I'm 24 and have never really had an mystical experiences before I managed to find the C's site. Im going to give a brief synosis of some of my life experiences and story to illustrate the reason why the C's material had enough resonsnace withing me to encourage me to stay and read on for the next 2 years to present, after finding the cassiopaean network of sites.
I was adopted into a Scottish Roman Catholic family and baptised as such. I quickly came to realise (by the age of about 11 or 12) that the bible and religous teachings of Catholasism were severly lacking of any real useful information about the world around me and how to live in it, and indeed what was really going on.
I was unlucky I guess some would say as I was adopted into a family dominated by a ruthless, violent and sadistic, alchaholic man (my adopted father). My mother for much of my early years was never really around to talk to and help me form an opinion of the world around me or what I should be doing with my life. A severe case of mumps has also (I sense) left my mother mentally scarred with some quite startling psycopathic/sadistic feeding behaviour when it comes to inter-personal relations. I say this because for most of my life growing up I felt very alone partially due to my mother being in a near constant state of breakdown and overload due to the violence both physical and mental from my father. Early on my mother and older sister (who are blood relations) formed a very close bond and would comfort each other and hold each other through the hard times, which left me somewhat on the outside looking in with knowone to hold me when I cried at night to tell me it was all gonna be OK.
I had no parental figure to talk to about my life or what was going on within myself and my "Kids view of the world". This lead me to start asking questions of myself about who Iam, and my place in this world from an early age. I started to observe not only the dynamics of my family relations, but also the dynamics of primary and secondary school kids I was around, and what I saw terrified me. I basically saw people knowingly and deliberately using, hurting and controlling other people, which flew in the face of the standard Catholic Teachings being rolled out at my local church. In fact my own parents, who claimed to be living the teaching of the bible, were not doing as they should and to be honest for what seemed like an eternity I nearly went over the edge.
I had become so horrified by the situation I not only found myself in (which at the time I flet I had no control over) but the world I saw around me which didn't work the way the "Good Book" said it should. I knew back then in my early teens that the world wasn't right, that things were only seemingly going from bad to worse and I had no concept as to why.
Things started coming to a tipping point for me at the age of around 12, I felt so lost, helpless and alone I had started to self mutilate and literally take razors to my own flesh to feel a sense of relief or release from the pain inside of me. I had also attempted to take my own life on at least 3 occasions and needed medical help to recover from my own self-strangulation. Looking back Im not sure how I survived that period of my life or what drove me on, but I then done something that to this day Im still ashamed of. I started to project my own pain onto the people and itno the world around me.
I started to use people, to hurt people and I guess to try and cause as much pain around me, as I felt within myself. I would lie, abuse and knowlingly set others up to take the blame for my own actions (like a regular little psycopath). I could do this because at the time I had no consience and no real feelings, I had nothing to hold me back or make me feel bad for other people, so I became a master of my own universe of pain and suffering (or so I thought) for as many as 2-3years.
It wasn't untill some time around the age of 14-15 that something happened to me that I hadn't experienced before. I started to actually see the pain that I was causing in people, and to almost feel or empathise with the feelings of pain and hurt in others around me whom I had myself on many occasions hurt or used. I realised that I was quickly becoming my father and that thought alone sickened me to my core. At this time I also for the first time realised I had an inner voice I could talk to myself with inside my own head (something I did not have in my early life as far as memory serves me). It was this inner voice (constantly questioning my own actions) coupled with my consience that literally was blocking me form being able to keep acting in such a psycopathic and destructive way. I could try and hurt other people still, but I would pay a terrible price mentally and physically for it and soon realised that I needed to change the way I was acting or I wouldn't long be of this world. For the first time in myt life I decided I wanted to stay in this world, no matter how screwed up it was, and that I no longer wanted to be a part of the problem, but a part of the solution.
I decided to observe even more colseley those around me, to see what I could find in them that might explain some of the darkness in my own life and the world around me, and again I was terrified at what I saw. I never really understood the true nature of psycopathic individuals out there and those affected by them by proxy, but I begun to see it and began to fight against psycopathic, selfish a controlling behaviour of the people around me and withing my own being. And to this day still try to fight the darkness I know is within me and fight to overcome it.
For me everyday living in this world has been a struggle to survive against a tide of darkness threatening at any point to overwhelm me from within or without. At the age of around 16-17 I decided to try and help other people instead of helping myself (in fact I thought maybe my growing empathic nature and ability to feel the pain of others around me was a form of punishment for my past sins). So thats what I tried to do.
This inevitably lead me into a series of disasterous relationships, when meeting people and trying to give my all to help them (mostly when said help was not asked for or accepted), when in fact I was only feeding their own illusions and control sysytems...for a long time I failed to learn from my mistakes, untill I was once again close to suicide after a being used and left heartbroken by a young lady exhibiting some low level, but in hindsight rather obvious psycopathic traits.
If im honest (and I am rather ashamed of admitting this) I gave up all hope of ever having any kind of life at all in this world. A large part of me thought that I was merely here to be food for other people to feed on (and how right I was) and that that was all I could expect form this life. So I for the first time in a long time I spoke to God and basically said something along the lines of... "Im done, Im finished with my own life, and I dont want your help to try and make thing better, there are far more people out there in greter need than me. So Im asking you God if you would just allow me to help in some way, to be used as a tool by you to help others in some way shape or form, so that when I do leave this world, it will not all have been for naught and I may have been of some practical use to others, besides being used/controlled/food for them".
This is why I think I made it here to this site and to these teachings and writings. Laura's work detailing the true nature of this world and the people living in it ignited a spark in me that no other work or teaching have ever stoked in me. I believe I came here not by chance, but maybe by asking for help to help others, and what better way than the "fourth way" as espoused by the C's and the QFG here. I still have massive self-doubt and 50%-70% of the time believe myself to be a psycopath or OP and still just part of the problem (especially when reading about such as there are many similarities between myself and OP's in particular). But all any man or woman can do is try to help, try to find the truth and try to see this world and the people in it as they really are and not as we would like to. The harder part is to then find a way to make such information accessible to others. It is then up to the people around us whether they want to take an interest or not, for my part I try to let people know the possibilites and then let then make up their own damn minds. Everything starts with choice.
Mr Smith: "Why Mr Anderson, why do you persist?"
Neo: "Because I choose to"
lol). So he said why don't you check out this site, which was Cassiopaea. I checked it out and found it to be incredible. I read a lot of it, but definitely took it with a grain of salt. I even introduced the site to my Christian fanatic buddy and he said it had some interesting stuff but all the stuff about Jesus and Lucifer the Fallen Angel were garbage and that reading this stuff was surly a sin because they don't believe in Jesus. Then after reading the material for a while, I came to the whole idea of Lizards eating us and that we are "food for the moon", so to speak and I got scared and ran. I told my self I would not read this site again until I had proof that what these guys are saying is true. Then one day when my friend and I were at a video store looking for an anime (Japanese Animation) we rented an animation series called Experimental Series-Lain, which talked about VERY similar stuff, as the Cassiopaea material, and that was my proof. It was the fact that I was presented with almost the same material through a COMPLETELY different source. As I read I also discovered that what Ark states here:
