perseusuersusmedusa
The Force is Strong With This One
Because this morning, two weeks later, upon waking up I found the strength and even the need to write what I am about to write, and because a couple of fellow members of this forum encouraged me to do so, I am doing so. Two Sundays ago my favorite person in this world and the following ones went into a coma and at 25 hours she was gone while I was holding her hand. It was the saddest 25 hours of my life until that day, and at the same time I wanted it to never end, for me. I think I have been selfish to want her to always be here with me, even though it had been more than a month that she was not well, and it was becoming more and more evident, even though I did not want to see it, to the point that even I myself, with my infinite but selfish love for her told her to leave when she was ready.
A few weeks ago, casually, I read an old session of the Cassiopeians that struck me like no other: it spoke of this very thing. And I was so moved to read how Laura said goodbye to her mother and talked about what she was saying to her as she was leaving. And it served me so well, and prepared me so much to read what all the participants were saying, including the Cassiopeians, that those 25 sad hours became unforgettable, not only because of how sad but because of how serene they were for me. "Don't be afraid, look at a light that will become stronger and stronger and you will see how from there Tita will come and give you her hand. Go with her, when you are ready, without fear. I will go as soon as I can. And I hope you will be there waiting for me". I think it was Tita who was waiting for her because she was the only person she named even though she could not, or could not remember, to articulate another word. I repeated it to her several times.
Several months ago I started to recover, sort and classify dozens, hundreds of old and more recent family photos and video files. I didn't feel like it at all, but I felt I had to do it. And I spent the whole summer editing a video in which I put all my heart and soul, and it was very, very hard for everything that moved me inside. I had just planned and written to finish it, casually, the day she left this world. I delayed it for a few days because I modified some details due to what happened. Thanks to that other "chance" it turned out that it was a farewell gift that I made, almost without realizing it. Now I could not have done it.
I didn't want to write these lines. I don't think they would interest anyone. I have never liked to air personal topics, and much less so personal and to strangers. But I have thought that we are not so unknown and these are not such personal matters since we all have to leave this world (fortunately) and we all have suffered or will suffer the loss of our loved ones. I am very embarrassed to think that anyone reading this would think that I wish for words of encouragement at this sad time in my life. But I think that, just as that video helped me sort out and heal several family relationships that were pretty bad, writing what I feel now might help me or someone else in a similar situation, in some way.
You see, I have been mentally preparing myself for this moment for at least 5 years. It has been a very long illness, almost 20, and the suffering has probably been much greater during these last years than it is now. But now she is no longer here with me. That's all. I know she's better now. I have to start again. It's part of life. We are here in passing. Everything passes... As a positive thing, in the midst of this sadness I feel, I also feel a lot of peace. For her, for me. We are at the gates of the apocalypse but I feel a lot of peace. Will this be how we feel after what is coming? Thank you very much.
A few weeks ago, casually, I read an old session of the Cassiopeians that struck me like no other: it spoke of this very thing. And I was so moved to read how Laura said goodbye to her mother and talked about what she was saying to her as she was leaving. And it served me so well, and prepared me so much to read what all the participants were saying, including the Cassiopeians, that those 25 sad hours became unforgettable, not only because of how sad but because of how serene they were for me. "Don't be afraid, look at a light that will become stronger and stronger and you will see how from there Tita will come and give you her hand. Go with her, when you are ready, without fear. I will go as soon as I can. And I hope you will be there waiting for me". I think it was Tita who was waiting for her because she was the only person she named even though she could not, or could not remember, to articulate another word. I repeated it to her several times.
Several months ago I started to recover, sort and classify dozens, hundreds of old and more recent family photos and video files. I didn't feel like it at all, but I felt I had to do it. And I spent the whole summer editing a video in which I put all my heart and soul, and it was very, very hard for everything that moved me inside. I had just planned and written to finish it, casually, the day she left this world. I delayed it for a few days because I modified some details due to what happened. Thanks to that other "chance" it turned out that it was a farewell gift that I made, almost without realizing it. Now I could not have done it.
I didn't want to write these lines. I don't think they would interest anyone. I have never liked to air personal topics, and much less so personal and to strangers. But I have thought that we are not so unknown and these are not such personal matters since we all have to leave this world (fortunately) and we all have suffered or will suffer the loss of our loved ones. I am very embarrassed to think that anyone reading this would think that I wish for words of encouragement at this sad time in my life. But I think that, just as that video helped me sort out and heal several family relationships that were pretty bad, writing what I feel now might help me or someone else in a similar situation, in some way.
You see, I have been mentally preparing myself for this moment for at least 5 years. It has been a very long illness, almost 20, and the suffering has probably been much greater during these last years than it is now. But now she is no longer here with me. That's all. I know she's better now. I have to start again. It's part of life. We are here in passing. Everything passes... As a positive thing, in the midst of this sadness I feel, I also feel a lot of peace. For her, for me. We are at the gates of the apocalypse but I feel a lot of peace. Will this be how we feel after what is coming? Thank you very much.
