, I must bear it all." And to further that, I must tell you a little about my life, if that is not too tedious for you.

My mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (I've said that a few times already) more prone to depression, she was always very nervous and aggressive. In our childhood she was very ambivalent because at one time she was the most loving and friendly mother one could have and the other she yelled at us saying all sort of things and also physically hurting us... My dad, who also has his own issues, was always very affectionate and always did his best to protect us in times when my mom was very aggressive, at least when present, because he worked and traveled a lot. To avoid going into details, I will jump some years. But commenting, of course, that, as expected, adolescence was full of conflicts. I was completely 'introverted', stuck in my own world, I read The Lord of the Rings and spent the day imagining living in Middle Earth. Then came the drugs and I rolled on that for a while, until my brother attempted suicide. Since then, I quitted drugs telling myself that was not what I wanted for myself ... and also because my family took me as a support staff ... and I assumed it, of course. My mom was in crisis since then and one day she told me that from then on I had to take care of the family and do all the things she usually did. I was 15 by then. Obviously, something made me take responsibility, feeling obliged to do everything I could to help my family. I could not show sadness at any time (though there were times when I could not help and 'exploded'), I 'forced myself to be strong' so to say... Until I started to notice that it was not right and I wasn't feeling OK, so I decided to do therapy. This was one of the best decisions I made, along with quitting drugs, of course... ;)

Leaving aside my plans to study in another country (because I wanted to be around and continue to help the family) I started studying psychology (To understand the human being... I said...) and I found some texts of Margaret Mahler on the development of children. I must say, though Mahler sees everything from the perspective of psychoanalysis, reading this text made ​​me understand many aspects of my life and made me re-experience the what I lived during the years of childhood. This analyst is mentioned in the book 'The Narcissistic Family'. Luckily, I was doing therapy and we worked almost everything that came out at that time with the therapist, and with very good results I have to say...

I found that, as my mother was very ambivalent, that, from the perspective of a child, created a lot of insecurities in me. On one side, she was the loving mother who told me she loved me and on the other side, another mother who told me she hated me, beat me and told me that her life would have been better without me.

I was trying to understand something that had haunted me for long: I felt so amazed that I had so much dislike for myself and, yet, I was full of what we call "personal importance". (I now understand this better after reading the Psychology books and this forum) In those times I thought that since childhood I developed a defense mechanism that was to 'make everyone love me', 'please everyone' ... Being an excellent student at school and having all my teachers very happy with my notes (not so much with my behavior, lol). And this 'generated' the love of my mom. She congratulated me and stood proud when others spoke well of me. My brother, however, was physically punished by not being a good student, then, this reinforced my desire to 'please others to make mommy happy'. I saw that she was ashamed of us when we did not complied to her expectations. So I saw my insecurity and my extreme lack of confidence as being born in that 'mother-daughter system' and that settled deep into me since then. I stopped having my mom as a reference when I was pretty young, but this mechanism was incorporated into myself and I see it now as the Negative Introject, from Trapped in a Mirror.

I see that because this is exactly how I feel. Just as my mother, my own self-assurance became dependent on the others. My confidence became dependent on the others. What I am depends on how others see me and I am constantly fearing for how the other sees me... If he/she sees me as useless or stupid, o is he/she is angry at me.

Something I should mention (and that I'm ashamed of) is that this insecurity led me to look for 'love' everywhere and being 'attractive' to the conventions on beauty, many men were attracted to me and I, in turn, confused that with 'love' ... I reached the point of considering that all I had that was valuable was my 'physical beauty' (even though I hated the idea so I tried to be the less attractive possible by using very loose clothes, not brushing my hair and stuff like that... lol) because that was what everyone remarked and I lost my self several times in very vampiric 'relationships', since they consisted mainly in mutual draining of energy. Deep inside, I knew that was not me and I knew there was much more to me than this. (Despite all this, I was always attracted to the esoteric world, I kept reading philosophy, religion, sociology, among other things, but this is not what I'm talking about right now, though it might be the piece of myself that stopped me for getting completely lost). Yet, this had become a method of escape, a way to feel good about myself for a moment ... one that did not last long though.

Now, after having recognized this, much of the uncertainty is no longer present... although it appears at times and at specific times. For example, when writing here, I worry a lot, I am concerned that things do not 'fall right' and that I may appear like a fool to you. I know ... we all have our things ... So I share it, so you know how I feel and that's why I doubt very much about sharing here. I see a lot of internal consideration which leads me to internal dialogues like "will they think this or that about me?", "am I completely wrong?", "will they be angry?", etc... That internal dialogue is born out of insecurity and, in turn, it makes me feel more insecure and less confident. It is a circle that feeds itself once it starts. I see that fear rules me ... the fear of not being recognized, or accepted, of failing...

Shame also dominates me, I feel shame for all this... I feel ashamed to have hurt other in the past because I acted in the wrong way, ashamed of myself ... and this is indeed the "personal importance" or ego, it tells me that I should be better, that I should not make mistakes, I must always please the other. Is narcissism and feel ashamed for being narcissistic. It is the Negative Introject ... It is all that I've read lately and that has made me share it with you, because what I want the most, is to get free of all this and face myself, to do The Work and truly live as mistress of myself, transducer of that 'mysterious force'... to connect with my higher self. This, for me, goes beyond wanting to 'be well', in fact I'm pretty well (in terms of everyday life... the work and those things) and I could just keep fooling myself for a long time and be 'happy'... But I reached a point where I feel I can no longer go back and pretend I did not learn what I've learned and don't know what I've arrived to know. I've reached the point where I do not want to deny myself and my soul any longer, I don't want to lie to myself anymore... One can be relatively 'well' escaping from his/her self. I see people constantly preferring to remain as they are and do not see that there is more than this mechanical life we live... And I respect them now. But I see this is as a way that is beyond myself only. As I said, I have always had this other part of myself that was always asking questions about reality, existence and our 'reason' to be here, for me there was something more than just living the life this crazy system imposes to us. Not all my desire to 'serve others' comes from the desire to just 'please others'. Precisely, what brought me to wanting to do this WORK is that I realized that 'serving others' is not to be always nice, it is not about satisfying everyone's needs. I saw that we must first heal ourselves and seek to know ourselves and others, objectively, to really understand who we are and how we can truly 'serve others'. And now I understand that by working alone, by myself, I will not move forward because much of knowing oneself comes from the interaction with others and the reflection that they can do for us. I also understand that this cannot be done with any other, but it must be done with people who are doing the same process. Collinear people...

So... here I go into that abyss of no return. lol

I hope this wasn't too boring...

To be honest, i feel 'released' of so much after writing all this... From what I read from other members, this might be nothing to you, yet, it means a lot to me.

Thanks a lot for giving me the opportunity to be part of this experience!

Best regards!

 

[Jacques]

Hi Acid Yazz,

Thanks for sharing.

To be honest, i feel 'released' of so much after writing all this... From what I read from other members, this might be nothing to you, yet, it means a lot to me.

It is a good way to cure ourself.

 

[Nancy2feathers]

Hi Acid Yazz.
Thanks for sharing your story. I know for me also it`s been painful to go back to my childhood memories. Doing the Work here has brought me to a new awareness. This is a process, working on ones self...a healthy process with the support of this FORUM!

 

[OrangeScorpion]

Thanks for sharing your story, Acid Yazz.

The shame, the self-important, "spend the day imagining", the drugs, look for love everywhere... All this sounds very familiar to me. You are not alone in this fight. ;)

when writing here, I worry a lot, I am concerned that things do not 'fall right' and that I may appear like a fool to you. I know ... we all have our things (...) I see that fear rules me ... the fear of not being recognized, or accepted, of failing...

You don't look a fool for me, quite the opposite. You seem to understand a lot of your programs, acknowledge your fears, recognize your predator ... I think you've done a great work of self-observation. Congratulations!!!

Shame also dominates me, I feel shame for all this... I feel ashamed to have hurt other in the past because I acted in the wrong way, ashamed of myself ... and this is indeed the "personal importance" or ego, it tells me that I should be better, that I should not make mistakes, I must always please the other. Is narcissism and feel ashamed for being narcissistic. It is the Negative Introject ...

I very much agree with you on this. "To feel ashamed" and "self-important" go always hand in hand. Certainly, it is your negative introject and is very important that you can see it. Look at what you wrote after:

To be honest, i feel 'released' of so much after writing all this...

Glad to see you wrote and your predator did not win this battle.

 

[Drazen]

Thanks for sharing your story, Acid Yazz.

The shame, the self-important, "spend the day imagining", the drugs, look for love everywhere... All this sounds very familiar to me. You are not alone in this fight. ;)

when writing here, I worry a lot, I am concerned that things do not 'fall right' and that I may appear like a fool to you. I know ... we all have our things (...) I see that fear rules me ... the fear of not being recognized, or accepted, of failing...

You don't look a fool for me, quite the opposite. You seem to understand a lot of your programs, acknowledge your fears, recognize your predator ... I think you've done a great work of self-observation. Congratulations!!!

Shame also dominates me, I feel shame for all this... I feel ashamed to have hurt other in the past because I acted in the wrong way, ashamed of myself ... and this is indeed the "personal importance" or ego, it tells me that I should be better, that I should not make mistakes, I must always please the other. Is narcissism and feel ashamed for being narcissistic. It is the Negative Introject ...

I very much agree with you on this. "To feel ashamed" and "self-important" go always hand in hand. Certainly, it is your negative introject and is very important that you can see it. Look at what you wrote after:

To be honest, i feel 'released' of so much after writing all this...

Glad to see you wrote and your predator did not win this battle.

I agree completely.

What you wrote here Acid Yazz is greatly resonating with my own life. Especially the part where you describe your mom's behavior. In my case, my dad plays that part. More than once he said something like "I wish that I could go back and start new life with more money, women and fun. You don't respect me, I deserve more..." He terrorized my mother, brother and me psychically, not physically. I had fear of him (his authority) all my life, but that changed since I found Laura's Work few years ago and recognised who I am really.

With more information from all available material here on forum and recommended books I discovered where my weakness lies and where my strenght is. Also, that "be nice and please everyone (especially my father)" program draw so much of my energy and fear reigned greatly. No more fear, no more lies to myself like you said. Thank you for Your strenght, Acid Yazz. It helps me to follow and take further steps. ;)

 

[Alada]

I see that because this is exactly how I feel. Just as my mother, my own self-assurance became dependent on the others. My confidence became dependent on the others. What I am depends on how others see me and I am constantly fearing for how the other sees me... If he/she sees me as useless or stupid, o is he/she is angry at me.

[…]

Now, after having recognized this, much of the uncertainty is no longer present... although it appears at times and at specific times. For example, when writing here, I worry a lot, I am concerned that things do not 'fall right' and that I may appear like a fool to you. I know ... we all have our things ... So I share it, so you know how I feel and that's why I doubt very much about sharing here. I see a lot of internal consideration which leads me to internal dialogues like "will they think this or that about me?", "am I completely wrong?", "will they be angry?", etc... That internal dialogue is born out of insecurity and, in turn, it makes me feel more insecure and less confident. It is a circle that feeds itself once it starts. I see that fear rules me ... the fear of not being recognized, or accepted, of failing...

[…]

I saw that we must first heal ourselves and seek to know ourselves and others, objectively, to really understand who we are and how we can truly 'serve others'. And now I understand that by working alone, by myself, I will not move forward because much of knowing oneself comes from the interaction with others and the reflection that they can do for us. I also understand that this cannot be done with any other, but it must be done with people who are doing the same process. Collinear people...

I think the last part emboldened above is most important to the process of opening oneself up to others here. So many of us, myself included, have found ourselves in fear of the process for reasons you mentioned above. Sometimes perhaps we are startled and shrink back into our shell when we see others receiving mirrors, or we find that we cannot resist the influence of the negative introject and inner consideration when we try to share. But that’s when we forget to think, forget that sharing of ourselves here with Colinear people has an aim. That the people we are sharing with have the same aim, albeit they may be at different points on the learning curve.

With this in mind, when we share and do find that we are wrong, were mistaken, were not thinking clearly or were just plain silly, that is the time to engage the brain and remember – the feedback we receive here is being given by others who share the same aim, the aim of being free, of knowing to knowing ourselves, gaining awareness and becoming masters of our machines.

When we forget this, a shock to the system produces more of the same confusion, inner considering and doubt. When we remember are able to think, then we can begin receive feedback as it was intended. This is what many people do not understand, those who find the process of Working oneself this way too difficult, unnecessarily ‘harsh’, ‘cruel’ or however they choose to label it. They forget the spirit in which such feedback is given here, but to perceive that perhaps one needs to have an aim?

When there is a shared aim, and we remember to stop and think when the introject kicks in, then the process can take on a whole new light. One begins to wriggle free a little more, and, step by step, lose the fears. It can become a liberating process of self discovery then, each new or unexpected piece of feedback received as another piece of the puzzle to Work on and put into place. Gradually we make up the picture of ourselves and gain awareness, and so it goes.

I think your post was most insightful, thanks for sharing. :)

 

[1peacelover]

As always, I have to say that I have doubts about whether or not I should post something more about me. I now understand that this issues come from my own internal consideration and lack of confidence. I have ideas like "Is it relevant?", "Who cares!" ... I realize that due to these thoughts and others of which I might say some more, I have never shared much about myself with anyone... my feelings, my thoughts on this inner world. And, I want to be honest with you now. I want to open myself because, I now understand why this is an important part of the process if you want to do The Work.

Thank you for your courage and also sharing a piece of your life with us. Many of us have a wounded inner child and exploring the things that make us who we are even when they are painful assists in the healing process. You are not alone.

 

[Yas]

I see that because this is exactly how I feel. Just as my mother, my own self-assurance became dependent on the others. My confidence became dependent on the others. What I am depends on how others see me and I am constantly fearing for how the other sees me... If he/she sees me as useless or stupid, o is he/she is angry at me.

[…]

Now, after having recognized this, much of the uncertainty is no longer present... although it appears at times and at specific times. For example, when writing here, I worry a lot, I am concerned that things do not 'fall right' and that I may appear like a fool to you. I know ... we all have our things ... So I share it, so you know how I feel and that's why I doubt very much about sharing here. I see a lot of internal consideration which leads me to internal dialogues like "will they think this or that about me?", "am I completely wrong?", "will they be angry?", etc... That internal dialogue is born out of insecurity and, in turn, it makes me feel more insecure and less confident. It is a circle that feeds itself once it starts. I see that fear rules me ... the fear of not being recognized, or accepted, of failing...

[…]

I saw that we must first heal ourselves and seek to know ourselves and others, objectively, to really understand who we are and how we can truly 'serve others'. And now I understand that by working alone, by myself, I will not move forward because much of knowing oneself comes from the interaction with others and the reflection that they can do for us. I also understand that this cannot be done with any other, but it must be done with people who are doing the same process. Collinear people...

I think the last part emboldened above is most important to the process of opening oneself up to others here. So many of us, myself included, have found ourselves in fear of the process for reasons you mentioned above. Sometimes perhaps we are startled and shrink back into our shell when we see others receiving mirrors, or we find that we cannot resist the influence of the negative introject and inner consideration when we try to share. But that’s when we forget to think, forget that sharing of ourselves here with Colinear people has an aim. That the people we are sharing with have the same aim, albeit they may be at different points on the learning curve.

With this in mind, when we share and do find that we are wrong, were mistaken, were not thinking clearly or were just plain silly, that is the time to engage the brain and remember – the feedback we receive here is being given by others who share the same aim, the aim of being free, of knowing to knowing ourselves, gaining awareness and becoming masters of our machines.

When we forget this, a shock to the system produces more of the same confusion, inner considering and doubt. When we remember are able to think, then we can begin receive feedback as it was intended. This is what many people do not understand, those who find the process of Working oneself this way too difficult, unnecessarily ‘harsh’, ‘cruel’ or however they choose to label it. They forget the spirit in which such feedback is given here, but to perceive that perhaps one needs to have an aim?

When there is a shared aim, and we remember to stop and think when the introject kicks in, then the process can take on a whole new light. One begins to wriggle free a little more, and, step by step, lose the fears. It can become a liberating process of self discovery then, each new or unexpected piece of feedback received as another piece of the puzzle to Work on and put into place. Gradually we make up the picture of ourselves and gain awareness, and so it goes.

Yes! Having the aim is very important for what I have experienced....
I think that, if you share this deep inner thoughts and feelings with just anyone, you might get answers that might confuse you even more or might not be the answers appropriated to what you are really looking for... To your aim

To explain this I can give the example of the diet: If you are on a diet because you have the aim of having a perfectly working machine (body), because you want to 'clean' your machine, so to say... In order to be more receptive, more objective (as you will not be full of hormones and peptides obscuring your thinking), because you are doing a work of self development (and self knowledge, which includes the knowledge of this machine and how to make it work efficiently)... Because you want to master your machine and be fully yourself: You have an aim that is not the aim of being slim or good looking.... So, when somebody asks you about that diet, you can say a lot of things about how healthy it is and why, and yet, there are some people who will answer things like "I prefer to be a little bit sick like everyone else and enjoy the pleasures of life, rather than to abstain myself from eating what I like to eat"... It IS a matter of aims... You might have the aim of being free, but the other person might not... So there's nothing more to that. And we know we must learn to understand this and respect the free will of those who aren't interested in the way we have chosen.

It is just an analogy to how it might be with sharing thoughts and feelings... and I guess it is a very important step to realize this so that you keep your aim in mind and that will lead you to engage more with collinear people and Work on yourself. And as you said, keeping that aim in mind will give the framework for one to keep on observing the predator's mind and understanding the feedback given here.

I might be wrong here and correct me if I am, but I guess this has something to do with developing the 'magnetic center' that will make one more continuously receptive to 'B influences.' (Mouravieff)

And I also remember when Gurdjieff said that one should abstain one self from speaking to everyone about The Work... some people will simply not understand it. I guess some people find it really hard to understand why we will put effort into this if they are not willing to be free masters of their machines... if they don't have that aim we will seem completely fools for them and you will have all this people playing the psychologist telling you that you should not 'worry' so much, that you should just 'enjoy the life and be happy', etc.

And also, to have the aim of being free, one must first realize that one is not... So once again: self-knowledge and knowledge of reality that gradually makes us more aware and therefore transforms us...

So yes! Having an aim is crucial to The Work, OSIT.

...

Thank you all for your words, I feel much more motivated to share with you what I think and feel now. I'm also glad that what I wrote could help some of you in some way.

I see that if I'm wrong or silly it will not be the end of the world ( ) and here I have a great opportunity to see my mistakes and wrong ideas/believes/perceptions, thanks to feedback, instead of staying with what is wrong which would distort how I see things and that would get me farther and farther from seeing myself and the world as it IS.

I would like to share some excerpts of the Sott Focus: The Necessity of Disillusionment (http://www.sott.net/article/244527-The-Necessity-of-Disillusionment)

"So, if believing in an illusion makes us feel safe, happy and comfortable, and any contradictory evidence causes us pain, disorientation and sadness, what possible motivation is there to consciously choose to go through the process of disillusionment?

The love and desire for Truth.

[...]

Believing in illusions is akin to a form of slavery that keeps us disconnected from the real world, and from each other.

[...]

Once we gain the knowledge of how our minds work, we can consciously strive to see any situation for what it is, gather facts, apply this insight to all we have learned and experienced, assess reality based on probabilities, and most importantly, share what we have learned with others. It is by sharing with each other our own unique and particular point of view, and really listening to others when they share theirs, that we can broaden our horizons and come closer to understanding the objective reality of any event or situation.

Remember the Indian parable of the blind men and the elephant?

"Six blind men were asked to determine what an elephant looked like by feeling different parts of the elephant's body. The blind man who feels a leg says the elephant is like a tree trunk; the one who feels the tail says the elephant is like a rope; the one who feels the trunk says the elephant is like a snake; the one who feels the ear says the elephant is like a hand fan; the one who feels the belly says the elephant is like a wall; and the one who feels the tusk says the elephant is like a spear."

Each of the men is experiencing their own subjective reality of the elephant, but by sharing information with each other, together they can come closer to seeing the objective reality of the elephant. You may not be able to see the whole thing yourself, on your own, but you can create a much better mind-map with good feedback from others that you take into account.

[...]

The process of choosing disillusionment as a remedy to subjectivity and a desire for truth is a form of conscious suffering. We enter this process willingly, knowing that the final result will be worth the temporary pain and sadness, because we know that the truth, only the truth, shall set us free from these controls placed upon us from birth, without our free choice.

Best wishes!

 

[Yas]

Hey all!

I've just found this and thought it would be perfect for this post:

Aim (From Cassiopedia: http://www.cassiopedia.org/glossary/Aim)

In order to make progress in the Work, one must have an aim. Without aim there is no consistent struggle and one is more or less adrift in the sea of A influences which simply make one run in circles.

The difficulty with the concept of aim is that one cannot know the precise path which one has not traveled. People may see flashes of something but they do not have a realistic assessment of the distance to travel. Thus, setting a too specific initial aim is silly and unrealistic. The aim will change as the goal and territory become better understood.

People have different motives for undertaking the Work. Some may wish knowledge, others to help the world, some to be master over themselves. In Gurdjieff's words, only mastery over the self is a reasonable goal, since any other goals may only be reached through this first one. One may begin with the goal of 'reaching enlightenment' and soon find that this must be scaled down to something much more immediate and attainable, such as remembering oneself at least once per day. One can have specific goals only for that which is at least in theory within reach.

Making specific checklists on what is or is not an acceptable learning experience or lesson of life is presumptuous and fruitless and actually goes counter to the goal of learning. Choosing a general direction is however necessary. This general direction can be described in terms of the service to other/service to self duality, of objectivity vs. forcing one's subjectivity on the world, of wakefulness vs. sleep and so forth. Such basic values can provide a framework for placing the intrinsically unpredictable and unanticipatable events of a spiritual path in context.

From Gurdjieff's Views from the Real World, Pages 90-93:

Make one thing your God Question: How can we gain attention?

Answer: There is no attention in people. You must aim to acquire this. Self-observation is only possible after acquiring at-tention. Start on small things.

Question: What small things can we start on? What should we do?

Answer: Your nervous and restless movements make every-one know, consciously or unconsciously, that you have no authority and are a booby. With these restless movements you cannot be anything. The first thing for you to do is to stop these movements. Make this your aim, your God. Even get your family to help you. Only after this, you can perhaps gain attention. This is an example of doing.

Another example, an aspiring pianist can never learn except little by little. If you wish to play melodies without first practicing, you can never play real melodies. The melodies you will play will be cacophonous and will make people suffer and hate you. It is the same with psychological ideas: to gain any-thing, long practice is necessary.

Try to accomplish very small things first. If at first you aim at big things you will never be anything. And your manifestations will act like cacophonous melodies and cause people to hate you. Question What must I do? Answer: There are two kinds of doing - automatic doing, and doing according to aim. Take a small thing which you now are not able to do, and make this your aim, your God. Let nothing interfere. Only aim at this. Then, if you succeed in doing this, will be able to give you a greater task. Now you have an up to do things too big for you. This is an abnormal appetite. You can never do these things, and this appetite keeps you from doing the small things you might do. Destroy this appetites forget big things. Make the breaking of a small habit your aim. Question: I think my worst fault is talking too much. Would trying not to talk so much be a good task? Answer: For you this is a very good aim. You spoil everything with your talking. This talk even hinders your business. When you talk much, your words have no weight. Try to overcome this. Many blessings will flow to you if you succeed. Truly, this is a very good task. But it is a big thing, not small. I promise you, if you achieve this, even if I am not here, I will know about your achievement, and will send help so that you will know what to do next. Question: Would a good task be to endure the manifestations of others? Answer: To endure the manifestations of others is a big thing. The last thing for a man. Only a perfect man can do this. Start by making your aim or your God the ability to bear one manifestation of one person that you cannot now endure without nervousness. If you wish, you can. Without wishing, you never can. Wish is the most powerful thing in the world. With conscious wish everything comes. Question: I frequently remember my aim but I have not the energy to do what I feel I should do. Answer: Man has no energy to fulfill voluntary aims because all his strength, acquired at night during his passive state, is used up in negative manifestations. These are his automatic manifestations, the opposite of his positive, willed manifestations. For those of you who are already able to remember your aim automatically, but have no strength to do it: Sit for a period of at least one hour alone. Make all your muscles relaxed. Allow your associations to proceed but do not be absorbed by them. [e.g.: Eiriu Eolas] Say to them: If you will let me do as I wish now, I shall later grant you your wishes. Look on your associations as though they belonged to someone else, to keep yourself from identifying with them.

At the end of an hour take a piece of paper and write your aim on it. Make this paper your God. Everything else is nothing. Take it out of your pocket and read it constantly, every day. In this way it becomes part of you, at first theoretically, later actually. To gain energy, practice this exercise of sitting still and making your muscles dead. Only when everything in you is quiet after an hour, make your decision about your aim. Don't let associations absorb you. To undertake a voluntary aim, and to achieve it, gives magnetism and the ability to 'do.' Question: What is magnetism? Answer: Man has two substances in him, the substance of active elements of the physical body, and the substance made up of the active elements of astral matter. These two form a third substance by mixing. This mixed substance gathers in certain parts of a man and also forms an atmosphere around him, like the atmosphere surrounding a planet. Planetary atmospheres are continually gaining or losing substances because of other planets. Man is surrounded by other men, just as planets are surrounded by other planets. Within certain limits, when two atmospheres meet, and if the atmospheres are 'sympathetic', a connection is made between them and lawful results occur. Something flows. The amount of atmosphere remains the same, but the quality changes. Man can control his atmosphere. It is like electricity, having positive and negative parts. One part can be increased and made to flow like a current. Everything has positive and negative electricity. In man, wishes and non-wishes may be positive and negative. Astral material always opposes physical material.

In ancient times priests were able to cure disease by blessing. Some priests had to lay their hands on the sick person. Some could cure at a short distance, some at a great distance. A priest was a man who had mixed substances and could cure others. A priest was a magnetizer. Sick persons have not enough mixed substances, not enough magnetism, not enough 'life'. This 'mixed substance' can be seen if it is concentrated. An aura or halo was a real thing and can sometimes be seen at holy places or in churches. Mesmer rediscovered the use of this substance.

To be able to use this substance, you must first acquire it. It is the same with attention. It is gained only through conscious labor and intentional suffering, through doing small things voluntarily. Make some small aim your God, and you will be going toward acquiring magnetism. Like electricity, magnetism can be concentrated and made to flow. In a real group, a real answer could be given to this question.

Very insightful...

I have somehow applied this in my life as well thanks to having studied a little bit of NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) in which they usually say things like 'If your aim is too big, try to divide it in several smaller aims until to have one that is 'doable'

NLP is quite interesting, because it has a lot of self-observation techniques and it actually impulses you to observe your mechanical behavior, you thoughts and all... so that you have a better understanding of what is going on inside yourself.

This might be a distraction from my original 'emotional' post ( )... (I tend to rationalize a lot... I guess...)



[EDIT: Added bolds to the quote and added some more thoughts in the end]

 

[Yas]

Last night I observed some things and since I'm trying to share as much as possible with you in order to break my habit of 'thinking only by myself' so that I can learn to network, I will share it now with you :D

Yesterday I have been working all day, and then came the time scheduled for EE. At this moment I was not eager to do it, I felt a resistance on my part. I, nevertheless, went to my little room and prepared everything for it... While I was preparing (with a remarkable delay :P) I realized a lot of 'predator thinking' coming to my thoughts: "I am useless", "I do everything wrong"... I started breathing and it continued: "I don't breath in the right way", "I will never learn how to breath well", "I am a lost case", "I will never be able to advance in The Work, because silly people like me can't go through it", etc...

Now I lough because I can see how silly this thoughts are.. THEY are the ones that make me silly because instead of using my mind and energy to think about more 'productive' things, I waste myself in this thoughts of self-importance and internal considering.

So, while breathing (it was quite difficult to do it with all this things in mind... I kept loosing the count all the time), I suddenly realized that all this thoughts came from the same root... The things I exposed above (pretty obvious I know, but I guess sometimes we 'get lost in our thoughts' and don't see clearly). I noticed it was the issue with recognition, that my self-confidence dependeds on others, and how others see me. I realized that some days I feel great and full of confidence, and it is usually because someone 'recognized' me in some way... And other days I feel that I am worthless and it is because I didn't have my dosis of 'external recognition'... Saying here that it is actually a feeding mechanism, ... I (or my predator inside) needs to feed on others constantly by making them 'love' me so that I can feel that I am valuable. :/

Having realized this, I could breath more easily and finish the whole EE program, and then I fell asleep...

Today I woke up with all this things in mind, as if I had been working on them while sleeping. :)

I remembered that some months ago I had realized something of which I am kind of ashamed (again)... And it is that this long implanted mechanism of making people 'love' me has brought me to develop vanity. And yes, what is vanity than the constant worry of how others see us? So it is not strange that I have come to develop it.

At the moment I realized this, I became somehow desperate because it is indeed a tricky 'program'... Why is this so? Because vanity can make you do a lot of effort for self-improvement, but the intention of it is actually to be recognized, so it is worthless (¿?) as you are doing it for self benefit, to feed instead of really doing because you want to stop the lying and become free... So I kept thinking on how to 'fight' this little 'devil' at that time... And now that it came to my mind again, I think it is only by observing it, first, that one can 'fight' it. Observe its mechanisms and how they affect you. During those days I felt that to what a lot of you reffer, I guess... I felt that I'm a complete LIE!

Vanity is tricky because, as it happens a lot, once you get in touch with The Work, you can start putting the things that feed your vanity as the good things in yourself and think of them as your true self, while actually they are just MORE lies... Vanity can 'program' you to do a lot of nice stuff, and yet, they will be just programs and not true willful acts done with conscience and deliberation.

As it has been said here:

Self-importance can't be fought with niceties.....Self-importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it--what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellow men. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone.....Self-importance is not something simple and naive. On the one hand, it is the core of everything that is good in us, and on the other hand, the core of everything that is rotten. To get rid of the self-importance that is rotten requires a masterpiece of strategy.--Don Juan

And here:

Yet standing there with open wounds, wheezing as we eyeing each other, my Dark Side is he, my angelic side is ME, who is writing this diary. I want to get detached from this Filth, that calls itself the king, the lord, the commander, the torturer, others call it Lizard, the Predators Mind.

Hi Forge,
I too am struggling with the predator's mind at present. Personally I have succeeded in deceiving myself quite a few times by categorizing what I like in myself as the "good guy" and what I do not like in me as the "bad guy". Some Gurdjieff comments from ISOTM seems very relevant in this context of self-deception which may happen. This may or may not apply to you but still maybe worth going through
[quote author=ISOTM]
A man must realize that he indeed consists of two men.
"One is the man he calls 'I' and whom others call 'Ouspensky,' 'Zakharov' or 'Petrov.' The other is the real he, the real I, which appears in his life only for very short moments and which can become firm and permanent only after a very lengthy period of work.
"So long as a man takes himself as one person he will never move from where he is. His work on himself starts from the moment when he begins to feel two men in himself. One is passive and the most it can do is to register or observe what is happening to it. The other, which calls itself 'I,' is active, and speaks of itself in the first person, is in reality only 'Ouspensky,' 'Petrov' or 'Zakharov.' "This is the first realization that a man can have. Having begun to think correctly he very soon sees that he is completely in the power of his 'Ouspensky,' 'Petrov,' or 'Zakharov.' No matter what he plans or what he intends to do or say, it is not 'he,' not 'I,' that will carry it out, do or say it, but his 'Ouspensky' 'Petrov,' or 'Zakharov,' and of course they will do or say it, not in the way 'I' would have done or said it, but in their own way with their own shade of meaning, and often this shade of meaning completely changes what 'I' wanted to do.
"From this point of view there is a very definite danger arising from the very first moment of self-observation. It is 'I' who begins self-observation, but it is immediately taken up and continued by 'Ouspensky,' 'Zakharov,' or 'Petrov.' But 'Ouspensky' 'Zakharov,' or 'Petrov' from the very first steps introduces a slight alteration into this self-observation, an alteration which seems to be quite unimportant but which in reality fundamentally alters the whole thing.
"Let us suppose, for example, that a man called Ivanov hears the description of this method of self-observation. He is told that a man must divide himself, 'he' or 'I' on one side and 'Ouspensky,' 'Tetrov,' or 'Zakharov' on the other side. And he divides himself literally as he hears it. 'This is I,' he says, 'and that is "Ouspensky," "Petrov," or "Zakharov."' He will never say 'Ivanov.' He finds that unpleasant, so he will inevitably use somebody else's surname or Christian name. Moreover he calls 'I' what he likes in himself or at any rate what he considers to be strong, while he calls 'Ouspensky,' 'Petrov,' or 'Zakharov' what he does not like or what he considers to be weak. On this basis he begins to reason in many ways about himself, quite wrongly of course from the very beginning, since he has already deceived himself in the most important point and has taken not his real self, that is, he has taken, not Ivanov, but the imaginary 'Ouspensky,' 'Petrov' or 'Zakharov.'
.................................
"But when a man understands his helplessness in the face of 'Ouspensky' his attitude towards himself and towards 'Ouspensky' in him ceases to be either indifferent or unconcerned.
"Self-observation becomes observation of 'Ouspensky' A man understands that he is not 'Ouspensky,' that 'Ouspensky' is nothing but the mask he wears, the part that he unconsciously plays and which unfortunately he cannot stop playing, a part which rules him and makes him do and say thousands of stupid things, thousands of things which he would never do or say himself.
"If he is sincere with himself he feels that he is in the power of 'Ouspensky' and at the same time he feels that he is not 'Ouspensky.'
"He begins to be afraid of 'Ouspensky,' begins to feel that he is his 'enemy.' No matter what he would like to do, everything is intercepted and altered by 'Ouspensky.'
.....
"On this level of self-observation a man must understand that his whole aim is to free himself from 'Ouspensky.' And since he cannot in fact free himself from 'Ouspensky,' because he is himself, he must therefore master 'Ouspensky' and make him do, not what the 'Ouspensky' of the given moment wants, but what he himself wants to do. From being the master, 'Ouspensky' must become the servant.

So it is with a lot of awareness and attention and external help can we go about sorting out what could constitute of the higher I and what is the predator's mind. Based on where I have slipped up in the past, I can say that I had consigned certain character traits like trying to be helpful to others as "good" labeling it as external consideration. In reality it was not - a bitter tearful realization showed me how I had been guilty of trying to determine the needs of others and had made things worse for everyone involved. There can be numerous such examples - much more complex and nuanced than what I wrote above. So nowadays, I try to look very deeply at the intent behind a specific action of mine stripping away the surface layers of reasoning and justifications and that is how I meet the predator's mind or the devil as you call it. What has been most shocking for me to realize is in practical terms how a lot of apparently altruistic motivations and positive character traits can be so easily hijacked to serve the needs of the dark side.

[/quote]


It really can get into everything that you are and distort it... That's what I realized back then, and that's why I felt desperate... I thought that I could never fight this (self-pitty).

Now I don't feel desperate... I think that changes are going on because I can observe all this and, it won't be gone overnight because it is a process that must be done and it has been years since the programs have been installed, so it might take some time to deprogram, but, for one time now, I have faith in my self and in the process, in you and in The Work...

Just that...

 

[Eongar]

Thanks for sharing, Yazz.

I think you've taken an important step for you to share your things. Also I feel identified with several things you said. Thanks again.

 

[Yas]

Hello all!

I want to give a little update and tell you about a recent experience.

I decided to post everything here as a sort of follow up, and in one single post for the sake of those who receive notifications. ;D

So... here it goes.

Regarding diet, I've been reading and studying. Reading the threads and books, etc. And I also applied it. I don't know if I'm in full ketosis, but I almost don't eat carbs. I eat some veggies (lettuce as salad sometimes; some other times, spinach, chaucha or calabacín sauteed in lard), but not every day. I stopped eating eggs because I was feeling that they inflamed me, so basically it is just meat (pork, cow), fat and some veggies sometimes. I have noticed that when I eat like this I feel great, if I eat a little something that I'm allergic to, I have pain in the body, especially the shoulders and arms and my sinus get inflammed. Just yesterday I've tested butter after some months of not eating it, and today I feel inflammed (pain in the shoulders and arms, watery eyes and nose constriction), so no butter for now... I might try ghee later on, to see how it goes.

I am also exercising every 3-4 days. I do isometric exercises mostly, but, since I use my bike as a transport mean, I also bike quite a bit. Last week I had to cover (take photos of) the closure of the political campaigns going on here and I cycled along the whole city to go to the different events (may I say circus? :P) I did almost 4 hours of cycling and I have to say that I felt pretty tired after it. But I didn't have any pain the following day, only a very mild cramp.

I've also made some medical tests two weeks ago, and I posted some of the results here: http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,31029.msg409063.html#msg409063

Everything seems to be fine, except that the ferritin is a little high, nothing to worry about though. I will just donate some blood and follow some of the 'preventive' tips posted in the hemocromatosis thread.

Regarding family, at the moment, I'm living alone at my mother's house. She is with her family in Brazil and she might stay there for a while. I like the experience of being alone, but I try not to close my self too much because I think that it is easier to stay alone and observe one self, but it is good to also go outside and exchange with others and be able to be centered and aware while doing it.

My young brother (Lancelot) is doing better, following his own therapy and they are working fine in my dad's house to balance the diet and continue to help him (and themselves). I detached myself a lot from all this. Which I think is good because I realized that I was really attached emotionally speaking, and that I couldn't go on with my own stuff because I was so much into trying to solve all their problems. I have to solve a lot of stuff in myself first. :) I still help, from a more distant place. And from what I can see, this has been a good 'movement' so to say.

Regarding EE, I posted that I was feeling some discomforts while doing it, and also that I was feeling overwhelmed by emotions. I stopped doing the Beatha portion for a month and I feel much better now. I can do the 3 stage breathing exercises sitting down again (I was doing them laying down because I was having difficulties) and now I decided to start doing the Beatha portion again once a week, to see how it goes.

The experience I wanted to tell you about is the following...

I decided to go to an osteopath/naturopath/homeopath who is an old friend of the family, she is also a therapist who does body work, cellular memory and releasement of attached 'entities', 'energies' (but only to people she knows well), but I'll get to that later.

She found out that my hips and spine are completely out of place/balance and that I really need to have that corrected because, she said, it might be the cause of a lot of my discomforts. She said that her husband is also very allergic, like me, and she told me that it is very good that I'm not eating the foods that I am sensitive to, but she recommended that I do a treatment with homeopathy to help my body by reducing the inflammation. I wanted to ask what do you think about that...

Now... what happened after is that she was moving my hips, spine and shoulders, and suddenly she told me that I had something weird in my left shoulder. She started moving, asking me to move, etc., and she told me that it was probably an 'entity' or 'energy' blocked there and that we had to release that first of all... She asked me if I had pain in my left side sometimes, and...

Here I have to say it was interesting because a few days before I went to see her, I did EE and this time particularly I was focused on something that I felt as blockage in my self that I couldn't understand. As if there was something blocking me for a long time and that, for some reason, it was very difficult to me to get to it, to release it, that is what I felt. During the meditation part, this day, I started feeling a lot of pain in my left arm. It was really painfull. I continued breathing and doing the POTS, and after a few minutes the pain was relieved, but not gone, and I felt 'drained of energy'. I though this was strange and that it was probably due to something like an emotional block attached to this arm, and... well... that I have to work on it somehow. A mild pain continued over some days.

So, getting back to my visit to this lady, I was surprised that she told me that because I didn't tell her about it at all... She asked me a few questions while still making me move my shoulders and she told me that for what she could see, this was something that I carry for a long time, yes... and that it makes me feel anxious, sad and maybe 'drained'... Once again, she was right that sometimes I feel like that, and that I don't know where it comes from, only that I feel it is something that is 'blocked' and for some reason it is being hard for me to 'unblock' it.

She then told me to ask to whatever I wanted (be it god, the angels, etc.,) to help me release that. My mind came to the Cosmic Mind, lol since I never had a strong link to the concept of 'God' or 'angels'; I always felt more close to the idea of something like a Cosmic Consciousness which is everything that exists, so to say. You know... I though of my higher self and my will. And after some minutes, while she told me to really relax and think of this with a candle on she held my hands over the candle and it burned me, even though it was really small and our hands weren't too close to it. She then told me that it was OK for that day, and that she didn't want to go too fast because it might be overwhelming for me.

Now... I really don't like 'rituals' a lot. I understand that maybe there are procedures that help in releasing this energies and stuff, but I like to understand them... So I was quite dazed after this procedure, with my hand hurting and, I have to add, I felt super tired and 'sad' after it. I got home and slept the whole rest of the day, really deep. The following days from this (it's been a week) I felt released of 'something'... I guess it might be just self-suggestion, but I really feel 'released' somehow, as if I'm not scared of truly being myself now. A concrete example is that I used to feel REALLY shy while speaking in public or in meetings, I felt physical anxiety in different degrees... And now, I don't feel it at all... It really surprises me...

Because I want to understand this, I've been reading some of the posts and the Podcast about SRT. And, for what I understand, even though I wasn't under hypnosis, she did something like calling the 'helpers' when she asked me to ask to God, angels or whatever I wanted to help me release that. And that the candle and all that was a way of 'distracting' my 'conscious filters', so to say, as a mild hypnosis maybe... ???

I trust this lady because we know her and all her family for a long time, they were friends of my dad even before I was born. And she told me that we could go through some body work and cellular memory therapy to help in realeasing all the 'karmic' blockages to help in my path of self work (when she told me this word – karmic – she told me that is not precisely past life things, but maybe things from my childhood that are not necessarily 'bad' or 'good' but for some reason they are blocking my Self and, therefore, my development). All this while attending the physical aspects as well, like my unbalanced hips and spine, and the overall inflammation. She also says that breathing, meditating and self awareness are important in this process, so... I think she has some interesting perspectives.

I wanted to have a little feedback on this... what do you think from what you can read here? Should I continue this?

I want to clarify that, even if I continue, I see it only as a 'side-help' of what I'm already doing, that is, EE, Diet and reading a the recommended books, the discussions here on the forum and Networking... As I read here, and I agree, the later is the most important part, and this other procedures are just a little help in the overall cleansing of the Self. Maybe it is good when blockages are too strong... ?

I hope this wasn't too long and I thank you a lot for reading it.

Best regards to all

 

[LQB]

She found out that my hips and spine are completely out of place/balance and that I really need to have that corrected because, she said, it might be the cause of a lot of my discomforts. She said that her husband is also very allergic, like me, and she told me that it is very good that I'm not eating the foods that I am sensitive to, but she recommended that I do a treatment with homeopathy to help my body by reducing the inflammation. I wanted to ask what do you think about that...

I don't see a problem with trying a homeopathic treatment, but you might want to do a CRP-HS (C reactive protein-high sensitivity) blood test since it can be a good indicator of systemic inflammation.

 

[Yas]

I don't see a problem with trying a homeopathic treatment, but you might want to do a CRP-HS (C reactive protein-high sensitivity) blood test since it can be a good indicator of systemic inflammation.

I did a normal CPR test and it just said "below 6"

Should I do the high sensitivity test too?

 

[LQB]

I don't see a problem with trying a homeopathic treatment, but you might want to do a CRP-HS (C reactive protein-high sensitivity) blood test since it can be a good indicator of systemic inflammation.

I did a normal CPR test and it just said "below 6"

Should I do the high sensitivity test too?

I think it is a more accurate measure of systemic inflammation than the standard CRP, and if you are concerned about possible inflammation, it might help set you at ease about it.