Sharing a Thought

[Brenda86]

I think after all this time I am finally going to start a journal because I am noticing certain things I am thinking about will nag me lately until I get it written down - I think this is at least partially because in written form I can flesh out the thought more purposefully and make better sense of what is going through my mind. I just want to share my first entry of sorts. I am not sure yet if I will keep a handwritten journal or do a blog or online journal (I knit/crochet a lot and handwriting uses similar motions that tend to make my wrists hurt :P).

Anyway, I just wanted to share my first entry of sorts... I may revise but it's just something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

3/22/2012

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the person I am now and the person I used to be. I have

changed so much in the past 5 or 6 years. Its happened so slowly with a lot of motivation, reading, and

self-reflection.

But I don't really want to delve into that exactly. The part I really want to discuss, and I think I am

surely not the only person who has or will feel this, is a sense of shame about the person who I used to

be. It's been nagging and gnawing at me for weeks now. When faced with the person I am now compared to

the person I used to be, this glaring contradiction just eats at me. I think momentarily that somehow

despite all my efforts, that this past person is somehow a reflection of the person I am now. That I am

STILL that person somehow because the experiences/memories are part of me. I am thinking that this is

part of the reason so many of us find it so hard to face our past and accept that it is just that (the

past). Because we all at some point are faced with acknowledging the uglier parts of ourselves as we work

to get rid of them. There is a lot of emotion involved in this process.

What finally hit me was that although I used to be that person, that there is no shame in who I used to

be. I have been and am still on a journey. That past me was but one stop along the way and to carry it

with me will only burden me and slow me down. This does not mean that I do not acknowledge who I used to

be, or any wrongs I may have done, or that I blame anyone else for anything that may have happened to me.

Quite the contrary. Whatever positives or negatives I have experienced on this journey have led me to

where I am, but these things must be dealt with and then laid to rest. I see now that there cannot be any

shame in taking this journey that we all take as human beings.

The only shame is in standing still.

 

[bngenoh]

Hi Brenda86,

The urge to write thoughts down has been nibbling at my conscious awareness as well, of and on for a while. It's pretty fun so i have just rolled with it.

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the person I am now and the person I used to be. I have changed so much in the past 5 or 6 years. Its happened so slowly with a lot of motivation, reading, and self-reflection. But I don't really want to delve into that exactly. The part I really want to discuss, and I think I am surely not the only person who has or will feel this, is a sense of shame about the person who I used to be. It's been nagging and gnawing at me for weeks now. When faced with the person I am now compared to the person I used to be, this glaring contradiction just eats at me. I think momentarily that somehow despite all my efforts, that this past person is somehow a reflection of the person I am now. That I am STILL that person somehow because the experiences/memories are part of me. I am thinking that this is part of the reason so many of us find it so hard to face our past and accept that it is just that (the past). Because we all at some point are faced with acknowledging the uglier parts of ourselves as we work to get rid of them. There is a lot of emotion involved in this process.

What finally hit me was that although I used to be that person, that there is no shame in who I used to be. I have been and am still on a journey. That past me was but one stop along the way and to carry it with me will only burden me and slow me down. This does not mean that I do not acknowledge who I used to be, or any wrongs I may have done, or that I blame anyone else for anything that may have happened to me. Quite the contrary. Whatever positives or negatives I have experienced on this journey have led me to where I am, but these things must be dealt with and then laid to rest. I see now that there cannot be any shame in taking this journey that we all take as human beings.

The only shame is in standing still.

Ha, it seems you resolved your own thoughts regarding this matter. "I" would like to add my 2 cents, as i was there a couple of weeks ago, i realized with a crystal clarity, that everything, my entire life up till that point had followed a quite logical sequence, although i do not know the equation that describes it yet. My stupidity, and quite conscienceless acts, all were lessons, they have taught me many things, one of the great ones is the lesson of humility, because we are where we are, and we act from that "point."

So, others act the way they act simply because that is where they are, there is no reason to harbor ill will towards them, anymore than there is a reason to harbor ill will towards a child that wets the bed, for we are where we are, and we act from there.

As you said Brenda86, "there cannot be any shame in taking this journey that we all take as human beings." There is no "time" for regrets, only life to be lived, and lessons to be learned, all the while dancing, marveling and rejoicing, at this grand impossibility that is existence, always aware of the great honor & responsibility bestowed us in being a part of such wonder and majesty.

 

[anart]

To me, it seems that the point regarding ones past, that is very simple and very clear, is that each of us did what we needed to do to survive (be that physically, emotionally or intellectually) with the knowledge we had at the time. Doing so got us here to today. There are many who didn't make it to 'today'.

If we had more knowledge then, many things would have been different, but we didn't. And even our horrible choices and horrible actions ensured that we made it through to today, where we actually have a chance to do something different and something better, not just for ourselves but for others. I also know that I'll look back from the future at my behavior today and wonder how I could have been so dense - at least I hope that will be the case.

 

[loreta]

I think the idea of a diary is very good. It gives you an espace to clarify some things. And looking at these difficult times that are coming, write a diary is maybe very important. Not just for oneself, that's the first reason. But to understand, later, our times.

I am an adept of reading personal diaries of others writers. There is a very interesting organisation, Mass-Observation, that published diaries of normal people, (not writers) that wrote diaries during the WWII, in Britain.- Every person, writing his diary, was doing it for almost 2 reasons: to write emotions and situations that needed to be analysed and expressed and to put on paper a "very special historical moment", and to feel part of it! To be a sort of witness. I am sorry if maybe this is "noise". But the subject of writing a diary is fascinating. I put here the link to Mass-observation if you are interested in the subject. The majority of the diaries are published and very cheap at Amazon.UK, 1 cent each book! And they are very, very good to read. Because reading a diary of others is like to be there, in something that is very human.

http://www.massobs.org.uk/index.htm

I write my diary since longtime. When I read my past diaries, sometimes, I can see some important changes. I write my diary for others reasons too, like try to understand something or just give space to some bad or beautiful emotions. I wish you good luck!

 

[SeekinTruth]

Well said, anart. Sums it up very nicely.

 

[Denis]

I think after all this time I am finally going to start a journal because I am noticing certain things I am thinking about will nag me lately until I get it written down - I think this is at least partially because in written form I can flesh out the thought more purposefully and make better sense of what is going through my mind. I just want to share my first entry of sorts. I am not sure yet if I will keep a handwritten journal or do a blog or online journal (I knit/crochet a lot and handwriting uses similar motions that tend to make my wrists hurt :P).

Anyway, I just wanted to share my first entry of sorts... I may revise but it's just something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

3/22/2012

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the person I am now and the person I used to be. I have

changed so much in the past 5 or 6 years. Its happened so slowly with a lot of motivation, reading, and

self-reflection.

But I don't really want to delve into that exactly. The part I really want to discuss, and I think I am

surely not the only person who has or will feel this, is a sense of shame about the person who I used to

be. It's been nagging and gnawing at me for weeks now. When faced with the person I am now compared to

the person I used to be, this glaring contradiction just eats at me. I think momentarily that somehow

despite all my efforts, that this past person is somehow a reflection of the person I am now. That I am

STILL that person somehow because the experiences/memories are part of me. I am thinking that this is

part of the reason so many of us find it so hard to face our past and accept that it is just that (the

past). Because we all at some point are faced with acknowledging the uglier parts of ourselves as we work

to get rid of them. There is a lot of emotion involved in this process.

Hey Brenda86.

I think it's great to keep a diary for the purpose of self clarity, understanding oneself and organizing one's thoughts. I used to write in a diary (just a regular notebook, since I am old fashioned in a way and I still write with a pencil) almost every day up until recently, and now that I've noticed your thread and read your post, you've reminded me how useful the practice of keeping a diary and writing really is. Thank you for that! ;)

Regarding the uglier parts of ourselves and working to get rid of them, I'm not sure that we can get rid of them just because we're doing the Work on ourselves. Those parts are necessary things for our learning experience. My understanding is that we wouldn't have a reference point if we didn't have those "ugly" parts of ourselves, we could never fathom and discover our true nature (goodness) without having those "bad" parts in us. I think that we can only choose NOT to express these uglier parts in action (envy, jealousy, greed, self importance, narcissism etc.), if we are indeed striving to become STO beings. I guess these ugly parts exist to teach us who we are NOT. That is my current limited understanding, at least. Others can probably explain it better than me. :)

 

[bngenoh]

Regarding the uglier parts of ourselves and working to get rid of them, I'm not sure that we can get rid of them just because we're doing the Work on ourselves. Those parts are necessary things for our learning experience. My understanding is that we wouldn't have a reference point if we didn't have those "ugly" parts of ourselves, we could never fathom and discover our true nature (goodness) without having those "bad" parts in us. I think that we can only choose NOT to express these uglier parts in action (envy, jealousy, greed, self importance, narcissism etc.), if we are indeed striving to become STO beings. I guess these ugly parts exist to teach us who we are NOT. That is my current limited understanding, at least. Others can probably explain it better than me. :)

You have explained it very clearly and concisely Denis, and i totally agree with what you have said. It is a struggle in and of itself not to express those traits we find undesirable in us. But we can also go a step further, and develop by expressing, those traits we find desirable.

 

[Denis]

It is a struggle in and of itself not to express those traits we find undesirable in us. But we can also go a step further, and develop by expressing, those traits we find desirable.

Hi bngenoh. ;)

I completely agree, since what you wrote falls into the category of common sense (very complicated stuff for most people, or so it seems).
As Oma Desala (a wise, non-corporeal being, member of the Ancients- from TV series Stargate SG-1) said in the "Meridian" episode of SG-1 series:

"The success or failure of your deeds, does not add up to the sum of your life. Your spirit cannot be weighed. Judge yourself by the intentions of your actions, and by the strength with which you faced the challenges that have stood in your way. The Universe is vast and we are so small. There is really only one thing we can ever truly control... whether we are good or evil."

In Lak'ech

 

[bngenoh]

I completely agree, since what you wrote falls into the category of common sense (very complicated stuff for most people, or so it seems).

HA, yeah it is just common sense stuff really, i am reminded of a quote:

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them. - Galileo Galilei

As to this:

As Oma Desala (a wise, non-corporeal being, member of the Ancients- from TV series Stargate SG-1) said in the "Meridian" episode of SG-1 series:

"The success or failure of your deeds, does not add up to the sum of your life. Your spirit cannot be weighed. Judge yourself by the intentions of your actions, and by the strength with which you faced the challenges that have stood in your way. The Universe is vast and we are so small. There is really only one thing we can ever truly control... whether we are good or evil."

Judging oneself by the intentions of one's acts, very often, has been used as an excuse for disastrous outcomes. The saying "The road to hell is paved with "good" intentions comes to mind." Not that intentions behind acts are unimportant, they most certainly are, but actions and the results of same, are a much more accurate measure by which to judge anyone, most especially ourselves.

Challenges do not stand in anyone's way, although they may be perceived that way. "I" would change Mrs. Desala's words to:

The "success or failure" of your deeds, does not add up to the sum of your life, the lessons learned during that life do. Judge yourself by the results of your actions, and by the strength of will with which you faced the challenges which were given you. The Universe is vast, and we are small. There is really only one thing we can ever truly control, whether we are good or evil.

SG-1 was awesome btw.

 

[Denis]

I completely agree, since what you wrote falls into the category of common sense (very complicated stuff for most people, or so it seems).

HA, yeah it is just common sense stuff really, i am reminded of a quote:

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them. - Galileo Galilei

As to this:

As Oma Desala (a wise, non-corporeal being, member of the Ancients- from TV series Stargate SG-1) said in the "Meridian" episode of SG-1 series:

"The success or failure of your deeds, does not add up to the sum of your life. Your spirit cannot be weighed. Judge yourself by the intentions of your actions, and by the strength with which you faced the challenges that have stood in your way. The Universe is vast and we are so small. There is really only one thing we can ever truly control... whether we are good or evil."

Judging oneself by the intentions of one's acts, very often, has been used as an excuse for disastrous outcomes. The saying "The road to hell is paved with "good" intentions comes to mind." Not that intentions behind acts are unimportant, they most certainly are, but actions and the results of same, are a much more accurate measure by which to judge anyone, most especially ourselves.

Challenges do not stand in anyone's way, although they may be perceived that way. "I" would change Mrs. Desala's words to:

The "success or failure" of your deeds, does not add up to the sum of your life, the lessons learned during that life do. Judge yourself by the results of your actions, and by the strength of will with which you faced the challenges which were given you. The Universe is vast, and we are small. There is really only one thing we can ever truly control, whether we are good or evil.

SG-1 was awesome btw.

Hey bngenoh.

Yep, challenges do not stand in anyone's way. I think what Oma Desala meant with that statement is that if we don't face our challenges (fears), then we are the only ones standing in our way, blocking ourselves from progressing and learning new lessons.

As for the rest of your post, I agree. Thanks for correcting me on the "good intentions" part, I really didn't took that into account before. I AM here to learn, after all. I am grateful that we complement each other here, this forum is a priceless gem to me.

 

[bngenoh]

Yep, challenges do not stand in anyone's way. I think what Oma Desala meant with that statement is that if we don't face our challenges (fears), then we are the only ones standing in our way, blocking ourselves from progressing and learning new lessons.

As for the rest of your post, I agree. Thanks for correcting me on the "good intentions" part, I really didn't took that into account before. I AM here to learn, after all. I am grateful that we complement each other here, this forum is a priceless gem to me.

You are right Denis, the only one's standing in our way are "ourselves," though it is much more complicated than that, ie there very likely are "others" whose purpose is to prevent any progress whatsoever, but even in that instance, "they" are a challenge, an opportunity to grow, if we see it as such. So yes only we can delay ourselves.

The forum really is a priceless treasure, an invaluable tool, that when utilized correctly allows us to begin to know ourselves, by opening the doors of perception, where we can begin to SEE, and thus CHOOSE consciously what our answer is to the eternal question, to BE or not to be.

 

[Denis]

You are right Denis, the only one's standing in our way are "ourselves," though it is much more complicated than that, ie there very likely are "others" whose purpose is to prevent any progress whatsoever, but even in that instance, "they" are a challenge, an opportunity to grow, if we see it as such. So yes only we can delay ourselves.

I suppose those "others" would be beings who have chosen NOT to be, and because of that they're not interested in progress- their sole purpose is to maintain the status quo, because they fear change and hence they will try to eliminate anyone who dares to challenge this status quo. They feel comfortable with the way things are at the moment and because of their nature, they want to keep things exactly as they are- no, they want even more control to ensure that they stay in power, which means they have to use fear tactics (it is the only modus operandi they are familiar with). Then again, I may be wrong...

The forum really is a priceless treasure, an invaluable tool, that when utilized correctly allows us to begin to know ourselves, by opening the doors of perception, where we can begin to SEE, and thus CHOOSE consciously what our answer is to the eternal question, to BE or not to be.

Yup, you nailed it here magnificently, bngenoh! It is much easier NOT to be, then it is to BE. Why do I say that? Because it takes a lot of courage to face oneself, to acknowledge the lies one is telling oneself (and we mostly lie to ourselves because we crave for attention and society's approval) and to start, slowly but surely, peeling the layers of self-deception that are nested deeply in our minds.

edit: change of mind on the type of smiley used in the post lol

 

[ggen]

I think after all this time I am finally going to start a journal because I am noticing certain things I am thinking about will nag me lately until I get it written down - I think this is at least partially because in written form I can flesh out the thought more purposefully and make better sense of what is going through my mind. I just want to share my first entry of sorts. I am not sure yet if I will keep a handwritten journal or do a blog or online journal (I knit/crochet a lot and handwriting uses similar motions that tend to make my wrists hurt :P).

Anyway, I just wanted to share my first entry of sorts... I may revise but it's just something I've been thinking a lot about lately.

3/22/2012

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about the person I am now and the person I used to be. I have

changed so much in the past 5 or 6 years. Its happened so slowly with a lot of motivation, reading, and

self-reflection.

But I don't really want to delve into that exactly. The part I really want to discuss, and I think I am

surely not the only person who has or will feel this, is a sense of shame about the person who I used to

be. It's been nagging and gnawing at me for weeks now. When faced with the person I am now compared to

the person I used to be, this glaring contradiction just eats at me. I think momentarily that somehow

despite all my efforts, that this past person is somehow a reflection of the person I am now. That I am

STILL that person somehow because the experiences/memories are part of me. I am thinking that this is

part of the reason so many of us find it so hard to face our past and accept that it is just that (the

past). Because we all at some point are faced with acknowledging the uglier parts of ourselves as we work

to get rid of them. There is a lot of emotion involved in this process.

What finally hit me was that although I used to be that person, that there is no shame in who I used to

be. I have been and am still on a journey. That past me was but one stop along the way and to carry it

with me will only burden me and slow me down. This does not mean that I do not acknowledge who I used to

be, or any wrongs I may have done, or that I blame anyone else for anything that may have happened to me.

Quite the contrary. Whatever positives or negatives I have experienced on this journey have led me to

where I am, but these things must be dealt with and then laid to rest. I see now that there cannot be any

shame in taking this journey that we all take as human beings.

The only shame is in standing still.

Hi there Brenda86

I think it wonderful that you've decided to journal your thoughts and feelings. From personal experience, journaling has been quite the 'friend' for me. The process of unraveling, becoming reborn, and beginning to see oneself is quite the undertaking. Journaling is excellent for recording the progress you're making and for having a reference point further down the line.

As for 'looking back' at the old you, I'm sure you're not alone in cringing at certain actions, behaviors, etc. As we are all still human, I'm sure we will continue to have moments where after reflection and observation, we realize we could have acted in a 'better' way. Tis the growing process!!

As you mentioned though, and others have reaffirmed, 'you' wouldn't be where you are today if everything had not happened exactly as it had. NOW you are here. NOW you are becoming. There is something to be said for that. Happy journaling...

 

[KristinLynne]

Brenda 86, thank you for sharing that piece. Writing it all down helps so much and I like how you got to the heart of the problem so smoothly. My favorite was the last sentence: The only shame is in standing still.

To me, it seems that the point regarding ones past, that is very simple and very clear, is that each of us did what we needed to do to survive (be that physically, emotionally or intellectually) with the knowledge we had at the time. Doing so got us here to today. There are many who didn't make it to 'today'.

If we had more knowledge then, many things would have been different, but we didn't. And even our horrible choices and horrible actions ensured that we made it through to today, where we actually have a chance to do something different and something better, not just for ourselves but for others. I also know that I'll look back from the future at my behavior today and wonder how I could have been so dense - at least I hope that will be the case.

This description was spot on and bittersweet at the same time.

Regarding the uglier parts of ourselves and working to get rid of them, I'm not sure that we can get rid of them just because we're doing the Work on ourselves. Those parts are necessary things for our learning experience. My understanding is that we wouldn't have a reference point if we didn't have those "ugly" parts of ourselves, we could never fathom and discover our true nature (goodness) without having those "bad" parts in us. I think that we can only choose NOT to express these uglier parts in action (envy, jealousy, greed, self importance, narcissism etc.), if we are indeed striving to become STO beings. I guess these ugly parts exist to teach us who we are NOT. That is my current limited understanding, at least. Others can probably explain it better than me. :)

You have explained it very clearly and concisely Denis, and i totally agree with what you have said. It is a struggle in and of itself not to express those traits we find undesirable in us. But we can also go a step further, and develop by expressing, those traits we find desirable.

Denis and bngenoh, this too was beautifully put and I have felt emotions like shame and guilt have taught us what not to be which is just as important.

 

[Gary]

Thanks Brenda86 for sharing this, and to all the great advice given. I started a journal almost 10 years ago now, as a means of sharing my innermost feelings during my most vunerable period. Coping with my marital collapse , young family and awakening to alot of new information at the time, my writing was so cathartic. I often go back and cannot sometimes believe where 'I' was a year ago, let alone 5 years ago.

Every experience we have seems to be for a reason. It may takes years, if ever, before we may begin to understand such reasons, but as the C's have said consistently "all is lessons".

A journal can also be a very accurate gauge to our reality at that time. For instance, an experience that I thought of recently that happened years ago, wasn't nearly as profound and life changing as I thought it was. Had I not have checked the original source as it were, I would have a completely unrealistic view of the event, my memory was clouded by - 'wishful thinking' perhaps :)

That is why I place so much importance on researchers like Laura, SOTT etc who do the digging, placing emphasis on the validity of the information.

Sometimes I laugh at my past entries, how I was sure about this or that, really WANTing to prove or disprove something. We dont need to beat ourselves up over anything from the past. In order to choose not to feed my dark side, I have to be aware of it and accept it initially, a journal that honestly reflects out innermost thoughts can offer us a safe environment to 'work' it out.

Incidentally, it was a comment from a life coach Tony Robbins, that prompted me to start writing my journal. He said "If a life is worth living, it is worth recording." I decided when at my lowest point then, the only way was up!