stuck between two worlds

[celtic]

I find myself stuck between two worlds modern day culture and spiritual enlightenment for some reason I find myself wanting to be more associated with everyone else. I never really was an outgoing person still isn't but as I am getting older it seems that I want to explore more of whats going on culturally. But I know in my being this is wrong I can't focus on unhealthy time consuming activities like everyone else just for the simple experience of it.

but I am lonely and I want people to know me and accept me and interact with me truthfully. Because a lot of people I know who I interact with I find myself constantly hiding who I am except on facebook but know one pays to much attention to me there except you all. I know I got people on the forum who I can be more of myself and think freely but I want physical contact. I know this is selfish but I am such a lonely soul I never did anything everyone else did and I stay more in the shadow because people can't accept me. I always had a sheltered life and I always was the quite one still am I am 18 still always in the house by myself never had any real freinds only had one and I can't even be myself around him I never even talk to him.

So because of this I want to do things that others around me would do which you know everyone would consider normal except eating the wrong things. I want to be more like others but still do whats right and being on a good path but I guess I still have that really selfish side of my being and the doing whats right side of me. Its not so much that I wan't attention which at this point you all thinking is the case and probably is which is a big problem I just am sick of being lonely and by myself stuck in a cold house everyday. I wan't freinds a girlfreind go to party's and be intimate with someone and what not but I know this is not what I should be doing I should not even be focusing on these things but I am and I can't help it.

With this comes desiring & experience like I never had sex but the people I am around and my family always has it and encourages me to be sexually active or have a lot of girls. I don't want to be sexually active and have a lot of women but I do wan't the experience and do It one day or soon I am ashamed of this but it is how I am feeling. It is more so whats around me that is influencing me this way family the environment the media but I know this is not an excuss. I try to continue with the eiriu eolas but that only helps with my emotions for a little while and I think because I am unable to control my diet because I stay with my mother and she buys the food.

I am always thinking about sex and it is just driving me insane I can't get it out of my mind it is hard for me to do what is right but seeing so many of the people I know be so interesting in it I can't help but to think what its like. I been to a clube where everything everyone did was just sexually graphic as I was just thinking how gross it was what was even more gross I like it in a sense. It makes me depress because I can't stay on the right path I maybe on it for a minute but like the edenic state we fell from it seems like I do the samething over and over.

Sorry for the part regarding sex I couldn't find no other way in explaining it without being a little graphic would not have added that part if I did not think it was a big problem. Please if you have any advice I would really appreciate it so I can better conduct myself as I should.

 

[T.C.]

I want to explore more of whats going on culturally. But I know in my being this is wrong. I can't focus on unhealthy time consuming activities like everyone else just for the simple experience of it.

You say you know this is wrong, but you can't know if you've never tried it. Other people who are engaged in everyday activities aren't doing it for the simple experience of it. They're doing it because the don't know any other way to be. So for you to get out and have some experiences may not be a bad idea.

but I am lonely and I want people to know me and accept me and interact with me truthfully.

Sorry, but this is not going to happen. No one in everyday life is going to know you or accept you or interact with you truthfully. Spend more time in a world of ignorance and lies and you'll have interactions based on that, or interact more with the people here, through networking and projects, and have interactions based in truth and understanding.

Sorry for the part regarding sex I couldn't find no other way in explaining it without being a little graphic would not have added that part if I did not think it was a big problem.

It's not a big problem. It's normal. You don't have to feel guilty about it. It's not your fault you have these feelings. But remember, "if you play in the dirt, you're going to get dirty". If you want a girlfriend to spend time with and be intimate with then you'll have to accept that it will be based on feeding.

No one is asking you to live the life of a monk. You can go out more and have more interactions with people and find a balance between being a hermit and being a party animal.

Local clubs are great places to interact with people, try something new and even make friends. Depending on your interests, there's the martial arts, drawing and painting, sports, music. Sports Centres and Colleges and Universities are good places to find activities to get you out of the house.

 

[agni]

I want to explore more of whats going on culturally. But I know in my being this is wrong. I can't focus on unhealthy time consuming activities like everyone else just for the simple experience of it.

You say you know this is wrong, but you can't know if you've never tried it. Other people who are engaged in everyday activities aren't doing it for the simple experience of it. They're doing it because the don't know any other way to be. So for you to get out and have some experiences may not be a bad idea.

One doesn't necessarily have to kill or steal to know it's wrong (intended dramatization). On other though, everything depends on situation.

 

[Atreides]

I find myself stuck between two worlds modern day culture and spiritual enlightenment for some reason I find myself wanting to be more associated with everyone else.

...

But I know in my being this is wrong I can't focus on unhealthy time consuming activities like everyone else just for the simple experience of it.

Well this is just my opinion, but here is where you might be going off track. The Work isn't about withdrawing from society, it's about learning to consciously live in society, to be a good obyvatel. Now, that doesn't mean you should participate in society the way most people do, mechanically, with affectation or sentimentality. I am not suggesting you go on a pub crawl, or anything. Naturally, when you are making a conscious effort, you will be able to choose what you really want to participate in, but it's not a the forum or the world, it's not the Work or society. You aren't supposed to become a hermit, or a recluse.

There's nothing wrong with hanging out with friends, going to a blockbuster hollywood movie, or discussing the merits of Emo music, being able to do that, and be conscious of who you are, what you want to achieve, and most importantly who the other people are, and what they want to achieve is a great practice, and an essential part of the Work.

Withdrawing from society is not the right way. Going out into the world, and try to help, in a Work sense of the world is what it is all about. Of course, with your new understandings of the world and people, you'll want to avoid predators, and psychopaths, or situations that you know will hurt you or others, but that's not withdrawing, that's being responsible.

Just my two cents.

 

[StrangeCaptain]

Thanks, Atreides, for that eloquent and concise description. It seems like there is some balance between getting out there and understanding what level of interaction is good for them and good for you and not losing yourself in it all.

I was socializing quite a bit for a while, partly because I had never really done that and partially for finding work. Then I found the work and kept socializing and at some point found myself not being confortable being alone, a skill I had few years back. I am sort of enjoying spending time with myself these days knowing I can small talk enough with the folk out there so as not to put them off.

Then there is different levels: social, professional interaction, etc. This whole life as a school thing... If one takes it seriously, boredom won't ever be a problem again.

 

[truth seeker]

Thanks, Atreides, for that eloquent and concise description. It seems like there is some balance between getting out there and understanding what level of interaction is good for them and good for you and not losing yourself in it all.

I was socializing quite a bit for a while, partly because I had never really done that and partially for finding work. Then I found the work and kept socializing and at some point found myself not being confortable being alone, a skill I had few years back. I am sort of enjoying spending time with myself these days knowing I can small talk enough with the folk out there so as not to put them off.

Then there is different levels: social, professional interaction, etc. This whole life as a school thing... If one takes it seriously, boredom won't ever be a problem again.

Absolutely! I think it's important to be able to speak to all types of people. What better way to reach them in times of need than to be able to speak their language? Just don't get lost. ;)

 

[celtic]

Thank you all for the response I totally understand I just want to say that in know way am I trying to dissociate myself from society. I was referring to bad habits but which I mistakenly associated with society or I just completely mistaken bad habits altogether. I am trying to hard to catch up with you all and I misinterpreting things maybe I should slow down and read more post before I post.

I like going out being active and do other society activities but I know it is all about the understanding the right level of action you want to have in society thanks patience. I can really get things confusing and my post was really not about choosing the forum or society I made a mistake I know very well that it is not society I am against the part that's not ignorant of course.

rereading my whole post it seems to not make since I have mix emotions I am sorry but nothing further have to be said on this if you all like you can still comment if you like sorry.

 

[truth seeker]

There's nothing to be sorry about celtic! :) I'm glad you brought it up because it's a good reminder.

It can be a difficult decision as there comes a point where it becomes impossible to sit on two stools. Perhaps you're not there yet? Don't beat up on yourself. I think it must be difficult for those who come the the work while still relatively young as they may feel as they've missed out on "life". It really comes down to each person. Sometimes people make the decision to take a break for a while and then pick it back up. That doesn't make you a bad person, just human. It also just makes you human if you find that you've made a mistake. Just pick yourself back up again. Life is a constant series of beginnings. Eventually everyone finds what fits for them. :)