Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD – From Surviving to Thriving

Bluefyre

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
This is the seminal book for me and perhaps for others on the forum with CPTSD. It is an insider’s perspective on the effects of continuous, chronic childhood abuse and neglect. The two most valuable features I find are first identifying, putting names to states I constantly find myself in, emotional flashbacks, “eternity time” and powerfully setting out the steps necessary to work through them and learn how to nurture and protect ourselves. When children have at least one safe person they can go to with their fears and painful experiences, they learn that it is alright to feel, to express, to at least sometimes be “good enough”.

Bessel van der Kolk’s book is helpful, but still from a clinical perspective, someone observing the effects and talking about ways to help people. Pete Walker does not engage in any clinical talk, although he refers to neuroplasticity. He understands the science and the psychology, but goes deeper, to the core of the problem. Being so emotionally abandoned, we abandon ourselves. He talks extensively about what he calls the 4Fs. These are the biologically wired responses to trauma which are corrupted by living in constant danger, no safe place or person: fight, flight, freeze and fawn. Peter Levine’s work is helpful in understand this, but he focuses more on one-time traumatic experiences. The ongoing, chronic terror of living with a “caregiver” who is truly dangerous is something else altogether. My body often starts trembling and thanks to Peter Levine’s work, I understand that my body is releasing some trauma. There is so much that it’s not a one-shot deal for me, and that is OKAY.

I understand now what happens to me when I go into an emotional flashback. My response has been so intense that I end up checking out so completely that I have experienced missing time, which just compounds the shame that I am just a hopeless person. Ending up in the hospital a year and a half ago was the greatest gift. The support and suggestions of forum members provided enough sense of safety for me to get into therapy. And DCM connected me with a compassionate, caring therapist who uses EMDR as one of her modalities. It is understood that EMDR is not the fix-all for CPTSD, it’s another tool.
One of the most powerful tools is understanding what an emotional flashback is, from an author who still in his late 60s has them. And that knowledge is very powerful. Now I am learning to identify when I’m in a flashback and growing that objective observer part of me that can say “I’m in a flashback. Even though it feels like eternity time and it will never end, that I am the helpless, powerless child at the mercy of my tormentor, I am in flashback. I am here in the present in an adult body. I am safe. “We” (my internal family system) are SAFE. I can breathe. I can feel their terror and NOT run away from it. I can feel compassion for what they lived through and create safety right now, even if it means curling up in bed with a pillow or my teddy bear. Yes, even those comforts were taken from me growing up so it is wonderful to be able to give that to myself in the present. When the last couple of major triggers occurred, I did NOT check out. I cannot convey the amount of sheer will it took to stay present, to ask for help from DCM. This is a moment-by-moment process. I can be triggered at any time by either something I am conscious of or something that is deeper than my conscious mind, usually the latter.

He talks about grieving and how cleansing it is. At this point the only time I feel safe enough to do that is in therapy. She has powerfully created a safe place for me to be wracked with sobs, usually during an EMDR session, and come out the other side feeling some cleansing has happened.
After all of the psychology books I’ve read, the information on this forum about doing the work have been like water on a stone. I just have not been able to “get it” which constantly sends me into flashback mode, that I’m too stupid, worthless, to be “good enough” to be part of a group of such amazing people. I still feel like an outsider almost all the time, that I’m not good enough to belong. I read similar sentiments from other peoples’ posts which helps me to identify the inner critic’s vicious attacks. He has specific things for what he calls “shrinking the inner critic” as well.

I often wonder what it would be like to be as outspoken as Laura, to have the sense of self and safety to say what you think, from a place of truth. Maybe some day I will get there. I can only work with where I am in the present and be inspired that more is possible. When Joe posted his iodine experience the first thought I had when he described that dark emotional place was “imagine living your whole childhood in that place with no one to turn to, completely alone with your abuser”.

One really positive thing from Pete Walker’s perspective is that as we work through the ongoing recovery, the silver lining is that we “earn” the ability to have a depth of intimate relationships that most people never reach.

Something else I would like to mention is Gurdjieff’s thoughts about how people will give up anything rather than their suffering. We don't know we're suffering because it's all we know. That just triggers me into another flashback about how defective and worthless I am. He obviously knew nothing about CPTSD. And Madame Saltzman’s quote about thinking you’re much better than you are. People with CPTSD have NO self and that quote just adds to my feelings of worthlessness. That's a struggle to even write, but it's the truth. I still work to wrap my head around incidents of conscious cruelty from childhood. I know I need to do this to be able to have the objective observer’s perspective and pull my body, brain, neuropathways, out of the abyss. It is not an intellectual pursuit. It is a gut-wrenching, all encompassing drive to see the TRUTH of the situation, with a brain, mind and body that were deformed. What a life’s work! And of course there is the sorrow of spending the first 60 years of my life in this abyss, this darkness and the grieving. The grieving is a powerful tool to shrink the inner critic and the hardest thing to access. The inner critic has a field day with that one. "What have you got to feel grief about? You're such a loser. You're such a wimp. There are a lot of people worse off in the world than you are." The predator mind on steroids.

It’s interesting, yesterday when I was thinking about this post, just the thought of expressing my feelings, after all these years and posts sent me into a serious shaking episode-the terror of being punished for thinking, for expressing my own ideas and thoughts.
This books and therapy are shining light on the “terror of the situation”, past tense. Ironically, I’ve never had the “luxury” of living in blissful ignorance, thinking the world was/is a safe place. Quite the opposite, which is also a gift. I can never take anything for granted or feel any sense of entitlement which people who had some modicum of safety growing up, from my limited perspective, appear to have.
If even one person reads the book and benefits from the wisdom and experience in it, then my struggle to post this is well worth it.

I don’t know if Pete Walker does interviews, but if his book is anything to go by, he would be an excellent guest IMHO.
 
I forgot to add a link to his site. He has lots of great article and link to buying his book.

_http://pete-walker.com/
 
Thank you for sharing this Bluefyre! It is a rare gift to be presented with such a thoughtful and eloquent overview of such a comlepx and disturbing life experience. What you write about are essential insights for all who seek to understand subconscious dynamics better. It is inspiring to read this from your point of view, where this may have been a life or death struggle. :)
 
Indeed, it was well worth it Bluefyre! I read your post earlier today and it inspired me to start seeking out therapy again.

Bluefyre said:
This is the seminal book for me and perhaps for others on the forum with CPTSD. It is an insider’s perspective on the effects of continuous, chronic childhood abuse and neglect. The two most valuable features I find are first identifying, putting names to states I constantly find myself in, emotional flashbacks, “eternity time” and powerfully setting out the steps necessary to work through them and learn how to nurture and protect ourselves. When children have at least one safe person they can go to with their fears and painful experiences, they learn that it is alright to feel, to express, to at least sometimes be “good enough”.

I never even considered this was how I experienced childhood, not being able to go to any of the caregivers in my life for fear that they wouldn't validate what I was thinking and feeling and so it makes so much sense why it's vital for some of us on the forum to seek out that kind of help with the right therapist. It sounds like you found that person, and they have helped you, and continue to help you through difficult and painful memories and emotions.

It is not an intellectual pursuit. It is a gut-wrenching, all encompassing drive to see the TRUTH of the situation, with a brain, mind and body that were deformed. What a life’s work! And of course there is the sorrow of spending the first 60 years of my life in this abyss, this darkness and the grieving. The grieving is a powerful tool to shrink the inner critic and the hardest thing to access. The inner critic has a field day with that one. "What have you got to feel grief about? You're such a loser. You're such a wimp. There are a lot of people worse off in the world than you are." The predator mind on steroids.

The first therapist I ever saw was a somatic-based practitioner who did just that. She drove through the intellectual to hit home at was really bothering and concerning me, and helped me through some seriously traumatic memories and feelings. She was a confident, caring person and her compassion showed through. That she has "been there" and could help me find the way out. It was unfortunate that I ended therapy with her when I did, which I always thought was at a critical juncture, when I finally started to express some of the projections I had put onto her and what I thought she thought of me. It seemed like a revelation had happened where I expressed myself and what I was thinking, only to have her accept what I thought and explain things to me in a way that showed what I was seeing wasn't true, yet not feel ashamed about it. I was so fortunate to find a therapist like her and I have often kicked myself for not continuing on with it because she ended up moving to BC.

When I went to see another therapist last year, it was much different, and I never felt as safe or comfortable with her as I did my previous therapist. Always comparing the quality of the sessions, not feeling as if what I was saying was sincere so holding back my thoughts and feelings, and engaging in a lot of intellectual pursuits, which is what she seemed most comfortable with. It seemed like the sessions could go on forever and yet not go anywhere. It wasn't for me, and even though I tried to stick with it and invested so much emotional energy in the process, I had to eventually terminate the sessions. All sorts of thoughts went through my mind in making this decision, that I was a quitter, there was no hope for me, feeling abandoned and alone again, putting up that emotional "shield", wishing I could go back in time and continue on with my original therapist.

I kind of gave up on myself after this, but now I'm back into looking and this time I won't settle until I find the right therapist who can truly help. Also just ordered the book, too!

Thank you! :hug2:
 
Oh thank you for your responses HiThere and Turgon. One of the things he talks about is therapists. He has actually started a forum for therapists. We're a very challenging bunch to deal with. I stopped therapy at the end of last June because my therapist had plans to move to Vancouver Island and I thought "I've worked through enough memories, etc." and then had the wake up call two weeks before Christmas and had to get honest with myself. I felt like a total failure that I was broken and could never fix myself, but thank DCM her plans had changed and she was still accessible. Turgon, I hope you find another therapist like your original. This forum is amazing and he actually says in the book that some of us are so unable to trust another human being that we only feel safe interacting online, in forums. I put my hand up. I was terrified to see a therapist and only Laura's "suggestion" that I seek therapy after ending up in the hospital, gave me the courage to do so, and the feedback from others. To have one safe, personal face-to-face relationship is very powerful.

This book has helped me come to terms with the fact that I will never be free of flashbacks, the objective truth of the situation. Just like a diabetic can change their diet to improve their condition but will always have that particular tendency, learning nutrition for the mind (tee hee) through the tools and experience he provides, we can learn to develop what he calls "user-friendly" minds. What a concept!

I'm so happy the information is helpful. :)
 
Bluefyre said:
I stopped therapy at the end of last June because my therapist had plans to move to Vancouver Island and I thought "I've worked through enough memories, etc." and then had the wake up call two weeks before Christmas and had to get honest with myself. I felt like a total failure that I was broken and could never fix myself, but thank DCM her plans had changed and she was still accessible. Turgon, I hope you find another therapist like your original. This forum is amazing and he actually says in the book that some of us are so unable to trust another human being that we only feel safe interacting online, in forums. I put my hand up. I was terrified to see a therapist and only Laura's "suggestion" that I seek therapy after ending up in the hospital, gave me the courage to do so, and the feedback from others. To have one safe, personal face-to-face relationship is very powerful.


I have been reading more on his site since you last posted and am quite impressed with Walker's strategies for helping to move through these episodes. Wished I had known about this years ago. His site is a great resource!

One thing I was also guilty of is stopping therapy, probably at a critical juncture. I think I would get to a point where I was feeling better, and also just tired of mucking around in the old feelings, so I would then convince myself I was ‘done’. So that just left the door open for another attack. Now that things are intensifying with the approach of the Wave, it behooves us all to finally get to the bottom of these old programs and clear space for ourselves. I have made a commitment this time to see it through - and having someone I can trust enough to really open up and admit to all these dark thoughts has been a godsend!

One of the things I was reading on Walker's site is the tendency to catastrophize. Sometimes even the tiniest things can set off a cascade of thoughts and emotions, and you end up in the 'bag lady on the street' scenario before you know it. Sheesh - guilty on that one. Just realizing that tendency was a huge help - because it's such an unconscious process - just waiting for the other shoe to drop but not really aware of what I was so afraid of.

This book has helped me come to terms with the fact that I will never be free of flashbacks, the objective truth of the situation. Just like a diabetic can change their diet to improve their condition but will always have that particular tendency, learning nutrition for the mind (tee hee) through the tools and experience he provides, we can learn to develop what he calls "user-friendly" minds. What a concept!

I'm so happy the information is helpful. :)

I agree that while we may always have certain tendencies, one thing we need to keep telling ourselves is that it is never to late to re-program the brain!! As you said, with the knowledge he provides and continuous work, we can change our minds!

As for re-wiring the brain, I have also been reading Joe Dispenza’s book “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself”. Dugdeep mentioned the book on a recent Health and Wellness show. Dispenza gives a series of writing exercises to help identify limiting emotions and the feelings states that go along with them, and then another series of exercises to help identify how you would want to redirect your brain to memorize a new way of being. There are meditation exercises that you go through over the course of several weeks. It’s similar to some of Walker’s techniques where he talks about identifying the critic, stopping the thoughts, then talking back and substituting those criticisms with positive thoughts. I have been working through the exercises and in the process of identifying the disconnect between those nasty messages from my inner critic and what is more objectively true, I have already begun to notice a shift in my perception and a subsequent decrease in anxiety. So..I think his book and exercises would be a great companion to Walker’s work.

(See _http://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Habit-Being-Yourself-Create/dp/1401938086/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr= )
 
Yes, I made a post about Joe Dispenza's book a while back in the book section. It is an excellent companion as well as the meditations at his website. Pete Walker mentions finding meditation practices that help reach a place of calmness, among other things. I frequently listen to his meditation Reconditioning the Body to a New Mind. It is one of the few things that usually brings my body to a reset point of calm. then again, sometimes all I can do is lie down and keep telling myself I'm safe and I won't abandon myself. I've stopped doing the "busyholic" thing, which is ignoring the pain and fear. I have some OCD. I used to sit down to read and 10 minutes later I had to get up and do something, even if I had done the housework, the dishes, the whatever. The open questions in the meditation are powerful for bringing the prefrontal cortex online. And also focusing on space that various parts of the body occupies and the space around the body creates coherence in the three sections of the brain and creates a powerful alpha/theta state where we can access the Truth from within us, or just have a few minutes of blessed relief from the inner critic. I actually sometimes feel a craving for that peace and go with the powerful inner urge to sit, either in simple meditation, usually focusing on safety or JD's meditation, which of course triggers more programs about what a whiner I am or how I need to be earning the right to breathe. It's a wonderful use of right will to just sit down and I do it anyway.

I also find the catastrophizing term very helpful for identifying when my mind goes off in the worst possible future. It was a defence we developed to attempt to protect ourselves, trying to prepare for the next dangerous situation waiting in the wings. I've also lived my life with the fear of becoming a homeless bag lady Aleana.
 
Bluefyre said:
I frequently listen to his meditation Reconditioning the Body to a New Mind. It is one of the few things that usually brings my body to a reset point of calm. then again, sometimes all I can do is lie down and keep telling myself I'm safe and I won't abandon myself. I've stopped doing the "busyholic" thing, which is ignoring the pain and fear. I have some OCD. I used to sit down to read and 10 minutes later I had to get up and do something, even if I had done the housework, the dishes, the whatever. The open questions in the meditation are powerful for bringing the prefrontal cortex online. And also focusing on space that various parts of the body occupies and the space around the body creates coherence in the three sections of the brain and creates a powerful alpha/theta state where we can access the Truth from within us, or just have a few minutes of blessed relief from the inner critic. I actually sometimes feel a craving for that peace and go with the powerful inner urge to sit, either in simple meditation, usually focusing on safety or JD's meditation, which of course triggers more programs about what a whiner I am or how I need to be earning the right to breathe. It's a wonderful use of right will to just sit down and I do it anyway.

I have ordered the CD with the meditations, but have been working on my own with the induction where you focus on the space around the various body parts – it works so well that it’s hard not to fall asleep! I'm a master of that busyholic thing too, but I have noticed recently that some of that is calming down - so the meditations and therapy seem to be helping. Also on the Iodine protocol and HM chelation, so it may all be coming together - who knows but am so grateful for those calm moments!

One thing that came to my attention when doing the exercises is that issue of unworthiness. I actually heard a voice say "It’s only a problem because you believe it so strongly”. Well, that got my attention so I started exploring those feelings in a kind of meditative state. I came around to the idea that believing that we don’t deserve to be here (to breathe), or that we have no intrinsic worth is actually believing that DCM is somehow capable of making mistakes - that Infinite Awareness wasn’t paying attention and let some useless creatures incarnate. Rather ridiculous if you think about it!! So – base theory then is everything and everyone has some intrinsic worth and value to the universe. The only difference is the degree – which is wholly dependent on what we choose to do with the intelligence and skills we have. And every day we can choose to add to those talents, even if in small ways.

Anyway – hope this makes sense. When I went through that process, something started to shift inside, so I think I might be moving in the right direction, and hopefully my meandering thoughts might prove useful!
 
Yes, I really get the idea about feeling unworthy. It makes complete sense to me. Many years ago I realized intellectually that the biggest lie I was told about myself and life was that it was wrong that I exist. I actually wrote one letter to the birth canal and one of the things I said that it was the height of arrogance to tell me that "God" had made a mistake in creating me, like who was SHE to decide that Creation had made a mistake. Couldn't get it emotionally or at a body level, but it was a start. It's so wonderful to hear someone else expressing congruent thoughts! Thanks so much Aleana.

My therapist said to me in one session that I've always been worthy. It stopped me dead in my tracks because I'd been working to discover a sense of self-worth through all the programs and body fear. It totally shifted my perception. I realized and verbalized that I didn't have to work at creating a sense of self-worth. It had never truly been taken away from me. I "simply" had to feel that foundations that was always underneath me and underneath my life, my existence. I saw a picture of standing on beautiful, solid granite, but buried up to my neck in shite (the lies) so that I couldn't feel it. It's tricky, the "memorized body emotion" as JD calls it - a very useful term, and when I feel the unworthiness, it is my body's memorized state and also the deeply rutted neural pathways. The self-hate grooves run deep, but like you, I am seeing shifts. I KNOW that the amazing neuroplasticity provide the opportunity to build new neural pathways. The value of reading the books on neuroplasticity, psychology do serve very well to help remember at a biological level and a "chemical soup" level what is going on, no matter how real and insurmountable it may feel, we can change with perseverance and the amazing support, gaining and applying knowledge and networking we find here. I've often felt such gratitude that we live in a time when so much knowledge is available to us to work through. Even when I feel defeated, it doesn't last long now, and I remember that I will pass through the feeling of defeat. Now to have the reference points of flashbacks helps make it easier to remember.

It was also an epiphany to see the picture of water with the words "you make me sick" because we constantly heard that growing up and I thought that might explain the non-specific feeling that I could not locate in any particular place in my body, the feeling of "badness" that the water in my cells had memorized. So replacing the water with a structure filled with love and appreciation is very inspiring to me.
 
Bluefyre said:
Yes, I really get the idea about feeling unworthy. It makes complete sense to me. Many years ago I realized intellectually that the biggest lie I was told about myself and life was that it was wrong that I exist. I actually wrote one letter to the birth canal and one of the things I said that it was the height of arrogance to tell me that "God" had made a mistake in creating me, like who was SHE to decide that Creation had made a mistake. Couldn't get it emotionally or at a body level, but it was a start. It's so wonderful to hear someone else expressing congruent thoughts! Thanks so much Aleana.

My therapist said to me in one session that I've always been worthy. It stopped me dead in my tracks because I'd been working to discover a sense of self-worth through all the programs and body fear. It totally shifted my perception. I realized and verbalized that I didn't have to work at creating a sense of self-worth. It had never truly been taken away from me. I "simply" had to feel that foundations that was always underneath me and underneath my life, my existence.

[..]
It was also an epiphany to see the picture of water with the words "you make me sick" because we constantly heard that growing up and I thought that might explain the non-specific feeling that I could not locate in any particular place in my body, the feeling of "badness" that the water in my cells had memorized. So replacing the water with a structure filled with love and appreciation is very inspiring to me.

I am beginning to understand more of why it seems difficult at first, and takes so much time to re-wire those pathways. It’s getting to the feeling state of the new paradigm we are trying to set and being able to hold it long enough for the body to not only memorize it, but to be able to automatically shift to that space when the old programming kicks in. For one thing, I think that kind of feeling state is a bit foreign to many of us, or at least is not a space we visit very often. Hence, getting to it or calling it up may take time and continued practice. But, I think once that new state becomes part of the body’s consciousness, then it will be easier to start moving past the emotions that come from flashbacks and to literally replace them.

Working with water has also inspired me, sending intent through the water we drink serves as a constant reminder to be thankful, to give and feel love. Over the past weeks, it feels like I am becoming more aware of a new consciousness of calm and gratitude for all of the knowledge we have been blessed with as well as a deep appreciation for being given the opportunity to learn even the most difficult lessons.
:flowers:
 
Just saw this thread and wanted to offer you (bluefyre and aleana in particular but anyone else who feels the same way) support and encouragement in what you are doing. I resonate with a lot of the things you describe, and it goes some way to explaining why I have been feeling the way I have been feeling over the past few months in terms of why the emotions have been so 'dark' and depressive.

I haven't lived with such feelings for all of my life, but it seems they were always there in the background, informing my 'philosophy' and influencing my behavior. It seems at some point, if we are to really mature and develop, such feelings have to be 'processed' and, ideally, let go and replaced with something more objective and balanced. Pete Walker's book and website look pretty interesting, so I'll be checking it out.

Thanks
 
Spartan Life Coach aka Richard Grannon has adopted Pete Walkers stance on CPTSD and I attended his 2 day seminar in London last year. You can check out Richards talks on youtube. He has a wealth of info on narcissism and the resulting Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which is outcome of being raised in a narcissistic family. His main strategy is reducing emotional flashbacks and this has been most valuable for myself. I have read many books on the subject including The Narcisstic Family but the real breakthrough came in identifying the emotional flashbacks which I have experienced every day for 53 years. They have much reduced and now I am gaining some traction in my life to move forward.
 
Joe said:
Just saw this thread and wanted to offer you (bluefyre and aleana in particular but anyone else who feels the same way) support and encouragement in what you are doing. I resonate with a lot of the things you describe, and it goes some way to explaining why I have been feeling the way I have been feeling over the past few months in terms of why the emotions have been so 'dark' and depressive.

I haven't lived with such feelings for all of my life, but it seems they were always there in the background, informing my 'philosophy' and influencing my behavior. It seems at some point, if we are to really mature and develop, such feelings have to be 'processed' and, ideally, let go and replaced with something more objective and balanced. Pete Walker's book and website look pretty interesting, so I'll be checking it out.

I have also discovered how much my own life has been influenced by the emotions of fear and anxiety simmering under the surface. Processing those really does take us to some scary places - but I have to say that finally letting them surface, while hellish at times sure beats the feeling of living on top of a volcano. It’s still a ‘work in process’, but every day brings new insights.

One thing I have been thinking about lately is the trade-off between working with these negative states to process them, but not letting ourselves get mired in them. Interestingly, just found some research that shows that focusing on positive memories can be helpful in alleviating depression. (http://www.sott.net/article/316944-Remembering-and-savoring-positive-memories-is-a-practical-and-effective-way-to-lift-your-mood).

I have been thinking that while some of our childhoods were pretty horrible, and we need to recognize the reality of that and grieve – when we are doing this we can forget that among those times we may have also had some good experiences and people who helped us. Anyway, the article made me think that it might be useful to discover some balance in our recollection of events – even if it is just acknowledging that we found ways to come through it, that we have learned much and have grown in ways we may not even comprehend.

Anyway – think I am going to try the suggestion in the article – not to avoid or ignore those feelings and memories, but to find more balance in my perceptions and hopefully to further assist the brain toward focusing on a better future, and leaving the past where it belongs.
 
Tracy Anne, I discovered Pete Walker's work through Richard Gannon. He has a really interesting perspective and I've watched a lot of his videos.

Yes, Aleana, finding the balance between not shutting out the negative emotions and not embracing and/or wallowing in them is interesting. More and more I'm finding as I make a space within myself to feel the fear, grief it's MY choice, and it loses it's power to control me. I'm also doing Joe Dispenza meditations everyday and I am noticing profound differences in my daily waking state. Always I hear in my mind "freeing myself from the chains of the past memorized emotions". I also have been working with the exercises in Suzette Boon's Coping With Trauma-Related Dissociation. I have distinct parts of me that I've talked about briefly in other threads. As I work, they are starting to integrate into a whole, cohesive personality. It helps me when I'm feeling negative emotions to ask which part is feeling it. I know it sounds kind of far out, like I'm schizo or something, but coming to terms with how fragmented my mind was also opens the door for me to rewire. I actually feel rewiring when I'm doing JD's meditations. I have created my life from the past, horrific memories. So far I only have one good, safe memory from my whole childhood, pathetic as that sounds, and it was someone visiting and I was for a short while outside the sphere of influence of the tormentor.

I realize I no longer want to wear the label of CPTSD and I do not want to "cope" with it for the rest of my life. Things are working because I have not had a flashback for TWO WEEK!! That in itself is amazing. The biggest epiphany was realizing that they happen during sleep. I could never figure out why I'd wake up in terror but have no memory of a dream. Knowledge protects and applied into wisdom, empowers.

Thanks Joe for your response as well! ;)
 
Bluefyre said:
Yes, Aleana, finding the balance between not shutting out the negative emotions and not embracing and/or wallowing in them is interesting. More and more I'm finding as I make a space within myself to feel the fear, grief it's MY choice, and it loses it's power to control me.
[..]
I realize I no longer want to wear the label of CPTSD and I do not want to "cope" with it for the rest of my life. Things are working because I have not had a flashback for TWO WEEK!! That in itself is amazing. The biggest epiphany was realizing that they happen during sleep. I could never figure out why I'd wake up in terror but have no memory of a dream. Knowledge protects and applied into wisdom, empowers.

That’s great news, Bluefyre – am so glad that things are working and that you are seeing the power you have to overcome these emotions!! It’s so encouraging to hear that. :clap: :hug2: I have just recently began listening to Dispenza’s meditations as well and it’s helping to stop the automatic negative thoughts by creating more awareness and to stop them in their tracks.

What you said about things happening in sleep is quite interesting, b/c I remember times when I would wake up in near panic with no memory of a dream and no real explanation for the fear. I suppose we just bury things so deeply that only in sleep can the mind let them surface. I would usually just get up and start moving through the day to shake it off, but wonder if doing some journaling even if just to describe the feelings might help to get some insight on the memory and help to process the emotions.

I have created my life from the past, horrific memories. So far I only have one good, safe memory from my whole childhood, pathetic as that sounds, and it was someone visiting and I was for a short while outside the sphere of influence of the tormentor.


One of the things that I’ve noticed is that when I am a negative state, that mindset links to all the previous times when I’ve been in similar frames of mind and seems to create a sense of an unbroken chain of unhappy memories without respite. I think it skews our perception which is why I was thinking about ways to break out of that framework.

But I think an even more useful response would be to think about times and ways you have shown your resilience in the face of tremendous challenges. Because truthfully, just looking at where you are now and what you have overcome is quite a testament to your will and innate strengths; you may not realize the extent to which you have those traits. And recognizing them may be much more empowering than trying to find memories of happy moments, particularly when they were few or practically non-existent!
 
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