My story, the work, lessons, thoughts.

Piotr

The Force is Strong With This One
I am sharing my story with you because I think I should do it a long time ago and give back “myself” in thanks for what I received from you.

I’d like to show you who I am and how I got where I am today, what is my experience with working on myself, my understanding of the work, my observations of some of the events in my life and some thoughts. And I think it will be a great exercise of recapitulation to go through.
(Note after finishing it: I can say now I need it to go through my life and some events, starting even from an early age. It helps to open the luggage you drag behind you).

Let me go back as far as to my childhood because I think it is relevant to have that picture in mind when comparing to what came after and to have a better perspective. I come from a small town in Poland. Not much is happening there. As for the early age one major factor that might be relevant to know is that my parents divorced when I was 3 years old but I have almost no memory of it beside a moments when my biological father was later on picking me and my one year younger brother from my mom’s house. This event had more impact rather later on of not having a active male force because my step father was rather withdrawn and I think he was restraining himself to react or act when it was needed.

I couldn’t wait to start the primary school. I liked learning. Not that I didn’t struggle whit it but it was so much fun when I was succeeding and my mom encouragement and help played a role. She thought me to be ambitious and strive to be good in everything what I was doing back then and don’t give up so fast, especially in kindergarten and primary school. It’s hard for me to remember now how much of my motivation was my inner drive and how much came from a desire to make my mom proud. I’m mentioning this because I was struggling years later with finding a reason to go forward and few times I was pondering through my past to look for a reason of my failure (or one of them). I will come back to this. Overall in primary school I was doing great. I couldn’t wait to start history classes in 4 grade wishfully thinking it will be all about dinosaurs :) When new subjects appeared I was doing better and better with everything: math, science, humanities, painting, sports. Learning was so much fun and it was coming easy for me. I didn’t have to memorize much. I remember well that all I did was focusing on lessons and it seems like I just understood what was said and after I could easily produce what was expected from me. I had great imagination so writing wasn’t a problem though I often was picking an “open” topics on humanities lessons because it was easy to come up with for example “alternative” ending for the book or continue the story of the book etc. (and because I didn’t read all the books).

I think I was lucky to be in that school and not other. Teachers where great and nice most of the time :). School was small so you had this feeling of community rather than a rat race. In retrospection I think I somehow “coast through” that period in a way because it seems a bit like I was always relying on my ability to focus, understand, “digest” and reproduce and not memorizing. I didn’t have much of a trouble of memorizing though but for me it looked like you were getting grades for how good your memory was and how much you were able to recite what you have learned the other day. I was doing it because I had to but didn’t like it. Though the more there was memorizing the more trouble I had to get better grades. Maybe I was too lazy to commit that much. I didn’t get the best diploma in last two grades of school, 7 and 8 grades so it’s the age of 13-14.. In terms of a socialization I was getting on well with a lot of my friends. I remember jumping from one to the other and getting interested in what they were doing, who they were, spending time with them, “infecting” with whatever they were interested in and just having fun. There were just few people I didn’t spend much time but I think it just came out like that, not that I didn’t like them. More arguments I had with the closest friends :).

So basically few times I was the best student in the school, winning prices, being the class president almost every time, being picked for many tasks as a representative and I liked it, my ego liked it I guess. Overall when I think of all of that it seems that big part in my motivation took the striving to make my mom happy and proud, getting pleasure out of making my teachers happy and to show off before them how good I am. So in retrospection even if it is hard to admit my motivations were egotistic. For the balance though I liked being liked but I think it was because I liked people around me. I liked there company, being creative in filling our time with games, sports etc. Recalling my feelings from that time I could describe it as “loving” being around my friends and sharing time with them. I wouldn’t say I was doing everything because I wanted to be “the popular” person. Partly yes, but not in every aspect. I also had those periods that sometimes I was everywhere outside with friends and then had those lonely times when I preferred to be on my own and I liked it. I could spend weeks in my stepfather’s mom house in the countryside just fishing all day. Or simply not going out and staying home and getting busy reading, painting or hanging out in the garden with parents.

I think I had the potential, maybe little overgrown picture of myself but I would say from my perspective I was a good boy, I wanted good for others and my mom thought me to be good fellow human being, as a good Christian should be. So weird mix of egoism whit selflessness. Emotionally I think I was developing well and mostly thanks to this school environment, teachers and my mom. When I was finishing school she had this great vision of me being a doctor. I could not imagine what I wanted to do or be. It seemed for me that I just didn’t know and was surprised such a thing was expected from children at my age. I was “blank” when thinking about it. I was doing good in everything so I guess going forward to a school where top students were going was the logical step, so I went as my mom suggested.


Let me now tell you about one of the most important event that happened at that time. In the last year of primary school, specifically the new years eve 1997/1998 I went to celebrate it to my and my brother’s a friend, Andrew. It was his class mate though I was hanging out with him more than my brother. His parents went somewhere so we had home for ourselves. Of course it wasn’t new year without the fireworks and firecrackers. Our friend had even a really big once, those that just explode and do a lot of noise. So much that you had to cover your ears and open mouth as his parents once advised when they fired them. We went outside when midnight was coming and were firing what we had. At one point our friend fired one of the big ones and toss it under our feet. He yelled to warn us, so we covered our years and moved back as much as we had time to do it. For me the bang was REALY loud and I knew something happened because I had this beeping sound in my right year and I felt the blow to much - in my ears and hands. I was shocked so I didn’t realize at that time what happened exactly. We went to his house to check. I had burned fingers a bit, was shaking and had this constant noise/beep in my year. The fun was over so we went back home not pondering much what happened exactly. I can’t remember when I actually realized what happened then. Maybe the day after, maybe few days. As it turned out at the SAME time when Andrew fired the big one I was holding a really small one preparing to throw it as well. When he yelled I covered my years and was already holding a burning firecracker... It was small but because it was so close to my ear it did some damage. My ear drum was damaged. Because of a fear from having the big firecracker almost right under our feet I forgot what I was holding and what I was doing. All I wanted to do is to protect myself from the bang. As laryngologist said it wasn’t that bad in his initial opinion and was having hope that the ear drum might grow back and recover. Just give it a time, he said. The noise was not going away at all and it didn’t, ever... I went back to school but it was hard with that lack of hearing in the right ear and the noise. After some months my mom decided to consult some other doctors and I had a surgery planned as it seemed to have to be done. The date was set a two or three weeks after I will start high school. It wasn’t that bad from my perspective. I was getting use to that noise. At least from physical point of view. I started high school with none of my friends I hang out with previously the most. I think I’ve gone to school 3 or 4 weeks and then went to hospital for about 2 weeks and at least two more I’ve spend at home as the recuperation period required.

When I came back to school I was behind whit the material and felt left a side by those friends I knew from primary school. The reality started to hitting me hard. I remember very well sitting in the kitchen trying to memories biology as best I could. I remember my surprise when I got the worst possible grade. I couldn’t believe. Even though I didn’t memorize everything word by word I could reproduce what I knew and understood and the rest came from my memory. It wasn’t enough. I was learning more after that but for me it was a horror show. So from best student I became an average, trying to hold on. I couldn’t get along with the class mates. During my absence it seemed like they get along already so it felt like I missed that window of opportunity. The climate of the school and the teachers were different then what I experienced. Less open, less friendly, more rigorous and willing to “ride over you” if they felt like when you were failing. First two years went by on the average in every aspect of school life, learning, social, sport. I moved a side so I was underperforming even in those areas where I could do better. My imprinted and I think partly inner drive and awareness I can do better and the contrast of how I was performing now and back then where another factor that just was plunging me even more into a kind of depressed state. I was not happy about myself. With every failure I was going down even more and my lack of hearing wasn’t helping at all. I knew I could do better but I wasn’t, so I felt worse and worse. I didn’t blame teachers, though I was let down by those friends that came whit me to that school. Actually they were big surprise and let down. I thought I knew them more or less. I would never thought they might behave like they were. So this added to a already worsening picture of my inner state. I wasn’t socially everywhere, liking all and being liked. I was moving more and more towards “the side” and at some point I preferred being there. I didn’t like this weird kind of “cock fight” tendency seeing amongst people around me, who is better in what, who is this or that, looks funny, underperforms, sticks out because of this or that feature or behavior or how good he is etc. Judgments I couldn’t handle. Sometimes complete lack of sympathy towards one another or some people was “repulsive”. Lack of understanding someone else’s point of view, feeling, situation. Making fun of people. It was like a black and white comparing previous environment from primary school and this one I found myself in. So my underperformance in learning, my somewhat disability because of that new years eve accident, eye-opening behavior of my friends from primary school and overall atmosphere objective and perceived by me were fueling the “darkness” in me.

Looking from the psychological perspective at the period of the primary school I would say I was lucky to be in it because it seems like it was a good environment for developing empathy towards one another. Being a good ground for developing and sustaining conscience, social bonds, empathy etc. A “fertile ground” for normal behavior - the understanding coming from the site of teachers and my parents. Thanks to that I could have the exterior comparison to the fallowing period of high school. Though that picture was not uplifting to say the least.

During that latter teenage time another thing happened. One of my old friends from primary school introduced me to a lan-gaming and took me to a local game club. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back of me trying to somewhat “stand straight on my legs” in my life. I got my “escape” rout, drug that “helped” me cope whit the reality. I loved video games before and could play some times hours but it was just one of many things I was doing. It didn’t devour me that much. This time the “soil” was “suitable” and the seed of addiction and escape had been planted. I found people not that competitive and without overgrown ego who loved just having time playing with each other and “socializing” this way. Somehow compensating the reality like I did as well as being between “normal” people and not being left aside. I started to leave school more and more. More or less at the same time my health deteriorated objectively but also I started to simulate sickness to miss school. I was getting sick more often. Turned out I developed an allergy where before I was a example of great health, taking part in track meets and being very good at it. My grandpa had a woodworking shop and I could spend hours helping him and not sneezing once. I guess junk food played its role. And even if I felt good in the club, forgetting all that was there in the high school, when I had to go back there each time I was stressed more and more. I knew I was doing wrong, letting down myself, my parents but I couldn’t overcome this. I was too far back whit everything; social life, learning and psychologically capable of overcoming that swamp. I was slowly drowning in it. It was so bad that at some point I was the top student with the most time off from the school. More people than before started to deride. I was laugh at even when I couldn’t attend school from objective reasons and had to leave and start half the way of class time, because I had that reputation fallowing me everywhere. So this was happening and at the same time with still my awareness that I was doing bad on every level and I knew I could do way better but I wasn’t able to. At times I was dissatisfied with myself. Where I was and what I was doing. Dogging school, taking responsibility, doing the right things, I was failing. And I could not help myself. Didn’t have the tools to pull myself out of it. I was blaming myself but at the same time putting a side those thoughts and going back to a “drug” of gaming. Important factor that added more stress to that factor was the way my parents tried to fix the situation. Even though they meant good it had opposite effect. They were telling me how I will end up if I will be doing what I am doing. Trying to put me down in attempt to get the effect which in their perspective will lift me up by realizing how bad I am behaving leaving school etc. The thing is, I knew that... And because of that attitude I was going even deeper into that sadness and misery. Started soft drugs, alcohol and discos. I even tried one type of hard drugs but thankfully I think had a kind of psychical line I guess unconsciously drown in me and left them when I saw what was happening with me.

In third grade I failed. Didn’t pass and had to repeat the year. I had an option to change the profile so I chose IT class where some of the friends I knew from a game club were. I only had to pass the exams for English because before I had French and German languages. I took private lessons during the summer time. I knew little English from games and movies and it had more sense for me to learn it. I finally was doing something I was getting good at it and it was easy and fun. I passed. Started new year. Couldn’t leave gaming but was trying to handle the school stress and learning. I passed my “matura” exam (school-leaving examination) but with poor results. Didn’t have perspective for any full-time studies and didn’t feel strong enough to take this challenge. I was scared after what I came through in those high school years and felt like a looser. I went to a paid art studies sponsored by my parents and they are not wealthy so it wasn’t easy for them. I created a habit a specific attitude towards a challenge which was a school, learning and taking responsibility for it. I didn’t had the motivation, didn’t see the purpose in it. I wasn’t strong enough. If we can speak about any kind of strength in me at that time. I did one semester and left. My parents still were trying to motivate me with the same approach. My negative attitude towards them was growing exponentially. I started some paid practice in the County Office but it was only for 3 months. Then, one of the guys I knew briefly from my neighborhood meet me at the street. We almost never spoke. Started talking and he said he is planning to go to Ireland and asked if I want to go with him. I was surprised because I was thinking how good it would be to go to work abroad and earn some decent money and get out of my town, parents and all that situation I was in. I agreed and we left few months later. We came back after 1,5 year. I got some rest there even if I was working full time job and was basically on my own. I fell in love in that country but I felt like I have to come back with some money saved and start a school again. I wrote to my old art school and was told I can start from September and don’t have to go through exams again. I had a plan, more or less. Unfortunately I wasn’t ready enough. I failed again. Was too lazy. Not enough motivated again and didn’t see the purpose. I couldn’t as well connect with the people on my year. I was balancing between trying to make the most of what I had and was going time and again into those “depression” like periods. I left that school again after one year. Went to work in my home town.

All this time from childhood, but especially the high school period, created this tendency that either develop more or has been straighten in me which, as I know now, was a effortlessness falling in a state of disassociation. I don’t know how prevalent it was but my guess is it was happening more often then let’s say on average is happening in others. I disassociated each time stressful situation came up, even slight. I lived in a dream land or I was simply avoiding situation that were making me uncomfortable, including thoughts of that kind. And if those came up I was drowning in sort of lucid dreams in which I was the hero in that scenario.

At that time something happened. I was hanging out with some new/old friends. Among them my friend who came with me to Ireland. It was cool at the beginning. They got into the NLS (neurolinguistic seduction, pick up stuff etc.) and were reading books on that subject, watching videos. So did I. I came also across new age book “The Secret” and Murphy’s “The Power Of Your Subconscious Mind”. I liked those books. Somehow they helped me to stay sane and to have a sort of strength to go forward to some extent. My “gang” started to change. Their behavior and attitude towards one another because of that NLS stuff. As before I started to see this “cock fighting” between them. I felt sad about this situation and that from quite friendly atmosphere they ended up embracing there ego. Then at one of the polish website equivalent of Facebook I saw a girl that I have seen few times in the game club years ago. I knew she was painting so I talked to her. It sparked almost instantaneously. We chatted online a lot. Meet and became a couple. She hooked me with OOBE, lucid dreaming, dead recovery techniques and some other esoteric stuff. I was gone. I loved it in terms of reading about it and getting to know that such things exist, might be possible and so fascinating. And some light, or a spark fired in me. I left “the gang” completely and after 3 months moved to Wroclaw. I was devouring what she was telling me from her experience, the courses she went on, books she was reading. It was a great time. I wanted to know more. I was happy. Then, I had this book about unexplained phenomena which I never touched. So to get to know more about those things I started reading and then came across channeling chapter describing Jane Roberts and the Seth. Author cited some pieces from her book. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Excited, I told that to my girlfriend Magda. Started to look up for the book the author wrote, if there was a polish translation. And then came across the link leading directly to one of the Cass sessions translated into polish. I didn’t know it was a channeling material. Form was rather weird for me. Didn’t know what “A” and “Q” meant at first glance but I started to read. I could not believe after a minute that someone was asking questions and was given strict, certain, answers to some of the questions that were normally hard to answered explicitly by science or couldn’t been known by a human being. That was it! I told to my Magda what I found and we printed all there was in polish and started to read together and talk about it sitting in the bathroom with our heads “smoking” from the information. We loved the material and what was available on the polish website of the Cass group. After a while we offered a help with translation though it was mostly Magda that was doing the job, she was studying English philology. I knew some of it but comparing to her I was “wimp”. We were slowly going through material and books recommended on Pracownia4. I remember when I first started to read “In search of the miraculous” by Ouspensky. We were coming back from our home town to Wroclaw on a train. What he was writing struck me like a lightning. I didn’t understand all that he was writing but I “felt” like this is IT, this is something valuable and that at some level I felt he was right about sleep and sad state human were (or what’s more I was). I guess I somewhat connected to it and interpret some of that into my sad situation, who I was and how I was handling my life. I felt I came across the tools I needed. I even remember when we left the train saying to Magda that I might act weird because I want to try what Ouspensky was writing about. She laughed saying I should calm down and take it easy. I have this trait being “hot-headed”, overexcited and going full into something I will consider worth but after a while the fire fades and most of the time I leave the ideas or whatever I undertake. That’s why her comment to “calm down”. But this time something in me knew this is not as always. It cannot be. It’s my chance I reasoned.

One of the first realization at the very beginning of my work was that how much we influence each other, how everything we do, say, react, the voice, the expressions, like all of this changes to some extend others and how they influence us. It seemed for me that we unconsciously manipulate each other. At least that was my impression back then. That people reacted to one another like some sort of strings where attached to them.

The things between us unfortunately started to deteriorate. The fire fade and the same friend that went with me to Ireland meet Magda and that was it. He showed up right at the time where our relationship was falling apart. But this time I had some knowledge. I’ve read some of the ISOTM and when I get to know that it was the end of our relationship I was almost devastated, or I felt I might be. I felt emotion combined with thoughts rumbling in me. I had this information that we are machines, that we react automatically, so I refused to react. I remember that time really well in our small apartment sitting alone and feeling the emotion growing. I oppose. I said to myself “I will not react as I always would”. I’ve seen my thoughts going in her direction. Thoughts fueled by emotions coming with the plan attached about what to do to get her back, what kind of sneaky tricks to use to look pity, to make her change her mind. I saw this tendency and I was fighting. I was repeating in my mind “I want react as always”, “I refuse”. I wasn’t, as much as I could, letting those thoughts to resolve, to go any further to become action. I remember the struggle, the friction, but I was determined and I fought and I won. I didn’t do anything that some part of me was telling me to do, was pushing in the specific direction. I was vigilant, at least to that aspect of myself, and I let her go. I let that lesson to end as I thought it should, whit dignity and in the right way with no pity coming from childhood tendencies, and this episode was a shock that pushed me forward.

Then there was one more thing during that time which was significant. I still lived with Magda, she is a sweetheart, so she of course let me stay at her place until I will be able to move and find a place to rent. It wasn’t easy to still see her as you probably can imagine, but I won the struggle and in a way something changed in me. Something ended in me. The result of the struggle gave some kind of understanding. This attitude that was trying to push me in her direction was gone or rather didn’t had a power over me, was weak and died naturally. I understood what was it, I saw its nature. I was going through the ISOTM and at some point visited old friend of mine from the gaming club times. The one that was in a way close to me. Because I was still struggling with some instinctive sexual tendencies and the negative emotion appearing from the awareness she was with friend of mine I had to talk with somebody and he was the person I always talked to. It was a long conversation. I was trying to understand what was going on in me and this whole situation. I was thinking, talking, considering everything what was going on in me, in my relation with Magda, my attitude towards my friend, all I could think of. We spoke good few hours. Then I left for a train to Wroclaw. This “reasoning” at his place and even on the way to train station did something in me. I remember very well standing inside the station building with my mind kind of working all the time even if I didn’t decide about it. Thoughts were circulating, some I was directing and thinking as much as it was possible voluntarily but mostly I was just rather passive observer/participant and then the change came. Something changed my perception. Literally, I started to see the world differently, hear sounds more vivid, became more calm, vision was sharpen. It faded for a moment but came up when I sat in the train. It was something I never experienced before. I was sitting straight in the wagon looking around in that state and couldn’t get over it. I was scanning everything around me with that state, that vision in me. Everything seemed suddenly to be still, like I was in the eye of the cyclone. I didn’t “feel” time. Like if the time stopped. The faces of passengers were still, absent. I was surprised “no one was looking at me”. It seemed as if they were here and not here and the same time and no one didn’t notice the change in me, which for me felt so real and strange as if I was radiating and they didn’t see it. I had those feeling of strangeness but the amazement toke over. I knew something profound happened and I didn’t want that state to end. I think it lasted all the way to Wroclaw. Time didn’t exist for me. The road flue bye. I remember standing with people between the wagons right before we were to leave the train and notice a difference from when I was sitting. I felt “exposed” as if in a way was “naked”. Still being in that state. Trying to prolong it and focus on it I was looking around the people. They were not looking at me! And I write this because I often must have this thoughts/feelings that you are rather often watched by at least someone. No one was. I felt this silence so ”strongly” as if “undead” froze in front of you because they didn’t sense your blood or sent. Conductor came to check the tickets. He was “silent” to. Not present. How could it be if he was interacting with me. Didn’t even look at me. It was also a bit strange and terrifying but I didn’t want it to end so I persisted in it as long as I could. It ended somewhere after I left the train. I remember one more thing, promising myself and saying to myself I don’t want to forget this state, I can’t, I will not, I will do all it takes to remember that state. I could not go back to it for some time. At least not in such intensity. But I didn’t forgot it happened and it changed me. It changed slightly my perception. Not continuously but the quality of it changed and the experience changed something in me.

I was trying to cope with braking up and being alone and my tendency to run away from reality came back and pushed me towards games. Warm, cozy bliss. But this time it was different. It wasn’t like before. I was still reading as much as I could, as much as I could stretch my will and fight with myself and those pesky impulses of laziness and excuse of all sort. So there I was hanging between two worlds, wake up world of 4th way I was reading about and knew it existed and the world of sleep, stagnation, pleasure making of playing, watching movies etc. But the seed was planted and was growing in me and I knew or understood that the time was coming to make a decision, it was inevitable. Beside reading the material from the 4th way I was reading other stuff that was available on Pracownia4 about the situation in the world, aliens, the Wave etc. But I also noticed inclination to color some of that knowledge with my beliefs and attitude and that this was “twisting” the facts so I decided I have to work on myself to root this out so I could, as much as possible, objectively look at that knowledge, facts and materials, and not to reject it because of my inner state and “filters”. So I decided to focus more on reading and studying whatever I could get my hands on from 4th way and change that twisting of perception and assimilate the truth due. Also worth of mentioning is I struggled with an ambivalent emotions towards what I was reading, towards Cass and all that knowledge. There was a part of me that was against all of that. Denying what I get to know, making me doubt, afraid. But I persisted because the only way to find out the truth is to know more and check for yourself and be careful.

I moved out from Magda’s apartment. Found a room in a private apartment with the owner living with me. This was it. That was the thing. I decided to leave my old me, at least in my mind. To set out on a journey of the Work as much as I could with all my being or those parts that felt it to be right. I felt this decision was different than those I was making before. It felt firm and right and with no return if I set out. The perspective of going back was terrifying because I knew I will break down if I fail. I would be disappointed to such an extend I could not dismiss it anymore and run away from the truth about my state anymore. I still was like this flag on a wind internally, indulging in pleasures and my weaknesses but I was moving forward and I wasn’t forgetting the decision. I knew I was on the right track and this gave me the strength. I didn’t weep when I had to move with my stuff, was dragging books over the city to other rooms I was renting when I had to move and it was fun rather than pain. I struggled with pleasure. At that time the polish translation of “Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson” came out which I found by accident in one of the book stores right about that time. Couldn’t be more happy to read what Gurdjieff himself wrote. I was trying also in the meant time for a while to help Iza with translations, but I was weak, and couldn’t stand up to that task consistently. I started reading the Beelzebub and this was another change for me. This book stretched my capability to think as if I took over the way the G. was writing with those long sentences. Also my attitude towards people changed, emotionally, as if my ability to be empathic came back or opened in a way. As for “ISOTM” I didn’t finished them at once. It was to “dense” for me to swallow and I didn’t want to go further if I didn’t understood what I read. I didn’t want this book to go to waste and be left out so I was trying what I’ve read. I was still “liquid” in my behavior, inner state and thoughts. Eventually I came to the point of the next decision and realization. I can’t just read about those things and think about them. I had to start to put them into practice and not to pretend I am practicing.
So I was practicing or at least I tried. All this time because I was handling with that work on myself by myself, most of that “work” was chaotic. Unstructured. Going from one concept taken from 4th way to another. From multiple I’s to mechanicalness, to not being who you think you are, trying to see it, pondering on it rather than trying to see it, or trying but not the way I should. Somewhere in that storm of thoughts and turbulence I realized I need to know what is it all about that observation! And that I have to start slowly from one concept. So I started to try it. To get the grasp what it is, how does it “feel” internally to observe yourself. I didn’t want to delusion myself I was observing myself. I wanted to know how it feels, tastes. What is it like. What it really is to observe. And I struggled a long time. The knowledge of forth way in me was still chaotic but I was focusing more and more to understand observation. So I was trying and came across all sorts of obstacles. Couldn’t name them back then, but now I know it was identification, lack of actually ability to focus! Few things came up from that inner scuffle.

I remember riding back in the buss from work stretching my will and focus to figure out how it is to be in a state of observation and at the same time all those emotions running through me when looking at people, when they moved around me, interacted, passed by. All this disturbed all my efforts and caused my attention to go back and forth every possible direction, in and out, left and right. I was starting to be annoyed by this state of affairs. I was more and more flexing internally so finally out of desperation I started to talk to myself and forcing myself using my will to not to let this inner chaos to lose my focus and at some point finally I started saying to myself “I am not those emotions”, “They are not me”, “This is not me”, “This is not me”... at the same time feeling them, seeing them and then something changed. They lost their power, there intensity, and I saw that they are really not me, that I have them rather than being them In a real, deep sense! I detached inwardly from them. It stayed in me that “taste” of it. I saw it. I experienced it.

The observation practice was still going bad because I was lacking the ability to focus, though I didn’t know that then. I was trying observe myself when I could, when I remembered about it and when I was not in a state of identification. There was another small “epiphany” in the buss. I was going back from work standing in the vehicle and trying to see what I can observe, experimenting with my attention, looking inwardly at my inner world scanning it or at least try... and then a sort of “voice” appeared or “attitude” I noticed, saying I can’t do that! I can’t do what I am trying to do inwardly. That it is “crazy”, what others will think of me? That this is not normal! That I can’t. I was so taken aback by this because on the other hand I realized there was no one around me seeing and hearing what was happening in me and despite this some part of me was afraid and some sort of maternal “guard” or “social despot of a grandpa devotee kind” was in me telling me not to do it! I realized first of all I had this part in me as a security guard developed as a consequence of socialization, second I could do whatever I want inside me and nothing will “happen” and no one sees that. I know it might sound obvious but it wasn’t just an information you know, I felt it and it changed something in me profoundly. I was still internally and behaviorally like a “flag on a wind”. The struggle continued. Reading, checking what I’ve read. Going back and forth.

Finally I came across one of my enemies, the attitude/emotions/ fear of school that I developed in the past. It may sound weird but it was a real challenge for me after all those years of subjective but real nightmare I went through. I knew that if I take this work seriously I have to live it and challenge myself. I had to go to University. I had two options I was considering. Art school, the best in the Wroclaw or Psychology at the University of Wroclaw. First even if seemed to be a challenge to get in (it wasn’t easy as far as I knew) but latter was a bigger mountain, evoking all those feelings I knew I had to work through plus it was greater challenge intellectually, and I wanted to know what academic knowledge had to say about our psychology. I was afraid I won’t get to full-time studies on the daily mode because of my weak diploma from high school and I had to keep working to be able to leave in the city, so I had to choose the paid evening mode, fortunately with the same amount of hours, but after work and it was easier to get it when you pay for them. I moved again and again dragging with me my stuff and ended up in a student apartment close to my work and the University. At that time when I’ve made the decision my attitude towards the work changed again. It was another serious step and commitment I had to make and stop beating around the bush in that respect. I wanted to try harder, to push myself more so this time the same scenario from previous years of dropping school won’t happen again. And it felt like there is more I have to do in working on myself. I started to read english materials and Gnosis. That book helped me a lot to sort out some of my knowledge and helped me to better understand many of the concepts. I focused more on practicing self observation. It was around 3 months before the academic year starts. I started to do EE more consistently and challenge myself in maintaining my attention during more uncomfortable situations and when I was losing my attention and got identified with inner flow of sensations, emotions, thoughts and body. The time was coming. I gathered my papers and went to Psychology department. I was “scared”, shaking but observing myself as long as I could. I didn’t want anything in me to make me “turn my legs” around and withdrawal. I was so determined and focused that I remember the way to Uni. I remember who took the documents from me and I kept my attention to observe. When I got into the room where the applications were taken I noticed how “mechanical” the gentlemen sitting there was! It surprised me. I thought I will be the awkward one who does all those unnecessary movements, talks without any attention put into it. I think fear caused my expectations to grow into irrational sizes in terms of what will happen there and that I will be observed by whoever will see me. That was one of the more shocking experiences, more outstanding from others when I observed people around me.

Around month before I started studies I meet my ex-girlfriend. She seemed interested in Cassiopaea material and she knew a guy who was into it then she was. We talked, meet and after actually short time she moved to Wroclaw, to an apartment I found before she came over with her things. Few days later we took a car and went shopping. Two things happened. My attitude towards outer world changed in those last moths/years because of the work. The attention, how I saw some things and how I reacted or not to them. She took some sweets from the store and after standing in the lane she was complaining, I think, about money and that she needs to save them. The thing is... I responded with such a clear rationality, logic and it felt so natural and obvious to me I didn’t realize it could be taken so “offensive”. I simply pointed out the contradiction in her behavior but not to be mean but to show the solution - want to save money don’t buy those sweets. She got little angry and I was taken aback. Other thing that happened was that I left my wallet at our place so I asked if she can pay. She said ok. But when we left the store I noticed her behavior changed. Her anger started to grow. Because it was easier for me now to stay calm and don’t let to identify with the emotions and reaction inside me to some extend I was again surprise how easily you can get angry with “no reason”. In the car I asked calmly what’s going on and I get to know she had those thoughts I want to scam her on money because I didn’t took the wallet and she thought it was on purpose. In such a situations I always tried to not let the emotions take whole of me, I fought with the attention and not with not letting them to “go beyond my neck into the head”. I calmed her down.

Till that time I managed to noticed in more detail inwardly what was exactly going on in me. Loosing attention felt like I was “drowning” in the sensations turned on by exterior or interior situations/factors/impulses. The difference was more distinct then before. But still I was losing it more often than I had it but the thing is it was more distinguishable in terms of inner taste of it or rather perception. It really felt like my consciousness when I could say that this is me now doing, saying, feeling and seeing those thought, feelings is plunging into them like into a river and the it’s gone... there is no more I am here but “it” is and happens.

TBC...
 

Piotr

The Force is Strong With This One
Psychology turned out to be a full of materials to go through. Tons of it! Notes from lectures plus chapters from the books, sometimes whole books. It was a challenge because I wasn’t studying since you might say a primary school - high school was in most of the time avoiding learning. So not easy. The first semester was coming to an end and whole bunch of exams had their dates and all what was in my notes plus all the material to read was everything I had to go through to prepare for finals. And here I struggled with focus and falling asleep over the books! I was loosing so much energy it seemed that I was getting sleepy. I fought it time after time. It seemed like the brain was using up all the energy I had or I don’t know, from whatever reason, probably still not optimized diet. Maybe I wasn’t get used to spending so much time learning over sometimes tedious stuff. Well, I didn’t gave up and finally noticed I could spend more and more time without this drowsiness. Even though I failed in math at high school I did logic without any problems and even helped few of my colleagues to understand it and teach them. I was happy to see the progress and that I can manage. There was another thing that was continuously present in my awareness. That I was all the time mechanical. I couldn’t do nothing about it. It was pervasive. Whenever I remembered to observe myself I saw it. Even in such a small things like washing my teeth and feeling always the same emotions during that time, thoughts flowing without my permission, loosing attention and drowning in them, then coming back to myself and back again. Any posture evoke certain inner state, attitude. I remember very well one thing. We were coming back home from train station. It was after the rain. I was trying observe myself while walking with my Joanna by hand and I noticed, at first subtle, a sort of tendency to avoid puddles while walking but at the same time not even considering what was lying in the path of my girlfriend! That without my knowledge and will I was doing such a selfish thing! It might seem like nothing but it struck me hard. Many situations like this, seeing mechanicalness in me, loosing attention, not being able to observe myself and last but not the least to see my inner inclinations of negative thoughts toward my girlfriend over pity things. This last came to my awareness when I was doing EE and after I finished I burst in tears and not being able to keep them inside I confess to Joanna what was happening in me and that I felt so bad because of that. I wasn’t trying only to say sorry to her I was sad of how I was and what was in me, I cried.

Finally something broke in me again. Some emotional build up reached its limits and I had enough of that automation of my behavior. I felt I was too passive to long and it was time to try to change it and not avoid the matter. To make next step and to make an effort in the work. I was reading Gnosis looking for help. Got on the forum and found a post about observation. Reading and reading I could understand better some of the things and with persistence it was slowly easier to not identify with those little “I’s” and even to some extent to remember myself, to decide at least about something I was doing, saying, thinking and behaving. I stretched myself and my will so that for example when I talked I wanted to be me talking, I stretched my attention so that I was listening to myself while talking, like a laser irected into a stream of thoughts and words so that it felt like it was me talking not it.
One example I remember, sitting in a hallway at the Uni reading some materials about the work and my friends from my year were sitting close to me. They were laughing and chatting. I noticed some part of me wants to direct my attention towards them. At first I noticed it and started to observe and at the same time directing it back to where I wanted to be. Than it came back and started again going in their direction. It was kind of “funny” to see how some part of you is doing something different that you don’t want to. This time I put more effort and kind of said to myself without using inner speech - no, I’m sorry, this is more important, focus here. It was not a voice, rather hmm... attitude plus some will power I think. And it weakened and stopped. I could control it and with each situation like that I had more and more control, at least when I was present in me. I came to the conclusion I had to practice focus more and that this was a key in observation and potentially remembering yourself. Well, diet played a role as well, but this I realized way before. You need healthy well functioning body, period. Also breathing exercises, EE, helped a lot! I was for some time doing them an hour before my normal time when I get up on the morning. I had a particular supervisor at work. One of those who people call “fabulist” or “storyteller” with a tendency to be stubborn when you disagree with him and a bit bossy, more than necessary anyway. So I thought I had my “little, little, little pity tyrant” to work with. That’s why I needed the EE on the morning. I wanted to be prepared because I noticed how easily he could aggravate me at least inwardly.


I passed first and second semester with good results, way above average. Whit Joanna we got along quite ok but she started to get stressed out more and more at her new job as a stomatologist assistant. Her boss seemed to be an emotional vampire from what she described or with some sort of narcissistic tendencies. Eventually she couldn’t stand the atmosphere so we decided to move to my home town so she could have a calm job and get some rest. She didn’t want to go back to stomatology ever again. She wanted peaceful town and easy job at some local store. I decided to commute to the city. She found a job in one of the supermarkets. This riding was another challenge, to commute, to get up early, eat breakfast, manage to get on a train on time, ride 1,5h, get to work and after work go to the University. I didn’t mind. I saw this as new task and challenge. It was another opportunity to stretch my will and to observe and fight with whatever was happening in me and not to whine about “how hard life is”. Sometimes I was reminding myself how little I do comparing to let’s say G. and what he did in his life. I do remember observing myself right after I was waking up at around 4am each day as there was a resistance in me to not to move, to not to get up. Sensations of tiredness coming from body evoking emotions and thoughts. I “saw” excuses coming forward, I heard myself talking “I don’t want to get up”, “It’s so early”, “I don’t want to”. No mercy. Determined I stretch my will, observed them and tried not to identify with them and see them as not me but as “it” that wants and dislikes this or that living on its own without my any action, decision. That was great exercise and after a while “it” didn’t have power over me, became weaker and weaker and I was getting up almost effortlessly. I also noticed that I was waking up not being sleepy, having sharper perception and “coming” to myself quicker, almost instantaneously. Each such struggle was making other obstacles less difficult to come over.

I also remember swearing to myself I will remember myself as often as it will be possible or at least remember to observe myself. To keep “coming back to myself” again and again. It was frustrating to see still how hard it was for me. How often I was forgetting about it. How easily I was being distracted, “sinking” into whatever was happening around me or in me. Even if this state of affairs repeated, every day I persisted. I changed frustration into a fuel. Didn’t even think of giving up. I think we moved twice during the time we were living in my home town. I loved commute because of the trains. I had a time to read there or even to do an EE breathing as much as it was possible without waving the hands around. It felt like I could focus better in the train and felt less stressed and worried about what was happening around me. I could cut off myself and immerge in what I was doing at the moment - reading mostly. I went you might say “full mode” into work on myself, going through next volumes of Gnosis and other materials I could get my hands on and at the same time studying at the University.

I remember that when I needed “more understanding” I found it. For example I came across English book of Views from the real world on polish version of an eBay website. I “devoured” that book. It helped a lot. For example I notice what he was saying about the fear. How present it was in our everyday interactions, weak sometimes in its appearance/taste but still there. I also noticed an attitude when interacting with people perceived as being higher in a social status.

Another thing was that I could be more present in myself to some kind of degree and quality and it was happening more often, or at least it was easier and easier and when I was “in me” trying to make decisions in that state, even small, like for example deciding if I will go lazy for a moment or do what I knew I have planned I felt this sort of burning in me, a felling that was preventing me from doing the wrong thing. I was “unable” to do opposite from what I knew I had to. There was in those cases no more inner conversation and voices giving all sorts of excuses. They wear weak and almost instantaneously cease.

Another episode that happened was the question my ex girlfriend asked me once when she felt like she had no place of her own, in terms of home, that we moved a lot and didn’t have our own house. She asked me something like “don’t you feel like you don’t have a home” or “wont you like to have a home? And I knew what she meant but when I looked into myself to answer her question I had this feeling in me which I could only describe that “I feel like I have home in myself”, pointing out into my chest I said “I feel here is my home”. I think what I also meant and didn’t said to her at that time was that I felt stronger and in the right place and I felt that strength was coming from inside and that felt being “in peace” with myself and the word home when she said it resonated in me as such.

At some point Joanna asked if I would like to go back to Wroclaw and find an apartment there so I could spend less time traveling and get some rest. I said I don’t mind doing like it was but it would be nice to have more time. She decided to try to get a better job so she looked for a job in Wroclaw. I said she might take an advantage of her knowledge of tree languages, fluent german, very good english and of course polish. She got the job in HP company. So we found an unfurnished apartment for a good price. We had some furnishes of our own. We moved.

I again remember noticing that ability to focus for a long time played a big role in being able to remember myself or to observe myself and practicing it was very important. Studies helped with that task because I had a chance to do it sitting over the books and studying and not letting be distracted by either inner or outer impulses. I was trying to balance the time I felt I have to spend on studying and time spent with my Joanna. She not always understood my need to get my task done as best as I can, that it was not only a simple duty towards the school but towards myself. I mean, she knew that to some extent but her impulses to do other things were stronger at times.

I wasn’t socializing at all, I mean I didn’t go out for a drink or anything like that. At some point I realized I felt some kind of loneliness inside of not having someone who would resonate with me or who would share my view of the world or of what I was learning, reading and seeing. I remember also realizing how important is the proper environment to express that part of yourself which comes from your “conscience”. What I mean is that I didn’t felt I had much opportunities to “show” it, to “implement it” so to speak. I mean I felt in conversations that I could not express it because a lot of points of view of my friends were floating around there defense mechanisms and I felt this blockage. But what’s more important I noticed that if you don’t have an opportunity to express the impulse of your conscience and the fertile ground for it, it is hard to maintain it or to ground it in you. To practice it. I felt I could express myself differently if the outside was different. But I kept my tendencies inside me and cherished them as best I could.

Around that time we started not getting along and the differences in our value systems started to be more and more evident and stood on the path of our behavior towards the outer world. We had few conversations about it. Sometimes Joanna exploded. She was stressed with work. She wasn’t handling well in the work place, the pace, the pressure. I think I wasn’t present enough for her. I didn’t know how to ease her pain better. I still knew I might fail on my path if I indulge too much but I wanted to created at least stress less environment at home, so we watched movies, her favorite TV Shows, cooked gluten free cakes (She wasn’t fully on my diet). And I started to move away from my diet from time to time.

At some point we had a conversation that it is not working out between us. That we are to different and even if I tried as best I could to explain some of my behavior or thoughts or ideas or my attitude, I was unable. I remember even one conversation in the bathroom where I tried to explain my view point and even if I focused to remember myself, not to lie and say as it is what I want to say in me, slowly weighting my words, putting my hart on a plate, I failed, that is she couldn’t see my point of view. You can’t pass along your understanding. No way. At that point I’ve learned it big time. I’ve never pushed Joanna to get interested in what I was reading. At the very beginning of our relationship I knew that my attitude can consciously or unconsciously influence my actions towards Joanna. So I promised myself to be cautious about it and respect her free will. So when Joanna asked, we talked. But without studying and implementing what you learn you can’t understand a lot of things at some point. And so that when someone tread on her toe her reaction was different than mine. When she saw someone as negative, offensive or “stupid” I tried to explain to her the situation, see other point of view, understand that person either it was a stranger or family member. It didn’t always work. I should mention Joanna had ruff childhood. Really bad I think, though she didn’t describe it as such. I think her biological father was a psychopath or some sort of damaged pathological person. Her next step father as well. And the present, third stepfather too. That one was closing the fridge from her using chains, abusing her psychically and tried once physically but she defended herself so he stopped at least in that respect. Her mom didn’t took on her side so that left a hidden blame and disappointment which influenced their relationship. How many times I tried to be the mediator and explain each side’s point of view. I was aware of preserving my own energy and not let myself to be dragged by emotions and drawn into that relationship to become a third party in the triangle. The damage from the past was terrifying. How much harm we can cause to each other is terrible. That was also lesson for me, to see it. So Joanna’s reactions to some people or events echoed from that past. She even over reacted towards my parents when they let us stay for some time in their home in my hometown until we will find a place of our own. Well, after those years while I was studying and not getting alone I finally reached a point that I decided this will not work out and we might do more harm to each other than good. We just resonated on a different way and it was more and more obvious. Somewhere at that time in one of our conversations I got to know that her interest of Cass material was superficial and she was into it because her friend was and later because I was. With time she lost the interest and even became hostile towards it and argue with me often. So we talked again and started the subject of going apart. She saw that and to some extend she understood this. She didn’t felt good either. So this was somewhat hanging in the air and then this happened...

On the beginning of the third year while being in the class room I got a phone from my Joanna that she is in the hospital and that she had a major seizure, so bad that she could not speak for some time. Her friends from work picked me up and we went to see her in hospital. They did testing and the tumor she had cut out few years ago came back and was even bigger. She was devastated. Though I think she knew and felt something was wrong because at the very beginning when we moved to Wroclaw for the first time she was mentioning about tingling sensation in her leg. But she refused to do the MRI. She didn’t want to know. Her mother came from Germany to help me out taking care of her when I was working or in the school. We had to decide fast what to do. They didn’t want to put her health in the hands of polish doctors who didn’t knew her history and she felt more confident to undergo the surgery in Germany, where she had it before and she could not wait. Her cousin took them to Germany not so long after. So the subject of splitting was put aside. I had to stay with her. So I was left alone in the apartment. I had to rent one room so I could afford to stay in Wroclaw. We communicated via Skype. Watched movies, talked. She had the surgery but they couldn’t remove everything not risking to damage important parts of the brain. That was a bad sign. I visit her when I got the time and holiday at work. Keep in mind she came back to the environment that caused her so much pain in the past. She had to live with her mom and stepfather who abused her. At the beginning it was ok. But with each day the past was coming back and she was more and more often stressed and felt on his part that she “doesn’t belong here”. She didn’t felt like a family member but an unwanted guest. I tried hard last time very gently but with all my power to help her relationship with mother because at least that could ease their pain. I talked to her mother about what I’ve learned from Joanna. Show her my point of view and what could help. I told her, that at this point she doesn’t need miracle treatment, she needs mother! I talked about the abuse. Maybe at some level she understood this but after a while everything was coming back to way it was and nothing changed and I finally dropped the subject and gave up of trying to fix it when I didn’t see any motivation from any of the sides. Seems like I had not enough knowledge. I was advising to undergo professional therapy for both of them or at least for mother. So I just was with Joanna as best as I could, so at least she didn’t have a more stressors in here, from our relationship. I visit Joanna every time I could get a longer holiday. She was still having a seizure after some time of surgery. I don’t wish that to worst enemy, to undergo such thing and to whiteness it, especially to see someone close to you to having that. Joanna state was deteriorating.

I was trying to handle the school though I was failing to “keep my back straight” in my task and was indulging more often than I wanted. I didn’t finished the studies as I imagined to do and I wasn’t satisfied with it. Though I did very good in terms of the grades and diploma. But I saw I was falling in my attitude towards myself, school, life.

We started to speak to each other less often because old things started to coming into the surface. At some point Joanna asked me to marry her which I didn’t see comming. I was working in the PC store at that time and I remember I was struggling with this whole day. Whit myself. My thought and emotions. That was a hard decision to say the least, but I refused. We were jumping from being kind to each other to struggling to get along. We differ in the subject of love and what it meant for us as much as we could understand it. And then I was put against such a decision. Me saying no broke the camel’s back and Joanna in a way broke up with me. We did talked about it. I knew her situation so I insisted on still keeping in touch. She had no support there what so ever. But we spoke less and less often. More writing to each other at some point than Skype. Some time later she wasn’t texting me back when I was saying “hello” in the morning. After few days I got a text message from her number that “Joanna is here no more”, more or less. It was actually a weird message, not straight forward. Sometime later I got to know from her aunty that Joanna felt into a coma and passed away after a week or two. I think her mother was angry at me that “I left Joanna”. She didn’t even let me know when she died exactly. She blamed me for living.

There were few things I was struggling with. I understood how much impulses influence you, direct your actions, thoughts etc. I saw I can keep my focus more often and while being calm inside use my head when I need it. I was still struggling with my emotions. I felt “I can’t trust” them. There was this thing I had problem with. I could discern between being pressed by body impulses or emotions and keep my head calm as much as possible but I felt there was no one who could tell me what to do. This is how I reasoned. I can see my emotions. I can see my thoughts, can use my cognitive faculty but even then something was missing. I felt I am missing something that will give a weight to my decisions. That will feel “right”. Like there was no one home. I was fighting the fear and inner tension inside me more and more often so it was less and less stronger and I could stay “calm” inside to “see” clearly and not to get identify in my inner stream of whatever was happening and flowing. But I couldn’t see the goal. I didn’t know what to do next. I was dissatisfied with how I did in the University, at the end of it that is. At the very beginning I promised myself that if I want to help others as psychologist I have to help myself and before I graduate I have to, to a satisfactory point, to feel like I can do it, while being honest with myself. And I felt I failed. I realized that this much time needed to study and rest of it spend on working to have a money to stay in Wroclaw impacted the quality of my knowledge from was gaining from University. I didn’t felt I was prepared to work as a psychologist. It was learning for grades more than for understanding. Though I did try to get us much understanding from that time and this knowledge I was learning as I could. But as I said, I felt like I didn’t do as best as I could. I tried to get a practice at one of the hospital in my home town, just for start and keep things running, but after 3 months I was told there is no money, so it ended. I didn’t knew what to do. I talked to some psychologist about options I had but it didn’t help.

The struggle with myself was more and more difficult. I started to have this deepening feeling of loneliness. On one side awareness that I see and think differently now comparing to those I see around me and I felt “different” and on the other hand I was alone, that is, with no partner. This emotions are my problem I think. The need to be with someone. I knew to some extent what kind of relationship I wanted but that could not become a reality at that point. So this inner state of loneliness caused me to fall to some extent. To go down deeper into old world I thought I left behind. I thought I can have a “normal” relationship, be normal as everyone else and that with what I know and learned have both. So slowly I started to work less and less on myself. I meet my present girlfriend. I was happy I had someone I could give a positive emotions I had in me. To express them.

With no perspective for good, well paid job, we decided to leave the country and go to UK, earn some money, save for our own apartment or house and then come back. More or less that was our plan. Though, as I said to my girlfriend, I felt “I was moving backward”, and that I felt “as if this decision felt like I am running away from something”. From taking next step? From responsibility? To take a next step in being an Obyvatel?

We left the country. I managed the life here to settle in and help my other half with all the rest of strength I had and awareness and knowledge about myself to navigate a new reality here in new country. But I was falling deeper and deeper. New stresses and challenges. Hard work in warehouses. It felt like I was reaching a bottom. It influenced my inner state. How I perceived myself. Where I was and what I achieved to that point. What I was doing impacted my image of myself. I stopped reading and educating. I tried to sort out our life so it resembled some “normalcy”. But somewhere in me the things I have done in the past stayed and didn’t let me fall completely. Each time I was committing “a sin” I knew what it was. Some part of me was still present in me that watched and could name those things and didn’t let them to be forgotten. At least that’s how I see it. After some time, specifically at the end of the last ear something started happening. I thing I was so low that I couldn’t go any further. Old habits and programs were coming back since we came here and I reached a point that it was too much because my behavior impacted my relationship and this voice started to grow stronger. As before “I knew” I have to come back on the path I decided to go through. I was leaving my old “pleasures” I was indulging in and started to get rid of them not without a pain and struggle. I started doing breading exercises again. I got the job that allowed me to listen the old Sott podcast I had on my hard drive, so I copy them to my phone and went through them again and that was it, that was the push I needed. It felt like I was getting up from my knees. I understood what I missed before, that is, the goal of Gurdjieff and the forth way. Hearing this passage from Life is Real Only Then, When I Am something exploded in me. I was reminding myself what I was trying to become and the value of what I knew and was learning. I was starting to “coming back to myself” as I was before. Suffering, but going through it and gaining new understanding of new things.

I was trying to understand what caused me to fail and what I was missing. Most of all I was missing the goal. And as I later on started to going through new episodes of Mind Matters and older Truth Perspective I was getting some hints and new understanding of what I missed before. Thanks to you guys for touching on the subject you touch upon I could learn that I had to work on my emotional side more closely and harder and on my value system! The rising from the ashes was really rapid! First of all starting to write this post about my childhood and going through my past I realized sadly but also with joy in me, though it might be terrifying, that my emotional development stopped after primary school. I mean it continued but in a wrong way I feel. I also realized trying to remind myself how I felt in approach to life when I was younger, that my attitude back then was healthy and actually “right”. I embraced it and took the best of it and accept that after young age I fall. I admitted before myself that emotionally to large extent I am a child. And even if there are some higher emotions in me, or ideas, they are still not crystallized and also there is this pureness I had back in early years that should be cherished. That was one major thing.

Other was the value system. The ideal I didn’t had or missed that part. At some point after finishing University I thought that working on myself will slowly bring something in me, create something, like a voice of true I or conscience on its own, but it seems for me now that this has to be work for. And I know that on one hand it will come forward I think, on the other there has to be conscious work done on it and realization of that necessity and the inner state. I missed that part before. I didn’t see the need of working on emotion to such a extend. I mean it was happening by itself while observing myself and struggling and trying not to express negative emotions and in general going through the process but I missed the importance and after a while I forgot about it and then I fall. And the same was with the ideal. I thought it will come to you in a way. I didn’t focus on it enough. I didn’t think about it. I actually wasn’t thinking much about the work, more just trying to observe, note and some understanding was just coming to me, some small realizations, understanding of the mechanisms where they were coming from either the past or from the present circumstances. Now thanks to guys from Mind Matters I saw I can simultaneously observe or remember myself and keep in mind the ideal even if it’s still vague but present and that this difference in what is in reality, in my behavior and what I see should be, causes a friction and lets me to strive and go forward. There is more to that than this and I recommend anyone to listen to podcasts. I realized that the ideal in itself can be a goal no matter what I do and where I am and with some more work I think it will be more obvious what I have to do because I am still struggling on my goal and my place in this life.

Another thing I understand now better is that I have some mechanism from the past that I didn’t see before. That is my inner image, kaleidoscope of what is happening in me in a reaction to others which includes negative attitude same as I gathered in the high school because of what I experienced from my classmates and others and which adds to my dissociation habit. It’s an inner state of “hostility” towards let’s say approaching me person whit no reason for it or a withdrawing from an interaction with someone because of either seeing that person as presumably one who “did something to me” or another state which makes me feel inferior against someone. My voice changes, I experience specific emotions similar to what I experienced in high school, my body tends to tense and my moves are somehow nervous. That attitude is actually a big one to realize and see because in times of me feeling depressed, sad or anxious this part of me comes up on surface in those moments.

About dissociation subject, I realized I even was still doing it in the University and even I was unconsciously using 4th way as a way to dissociate at times!

So last half a year was a rollercoaster for me in a positive way of going up. I still have to now fight with what I became or what I woke up and the time I spent in this state of indulgence and old habits and old me etc. But I’m back on the track again and learning that lesson. Though I think it’s not over and I think I will have to still challenge the consequences of some of my decisions. Future will tell.

There are few more thoughts that I would like to share with you and which I might forget to mention. Some insights I remember but I won’t be putting them back in the right place chronologically.

The awareness of some kind of being slave to the image I created through my life either perceived subjectively by me or how other see me which was pulling me towards itself, pushing me into confluence, and making me act as I used to, as that person expects me to act or as I see how I would act. Behaving differently (that is as I would be present in me) felt “fake”, not natural. Even right before the interaction I saw how my inner state changes or tries to change thinking about what’s to come. The most strong impulse of that was with my family members and friends that knew me well.

I did also notice that exercising my attention on outer world and focusing only on what is outside helped me not to drawn into my inner state and dissociation. I realized, that if I would like to act as I see it ideally, I have to see the facts as much as I can objectively. In another words I have to see it first, record it and then react and not the other way around that is drawn into confluence and my inner state which popped up before anything happened and then react as it wants. So I saw that if you want to react to the world you have to focus on it, see it and not let the confluence happen. I think that was around University time. I didn’t want to hurt anyone there and people close to me, that was a motivating emotional drive that helped me to see it and its importance. It helped to understand it and try to maintain it.

I do also remember at some point coming back home to visit my parents and having a conversation with my mom about what is happening at school and what I read lately or what I get to know. And I do remember at some point saying to her what I realized and what might seem a bit crazy, I said “that I feel like values are more material for me than the material world around me, than the objects around me”. It was not just my imagination, a word, but it felt same or more real than matter.

I had this feeling at the late stage of my studying walking in the apartment and struggling with my emotions towards Joanna and on the other hand thoughts and feelings rotating around the Work and I realized at some point how important the latter is, that I can’t let myself resign from it and from what I saw in me and how I was and put it aside to make others happy. I knew if I fail even if I make someone else happy, I won’t be able to live with myself as I was or might be if I leave the path I set up to myself. This feeling was so strong that I remember thoughts appeared “It’s more important than your life”. It struck me but it felt right.

There is one more thing I noticed and which is still an elusive and fragile, that is this inner place or state of peace which I can be in or go into and at the same time be present to the outside whatever happens. It still comes and goes depending on my focus, confluence and ability to remember myself or observe. It’s like calm inner state that feels more like me and more like being in the present.

The Éiriú Eolas program helped a lot. I can’t even express how much and how grateful I am you created it and shared. It helped in my work on myself and in my life to face up the challenges I had in front of me or inside me. Thank you so much for that! It showed me the difference in states I was at work or in school and when I was meditating. I could remind myself then and come back to myself and separate inwardly from that small “I” that I was at that moment. It helped me manage the stress levels. I could calmly approach any exam! I could easier practice observation. I think without it, it would be way more harder or even impossible to work on yourself.

Few more things I learned about myself. My traits. Though I would really like to someday to see my main trait as G. was saying. But here are some what I can see on my own.


1. The tendency to satisfy others. To let this impulse drive the way I act, what I do and what I don’t do and the way I am doing things. The motives hidden behind it. Something like willingness to satisfy your parent and anticipate their expectations and act upon those expectations, and not on the reality.

2. The need of perfection implanted in me. It’s not always present but I can feel it in a certain circumstances when it comes up and starts to be a judge that I don’t do things in a perfect way which results in emotions of inferiority. Though on the other hand I did learned to balance that better in the past and as I felt it when doing something doing it with my heart as best I can but without those pesky programs.

3. The program which makes me feel lesser. It in a way connects with second point above. Even though I could find things to be proud of and to be kind towards myself I do still have that program, that trait which puts me down sometimes.


So that’s it. I am open to conversation about anything I wrote. If you see anything I might not, please don’t hesitate... But I guess you want as far as I can tell. I’m open like a book. I’ll do my best to be.
I hope this post will help at least a bit to those who struggle and can find something in it that is similar to what they are going through in their lives.

Thank you for all your work and sharing the knowledge! Be blessed my friends thousand times!


P.S. I don’t know if there is english version of that beautiful poem, but her is my translation.



Greetings, hypersensitive

For your tenderness in the heartlessness of the world, for uncertainty - among its certainty

For feeling others just like yourself infecting with every pain

For fear of the world, its blind certainty that has no bottom

For the need to clean hands of even the invisible dirt of the earth

Be greeted

Greetings, hypersensitive for your fear of the absurdity of existence

And gentleness not to tell others what you see in them

For being awkward in ordinary things and for being able to deal with the extraordinary

For transcendental realism and lack of realism of life,

For not adapting to what is and adapting to what should be

For what is infinite - unknown - unspoken

Hidden in you.

Greetings, hypersensitive

For your creativity and ecstasy

For your greedy friendships, love and fear

That love could die before you.

Greetings for your talents - never used -

For not knowing your greatness will not let appreciate those who will come after you

For wanting to change you instead of imitating you

That you are being treated instead of healing the world

For your divine power destroyed by animal strength

For the extraordinary and loneliness of your roads

Be greeted, hypersensitive.

(Kazimierz Dabrowski, A message to hypersensitive people)


Thank you.
 
Top Bottom