The Babylon Bee

SummerLite

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
This site is similar to The Onion. I love to laugh at good, political satire. We certainly need someone making fun of all the craziness going on. A few goodies:

Nike Releases Bernie Sanders Signature Shoe That Helps You Survive Under Socialism
BEAVERTON, OR—Nike has released a new patriotic shoe just in time for the Fourth of July: the Sanders Air Marx, the official, signature shoe of Senator Bernie Sanders.
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Every pair of Air Marx is emblazoned with Sanders' signature and iconic "crazy old man" silhouette. The shoes pack in all kinds of useful features for people living in a socialist regime, including the following:

  • New ActiveShrink technology helps the shoe shrink right along with you as you wither away from starvation
  • Breadline Padding Plus helps you stand in breadlines for hours hoping the government is generous enough to give you some food
  • A Venezuelan flag, or optional Soviet Russian flag, to show your true patriotism
  • A patented air pump that helps you pump up your wheelbarrow tire as you slave away farming food for the government to redistribute
  • Comfy and aerodynamic design that helps you chase zoo animals more effectively
  • The shoes are completely edible and can be boiled into soup or gruel in a pinch
The shoes are not available for purchase but will be given from Nike according to their ability to each customer according to their needs.
 

SummerLite

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Major Cave-In As Democratic Candidates Rush To Far Left Side Of Debate Stage

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MIAMI, FL—A major cave-in occurred after all Democratic candidates scrambled to the far left side of the debate stage Thursday evening.
As the debate kicked off, Bernie Sanders immediately ran to the left. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden vaulted over him, demanding to be the one standing farthest to the left. Buttigieg yelled, "Hey, straight dudes! Watch this!" and leaped over both of them in a fabulous cartwheel, landing perfectly right near the edge of stage left. He was given a "10" by the judges.

Kamala Harris called in a SWAT team to shoot at and arrest the other candidates while she rushed to the left side as well, though she was angry to discover this was illegal. Eric Swalwell went a step further and tried to call in a nuclear strike so he could dive as far left as possible while the others would be forced to take cover, but luckily his staffers had just given him a kids' Spy Gear walkie-talkie and told him it was a nuke button.

As these candidates and the 495 other ones you've never heard of rushed to the left, a creaking sound was heard. Finally, the stage gave way, tilted far to the left, and collapsed, "just like the Titanic going down in the icy waters of the Atlantic."

Andrew Yang was confused as to what the other candidates were doing and just stood in the middle smiling and holding up a $1,000 bill. He was catapulted through the roof as the stage flipped over.
 

SummerLite

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Ocasio-Cortez Gets Head Stuck In Bucket, Journalists Rush To Explain Why It Was Actually A Genius Move

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—On Wednesday, New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez somehow got her head stuck inside a bucket. She was heard yelling, “Who turned out the lights?” while repeatedly running full speed into walls. Republicans immediately pounced, using this as proof that Ocasio-Cortez is “kind of a dummy.” Many journalists, on the other hand, leaped to Ocasio-Cortez’s defense, saying her getting her head firmly wedged inside of a plastic bucket was further proof of her being an intelligent and dynamic politician.

“Most people don’t have her scientific curiosity and intelligence,” said MSNBC pundit Chris Hayes. “Someone incurious like Trump would never look at a bucket and ask ‘Could my head fit inside that?’ But Ocasio-Cortez dives into such questions head first.”

“She is making a bold statement,” said CNN’s Chris Cuomo. “The bucket on her head is from Walmart, and she is saying loud and clear that corporations have blinded us all.”

Many activists also defended Ocasio-Cortez on Twitter, though they seemed confused about exactly how to defend her, some talking about how buckets are important to society and others calling for the destruction of all buckets.

As for Ocasio-Cortez, she is doubling down and refusing to apologize, even though the incident caused a huge delay for the Capitol janitorial staff.
 

SummerLite

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Recently Liz Warren stated falsely she lost her teaching job due to being pregnant. The Bee responds.

Elizabeth Warren Recalls How She Lost Her Teaching Job When Her Fake Mustache Fell Off Revealing She's A Woman
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U.S.—As part of her campaign, Elizabeth Warren has begun sharing stories illustrating the hardship and discrimination she’s faced. Recently, she revealed a particularly tough time back in the early '70s when she lost a teaching job because her fake mustache had fallen off, revealing she was, in fact, a woman. Warren declared it a pivotal incident that shaped much of her life.

“It was tough for a woman back then,” Warren said at a campaign stop. “You had to wear fake facial hair and talk in a deep voice, or people would fire you.” Warren then detailed an incident from back when she was 22 years old and holding a teaching position. Somehow the spirit gum wore off, and her mustache fell off in the middle of a meeting. She was met with cries of “That’s a woman!” before being chased out of the building followed by shouts of “Jobs are for men!”

Some right-wing news outlets have disputed the story, citing a 2007 interview in which Warren talked about losing the job. In it, she mentions problems with a teaching certificate but nothing about fake facial hair. Still, others have backed up Warren, saying it was very common for women to lose jobs in the '70s when a fake mustache or beard or other disguise failed, revealing the employee’s actual gender.

Warren says things have improved for women since, but they could still be better. To help the situation, she announced a plan to fund R&D for an adhesive that will easily keep mustaches in place all day.
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More coverage on Warren's campaign. Flip flopping again!

In Response To Question About Raising Taxes, Elizabeth Warren Comes Out As A Gay Man

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WESTERVILLE, OH—After presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren was pressed on her plan to raise taxes on the middle class, Warren boldly answered the question by coming out as a gay man.
"I'm glad you asked," she said. "Actually, this question has encouraged me to address some other things about my life, and I'm now ready to come clean: I have loved and had romantic encounters with men throughout my life, and I choose now to live as a gay man."

Warren gestured to her opponent Pete Buttigieg and nodded. "Just like this man here, I am gay."

The audience stood and applauded her bravery. Not wanting to be outdone, Buttigieg quickly came out as a double-gay lesbian trapped in a man's body.
 

SummerLite

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
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