No more running away

[abeofarrell]

Hi everyone. I haven't been on here for a couple of months now. You see, I was going back over my life, looking at everything I have done, everything I have achieved, all highlights of my past and the darkest moments too. I saw nothing but loneliness, despair, living to please others and seeking to be like others.

One thing I saw was that I have never felt a part of this system, I have always felt like I was alien and isolated, that I never fit in. As a result I envied others and tried to please others by seeking attention through stupid behavior. It never worked and just pushed me more into despair.

Even more, all I saw was mechanical responses to the result of other past mechanical responses. Nothing real, nothing genuine. Nothing worthy of praise or honor. I came face to face with my machine in all its oily, rusty filth. This truly scared me. I have spent the last couple of months trying desperately to run away from it. Denial . . . wishful thinking . . . following after the crowd . . . trying to be rebellious . . . but it all left me empty inside. My life slowly fell apart. My family situation got worse, my business got worse. I realize now that as I lived in denial of who I am meant to become and sought to escape from reality everything went from bad to worse.

Over the last couple of days I have finally come to terms with things. It may be that there is only the tiniest spark of the real "I" deep within the machine, a spark almost going out. But I know that if I do not find that spark and work on it until it is a fire consuming the machine which tries to run my life then I will die as a machine, just as I have lived as a machine.

I need this forum more than ever. Even as I write this I know that it too is a largely emotional mechanical response, but I have to do something. I have to move on. I cannot go on living like this anymore. The machine must be brought to a grinding halt.

 

[Buddy]

Hi abeofarrell. I understand what your words mean, but I'm curious as to what you "need" the Work and an active forum participation to do for you?

 

[truth seeker]

I need this forum more than ever. Even as I write this I know that it too is a largely emotional mechanical response, but I have to do something. I have to move on. I cannot go on living like this anymore. The machine must be brought to a grinding halt.

Glad to see you back. :)

Can I ask how you're currently doing with diet and ee? That may be a good place to start and will lend support in your move forward.

 

[abeofarrell]

Buddy, thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. As to what I need, as I see it I am still very much on auto-pilot, and my personality is riddled with programs and scripts which to a large degree I am still not aware of. Active participation here has helped me a lot in the past to see programs which on my own I could not perceive. As G said, alone no man can wake himself up.

Truth Seeker, I am doing EE a couple of times a week. I am following the diet as closely as possible considering my personal health situation (which I am sure you can find if you look at my previous posts).

 

[Buddy]

As to what I need, as I see it I am still very much on auto-pilot, and my personality is riddled with programs and scripts which to a large degree I am still not aware of. Active participation here has helped me a lot in the past to see programs which on my own I could not perceive. As G said, alone no man can wake himself up.

Awesome! Welcome back. I've enjoyed your prior participation and feel you have the gumption you need. :)

 

[whitecoast]

Buddy, thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. As to what I need, as I see it I am still very much on auto-pilot, and my personality is riddled with programs and scripts which to a large degree I am still not aware of. Active participation here has helped me a lot in the past to see programs which on my own I could not perceive. As G said, alone no man can wake himself up.

Hi Abeofarrell. I understand you still want to have blind-spots cleared up, but without specific examples of behaviours and attitudes I'm not sure what to specifically recommend. It sort of feels like you're saying, "I've seen how nothing I truly am and how the world is, now what?" Obviously nobody can decide that for you, just like no one can decide what your overall conscious aim is.

From G's The Last Hour of Life:

[quote author=Gurdjieff]Freedom is worth a million times more than [political] liberation. The free man, even in slavery, remains a master of himself. For example, if I give you something, let’s say, a car, in which there is no fuel, the car cannot move. Your car needs a special fuel, but it is only you who is able to define what kind of fuel is needed and where to get it.

You have to define yourself how to digest my ideas to make them yours, so that they belong only to you. Your car cannot work on the same fuel my car is working on. I suggest to you only the primary material. You have to get from it what you can use. So, more bravely, sit down at the steering wheel. [/quote]

Just throwing this out there, but after seeing how mechanical and void life is in a world full of machines, maybe the next step is to see how you can learn to joyfully improve the world for you and every other machine out there. The predator can be as shocked and dismayed and disappointed as it likes - in fact that's its function. But learning to take ourselves less seriously, and enthusiastically put ourselves second to the needs of others and the world, is something that can't be done by a machine.

But these are also the opinions of a machine. Treat them as you wish.

 

[andi]

Abeofarrell, what changes do you envision. Also being specific about sitations can offer you a good chance of looking at self directly. Maybe one side of you sees the terrible situation and wants to speak up but the other is afraid to give too much detail and in this way resists meaningfull change. I may be wrong. Welcome back.

 

[Voyageur]

Hi Abeofarrell, welcome back.

As the others have said, perhaps try and look to one issue in need that does not want to be brought up. Also, once done, others may follow or not, yet with each, they can be looked at with help and then put away where you can see them. Take it slow and don't beat yourself up.

 

[truth seeker]

Truth Seeker, I am doing EE a couple of times a week. I am following the diet as closely as possible considering my personal health situation (which I am sure you can find if you look at my previous posts).

Glad to hear it. As I'm sure you know, diet and ee can be the first things to fall by the wayside whenever we're experiencing difficulties which is why I asked how you were currently doing. Definitely raising my hand on that one!

As others have said, I also got the feeling from your initial post that more info may be beneficial in helping us to better understand and perhaps being able to assist you further.

 

[abeofarrell]

Thanks everyone. It is not like I was hesitating to give details, there is just so much, I didn't know where to start.

I think the best starting place for me is internal considering. I always feel discontent with my own life and person, and either try to be like others or try to please them in some way. For me the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence. I find it so hard to accept who I am and my own life circumstances. I also buffer up, justifying the way I am or the way I act. This is internal considering, is it not?

How do I deal with internal considering? I know that we simply should NOT do it, but is there a way to really nip it in the butt? Just self-observation? Anything else that has helped others?

 

[Carl]

Thanks everyone. It is not like I was hesitating to give details, there is just so much, I didn't know where to start.

I think the best starting place for me is internal considering. I always feel discontent with my own life and person, and either try to be like others or try to please them in some way. For me the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence. I find it so hard to accept who I am and my own life circumstances. I also buffer up, justifying the way I am or the way I act. This is internal considering, is it not?

How do I deal with internal considering? I know that we simply should NOT do it, but is there a way to really nip it in the butt? Just self-observation? Anything else that has helped others?

There are no shortcuts or tricks, and what causes you to finally 'get it' may well be unique for you. If you could give examples and details, that would be great. Take some time to contemplate and write about it, instead of being so general, and you may get better input.

Do you keep up with the threads in The Swamp? If not, I highly recommend it. There is much insight to be gained into your own problems by learning from others and their feedback, and doing this in itself is a form of external considering.

For me the process, which I am still going through, is one of ups and downs, the spiral staircase. Deep insights are followed by falls into internal considering, but every time I gain a little bit of knowledge and being. Every time I look back just a few months, I can see that I am growing, though I most often feel the illusion that I am going nowhere.

In short it takes sincerity and effort, thinking with a hammer as it is called here.

 

[truth seeker]

Thanks everyone. It is not like I was hesitating to give details, there is just so much, I didn't know where to start.

I think the best starting place for me is internal considering. I always feel discontent with my own life and person, and either try to be like others or try to please them in some way. For me the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence. I find it so hard to accept who I am and my own life circumstances. I also buffer up, justifying the way I am or the way I act. This is internal considering, is it not?

I believe so - not unusual, however. What I've found when having these 'grass is always greener' thoughts is that it's subjective. Often, the lives of others only seem better and are really little more than a distraction used to avoid facing our own lives. Usually the lives of others are just as messed up as our own and their lessons are specific to them, we just can't see it. One important realization I came to quite some time ago is that even if we were somehow able to live the life of another, our own lessons would be immediately waiting for us. Not sure if that makes sense. I'll try to clarify if it doesn't.

How do I deal with internal considering? I know that we simply should NOT do it, but is there a way to really nip it in the butt? Just self-observation? Anything else that has helped others?

A way that has been extremely helpful to me in dealing with internal consideration is by helping others. This allows me to get out of my own way, my own head and focus on the needs of others by serving them. This can be easier said than done, of course, as I find that I have to keep reminding myself to do it but when done without the expectation of receiving anything in return, it opens the way for greater opportunity. It also is good practice, I think, in learning how to truly engage and dance with life. By feeding others in as selfless a manner as possible, I find that I too am fed. Quite inspiring. :)

 

[Buddy]

I think the best starting place for me is internal considering. I always feel discontent with my own life and person, and either try to be like others or try to please them in some way.

There's a difference between genuine altruism and attempts at self denigration while being self-absorbed, so I'd agree with your idea of "the best starting place."

For me the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence. I find it so hard to accept who I am and my own life circumstances.

You mean 'acceptance' as a starting point, or do you mean a sort of 'giving up, things won't get any better kind of acceptance?

I also buffer up, justifying the way I am or the way I act. This is internal considering, is it not?

I tend to think it is when I do it.

How do I deal with internal considering? I know that we simply should NOT do it, but is there a way to really nip it in the butt? Just self-observation? Anything else that has helped others?

I may have a couple of ideas to offer.

Take an inventory of all your habits. Select the ones that are non-essential to life. Change these habits in some way, either to stop them completely or modify them in a way that forces you to take control of where and how you focus your attention. Instead of allowing so much in your life to run on automatic, you want to take this control back as a way to exercise your true Will.

Another possibility relates to the idea of metaphorically thinking of your mind as a closet. Every time your attention turns inward automatically, it's like sticking your nose in that closet to inventory your 'possessions'--to take an "inventory" over and over, ad nauseum.

Here's Don Juan talking about man in his ordinary state:

...mind, for a seer, is nothing but the self-reflection of the inventory of man.

Another idea takes advantage of man's natural predator tendencies. Imagine for a moment there is a predator in your environment right now watching you and waiting for you to become distracted so it can descend on you. To survive you must become like a predator stalking a predator. Start with one of the five major senses and scan your environment, surveying all the sounds (for example). Do the same for the other senses saving eyes for last. Then visually scan for anything odd, unusual or otherwise interesting. After all, it may be camouflaged and pacing back and forth looking at you, or it may be hiding in a bush. Regardless, you must spot it before it can get to you and pounce. Eventually you might want to try and take in all your sensory awareness all at once.

While in this attitude, your attention might relax and eventually swing inward again. Emergency! :) If you dwell on these thoughts, the mental stage will come to the foreground and the environment will fade to back. When you notice this, you can force attention back to where awareness of the environment comes to the fore and the mental stage fades away.

Practice this until it becomes a habit--like you've created any other habit. Eventually you might notice two things: 1) there is a subtle sensation to attention shifting that you can feel with practice and this sensation can function like a Gurdjieffian alarm clock. 2) Depending on your current sensory acuity, you might eventually notice an increase in visual clarity and detail.

I'm not saying any of this will be the ticket for you, I'm saying you must treat this Work as very important if you are to be sincere. Once you understand a concept, turn it into some kind of game or exercise, if you can, and practice it.

 

[celestialvisionz]

Start with doing atleast 1 thing a day that resonates with the real you(s) I say yous because there is the physical conscious you, the dream subconscious you and the higher form you and who knows maybe even more yous but eventually and gradually you will transmute by combining your old habbits and thinking , your new habbits and thinkings into a new and better balanced you just by one act a day that most resonates with you then- 2 acts a day and so forth*

 

[abeofarrell]

What I am doing now is first to focus on external consideration when relating to others, this helps me to stop focusing on myself so much. The other thing is conscious suffering, especially denying myself unnecessary things I want to do and then observing what happens inside when I do that. This may be something small, for example I may want to stretch, or cross my arms, but I resist. Or maybe it is the urge to look at a beautiful woman walking past.

I hope this will be a good starting point.