luke wilson said:
Man oh man, I tell you what... This whole finding partners thing has brought up a revelation to me and that is despite having a somewhat cheerful exterior, I have dangerously low self esteem and self worth... it's ridiculous how such a feeling of worthlessness can be buried and hidden so deeply underneath a veneer of optimism and joyfulness. The illness is chronic.
Ditto that Luke, but once you've been aware of it for some time things can start to change if you accept the emotions as they are and try and untangle the narratives that have been built around it.
Take the subject of finding a partner. It is biological drive that is totally coloured by social context and environmental/psychological/emotional factors. Biopsychosocial as Gabor Mate puts it, his work on addiction and learning about healthy parenting has actually given more of a perspective on this issue.
From the biological side the need for companionship, social connection etc isn't ever going to go away. The social context of what is considered normal and healthy in relationships (following urges/chemicals/needs without thought - reacting as mechanical machines) is so far from what a healthy relationship looks like it's actually hard to even know what that looks like! I realized a year or so ago that I didn't even know what love was.
So it's like being told the only food you can eat is gluten - and as far as you can see there is no other food available. Why would anyone even want to eat anything but gluten given the whole world eats it automatically? When your biology/psychology (especially if we've never been taught how to meet our own needs in healthy ways) hits that kind of social narrative it's no wonder it's depressing/painful! And it's no wonder everyone makes up all sorts of narratives to justify just a small piece of gluten. Anything is better than the pain of none!
When you are stuck between a rock and a hard place - your biology and social pressure it can seem like an impossible situation. You can sink into dispair or spin narratives to escape that. Act mechanically out of desperation or 'normalcy' like everyone else.
Or.....or you can bare the pain with an aim in mind. When you step into a cold shower you can do exactly the same - sink into dispair (which makes it hurt so much more, and will accelerate hypothermia/fatigue/depression) or you can escape via narratives about how you don't need to be there etc and get out early. Or you can relax into it and get through it knowing that afterwards won't be so bad and that the aim is to suffer now so that you don't suffer later (i.e. Ebola etc).
Both or these run off a deeper Biopsychosocial system - that of pain and perception of pain. Pain is totally reliant on your emotional/psychological/biological systems, as well as memory! If you've had a bad nights sleep, are dehydrated, angry, depressed, have a history of emotionally painful experiences involving cold water or are running negative narratives cold showers hurt way more than if you aren't in any of those modes.
Even if the water is the same temperature, you're experience of it changes!
Believing that you can't handle pain will make your experience of pain much more unbarable.
So like the cold showers, what is our aim in finding a relationship? What are our motives?
One useful thing to hold next to the reality of situations like this is that of hope. Hope is faith that there is a solution you cannot see! Because if you believe there is NO solution you're choice is dispair or narratives/escape (or both).
Given how far we are away from knowing what a healthy relationship looks like, hope is like trying to explain to people trapped at sea their entire lives that just over the horizon is land (think of the film Water World). It is mythical and imaginary, and you can get caught up in imagining you have reached dry land in order to escape the pain of the situation or the pain of believing there is no land!
Same goes for relationships.
Laura and Ark found each other because of the Work they did on themselves, and because of how they shared that work with others.
If your aim is to have a relationship then I think that is based on pain avoidance and not consciously acknowledging the Biopsychosocial pressures involved. These sort of pressures freaking hurt! But if that's what drives you to seek relationships (to get rid of the pain/pressure) then it is self medication (i.e. Gabor Mates work on addiction) and mechanical.
There is nothing wrong with acting mechanically though. If that's what people want to do then that's great.
If you've had enough of mechanical suffering though, and want to change then it becomes conscious suffering like braving cold showers. At the very least it's important to be able to reach out and share if the pain gets too much, to ask for help and connect in healthy social ways. You don't go stand in a cold shower all day! :)
I figure the day I no longer need a relationship because of all the above Biopsychosocial reasons, is the day it'll happen. And hopefully with someone in the exact same position. And it will be a slow learning process because we'll both be aware of all of the mechanical ways in which you can have a relationship.
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On what a healthy relationship/love looks like? Some of the better clues I've found come from watching things like the BBC's adaptations of Charles Dickens collective works (this tends to be a more healthy way to relieve the pressure of finding a partner).
The Odyssey thread (and book) holds clues. The Work holds clues. The above holds clues.
At the very least you need two ingredients. Knowing what doesn't work/is mechanical, and having hope/faith that the answer exists even if you can't see it - but not in a way that is used to escape the reality/pain of the situation, nor does it indulge/fixate on the pain of the situation (this is such a fine line it takes practice). This then creates friction for the Work.
Hopefully all of this is of some use - on a personal note I'm feeling somewhat cynical about relationships today so that may have coloured things
Everyone wants a relationship, and to be happy and have a 'normal' life. Problem is, we live in a world where doing that means letting the bad guys win. The fight isn't for everyone, but everyone can fight in their own way. :)
. After my partner and I muddled through it as best we could, I realized the strain placed on both of us could have been alleviated somewhat if we'd had someone to give us some wisdom, proper support and some relationship advice. But there was no one. I resolved then, that if I had no mentors for myself to guide me through this relationship process, than I would at least make it my goal to be that role model for my kids, nephews and nieces by working hard on myself through the relationship and having a partner do the same. We continue to do this as best we can- I guess time will tell how it works out...
