In order to some day be in a healthy loving relationship you yourself must be engaged in healthy and loving ways, align yourself with them.
Work on 'the work', work on the self, work on what interests you and, in the course of normal events, you may very well meet someone who is also doing what you are doing and with whom you can have a healthy, spiritual, mental AND physical relationship.
After all, if you want to meet someone who is interested in the same things you are, then you have to be actively doing them - and so does she - in order for your paths to cross. Also keep in mind that there are pathologicals tossed into the midst to lead astray, so they have to be watched out for.
The best thing to do for now is to work on the self, work on what interests you, and forget about romance for the time being - just relieve the pressure if necessary. If you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, and if you are ready, the Universe has a way of giving you what you need.
[...]
As I said, after the “[shamanic] initiation” that I passed through in my “descent” into Hell, the world changed for me in profound ways. The profundity of the change was at a level I could not fully fathom in my consciousness, but it bore fruit almost immediately. My view of all my relationships, all my actions and interactions with the world changed in incalculable ways. I could literally “see the unseen” dynamics of every exchange between myself and other people in all situations. And by seeing, I was able to choose that reaction that was truly expressive of Unconditional Love, of Truth, of ultimate Beauty in Cosmic terms. I no longer saw with my human eyes nor was I ruled by my human emotions. This does not mean that I did not feel them! But I had already made a choice of the greatest magnitude in terms of putting aside all human egoic need for comfort and illusion, and I was simply not able to ever view anything the same way again.
Certainly, I have come under intense criticism from various quarters because making the choice to have no close relationships based on lies, or that permit lying, makes it imperative that such relationships either be corrected, and if that is not possible, relegated to a distance. One of the first acts of application of this new state of being was, as I have chronicled, the reordering of my personal life which included divorcing my husband and bringing to a halt all manipulative interactions between myself and my children, close friends and associates. Many people saw these actions as “unfeeling” or a certain “coldness” or lack of love and caring. But, the Truth is I knew that as long as I participated in these dynamics, I was feeding the [egoic] "Service to Self" (STS) forces. I understood my position: that I needed to gain strength. I also knew that I needed to be strong in my polarization for the sake of others, not just those immediately in my life. It wasn’t easy. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I was devastated at the thought of hurting anyone. But, I also realized from looking back over my life that I was particularly vulnerable to having people placed close to me who were there for the express purpose of draining my life force, because it was very potent, and by manipulating me to give in to the STS dynamic. I was a powerful feeding machine to amplify those energies!
I also understood that those who are not awake are completely subject to engaging in this type of manipulation even subconsciously. More than this, I understood that I must battle for the souls of those I loved and that this could even mean saying “no” to them literally, or spiritually, so as not to amplify the STS frequency in them. I knew that if I continued to act as their buffer, I was making it almost impossible for them to overcome their own predatorial natures. Such a price was so high that I couldn’t bear to consider it. That value took precedence over my own “human emotions” that sought only ease and peace and to “make things nice”.
Yes, I realize the love that I felt for my children which made me think that we could or would travel into the higher levels together might be a trap, but at least I knew for sure that, if it was their soul choice, they needed to wake up and do it fast, and they would never do it with me there allowing myself to be manipulated into giving amplification to their STS tendencies! I understood that it was not love to do anything that prevents another from learning a lesson that they are here to learn, no matter how hard it is to watch when someone you love is suffering. You must love another as they are in order to be able to allow them to learn their own lessons, and this is the bitterest lesson of all for the human part of one who chooses to serve others in the Cosmic sense.
That does not mean I stopped being kind or giving, nor does it mean that I stopped being a parent and imposing necessary discipline that is part of the parent-child soul agreement, it simply means that I knew that if I was “acting a certain way” to persuade someone to fulfill my idea of how they should be, without considering their choices and lessons, that I was not helping them. I also knew that if I allowed them to manipulate me by intimations that it would produce some result favorable to me, it was the wrong reason to do it. I also knew that when they did things that required a disciplinary response, they were asking me to discipline. Most asking takes place in action, not words!
In the case of my ex-husband, I realized that, by continuing to support him emotionally in his choices which, most of the time, if not all of the time, happened to be in direct opposition to my own, as well as opposed to the well being of the family, I was either expecting this support to “convert him” to my view, or I was simply giving up my free will. I understood that his choices were his and fully worthy of his pursuit. They just weren’t mine. And, by the same token, my choices were not his and he had made that clear so that I could no longer be angry when he behaved in passive aggressive ways about things I wanted or needed, making it clear that he only did things for me grudgingly, and to “keep the peace”. Not only that, I understood that, by his behavior, he was asking me to release him. Even if it was neither conscious nor part of his social and religious programming. At a very deep soul level, he was being guided to behave in ways that were subtle, yet definitely asking for release. To refuse such asking, would not be Love!
In the case of the husband and wife relationship, this is a most difficult thing to assess because it is a relationship based on commitment to similar goals and ideals and intimate interactions of assimilation and identification with one another. When you fully realize that the giving of energy to the Service to Self alignment in any respect is to help it grow while you are diminishing your own possibilities of increasing the Service to Others dynamic, you are faced with very difficult choices at the most intimate level. And, it is actually in and through these choices and their activation that you are marrying your knowledge to your will! If you perceive, make the correct choices for true STO dynamic, implementation will powerfully amplify your Frequency! The closer the relationship, and the harder it is to do it, to overcome the illusions of programming, the more profound the effect it can have on the amplification!
In terms of a marriage partner, yes, of course, you can still have similar goals of raising your children, of paying your bills, of building a nest egg for retirement. Can’t we say that “Serving Others” might constitute “giving of support” to such mundane human pursuits while the other aspects of our lives, our spiritual pursuits, are kept separate? Not only that, but when one looks at divorce, one is looking at possibly losing one’s own financial/ physical/ emotional support system which may be detrimental especially when children are involved, so isn’t that very Self Serving?
In the case of a marriage, this is where the rubber hits the road in terms of applying one’s knowledge and choices. It all depends on your idea of what marriage is supposed to be and what your life goals are, and whether or not they can harmonize.
For most of us, marriage constitutes a commitment to support and sustain another person physically, emotionally and financially “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part”.
Note the key words: “support and sustain.”
Now, if it becomes clear that the marriage partner is at a level or position on the “learning cycle” that is different from the individual who is “waking up”, what is the level of responsibility? One might think that it is their responsibility to stay in the marriage because they simply are married or committed. In this case one then has to think very carefully about the term “response - ability”.
How are you going to respond to a person who makes choices to act as “food” in the Service to Self hierarchy? How are you going to respond to a person who is still “lost in the illusion” that he has free will and the power to choose his destiny, and is completely unaware of the forces that dominate our world? How are you going to support a person who makes choices to not expand his or her knowledge base to the same extent that you have, a person who is content to stay in the locked room and doesn’t care that it may be locked. He or she has not even arrived at the point of checking the door! If you have left your own “locked room”, are you then going to move into the locked room of another person?
Well, you can continue to support them, in which case your energy amplifies their own STS frequency AND feeds the STS dynamic through them.
[...]
A friend of mine recently wrote to me about a clue he was given about this very matter: “I don’t think that we can `save` anybody but we can help many others in saving themselves (well, I guess you could call that a form of saving if you want, it’s only semantics).
When I went to sleep last night, I sort of asked: if there is anything to us `saving` others, show me how it’s done. And I had this dream, just before waking up... Basically, I was facing someone of the `other camp`, we were in a sort of fight/discussion, until he said: please, release me, help me out of this. It was said in all honesty, sincerely. Then, `something` of me or something `came out` of me, sort of melted with this individual and he changed completely, in a sort of morphing way. very strange!!!”
And the key was in what the soul of the other was crying: please release me! And this is, indeed, the way! To release that soul to enter fully into the lessons they have chosen without your interference or support except to Love them as they are and to give to them only when they truly ask, without manipulation. The something that “came out” and “melted with the individual” was this Unconditional Love that allowed them to be as they are, at their level, fully and completely so that they could grow out of it! He “gave free will” and discontinued his feeding of the STS frequency, thereby releasing the soul to change in its own way and time!
So, in the Cosmic scheme of things, which is true Love and Giving? To support and sustain a person in lies and illusion with all the attendant “food” that is implicit in the marriage relationship, to continue to amplify their STS frequency, or to release them to lessons - the giving of what is truly appropriate to their actions which demonstrate clearly what the soul is asking - that may eventually facilitate their own growth and/or initiation, if not in this life, in the next?
Of course, the question then becomes: can you withdraw support from the dynamic and still support the person? The fact is, in terms of soul choices, it is impossible to intimately support a person who is aligned to a certain soul choice without also supporting that person’s choices. In other words, how can you “sleep” with someone who has different goals than your own? Each time you do, an energy transfer takes place, and it amounts to your energy going to feed their goals, so you might as well decide that the goals are your own, because certainly, your energy is advancing them.
But, it is here that a very hard look has to be taken at the self to inquire why you would want to continue to support and sustain a person who is part of a dynamic that you have chosen not to feed any longer? (Again, I repeat that what I am saying here is only for those who have taken the step toward full initiation!)
Are you staying in the relationship because of financial considerations? Is it “for the children”? Or because you don’t see how you could continue your path of learning without the financial backing of the marriage? If it is for financial considerations relating to yourself, it is easy to see that you are the vampire. You are offering an “illusion” of love and support in order to obtain something that you want or need. If you are staying for the sake of the children, you need to be very careful how you think this is going to benefit them.
In the first place, at some soul level these children are learning by observing and experiencing. If they observe and experience a vampire dynamic between their parents and themselves, that is what they will grow up to emulate in their own lives.
Is that what you want for your children? That they should marry for financial considerations? Or that they should marry someone who does not really love them for themselves, but then find that they have to stay in the marriage “for the sake of the children”, further perpetuating the dynamic to the next generation? Is that what you want for your children and your children’s children? Can you look at your own life and say, with deepest honesty, that this is what you would want for someone you love very much?
In another sense, if you are in a relationship where there is “feeding” going on, one or both of the marriage partners is going to have to obtain energy from somewhere, and the most likely sources are going to be the children. Is that what you want?
Another key is, can you stay in the relationship without expectation of anything being changed or made better by your presence and/or support?
The essential thing about the STO Shamanic path is to give only when asked. And then, to give all that is asked. Most love relationships consist of one person asking another (implicitly or explicitly) to give them their “ideal partner”. This may have nothing at all to do with who the person really is. And certainly, most relationship partners will try to fulfill this role, at least for a time. But when the energy of pretending to be something you are not runs out, what is left? An even deeper issue is: what if the pretense of who or what you are is so programmed into you by the role you were taught to play by your own upbringing, and you find one day that this just isn’t you, but you can’t stop doing it because if you stop, you have no idea what you would do.
In any event, giving only when asked pretty much excludes giving to those of the STS orientation because they never ask! They manipulate, they demand, they beg, they even ask with their words but not their actions. And so, the only real thing a person seeking STO alignment can give to one who is still firmly embedded in the STS path is a “No”.
This issue of “asking” is a thing you can often only see by seeing the unseen. Perhaps one way to think about it would be that you could tell if someone is really “asking” if there is no anticipation on their part that you will give to them what they are asking! And, there is no condition placed upon you as to whether or not you say yes or no. In other words, if you say “no”, (because you cannot say yes for whatever reason) you are certain that there will be no break or decline in your relations. And the same thing applies to the self. If you “ask”, are you really asking? Or, is there some string attached such as “if you love me you will say yes”, or “see what I have done for you; now it’s your turn”, whether implied or not? Boris Mouravieff has written extensively on this subject and I will quote some of his material here that comes at the problem from a slightly different angle:
“Homo Sapiens lives immersed in his everyday life to a point where he
forgets himself and forgets where he is going; yet, without feeling it, he
knows that death cuts off everything.
How can we explain that the intellectual who has made marvelous
discoveries and the technocrat who has exploited them have left outside
the field of their investigations the ending of our lives? How can we
explain that a science which attempts everything and claims everything
nevertheless remains indifferent to the enigma revealed by the question of
death? How can we explain why Science, instead of uniting its efforts
with its older sister religion to resolve the problems of Being - which is
also the problem of death - has in fact opposed her?
Whether a man dies in bed or aboard an interplanetary ship, the human
condition has not changed in the slightest.
Happiness? But we are taught that happiness lasts only as long as the
Illusion lasts... and what is this Illusion? Nobody knows. But it submerges
us.
If we only knew what Illusion is, we would then know the opposite: what
Truth is. This Truth would liberate us from slavery.”
This last remark seems to me to be important. Very often people write to me and say that the C’s material is too “scary” and that we talk too much about the “illusion” why aren’t we talking about positive things or concentrating on “escaping” or whatever.
Well, the fact seems to be that what Mouravieff has said above is the key: If we cannot map the illusion, we have no hope of getting out of it. It is in mapping the illusion that we are able to distinguish between what Mouravieff calls the “A” influences and the “B” influences. We call it seeing the Theological Reality behind the Matrix. Mouravieff points out that the more we “collect” or “perceive” the “B” influences, and act on them, the more we “magnetize”. And naturally, seeing the “A” influences, or discerning the lies of our reality, consists in an ongoing series of “shocks” that seem to be necessary to change our center of gravity. The point is that it seems that until a person fully sees the illusion - the layers and layers of it - they have no hope of becoming free of it. Until we are trained, step by step, to discern the lies from the truth, we have no internal consistency and are subject to the whims of the Control System at every turn. And it seems to be that this patient, time-consuming, taking apart of our reality and extracting the Truth/”B” influences is what literally “grows” the soul.
Many people simply can’t do it. They can’t stand the bloody mess of the birth of the higher self which takes place on the bodies of all the sacred cows that were held so close for so long.
So when I am presenting any information supporting my ideals I make sure that I don't include things directly from this forum for him to read. That just gets a massive eye roll and mumbling about hoodoo voodoo 
