Recognizing Wrong Inner talking and using it as an Alarm Clock

[Tempus Fugit]

Been thinking about this for a while and have combed through many threads, yet didn't find one that highlights certain words/phrases that we all seem to share. Sure, there may be some 'easy' ones that can be quickly identified as a negative introject, narcissistic wounding, etc...but what about the not so easily recognized? Thoughts that are so frequent and subtle that they go completely missed and can do much damage, yet once identified stick out like a sore thumb and can really help one see what is going on internally?

There are a few 'simple' words used in internal dialogue which I've found can be useful (if caught) as an alarm clock. Such things can really help keep one from freaking out and see even more how the predator tries to maintain control. There are some threads that discuss alarm clocks, but didn't find any specifically oriented to inner talking, alarm clocks, and sharing findings....I may have missed them, so apologies if this is coming from the Department of Redundancy Department.

To begin, let's take the word 'try'. It's simple, easily overlooked, and sometimes even appropriately used. Yet, when broken down it quite often implies failure. See Yoda.

For example:

Not long ago I was with a friend who was talking to his son. We had picked him up from school and were dropping him off at home before we went out to run some errands. He gave his son a list of chores that could use doing and in parting said "And if you could, try and take a shower as well."

As we drove away I asked him if he was aware that he basically just told his son to NOT take a shower, and bet that when we got back the shower wouldn't have happened.

My friend seemed confused, so I said "Maybe this will help: I want you to try to tie your shoes." He seemed to get the concept and this led to a nice conversation that, as we are both parents, highlighted how sometimes in an effort to 'be cool/nice', we phrase things in a real limp-handshake/I'm your buddy sort of way that pretty much guarantees the suggestion is not going to be done. What my friend really meant was 'Dude....you smell. Take a shower!' But he didn't want to say that as it would sound 'mean'.

This led to more conversation regarding how wrong inner talking leads to wrong outer talking....which leads to programming others to talk wrongly to themselves and others.

I see many work hard here to catch themselves doing this, and see great examples of work to change it - like using 'i' instead of 'I' as a nod to understanding that there is no real 'I'....and also see many of the same folks wind up posting things that basically say "I'm all screwed up! Help!" In most of these cases the wrong inner talking can be seen in the first sentence or two - which makes me wonder; 'who is this 'I' you're speaking of again? You've clearly stated in past posts that you know you're fragmented...so how can you take so seriously what is by your own previous admissions 'not you'?

It gets funny here, because it also seems common that when the self is speaking to the 'self' it will become scolding (narcissistic wounding) - as in "you suck/you're terrible/you should have said/done so and so instead of so and so...etc". To me this is fishy, because really - if I were to talk consciously to myself would I not say 'I' instead of 'you'? Another alarm clock.

Anybody else notice similar thought patterns? The point of this post is that some may find it helpful to further examine and discuss the ways we talk to ourselves, share findings, and continue on the road to wellness.

 

[axj]

I think it is definitely helpful to be aware of one's thought patterns. However, in my experience what helps even more to change and quiet the negative inner talk is 1) changing the underlying negative/limiting beliefs and 2) psychological healing of the emotional trauma.

It seems that the negative inner talk (internal dialogue) is based on negative beliefs and is fueled by the discomfort and pain of emotional charges, wounding, and so on. When you change these underlying causes of the negative inner talk, the internal dialogue will still be there to some degree, but it will be much less negative.

The internal dialogue also encompasses habitual ways of feeling about ourselves - usually these are conditioned feelings of unworthiness, being undeserving, incapable, etc.

Ultimately, both the mental and emotional aspects of the internal dialogue need to become completely free of the self-limiting negativity, such as habitual thoughts and feelings of unworthiness. It is then that we free up the stuck assemblage point, to use Castaneda's terms, and can easily access deeper parts of ourselves, such as the Higher Self.

 

[Tempus Fugit]

I agree and well put, axj

Still wondering, as the reason for this post was:

some may find it helpful to further examine and discuss the ways we talk to ourselves, share findings, and continue on the road to wellness.

Can you possibly elaborate on your own personal experience/self observations? A more 'day to day' example of your own thoughts that you may have found useful in realizing it was merely an 'i', and combined with:

1) changing the underlying negative/limiting beliefs and 2) psychological healing of the emotional trauma.

helped you better see what you were able to say above?

 

[axj]

I'm not exactly sure what you are asking, Tempus Fugit.

One thing that came to me as I read your post is that in all of this, Self-Remembering (being present) is absolutely essential to fuse the magnetic center. When we are Self-present, then it is much easier to see all the programs of the little I's and not to fall into them.

So some of the work is about breaking old patterns by using Will in the now moment. The other part is the emotional and mental housecleaning - all the negative beliefs, emotional charges, and so on.

Also, another way to look at it is that by removing all that is not authentic, the only thing that is left is the true you.

 

[Steve M.]

Think he was asking:

Can you possibly elaborate on your own personal experience/self observations?

In reference to - maybe giving an example of:

"habitual ways of feeling about ourselves - usually these are conditioned feelings of unworthiness, being undeserving, incapable, etc.

Ultimately, both the mental and emotional aspects of the internal dialogue need to become completely free of the self-limiting negativity"

As an example: For me, as I'm learning. My own internal dialog will say, "you really fluffed that up" and 'it' will make me feel guilty. Vs. I really fluffed that up.. which (possibly) isn't 'it' trying to convince me to feel guilt, shame or "feelings of unworthiness." Think he was just asking you to expand on what you're saying, with some simple living example of how it functions(?).

Is that in the ballpark of "A more 'day to day' example of your own thoughts that you may have found useful in realizing it was merely an 'i' [it] Tempus?

 

[RedFox]

As an example: For me, as I'm learning. My own internal dialog will say, "you really fluffed that up" and 'it' will make me feel guilty. Vs. I really fluffed that up.. which (possibly) isn't 'it' trying to convince me to feel guilt, shame or "feelings of unworthiness." Think he was just asking you to expand on what you're saying, with some simple living example of how it functions(?).

The following may not be day to day examples, but they might help expand context. Especially when it comes to this kind of negative thinking.
Dialectic toolset - black vs white and Worry, anxiety and angsting

 

[obyvatel]

[quote author=Tempus Fugit]
To begin, let's take the word 'try'. It's simple, easily overlooked, and sometimes even appropriately used. Yet, when broken down it quite often implies failure. See Yoda.
[/quote]

What has helped me regarding "Yoda's no-try" comment is the effort to understand what is in my control and what is not in my control in different situations. There are things that I can do or not do - and it is useful to discipline myself in those things, including self-talk. Then there are things that do not depend entirely on me - there I can do my part but I cannot guarantee an outcome.

Take thoughts for example. We do not really control the thoughts that "pop" into our heads. So beating ourselves up for having undesirable thoughts is useless since the thought is not in our control. How much energy we put into the thought, how much we indulge the thought however is in our control if we discipline ourselves.

Regarding self-talk, being solution oriented rather than blame-oriented is useful as a general attitude. IMO most of the things we learn about communication in the external world can be directly applied in our inner world as well. The same standards with which we measure wrong outer talking can be applied to inner talking as well. We can be quite vicious and rude in our inner world while maintaining a polite and civilized facade to the outer world. So a good starting question is "can I talk like this to others"?

After some progress is made in identifying some of the "i's" , a useful Work technique is to give them names instead of saying "I" to them.

In my experience, there is a process involved here. First when we are angry and reacting (inwardly through self-talk or outwardly), we are one with the angry self. There is no separation.

Sometimes we may be able to catch ourselves and separate a little bit from the anger by saying "I am angry". Now, there is some "I" who is "angry".

Then at the next stage, we may be able to identify a "i" which is angry. Depending on the situation which aroused the anger, we can give the "i" a name - like Mr Perfectionist or Ms Misunderstood. Here there is more separation from the anger. There is someone inside who is observing Mr P or Ms M being angry. Then Mr P or Ms M can be studied. Like what is their physical posture, emotional tone and general line of thought. What kind of narratives do they construct out of everyday experiences? This is practical self-observation per my understanding.

 

[nicklebleu]

Take thoughts for example. We do not really control the thoughts that "pop" into our heads. So beating ourselves up for having undesirable thoughts is useless since the thought is not in our control. How much energy we put into the thought, how much we indulge the thought however is in our control if we discipline ourselves.

That's a very important point that only recently came to my full awareness.

I have had "undesirable thoughts" popping into my head since I was a child (harming myself or harming others) and I was spending an inordinate amount of time and effort to try to a) find out why I have these thoughts, b) how to get rid of them, and c) how to explain these to myself.

Of course I didn't get very far with a) and b), and c) usually led to the explanation, that I am a morally deficient human being. This again led to feelings of either trying to suppress these feelings (which doesn't work) or just to resign myself to the fact that I was a worthless human being (didn't really help that my mother often told me that one could die next to me and that I wouldn't care at all - which wasn't true, but then sometimes I would wonder if my mother wasn't right after all?).

I occasionally visit a councillor who suggested I read the "Getting over OCD" Workbook by Ambramovich, which I did.

It was quite a revelation. I learned that it's normal to have intrusive thoughts, but then it really depends how you handle them. The normal way would be to acknowledge the feeling as being there but to recognize that it's just that - something that pops up in your brain and goes away again.

But if you start to attribute to them a significance and start mulling over them, they develop a life of their own.

What I found interesting was that I would never have considered myself to be overly OCD, because commonly we associate this with compulsory hand washing for instance.

This insight has taken a huge load off my shoulders and funny enough, these thoughts have almost completely disappeared. Certainly they have lost their existential quality, and if they pop up it's now much easier to just let them drift away without attributing to them a special significance.

Anyway, hope this might be of some help to others.

 

[halogenlight02]

I find it ironic (probably wrong use of the word) that this was the first post I clicked on today - I was thinking about this exact topic yesterday and throughout this week! In fact the self talk involving the word "try" was exactly what I was pondering. Thanks for the post and I will continue to seek other unhelpful, failure based, trigger words and phrases.