the return of feeling ...

highmystica

Jedi Master
I'm not sure where to post this, but I guess in most ways this is the most appropriate place ...

I just had a very unusual experience, I just cried, which at this point is a good thing ... maybe I should take a step back ...

After my last ex and I fell apart - I was simply put hysterical - only once before had I felt that kind of turmoil, but it was very different - the first time I felt it was when I lost my high-school romance and fiancee to a psychopath - this more recent time was because of slowly confronting each and every lie my most recent ex - well, she lied to me more than I thought was humanly possible, and well both points in my life aren't easy to explain or describe - I still have too many thoughts and it is still very unorganized in my head ... needless to say, being so manipulated in the land of romance certainly without a doubt, has affected me. Now, without going into all the details of what happened with my more recent ex I laughed and cried in random hysterical fits until I couldn't laugh or cry anymore. Ironically my dad's sudden rebirth of wit finally gave me a laugh (the first laugh I had in over a year) I had been feeling simply numb. Like my emotional spectrum was cut in half on both sides, and also leaving me numb in the middle. Well I can see why what my dad said was funny. But today I finally cried. I have never had as much trouble crying until today ... well, that is only partially true - I had been so sad for like a half year after the events ended with my ex that I was terrified in my inability to cry - I always found such strength and truth in crying, I guess that paradox of crying over someone elses lies messed with me somehow. Anyway, what made my tears this night so difficult (aside from my inability to cry for so long) was simply that it made no sence. So anyway I wandered down to the mailbox half an hour ago and after I got back to my house and saw what I recieved in the mail did I start feeling off. Nevermind the bills and what not, there was this envelope I got from the PVA (paralyzed veterens of america) it was a calender - no biggie, but there was a picture on the outside of a baby kitten and a puppy on a log with greenery in the backround - perhaps this sounds stupid but it made me cry and it has taken all my ability to not fall into absolute ... er, well I'm crying now, but it's like this dam is breaking, but for the life of me I don't get it - why? I've always found strength in my ability to release my feelings so, but I always knew why I felt the way I did at any given time, and for a long time I missed my own laughter as well as my tears ... it just makes no sence though - it isn't even a good picture, nor is it moving, but for some reason it has reduced me to a point that is simply irrational - for so long I was hollow inside and I knew it, I spent what time was alotted to me to ya know fix things and life for once has been helpfull in all ways and perhaps this too goes with that - I did so miss the full range of emotion I once had, but ... well. Why should I cry finally for the first time in over a year because of an randomly seen picture of a kitten and a puppy - sheesh - it sounds so stupid to me and it makes no sence. I ask those of you who finally got your feelings back after dealing with a psychopath to offer any insight as to why this might be ...
 

Cyre2067

The Living Force
i've always been rather instant with my emotions. Stimulus -> reaction, quite quickly. Though to me it sounds like you buried some feelings and now they're bubbling up. A good thing.
 

highmystica

Jedi Master
yeah - I've used to be quick to cry - I always felt it was more of a weakness to hold such in ... but what a stupid thing to make me finally cry ...
 
M

monika

Guest
Hello, my name is Monika, and I just joined in (brand new on the site, firs posting) --

good to read from you -- I'm in a similar situation right now i.e. my feelings, emotions, stomach aches etc. seem to overflow me (due to a "romantic involvement") -- I'm not sure what to do with it rather than to observe it as a temporary wave that had come and will pass. In my past I have been controlling and demanding over my partners -- and right now I'm looking at some predominate mind monologues that are part of mind mechanism i.e. "It's mine" "I want it now" and "I'm not sharing." The sensation while going through these monologues is of pain, suffering and severe stomach ache -- almost as if something were to chew on my belly.

To say that I'm powerless in the face of my "monologue" is false. To say that I'm "victorious" over it -- is false as well. Oh, boy, I guess I'm HOPING for relief while writing to you...

that's part of the same monologue, isn't it?
 

highmystica

Jedi Master
hi monika - not sure what your post has to do with recovering from being involved with a psychopathic partner - I've been lonely for my feelings - like a long lost friend, or rather the other half of my heart. As an aside my mom calls that type of inner monologue the "b- on the brain", b- being a not so nice word for women - I love my mom for coming up with sayings like that.

Anyway yesterday, I had another odd thing - I had what could only be described as an anxiety attack while washing my car. Okay - odd, I'm not prone to fear or anxiety in general and what should make me feel that way while washing my car - it's hardly a stressfull experience and considering my life is in a much better place I don't know of anything that should be causing stress even on the level of the sub-con. Today however I found I could dance again. To me that is beyond words, dancing to me is one of the best things about being human - just letting go and becoming pure feeling - it has always been the best form of meditation for me but I couldn't do it (well, not by my standards at least). Finally, for the first time in ages I got my heart back - now I just gotta go meet one of those sto orion cats incarnate as a human and really learn to dance.

I now see those strange emotions I was having (and there was more to it than I posted) as a sort of precursor to being able and secure enough to really put my feelings back into life, and the feelings though illogical were just my being remembering how to feel.
 
M

monika

Guest
Hmmm... I admit I missed your request for shares (about psychopathic ex's), but what caught my attention was the overwhelming emotional flow. It just happened that while reading your note I was experiencing similar flow, therefore thought it appropriate to share with you. Also, almost immediately after I wrote you, the pain has subsided and I entered the space of freedom again.

I am very happy you found your joy today -- sometimes having plain, simple fun (like dancing with "STO Orion cats incarnate as human") is all that is needed to lift the heavy emotion.... I know, I know, easy said.

Well... how can we turn "feeling attack" into a fun game? What'ya think? I'd rather step off being in pain so much and often.
 

highmystica

Jedi Master
Actually I was dancing by myself - the thing about the sto orions in in referance to something the c's said - I don't know any, and if I do I don't know it. From what you posted I think that your feeling attacks are of a very different nature than what I have been feeling. I have always loved my capacity to feel emotion, even negative ones -> the only emotions that have bothered me are jealousy and anger, and even anger just shows me what I need to walk away from. Jealousy on the other hand I don't know what to make of - only two people put when in a position where I felt it sooo - I can't really say anything about it. Sorrow and depression I have found to be usefull though to no end, not only as fuel, but more importantly giving me an impetus for change. You are quite correct in saying I found my "Joy" today, but to me joy is closer to peace and inner harmony than happiness - I find joy in sorrow as much as happiness ... but when I dance I become that joy - I can express everything that I have ever felt in motion, in a way that goes beyond words - it has always been one of two things that make me fully comfortable and complete ... it's like I am fully myself, without all the garbage in my head.
I don't know what to say about your feeling attacks - do you know how long it has been for me to know the simple peace of being able to cry or to laugh? I have no idea why these abilities came back to me, but I'm thankfull - finally I can really feel. As it is, I have no way to address the problems you *seem* to be having - for me I can barely describe in words what has been going on in my heart - I only have the partial knowledge gained from my experience, but I have yet to develop any wisdom or understanding regarding it. I could describe the "what" I did to recover my heart and peace, but there are others around that could explain "why" what I did worked whereas I can't. Good luck to you!
 
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