Some strategies for dealing with psychopaths at work

Mr.Cyan

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Just sharing some experiences i have had with garden variety workplace psychopaths over the last five years. I hope that Forum members can add more experiences to this thread to share.

In a workplace environment, detecting a psychopath is never easy, and can take from months to years to unmask them. Once unmasked, though amazingly destructive predators, if you can understand their pathology, strategies can be employed to protect yourself. The act of unmasking them is a whole topic by itself, but generally, if it can be summarized - it is the small behavioral traits, that if one is observant that will be the giveaway:

1. They are always looking for easy wins, and not willing to work hard.
2. They always latch on to the boss, and fill him/her with stories of their great work/achievements - but in reality these are mostly lies. They do this because they are looking for a quick way to the top, and realize that the power to achieve this comes in planting their virus into their bosses' mind.
3. They love power and control, hence will always look to order subordinates around, no matter how small or trivial the task. Anybody is fair game to them, and if you observe the tone of their emails, it is mostly commanding in nature. There are very rarely nice, or friendly or co-operative emails from psychopaths.
4. As always money=power to them, hence they will look to constantly display either of these to their colleagues. The more psychopathic they are, the flashier they are, and sometimes their choice of clothing and choice of colors for fashion will be so out of place it will be a giveaway.
5. They always appropriate good work from other colleagues, and are quick to take credit for it. Hence they are always on the lookout for good achievements/achievers to "take over" and take credit for.
6. If you get in their way of appropriation or of their goals of money and power, you will be brunt of their attacks and No.1 enemy
7. They only co-operate for gains, never to help any colleague that needs help.
8. They are so suave and glib at meetings, and they will almost "overpower" the observer with their so called charm. But this charm is only a disguise, and upon closer observation you will see that they are looking for the quick gains as described in points 1-7 above.

When they are identified, and if you are the target of a psychopath at work, the most important point, is that you have to work to get these critters out of your personal sphere before they damage/drain your emotions, and subsequently health. At all times it is important to remember, that "battling them" is the last resort and should be avoided; the first strategy should be escape and evasion.

If you have to battle with them, then the first thing to do is to have a strategy for battle. The battle will drain your emotions, and can be very depressing at times; hence having a "battle plan/strategy" is a good first step and guide when the going gets though.

1. As a guide, if the psychopath is your boss - it is best to quit your position and look for another job, as they can wreck untold havoc in your life from that position, and no job is worth this kind of stress. If a psychopath is reporting to you, or "under you" - you should fire them as soon as possible. Although you will have power over them, the time and effort expanded to thwart all their plans and acts of sabotage against your work is not worth it. The "firing option" should always be considered. If a psychopath is your colleague and contemporary at the same management level, then the "battle strategy" or war of attrition is the best option. This is the long game, and the Don Juan way, where you sharpen your skills against petty tyrants, in order to improve your ability to handle the unknown.

2. At all times remember that we are dealing with an intraspecies predator that has no empathy and remorse, and are faking emotions - hence we should never project our benevolent views towards them - this will make it very easy for them to manipulate and use us (us here being non-psychopath, and non-authoritarians). No matter how caring, nice, suave, intelligent they are - it is all a facade, do not be fooled. If it was not for law enforcement and the legal framework, these predators would have long ago physically harmed you to get their way. Hence "show no mercy" in the battle when dealing with them.

3. In a workplace environment, they look to quickly form factions amongst the authoritarians, or gullible colleagues to spread their mind virus. Hence if possible you too, should work to form political connections with like-minded colleagues who are non-psychopathic (i know it is easier said than done) in order that you are not alone. No one can fight battles alone.

4. Once you are in the midst of battle and a target of their attacks, remember to not indulge in their contrived situations, but constantly shift the playing field. For example the use of emails; they will constantly use emails to filibuster issues, lie, command and lay blame to you - you should never ever engage them via email back. They will always have the upper hand in these "email wars" due to their pathology. The best way is to completely ignore their emails, and engage them in different issues and communication modes, where it is not easy to "cc the boss". From experience they get totally infuriated when you ignore their emails, and may commit acts of "shooting themselves in the foot". A great example of ignoring a psychopath question/mode of communication is when you observe Putin having an open press conference. When Western MSM asks him ludicrous questions about Russian troops in Ukraine, he just calmly and suavely ignores them, and instead focuses his replies on the parts of the question that he thinks is important. This is the key point, only engage them on your terms, otherwise ignore them.

5. In the long game, over time, they will learn to ignore you because you are not easy game; of they will increase their attacks to very high levels. This is when things can get very emotional and hair raising. Always keep calm, practice meditation and EE, all the while looking for opportunities or situations which you can use to portray to others in the company/work place the true nature of these critters. As their attacks increase, they will be more irrational, and opportunities will present itself to you, for you to use it back against them. During heightened attacks, sometimes your sleep and health levels will be affected; hence all the diet, health and stress relief discussed here in the forum should be practiced to better manage the situation.

6. If/when the time arrives, where you are winning the battle against these critters, and the psychopath is going to "lose" against you in a situation - they will play normally their final card; the pity card or the "scorched earth policy". In a workplace environment - the pity card will normally be used as a final gambit, to garner sympathy, from subordinates, colleagues or even from you. This is where you have to understand their pathology the most, and you must show no mercy to "vanquish" them.


Well, to me the best leader and guide on how to handle psychopaths on the planet, is currently Putin. Just watching what a great statesman he is, how he strategizes to be always 1 step ahead of the Empire clearly shows he has very good understanding of psychopathy and what he is dealing with. There is still hope for humanity.
 
Mr.Cyan said:
Just sharing some experiences i have had with garden variety workplace psychopaths over the last five years. I hope that Forum members can add more experiences to this thread to share.

[...]

1. As a guide, if the psychopath is your boss - it is best to quit your position and look for another job, as they can wreck untold havoc in your life from that position, and no job is worth this kind of stress.

A few years back, I ended up under a psychopathic (or at the very least, very narcissistic) boss at an academic institution. Thing is...she choose whom she hired for the most part verrrryy carefully - I believe now that she kept an eye out for a certain 'type' who was easier to control. Those who saw through her and were psychologically healthy enough stayed just long enough so their resumes didn't look too weird, then got out.

Those of us (including me) who were dealing with Issues which made us more vulnerable or felt unable to take steps to escape (for whatever reason), saw through her eventually, of course... yet stayed on. (In my case it was partly due to this being my first job in a new profession). Sure, we learned along the way to 'keep our heads down' and have as little to do with her as possible, to avoid her notice if we could (my chosen strategy). Others butted heads with her more often (to their rising stress level, naturally). We would complain and carp and vent volubly about her to each other (checking to make sure she wasn't around, of course). Ironically, despite this poisonous atmosphere, a supportive atmosphere also developed amongst the 'inmates', so to speak. (Ain't nothing like Trauma Bonding to bring a staff together). Those of us still here from the 'bad old days' are still pretty tight.

For yes; there was a Happy Ending. Eventually she did something that the other top admin could no longer ignore, involving an outside contractor; plus, certain actions of hers could have had Legal Repercussions, and she was allowed to 'resign'. We as a staff contributed to her 'downfall' by going to HR one by one and 'testifying' against her once she was sent home 'on leave'. (But it was the total number of us who went up that impressed them.) 'We didn't realize what was going on...' they said. That despite at least two departing staff earlier (high departmental turnover, needless to say) who'd assured us they'd told how it had been under the boss. We found out later, those details were never recorded in the exit interview document.

Needless to say, I no longer trust HR departments. Incompetent, Lazy, or Ponerized? Almost doesn't matter. I don't trust 'em.

So, 'ratting her out' took some courage.... Top admin (and HR) had overlooked her proclivities for so long, that, even as we felt that glimmer of hope, that this time she'd finally gone too far, and that it was time to say what we knew...there was also that Fear that they'd let her get away with it, with some sort of reprimand. And that she would then find out exactly who had gone up to HR.

Man, that was an unnerving couple of days.

But no, we got the word that she was truly out. I swear; it was like that Munchkin song of Joy after the Wicked Witch was found dead when we realized we were finally safe.

If any of you reading this thread feel you've got a pathological boss right now yet are staying - even due to seemingly insurmountable reasons such as 'I can't afford to quit', or 'I just can't deal with the effort it takes to find a new job and get out right now' needless to say, that's a big red flag. At the very least, you're probably too depressed to try to escape.

Hard as it may be... you need to gather your strength and courage to get out... as I think our workplace's 'happy ending' was relatively rare.
 
Thanks for sharing kalibex, i am glad that things went well in your situation - and could sense the relief and joy as well, when the wicked witch was finally banished!

You are right, not all situations with a psychopathic boss end well, hence its definitely the right move to get out, and look for other opportunities. About HR departments, my view is that most of them act as the "law enforcement" of the upper management of a company. They only take orders and implement; hence if the management is ponerised, the HR department will most likely be ponerised too. It is very unlikely an employee will be able to convince a ponerised HR to take any action against a psychopathic boss.

Thanks Palinurus for the link to Michael BC's post - will definitely read the post.
 
Thank you Mr. Cyan for this thread, I think you gave some really valuable advice on how to deal with "psychopaths at work". I think everyone should read Robert Hare's "Snakes in suits", btw, which discusses many strategies on how to spot and deal with a psycho at work.

One thing I would add is that many people will show psychopathic traits at work, even if they are not full-blown psychopaths, but even then, I think we should apply our knowledge about psychopathy. We shouldn't forget that psychopaths come in all shapes and forms and can exhibit all kinds of character traits, which makes it hard to spot them. The key, I think, is to observe deeds, and ignore the words. For example I knew a boss who would constantly play games - praising someone and offering promotions, then let them drop, talking bad about everyone behind everyone's back, yet charm everyone so massively that everybody forgot and listened to his words, promises and narratives (well, not everybody, but enough for him to keep up his games). I think we should try to get away from somebody like this asap, as you said Mr.Cyan, and we should be extremely careful. If these "people" feel threatened and cornered, they oftentimes will all-out attack, and depending on their position and their network, they may succeed in ruining you.

As for E-Mails, I agree that it's really important to watch yourself, especially in a work environment. I had to learn the hard way! It's so easy that it comes to stupid, emotionally charged "E-Mail battles", which can ruin everything and can be used against you. Besides, you should send mails you would be comfortable with the whole company knowing what's in there. These mails do tend to get forwarded forever! So I make it a point to always be polite and a bit more formal than required, even with colleagues/clients I know well, and never give away anything personal or emotional (unless there are special circumstances that require it, but that is extremely rare). If there's a problem, I always call the other person instead of writing E-Mails. I know all this sounds trivial, but these rules kept me out of trouble many times! Not only will you become more of a "grey rock" and uninteresting for psychopaths, you will be more respected in the long run by everyone in the business world. At least that has been my experience.

Thanks again Mr.Cyan, I think the knowledge from your post alone could help many people who have to deal with pathological types at work.
 
Thanks a lot luc for sharing your experience as well, much appreciated.

Robert Hare's Snakes in suits is still on my "to read" list.... I really have to get down to reading it at some point. Your advice on emails in a business/work environment is spot on - every email we write, we definitely have to be formal, polite, with the idea that the whole company will be comfortable with whats in there, as this will be a form of protection against psychopaths.

Reading your post, i was reminded of situations, where "email battles" were forwarded to senior management for action; and almost all of the time, for some reason, the psychopaths that wrote nasty emails were excused, or at least excuses were made for their behaviour along the lines " that person is like that" "his/her character is agressive, we need to advice him/her" etc. However if a non-psychopath was involved, they would receive different treatment - and at times admonishment or warnings from HR. It seems that in a corporate or ponerised environment there is some "law" at work that always benefits psychopathic behaviour....sigh! Just my further observations fwiw
 
Corporations and any hierarchical organization seems to attract psychopaths- it appears to be their natural habitat. The seems to be some innate instinct whereby psychopaths are sensed and their behaviour is condoned, even encouraged, yet normal humans are reacted to differently. I work in a company where the ranks of mid-upper management seems filled with stunning examples of Dunning-Kruger effect. Speaking out and pointing the obvious is like asking for one's head to be chopped off, so I find that it's best to just use external considering and make do the best you can.

There was an interesting post by Minas Tirith on the Grey Rock technique of dealing with narcissists and psychopaths, and I have found that to be the best way of dealing with these creatures. I find it really does does a lot of resources (energy, time, peace of mind etc.) to go head-to-head with a narcisisst, and it's best to choose your battles and which petty tyrants you are prepared to take on. I'll repost the article here:

http://180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/


The Gray Rock Method of Dealing With Psychopaths
Under the Psychopath's Mask of Sanity

When dealing with malignant narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, drama queens, stalkers and other emotional vampires, it's commonly advised that no response is the best response to unwanted attention. This is often true and No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible.

There are some situations however, when No Contact is not feasible, as in when you share child custody with a psychopath. As another example, if you are being stalked by an ex, a restraining order can infuriate the unwanted suitor, and refusing to respond to him or her is seen as an insult. They might become convinced that they can MAKE you respond and in that way satiate their need for power over you.

Furthermore, many of us have tried to end a relationship with a psychopath several times, only to take them back, each time. They turned on the pity ploy and the charm, and because we didn't understand that this is what a psychopath does, we fell for their promises to change. They know all of our emotional hooks. For them, it's easy and fun to lure us back by appealing to our emotions. But a psychopath can't change. In fact, when you leave a psychopath, he becomes determined to punish you even more severely for thinking you could be autonomous.

Even if we don't take them back, the most dangerous time for a person is when they first break up with a psychopath. The psychopath feels rage at being discarded. Losing control or power over a person is not just a narcissistic injury for them; they feel profoundly empty when their partner leaves them - even if they had intended to kill their partner. The reason is because they have lost control. Psychopaths need to feel in control at all times.

For all these situations, we have Gray Rock.

What it is:


So, how do we escape this parasitical leech without triggering his vindictive rage? Gray Rock is primarily a way of encouraging a psychopath, a stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you. It differs from No Contact in that you don't overtly try to avoid contact with these emotional vampires. Instead, you allow contact but only give boring, monotonous responses so that the parasite must go elsewhere for his supply of drama. When contact with you is consistently unsatisfying for the psychopath, his mind is re-trained to expect boredom rather than drama. Psychopaths are addicted to drama and they can't stand to be bored. With time, he will find a new person to provide drama and he will find himself drawn to you less and less often. Eventually, they just slither away to greener pastures. Gray Rock is a way of training the psychopath to view you as an unsatisfying pursuit - you bore him and he can't stand boredom.

What it's for:

Making a psychopath go away of his own volition is one application of Gray Rock. One might say that Gray Rock is a way of breaking up with a psychopath by using the old, "It's not you, it's me." excuse, except that you act it out instead of saying it and the psychopath comes to that conclusion on his own.

Another reason to use Gray Rock is to avoid becoming a target in the first place. If you find yourself in the company of one or more narcissistic personalities - perhaps you work with them or they are members of your family - it's important to avoid triggering their ENVY. By using Gray Rock, you fade into the background. It's possible they won't even remember having met you. If you have already inadvertently attracted their attention and they have already begun to focus in on you, you can still use Gray Rock. Tell them you are boring. Describe a boring life. Talk about the most mundane household chores you accomplished that day - in detail. Some people are naturally lacking in dramatic flair. Find those people and try to hang around them when the psychopath is nearby.

If you must continue a relationship with a psychopath, Gray Rock can serve you as well. Parents sharing joint custody with a psychopathic ex-spouse can use Gray Rock when the ex-spouse tries to trigger their emotions. I acknowledge that any threat to the well-being of our children is overwhelmingly anxiety provoking. Here is where Gray Rock can be applied selectively to draw attention away from what really matters to you. In general, show no emotion to the offending behaviors or words. The psychopath will try different tactics to see which ones get a reaction. With Selective Gray Rock, you choose to respond to the tactic which matters least to you. This will focus the psychopath's attention on that issue. Remember, the psychopath has no values, so he doesn't understand what is valuable to us - unless we show him. Selective Gray Rock shows him a decoy. When protecting our children, we can take a lesson from nature: Bird parents who have fledglings are known to feign a broken wing when a predator is in the vicinity. They fake a vulnerability to detract the cat's attention from their real vulnerability, their babies. In this example, Selective Gray Rock fades all emotions into the background except the ones you want the predator to see.

Why it works:


A psychopath is easily bored. He or she needs constant stimulation to ward off boredom. It isn't the type of boredom that normal people experience; it's more like the French word, ennui, which refers to an oppressive boredom or listlessness. Drama is a psychopath's remedy for boredom. For drama, they need an audience and some players. Once the drama begins, they feel complete and alive again. They are empowered when pulling the strings that elicit our emotions. Any kind of emotions will do, as long as it is a response to their actions.

A psychopath is an addict. He is addicted to power. His power is acquired by gaining access to our emotions. He is keenly aware of this and needs to constantly test to make sure we are still under his control. He needs to know that we are still eager to do his bidding, make him happy and avoid his wrath. He needs to create drama so he can experience the power of manipulating our emotions. As with any addiction, it is exhilarating to the psychopath when he gets his supply of emotional responses. The more times he experiences a reward for his dramatic behavior, the more addicted he becomes. Conversely, when the reward stops coming, he becomes agitated. He experiences oppressive boredom and he will counter it by creating more drama. If we stay the course and show no emotions, the psychopath will eventually decide that his toy is broken. It doesn't squirt emotions when he squeezes it anymore! Most likely, he will slither away to find a new toy.

The Gray Rock technique does come with a caveat: psychopaths are dangerous people, if you are in a relationship with one that has already decided to kill you, it will be difficult to change his mind. He may already be poisoning you or sabotaging your vehicle. Take all necessary precautions. In this case, Gray Rock can only hope to buy time until you can make your escape.

How it works:


Psychopaths are attracted to shiny, pretty things that move fast and to bright lights. These things, signal excitement and relieve the psychopath's ever-present ennui. Your emotional responses are his food of choice, but they aren't the only things he wants.

He envies everything pretty, shiny and sparkly that you have and he wants whatever you value. You must hide anything that he will notice and envy. If you happen to be very good looking, you need to change that during this time. Use makeup to add bags under your eyes. If you aren't married to the psychopath, any money or assets he covets should disappear "in a bad investment decision" (consult with your attorney on this). Your shiny sports car has to go, get a beater. If you have a sparkling reputation, anticipate that he will or has already begun to slander you; therefore, don't allow yourself to be put into any compromising position or pushed into erratic behavior. The reason he wants to take these things from you, is not necessarily because he wants them for himself, it's because he wants to see the emotions on your face when you lose them. He wants the power trip associated with being the one who took them from you. By preemptively removing these things from his vision and not reacting with emotion at the losses, you continue to train him with the idea that you are the most boring person on earth, someone he would never want to be.

Origin of Gray Rock:


In 2009, I left my psychopathic partner after 25 years, but I didn't understand what was wrong with him. I sat in a sushi bar, lost in confusion, when a tall, athletic man introduced himself. To my own surprise, I instinctively poured out my story to him. This complete stranger listened to my story and then he explained to me that I was dealing with a malignant narcissist. He advised me, "Be boring." He told me that his girlfriend would come home each night, begin drinking and become abusive. They were both professionals who traveled in the same professional circles. He knew that she would stalk him if he broke up with her and he didn't want to risk the slander and drama which could leak out and damage his professional reputation.

His solution was to be so boring that she would simply leave him. He declined to go out on evenings and weekends. He showed no emotional reaction about anything, no interest in anything and responded with no drama. When she asked if he wanted to go out for dinner, his reply was, "I don't know." After a few months of no drama, she simply moved out.

Why is it called Gray Rock?

I chose the words Gray Rock because I needed an object for us to channel when we are in an emotionally charged situation. You don't just practice Gray Rock, you BECOME a Gray Rock. There are gray rocks and pebbles everywhere you go, but you never notice them. None of them attract your attention. You don't remember any specific rock you saw today because they blend with the scenery. That is the type of boring that you want to channel when you are dealing with a psychopath. Your boring persona will camouflage you and the psychopath won't even notice you were there. The stranger in the sushi bar showed great insight when he advised me to "be boring." He struck at the heart of the psychopath's motivation: to avoid boredom.

In nature, there are many plants and creatures that show us how to survive in a world of predators. Among others, birds feign injury to protect their babies and mice play dead until the cat loses interest. Both of these tactics can be useful and they can be channeled when applicable. Yet, it's difficult to calculate each and every move that a psychopath will make and to determine the best course of action each time. Instead of trying to out-think him, channel the gray rock. This simple, humble object in nature has all the wisdom it needs to avoid being noticed, it's boring.

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{emphases by M.T.}
 
I had an encounter some years back. I took a job working for this guy and to be honest I had my doubts initially but I needed to get back into a well paying role so I quashed the suspicions and took the role.

At first, everything was fine, certainly in the way he dealt with me. I did witness a few encounters where he verbally abused some of the women in the company, vicious it was and hard to deal with.

I was hired as the company had decided that to grow they needed to develop a network of partners, so I was brought on the be the partner manager for A/NZ. What I didn't know was that under my boss, the sales team had a history of burning partners, of taking sales direct and of generally despising partners. HQ decided the culture had to change so my boss was instructed to hire a partner manager. So he hired me. I told him at the start it would take 12-18 months to build a decent network and a reasonable forecast, but the pressure came on after 5 months. To compound the issue, there was one partner the company had really burned badly who they found they really needed to do big business with Telstra, so this was added to the role - fix the relationship and fast. To do that I had to become the partner's advocate inside the company, something my boss hated.

The situation deteriorated fast when the Worldwide Partner manager came to visit, and told me I reported directly to her and only via dotted line to my boss. I (foolishly) asked her to tell that to my boss. He took that REALLY badly and immediately went on the attack. Verbally, by email in front of my other team mates, he took me to task about anything and everything. I responded by replying to his emails and copying everybody he had copied, pointing out the errors and lies he was telling about me. I felt I had to defend myself and tell the truth. After an intense few days of this, I was summarily fired. I believe he fired me because I was not prepared to let him spread his lies and because in so doing I made him look bad. Anyway, that was the shortest job I had in my career, lasting a mere 5 months.

I did find it fascinating to hear that about 12 months later he had a cerebral haemmorage which nearly killed him.

What did I learn during this process?
1. Don't ignore the warning signs when taking a new job.
2. Don't needlessly antagonise the beast - in getting the worldwide partner to tell him I reported to her I needlessly antagonised him
3. Stand up and fight for the truth - it ended up getting me out of an intolerable situation.
 
Thank you for this thread! I'm currently in the 'war of attrition/ignore & avoid part of the battle. I very much agree that the ponerized colleague will, on seeing they're not getting very far with their tormenting, up their game big time.

I noticed my petite tyranos: mirrors colleagues - ALWAYS. Never talks about anything personal, emotional or imaginative BUT will fake it till the cows come home if they have gullible pray; such as talking about their kids... mine also tends to not have much stamina; he can't hold his character for much more than an hour before his tone is becoming tired and commanding and his mask begins to slip.

One tactic he used against me is: mirroring. So when in situations he would get into my (averting) line of sight and begin performing. Also, mimicking me, because i try to be sociable and helpful, is like a going on a training course on manipulation for them. It IS noticeable that they can't keep it going for too long because it isn't genuine.

Thanks for sharing your experiences! Personally i think i've surmounted the depression phase and am still deliberating whether the absent management will notice OR i leave. I think when you have ignorant management you're kinda stuck because they function as the arbiter of justice in your situation

Oh, and most of my interactions with HR have come across as ponerized - a friend of mine enjoyed playing the role....

(More to say but on my phone so another time)

Edit: grammar
 
Added: Be careful what you say around them, i noticed mine will: strike when i am obviously sick and seems to listen intently when i'm discussing my personal life.
 
On emails, I had a boss some years ago who liked to play games. He would set out projects and deadlines verbally and then a week or so later change his mind and assume you knew he had - the new deadline (that was just in his head) would role around with a "Why isn't it finished? It needs to be done today".
So I learned that after conversation where deadlines or other details where discussed to email him after the conversation.
Dear Boss
Following our conversation today I'd like to confirm the project needs to be completed by {date}

So sometimes emails can be useful as a tool to backup someone who 'changes the goals' constantly.
Incidentally he'd never reply to these, but did stop that game.
 
RedFox said:
So sometimes emails can be useful as a tool to backup someone who 'changes the goals' constantly.
Incidentally he'd never reply to these, but did stop that game.

Great tip; always pays to have a 'paper trail' as proof.
 
Arwenn said:
There was an interesting post by Minas Tirith on the Grey Rock technique of dealing with narcissists and psychopaths, and I have found that to be the best way of dealing with these creatures. I find it really does does a lot of resources (energy, time, peace of mind etc.) to go head-to-head with a narcisisst, and it's best to choose your battles and which petty tyrants you are prepared to take on.

Thanks Arwenn for the post, fully agree - we definitely have to choose our battles with the petty tyrants we are willing to take on; otherwise its best to stay well clear of them and the Grey Rock technique posted by M.T. is good way of dealing with them - they truly are connoisseurs of drama and chaos, and the less interesting & emotional we are, the better.
 
kalibex said:
RedFox said:
So sometimes emails can be useful as a tool to backup someone who 'changes the goals' constantly.
Incidentally he'd never reply to these, but did stop that game.

Great tip; always pays to have a 'paper trail' as proof.

I agree. My rule of thump is to have important stuff documented by E-Mail (such as deadlines, expectations/requirements etc.) while avoiding anything emotional or problem-solving via email. For that, I call people, and sometimes it's interesting how people can write silly hate-mails, and then be all nice on the phone and the problem vanishes. I learned that if I reply and defend myself via email in these cases, matters almost always spin out of control. There are exceptions of course, for example if you're dealing with a real petty tyrant that you can not talk to and he/she uses mass-email-frenzies to discredit you; then sometimes it can be important to defend yourself - better using a very formal tone, not getting defensive and sticking strictly to facts that you can absolutely prove, which gets us back to rule 1: always get stuff documented...
 
luc said:
kalibex said:
RedFox said:
So sometimes emails can be useful as a tool to backup someone who 'changes the goals' constantly.
Incidentally he'd never reply to these, but did stop that game.

Great tip; always pays to have a 'paper trail' as proof.

I agree. My rule of thump is to have important stuff documented by E-Mail (such as deadlines, expectations/requirements etc.) while avoiding anything emotional or problem-solving via email. For that, I call people, and sometimes it's interesting how people can write silly hate-mails, and then be all nice on the phone and the problem vanishes. I learned that if I reply and defend myself via email in these cases, matters almost always spin out of control. There are exceptions of course, for example if you're dealing with a real petty tyrant that you can not talk to and he/she uses mass-email-frenzies to discredit you; then sometimes it can be important to defend yourself - better using a very formal tone, not getting defensive and sticking strictly to facts that you can absolutely prove, which gets us back to rule 1: always get stuff documented...
Couldn't agree more, put in writing so the facts are down for all to see if needed. Do not get involved in emotional responses etc this often leads to silly response that will waste time. I find that even reading these tit for tat emotional email battles draining at times such a waste of energy though can be insightful regarding the individuals involved.
Flashgordonv said:
2. Don't needlessly antagonise the beast -
Wise words indeed making this mistake made my life almost unbearable many years ago but it was one of the greatest lessons I ever learnt.
 
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