When parents interfere with ya life ?

E

eightyfour

Padawan Learner
I'm car person and i do all my own maintenance, repairs, source parts etc. Anyway my dad has got me a parts car that i didn't ask for and i said i didn't want it because it wastes time going to get it. He got it anyway. So i told him that if it turns up here i'll burn it (it realy pisses me off that much). Am i unreasonable or would it be that i feel my independence is being taken away because i can sort that stuff my self as needed ? I probably should add that i have had the same vehicle for 20 odd years (i might want to get something else by now) and i'm not young. Defiantly not a teenager it probably would have been good back then to get a parts car or something to fix up. Is this a case of a devouring parent or a lonely aging parent ? I still don't think its right ether way.
 
eightyfour said:
Is this a case of a devouring parent or a lonely aging parent ? I still don't think its right ether way.
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Hi eightyfour, Could you give us more information about (the relationship with) your father? Do you have siblings? If you give us more background information it will be easier for us to respond. That said, why would you say to an aging father that you wish to burn his gift if you yourself don't even know whether he is being a "devouring" father or not? Are you familiar with some of the terms we use here on the forum like external considering?

My old mother pushes my buttons from time to time and it's certainly not easy to remain calm and collected, because family history can be rife with challenges, so I understand your being triggered, but to act out your anger is something else entirely. I have been there and bought the t-shirt! My two cents.
 
I'm from a farming family and we are very busy people. I see it as wasting time and unnecessary. Its necessary to have something that is separate to that for me is my car i bought myself 20 years ago. Not long ago he bought me a tractor in slightly better condition than the one i bought. It wasn't necessary and it wasted time going to get it i was bugged by that but apart from extra maintenance its useful. Isn't their a thing about not doing stuff for people they can do them self because it takes away the persons independence.
 
Inflation might be a motivation stuff won't stay cheap etc. Stuff doesn't store well though and people steel it.
 
It sounds to me like he's just trying to be supportive in his own way. My Dad is always suggesting stuff for me to do, even though my plate is quite full as it is. His suggestions are often way out of proportion, more on the level of unrealistic grand designs. Some parents are just like that - we'll always be their kids, and sometime they'll be overbearing in what or how they give.

Dad's suggestions used to really annoy me. I've practiced saying thanks but no thanks, and telling him the reason why, and just leaving it at that. He probably won't change, so it makes the most sense to just accept him for who he is at this time, and not let it get to me. It took some practice to get to this point, though.

Burning a free car that may actually be quite useful seems pretty intense. I agree with Mariama, sharing some more information about your relationship with your Dad will probably be helpful in figuring out why that was your first response.
 
iamthatis said:
It sounds to me like he's just trying to be supportive in his own way. My Dad is always suggesting stuff for me to do, even though my plate is quite full as it is. His suggestions are often way out of proportion, more on the level of unrealistic grand designs. Some parents are just like that - we'll always be their kids, and sometime they'll be overbearing in what or how they give.

Dad's suggestions used to really annoy me. I've practiced saying thanks but no thanks, and telling him the reason why, and just leaving it at that. He probably won't change, so it makes the most sense to just accept him for who he is at this time, and not let it get to me. It took some practice to get to this point, though.

Burning a free car that may actually be quite useful seems pretty intense. I agree with Mariama, sharing some more information about your relationship with your Dad will probably be helpful in figuring out why that was your first response.
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My relationship with my farther is ok. I look after the development block which is isolated, has low rainfall, salinity caused by irrigation and i got stuck here during lock down (apart from when i broke the law and risked getting arrested crossing the state border). My dad and the people around here plus the irrigation company that supply's the water (they give us free water in autumn after a flood, no water in a drought and charge money for access to water every year ) are putting pressure on me to use water. The very reason the place has salt. It drove some people off there farms in the 80s and was somewhat rectified by drainage system that doesn't extend under this block. There's a need to generate income without raising the water table so i irrigate small areas strategically and use the rest for marginal dry land cropping and grazing. Its been tough being here for the last 4 years a lot of work for little reward and the feeling of being surrounded willfully blind people takes a toll. I have to be careful not to let resentment and bitterness take hold. Maybe if i can keep my car as my own without interference from others it might just be enough to stave off bitterness and resentment. So when i say i would burn the car its is drawing a line in the sand enforcing a boundary. Without my own car and making my own decisions i'd be a slave. Keep in mind the west is a throw away society and old cars are very cheap.
 
Sounds like you're feeling pressured to do extra work while you're already pretty busy. Seems to be a recurring theme for me as well.
FWIW the tractor thing worked out ok, maybe the parts car will come in handy? I know they can be more trouble than they're worth sometimes. What happens if you don't go pick it up? (or delay doing so)
eightyfour said:
I have to be careful not to let resentment and bitterness take hold.
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yes.

My mother likes to aggravate me by moving all the time (grass is greener syndrome). It doesn't help that I have access to a 24' box van.
It's to the point that if she mentions moving again I'm going to deny having a mother.
 
Rhansen said:
Sounds like you're feeling pressured to do extra work while you're already pretty busy. Seems to be a recurring theme for me as well.
FWIW the tractor thing worked out ok, maybe the parts car will come in handy? I know they can be more trouble than they're worth sometimes. What happens if you don't go pick it up? (or delay doing so)

yes.

My mother likes to aggravate me by moving all the time (grass is greener syndrome). It doesn't help that I have access to a 24' box van.
It's to the point that if she mentions moving again I'm going to deny having a mother.
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I talked to him about it. Writing on here was helpful to get some outside perspective and see my own thoughts in writing. The grass ain't greener here its yellow. Some intellectual and government done a number on this area back in post war Australia.

If ya mother keeps chasing after a paradise and ropes you in on helping her move ya might need to have a talk with her about it.
 
Hi eightyfour. It is difficult to give an opinion or try to answer your initial question. Based on your account and the fact that (as you tell us) your relationship with your father is fine, it doesn't sound like your father is a devouring parent or anything like that. However, with the information given, the universe of possibilities regarding your father's motivations could be quite broad. It could simply be a gesture of affection somewhat out of proportion or it could be a host of other things,... IMO it would be not only difficult but unwise to start theorizing without more information.

Having said that, I must say that I was a bit shocked by your response to your father and a bit confused by your explanations as to why you were so irritated by your father's gesture. On the one hand you raise the issue that it is a waste of time and that you are a very busy person, and on the other you tell us about your fear that your father does not respect your independence or crosses some personal line. I can't say much about that, although I think you could perhaps get more out of this experience by sitting down and thinking not so much about your father's motivations or whether what he did was right or wrong, but rather about the source of your own reaction.
 
eightyfour said:
I'm car person and i do all my own maintenance, repairs, source parts etc. Anyway my dad has got me a parts car that i didn't ask for and i said i didn't want it because it wastes time going to get it. He got it anyway. So i told him that if it turns up here i'll burn it (it realy pisses me off that much). Am i unreasonable or would it be that i feel my independence is being taken away because i can sort that stuff my self as needed ? I probably should add that i have had the same vehicle for 20 odd years (i might want to get something else by now) and i'm not young. Defiantly not a teenager it probably would have been good back then to get a parts car or something to fix up. Is this a case of a devouring parent or a lonely aging parent ? I still don't think its right ether way.
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I think it isn't just about aging or car. As you get older you should realize your parents are not as perfect as you think when you were little. When someone is self center their love can't flow fluidly in give/take and non demanding manner. There is always a string attached because their basic intention is to control and dominate so it isn't so surprising if they maintained a perfect image to others while upsetting those close to them (we kinda know their trick). Unless you can tell their intention to our society they always have your best interest at heart like knowing who to marry, job/degree, religion, car etc when they often confuse what they want rather than the children they are suppose to love. Personally, I learned to be sincerely kind to my parents in their old age instead of doing things just for filial piety duty (it's asian thing). If he bother you a lot you should stay away for the sake of your inner peace but in the end still your family.
 
Curious Beagle said:
I think it isn't just about aging or car. As you get older you should realize your parents are not as perfect as you think when you were little. When someone is self center their love can't flow fluidly in give/take and non demanding manner. There is always a string attached because their basic intention is to control and dominate so it isn't so surprising if they maintained a perfect image to others while upsetting those close to them (we kinda know their trick). Unless you can tell their intention to our society they always have your best interest at heart like knowing who to marry, job/degree, religion, car etc when they often confuse what they want rather than the children they are suppose to love. Personally, I learned to be sincerely kind to my parents in their old age instead of doing things just for filial piety duty (it's asian thing). If he bother you a lot you should stay away for the sake of your inner peace but in the end still your family.
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That lowdown thing with the government "keeping us safe" (that's resentment building and takes a bit to work through that ) would make a person more sensitive to having independence taken. An out burst isn't always caused entirely by the person that is on the receiving end of the out burst.
 
Hey eightyfour, like others said, it's hard to give an opinion on the situation without knowing more of what you and your dad and your relationship is like..

eightyfour said:
Is this a case of a devouring parent or a lonely aging parent ?
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Dunno, what do you think? Is your dad the type of guy who, if he does something nice for someone there are always strings attached? Or, does he seem lonely?

Might be totally wrong, since I don't know your dad, but could a possibility be that it was his way of reaching out to you, like a way of connecting with you over something he thinks you're into (working on your car)?

Me and my dad, in the past we seemed to find it hard to connect. We got on ok, but, sort of uneasily & at a distance.. but we'd get much closer when we both got involved in some project... having a practical thing to get done seemed to give us the reason to hang out and talk etc..

So anyway fair enough if you don't want the parts car, but is it possible that accepting it would be like accepting your dad? And rejecting it would be like rejecting HIM? And if so, is that what you want to do? I reckon you should talk about it with him if you can...

Also if the waste of time to go get the car is what bothered you, but then your dad went ahead and got it anyway..wouldn't it make that time even more of a waste, if you burnt the car? If it turns up, I'd just accept it (if you got space for it, sounds like you do if you're on a farm?) even if you never end up doing anything with it... Cos maybe it's not about you, but about him... Sometimes you gotta swallow your pride.. that doesn't make you a slave.. it makes you flexible and adaptable.

But yeah I might be totally off track, none of this might apply to you, I'm going on my own relationship with my dad.
 
brandon said:
Hey eightyfour, like others said, it's hard to give an opinion on the situation without knowing more of what you and your dad and your relationship is like..


Dunno, what do you think? Is your dad the type of guy who, if he does something nice for someone there are always strings attached? Or, does he seem lonely?

Might be totally wrong, since I don't know your dad, but could a possibility be that it was his way of reaching out to you, like a way of connecting with you over something he thinks you're into (working on your car)?

Me and my dad, in the past we seemed to find it hard to connect. We got on ok, but, sort of uneasily & at a distance.. but we'd get much closer when we both got involved in some project... having a practical thing to get done seemed to give us the reason to hang out and talk etc..

So anyway fair enough if you don't want the parts car, but is it possible that accepting it would be like accepting your dad? And rejecting it would be like rejecting HIM? And if so, is that what you want to do? I reckon you should talk about it with him if you can...

Also if the waste of time to go get the car is what bothered you, but then your dad went ahead and got it anyway..wouldn't it make that time even more of a waste, if you burnt the car? If it turns up, I'd just accept it (if you got space for it, sounds like you do if you're on a farm?) even if you never end up doing anything with it... Cos maybe it's not about you, but about him... Sometimes you gotta swallow your pride.. that doesn't make you a slave.. it makes you flexible and adaptable.

But yeah I might be totally off track, none of this might apply to you, I'm going on my own relationship with my dad.
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I have sort of noticed that it might be trying bond with his son. I hit 3 kangaroos recently i have spares panels i don't wanna waste them so i straighten the bent ones and get a sense of achievement out of doing that skills like that are good to develop. I see this car as more clutter and unnecessary. Space doesn't stop it being clutter or hording. I have to move it to cut the grass or a grass fire will burn it (ya don't want a car on fire during a grass fire the widows explode sometimes the fuel tank).
 
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