Life with Passive aggressive Personality Disorder

Arwenn said:
Don said:
I happened to find this article in a google search. Recently the term passive aggressive has been popping up more and more in my travels. Not knowing exactly what it meant, I looked it up. To my surprise it described me! But, I must say I was in TOTAL disagreement to the description of why and where this behavior comes from.

If you have identified yourself as being passive-aggressive, does it really matter as to the 'why and where' this behaviour comes from? The more important point here (or so it seems to me), is how much do you feel this is a problem in your life and how much do you want to change it? This is where the real Work begins.

I agree, that nitpicking about the details of why and where can get you stuck in the healing process. However, understanding the reasons and mechanisms of how these things develop is IMO very important for changing. And, in case you have children of your own, you wouldn't want to pass on these things because of lack of understanding.
 
Aragorn said:
I agree, that nitpicking about the details of why and where can get you stuck in the healing process. However, understanding the reasons and mechanisms of how these things develop is IMO very important for changing. And, in case you have children of your own, you wouldn't want to pass on these things because of lack of understanding.

It goes without saying that as parents understanding this dynamic is very important. Nitpicking is a very common tactic to maneuver and deflect the issue, which was what I was drawing Don's attention to.
 
Arwenn said:
If you have identified yourself as being passive-aggressive, does it really matter as to the the 'why and where' this behaviour comes from? The more important point here (or so it seems to me), is how much do you feel this is a problem in your life and how much do you want to change it? This is where the real Work begins.

While the article in the initial post was authoured by a female, passive-aggressive disorder is not limited to males. I can highly recommend books written by Dr George Simon such as In Sheep's Clothing, and Character Disturbance , for more on this subject (and written by a male, nonetheless). As has been mentioned above and elsewhere on the forum, you can't think with the way you think, or in other words, you can't think outside of the square when your thinking is the square.

I think that is a very important and complex issue. I was battling depressive episodes during my whole life, feeling estranged, wanting to know what's wrong with me in the first place. As a child I was tought to not exaggerate and to shut up, when I tried to speak about my emotions or emotions I sensed from others' behaviour towards me. Life was, what you make out of it.

It took me the last years, reading through your psychology and health section, buying and reading suggested books which really helped me in diagnosing my issues and finally developing an understanding, why I'm feeling and behaving that way.
Now I sometimes think, my main motor was more to find a kind of excuse for being different and I might gain others' acceptance, if I could label my difference. Only after working through my layers it finally hit me, that it's not about them accepting and understanding me, it's more about me accepting and understanding myself, for all that was, is and maybe.

I have to admit that it was one of Laura's comments in the perfectionism/control kind of thread, where she posted a commentary, saying enough is enough sometimes. At the same time my friend was rolling his eyes again about my idea to buy a new book, which might label me right. Then only I was able to kind of break that dynamic and start to bring myself more into being and really feel a change.
 
Reading this page about dating a passive aggressive man has been helpful to me in a lot of ways. My relationship with my recent ex is a textbook example of being in a relationship with a passive aggressive man. The post in this article I am referring to would be the very first one on the first page with all the descriptors of a passive aggressive person. When I first met my ex it was amazing. I thought he was everything I could ever want in a man, it was like we were exactly alike in so many ways and the connection was instant. He was going through a divorce when I first met him, his wife had asked for a divorce after one year of marriage, and he started pursuing me several months before the divorce was actually finalized. We bonded over that and our upbringings and I felt so close to him right away, it was like the man I had always wanted in my life. Then things started to change. Not right away, but things started to change at one point and little things started to come out and looking back in hindsight after reading through these posts I am now starting to believe he is a passive aggressive person. I can get into more details of my relationship with him and why I think he fits the description of a passive aggressive person if that would help, but what I am really here to ask you guys is: did I cause him to be this way? Did he act this way with me because of something I did to him? The reason I am asking this question is because he was married, granted his wife wanted out after a year or so but she was with him for 4 years before they were married so it baffles my mind to think that he could of been this way with her because if he was, why would she of ever married him? We had been together on and off for 3 years, after 2 years of flirting with each other and spending a lot of time together, but never doing anything that would mean we were dating. (Our first kiss happened the night we became an official couple and he asked me to be his girlfriend) But for 2 years before that we hung out, we horse played with each other such as tickling, hand holding, a lot of hugging and just physical closeness that we both seemed to long for and need in our lives. He is also my boss, I think I should mention that, so I have gotten to see him both in a professional as well as personal setting, and got to see a lot of his passive aggressive nature happen at work before we were involved with each other in a dating relationship. He pursued me with vengeance and when he felt he did something to make me pull away, he would come back and try to make things better. Not really apologizing, although sometimes he did do that, but mostly his way of making things right again was to try and talk to me or get me to talk to him about something totally irrelevant, but it was his way of starting up a conversation with me because if we were talking, in his mind we were ok.

There is so much more to this, I know, but I am not sure if any of you want or need to hear that in order to help me figure this situation out. He is with another woman right now. He cheated on me about two months ago...well I found OUT about her about two months ago, I do not know how long he had been dating her or whatever while we were till together. But anyways, he went on a business trip and the first couple of days he was in contact with me telling me how much he missed being away from me and how he couldn't wait to come home so we could spend time together. I should mention this part....we were in an on again off again relationship for the 3 years we were dating. He'd disappear after some small fight, or big fight, and wouldn't talk to me for days/weeks or sometimes months. We had broken up at the beginning of March and were back together by the end of March. His business trip was at the beginning of June and we had been together for those 3 months without any problems. I thought we were doing so well.....

Anyways, on the day he was to come home from his trip I heard from him after not hearing from him for almost 2 days and he told me his phone died and his hotel had lost power that is why I hadn't heard from him. I didn't think he was telling the truth because the story sounded kinda weird and really 'convenient" even though it could of been 100% true. Well, I said something to make him think I didn't believe what he was telling me, but told him I missed him too and couldn't wait to see him. He didn't respond to my text and has not spoken a word to me since (unless it's about work and he has to talk to me) I gave him a week to calm down then went to his house....that is when I found out about her. She was at his house when I came by to see him. This was about 6 weeks ago, and ever since then he has acted like I don't exist, like the last 5 years of our friendship and 3 years of being intimately involved with each other were nothing or that they didn't exist. That is why when the post said something about used furniture and when the guy doesn't need you anymore he throws you away and gets a new couch. Well....she's the new couch. They cant be away from each other for more than a couple of days even though he had always told me how his alone time meant so much to him, that he'd rather be at home watching tv or whatever then having me over, but when he wanted me to come over we would see each other. He sees her all the time, she is at his house at least twice a week and he has changed his appearance, his eating habits, he is losing weight for her. He is not acting like the way he acted with me, with this new girl. And that is why I am here to ask you for help/advice on this very thing. Did I do something to make him act the way he did around me? Everything was always on his terms when we were together, especially when we saw each other. If I asked to see him he'd make up some excuse why he couldn't see me that night, but if I left it alone and didn't ask to see him, he'd practically BEG me to go on a date with him or to come over. When I let things be on his terms he would want to see me and he would pursue me even more when I backed away. But with her it's not a game it doesn't look like....he always wants to see her, she is at his house like I said at least 2 times a week sometimes 3. This is the same guy who told me how much he loved his alone time and how much of a 'loner' he is, but he can't get enough of this girl. What I am wondering about passive aggression is can it be turned on and off like a light switch? Where he would keep me at arms length, he is throwing himself into her arms and vise versa with her. So I am asking if anyone can give me or has any insight into this because I am totally in the dark as to why he is acting this way after only knowing this woman a very short time where he knew me for years and we never got to the level he is at with her. Will the passive aggressive side to him reveal itself in this relationship, too, or is it something that just came out with me but isn't really his nature, just something he used to keep from committing to me?

Can anyone help??

Thank you.
 
Hi Orcajesse

I am glad this thread has been helpful to you. Have you read any of the recommended psychology books?

Seeing as this is your first post on the forum, we would appreciate it if you would post a brief intro about yourself in the Newbies section, telling us how you found this forum, how long you have been reading it, if you've read any of Laura's books like The Wave, Secret History of the World etc. There are introductions you can read in that section to get an idea.

Welcome aboard! :)
 
Orcajesse said:
So I am asking if anyone can give me or has any insight into this because I am totally in the dark as to why he is acting this way after only knowing this woman a very short time where he knew me for years and we never got to the level he is at with her. Will the passive aggressive side to him reveal itself in this relationship, too, or is it something that just came out with me but isn't really his nature, just something he used to keep from committing to me?

Welcome to the forum, Orcajesse. :)

Based on what you've written, I'd say that it sounds as if this push me/pull you is a pattern of his. It may help to know that most of what people do to us isn't personal in my opinion, although it can of course, feel that way when our emotions are involved.

Women, in general, can often have a tendency to internalize and self blame when it comes to relationships. While it's good that you are attempting some self-reflection in order to find out what, if any, role you have played in this situation, it can also be helpful to consider his past relationships to get a clearer picture of who he 'is'.

At this point, I question what he told you about his ex because his actions (cheating) have proven that on some level, he is comfortable with being dishonest so I wonder if he just told you that in order to get you to pity him. With that said, he may have told you the truth, but I'm just not completely convinced of it. Have you only heard his side of the story or hers as well?

I'm sorry you had to go through all of this but am glad you decided to post. :)
 
I will post to the welcome forum to introduce myself.

Truth Seeker: It is hard to examine his past relationships because I do not know much about them. I met him a little over 5 years ago and he had been married for 3 years at that point. His wife asked him for a divorce a year after they were married, but it took a long time for them to sign the papers and have it be made official in court. They were not officially divorced until 4 years after they were married. I do not know the particulars of that situation as there were so many rumors going around as to what really happened. I have only heard his side of the story, I have not ever met or spoke to her, but he had told me many different things about what happened between them. Mainly that he didn't understand what was happening because he said she woke up one day out of the blue and told him she didn't want to be married anymore, that she wanted to just be single and live her life. He told me that she wasn't interested in having children with him, but that she wanted to adopt children, but then she changed her mind about that. He said she just kept going back and forth playing with his head and heart and that one day she said she wanted a divorce and that the next day he'd find a letter saying that she was sorry and wanted to try marriage counseling with him to save the marriage. That went on and on for a period of time, as he tells it, but they ended up getting a divorce and his ex was remarried within the year and pregnant with her first child within a year after that. Like I said, I only know his side and I only know the rumors I have heard about what happened between them. I blamed her, not understanding how she could do those things to him, nor how she could leave a man like him because I thought he was absolutely wonderful. So I don't know what really caused their divorce, I always thought it was her based on what he told me from the beginning. He told me she woke up one day and blindsided him with this, that he had no warning and that everything was 'fine" between them and then all of a sudden she wakes up and decides marriage is not for her and she wants out. I believed him. I believed he didn't do anything to cause his wife to want a divorce, but I have been told by others that divorce usually doesn't come out of the blue that there are things leading up to it for a period of time. I am not sure what the case was with him and his ex-wife, as I said I don't know her and have never gotten her side of the story.

As for other past relationships I don't know of any that he had. I know he was involved with another girl he worked with for a short period of time, and from what I heard the relationship was purely sexual, he had no real interest in her other than sex, and when he met his ex-wife he dropped this girl and went after his ex wife. I am not altogether sure if that is true either, I only found out about her afterwards as it was years ago before I even met him and when I confronted him about it he got very defensive saying that he dated her for over a year but that she had dumped him. I am not sure how true that is. This is the part that has me the most confused and the one that I was wondering if anyone had any insights as to what went on. By his account he dated his ex wife for 4 years before asking her to marry him and then a year after the wedding she wanted out telling him she didn't want children and she didn't want to be married, but like I said before less than a year later she was remarried and a little over a year after that she was pregnant with her first child. So I don't know.

As for telling me what he did about his ex wife and their divorce, yes I think he was trying to get me to see him as the victim, which I did. He is very good at playing the victim and turning the tables. One example I can give is about a night that we spent together. It was really cold in his house so I asked him to turn up the heat, but he likes his house at 68 degrees at all times, so I asked or rather demanded (in a nice way) that he give me his sweatshirt. He gave me his sweatshirt and turned up the heat for me. I wanted to flirt with him, so I sort of did the incy wincy spider up his chest to try and tease him and flirt with him, just being silly. He became noticeable angry, pushed my hand away and stormed out of the room. I had no idea what he was so mad about. I didn't know if it was because I asked to wear his sweatshirt or if I made him turn up the heat. He came back to the living room and sat at the opposite end of the couch than me. He wouldn't look at me, talk to me, touch me. After 2 hours I suggested we just go to bed, so we did. Angry. The next day he tried to talk to me about it and said he was sorry and he was very sincere. He said it was the way I touched him, that he didn't like that because he was teased as a child about his weight and he thought I was doing something we used to call "pokey" which was me poking him in the stomach to try and tickle him. Since I wasn't doing that, I had no idea that was what he was so angry about, and when I told him that the next morning when we talked he said that he shouldn't of had to tell me anything about his past, that he shouldn't have to reveal something personal about himself to explain why he gets angry or to explain his actions. He said that I could of just asked him what he was so mad about the night before and we could of avoided this whole mess right away. He said he wasn't blaming me, that ignoring me emotionally and giving me the silent treatment was his fault, but that I still could have asked what was bothering him and it would of been resolved that night instead of the next morning. His apologies were usually like that....laced with blame, but he sounded like he was really sorry for what he had done and so sincere it was hard not to just move on from it because I didn't want to fight with him or be mad at him. Is that something he would do if he is really a passive aggressive person or something he can turn on and off with certain people? Like if the woman he is with now got into the same situation or similar with him would he react the same way, or would he choose to not do that to her because he values her more than he did me?

I am sorry this is so long and detailed, but I really want to understand him and his behavior and why he acted like this with me, but he doesn't act like this with the woman he is with now?
 
Thanks for your reply, Orcajesse.

To be honest, it sounds as if he has bigger issues than passive aggressiveness. It's difficult to say, but at the best, he's very wounded at the worst, he may be pathological. Not sure, but based on all you've written, it's probably best that he moved on if for no other reason than our own sanity.

These kinds of behaviors can lead us to want to know why some act the way they do and make us question what we did in order to make sense of it all which is a perfectly normal thing to do, but unfortunately there is often no reason that clarifies or justifies the behavior of others. The thing to remember here is that his behaviors are not due to some 'failure' of yours.

The truth is that he's probably done this before and is doing this again with this new person. If you haven't already, have a look at the link Menrva posted about the psychology books. I think you'll gain a lot of insight from them and perhaps a some peace of mind as well. They're all really helpful but Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm - Sandra Brown may be a good one to begin with.
 
I am trying to regain my sense of self after dealing with someone like this and this thread was very therapeutic. I think I will be referring to this often as I seek to break away from the passive aggressive craziness.
 
Laedra said:
I am trying to regain my sense of self after dealing with someone like this and this thread was very therapeutic. I think I will be referring to this often as I seek to break away from the passive aggressive craziness.

Hi Laedra,

I am glad you found it helpful. Seeing as this is your first post on the forum, we would appreciate it if you would post a brief intro about yourself in the Newbies section, telling us how you found this forum, how long you've been reading it and/or the SOTT page, whether or not you've read any of Laura's books yet, etc. You can find introductory posts there to get an idea.

Welcome! :)
 
HI i want to reply to the post by arwenn. Your quote from the blog mailmandelivers explains everything about me from A to Z. Iam trying to figure out all these years what is the disorder iam facing. why is it that iam always saying yes to everything , why can i say no, why cant i say i love You, why is that for gods sake i cant be honest even with myself. a million questions are unanswered.

thank You . now i finally have a word for the disorder. Allow me to say something about myself. At present iam living as an expat in Poland.Male 28 y.o. No family, no girl friend. I came here 6 years ago and am working in a logistics company. in the next verse allow me to say about my family.

My mother is a college teacher. she was raised in a very opressive family. She and me are from India. i was living there for 22 years until i finally decided to escape home because i didnt know what to do with myself. Back to my mother, she was not allowed to play outside home with boys , she was very passionate but was not given a chance to mingle with anyone because she was a girl...Her parents were over protective. To this day they say to me ' We gave Your mother a great childhood. Look she is even a reputed college teacher now. If we would have let her loose she would have probably escaped with some guy and would have married a guy of her choice. Now we found her the right partner and she is happy' When i heard that i didn't say anything. i was pissed and told them they did a bad job raising a woman and they should have given her more peace and happiness. they refused to acknowledge me.

My dad is a kind guy. but to this date is passive aggressive. My dad felt fear in the presence of my mother. he would not show it. but would escape when i needed something. We had quarrels in our home, probably like in every family. But my mother overpowered him in every possible way. To this day when i talk with my parents over Skype my father cannot sit for not longer than 5 minutes with my mother and talk to me. My father would put the table far away from my mother so that my mother is visible on the video screen and half of my dad is visible. coincidence You say.. ok.

My mother was very demanding emotionally. i remember when i was 12 , one day i felt very sad and i faked that i have an injury at school just to see my mother . my teachers called my mother and she came immediately came back from job to home and was crying profusely at the first sight of seeing me. She hugged me and started smothering me. In someway i felt good but was scared by her overpowering attitude. i will never forget that feeling .but in normal day to day life she is scary and would have no time for me . She would attend to calls and talk to colleagues. only chats we have are probably quarrels or some other non important shit.when i go to my father to ask if he wants to go get ice cream he would say no. it was so hard. i never got the love i deserved. the funniest thing of all is no body outside of the family see it. they all see a fully functioning family. i was outside beating kids, killing small kittens and stealing money from my friend's homes. All to get out my anxiety and frustration out on someone. this continued till i was 18 years old. then i started cleaning my act. probably this is where i started becoming passive aggressive. i don't know. a hint perhaps

My brother on the other hand would get love from mother. because he was the first child. he would demand something (like a PC, a new watch, 5 dollars on something and after some quarreling my dad would give in , because mom took the side of my brother). my dad hated brother for that. but now they are goods friends. 27 years later. my dad and mother wants me to be a good kid, dad tells me ' keep in touch with your brother. because he is family' i don't have stable contact with my brother but all i remember is him saying when i was a kid was 'fuck off' or telling to his friends 'my brother is a weirdo'. now he gives me advice. he says to me . ' We should take care of mother and father. they did so much for us'

i feel so guilty with all this rant, i honestly still don't know if i'am holding grudges against my family. i wished they loved me or something.
i wish also i could hold a relationship more than a week with a women. i wish i would not ditch every women who i meet. its so sad. i cant show anger. i hold it all inside. in the outside i'am so optimistic, helping and caring.the door mat. inside i feel pessimism and anger. why dont anything work. where should i start. :cry:

can anyone help me.? iam not going to psychologist. coz i dont have money. iam not saying a psychologist cant help me. but i think i will pay for 10 12 visits and what next? i will be healed nah....

i am independent now. i hold a job but iam still afraid of getting up early and going to job. i live with a friend from college who still takes care of me and give me advice. sometimes they say(my friend and his wife) that i'am a baby at heart still. i don't know what to do.anyone can relate to this from their childhood.?please return to me with Your thoughts :) thank YOU :P

[/ rant over]
 
Hi everyone I'm a newbie and I'd love some advice with dealing with what I believe to be passive aggression .
I was married for 20 years to a lovely man..lovely but dull. I met my current partner in the last year of my marriage. Moved straight out and in with him. He has 5 children, one living with him, and a an ex partner who is a drug addict, various awful family tradgedy let him I believe to the man he is today, a brief marriage at 18 she ran off with his best friend.every relationship he has had has been marked by cheating by the women ,who I believe turned to other people as they probably couldn't put up with his behaviour. He is emotionally distant. Always critical, never praises doesn't like to see others do well, argumentative aggressive , blames others all the time. Able to turn everything around so it isn't his but the other persons fault. Unreasonable response to things like traffic and other peoples actions, like explosive. Very cruel verbally but calls it being honest . I really need some help on how to deal with this, mostly the constantly sarcastic way he speaks to me. It cuts me to the core, I'm probably too sensitive, but I end up questioning my own actions..however I've never had a problem like this in other relationships..please help
 
Did you have a chance following this topic? I think to give more specific answers some more details are needed imo.

And by the way welcome Slowlygoingcrazy to our forum, actually, seeing as this is your first post on the forum, we would appreciate it if you would post a brief intro about yourself in the Newbies section, telling us how you found this forum, how long you've been reading it and/or the SOTT page, whether or not you've read any of Laura's books yet, etc.
 
Slowlygoingcrazy said:
I really need some help on how to deal with this, mostly the constantly sarcastic way he speaks to me. It cuts me to the core, I'm probably too sensitive, but I end up questioning my own actions..however I've never had a problem like this in other relationships..please help

There are lots of valuable and highly useful info in Simon's book In Sheep's Clothing, discussed in this same thread.
 
I know this post was created a couple of years ago but Arwenn...
If you ever read this again- I wish I could give you a huge hug. I went through a horrific relationship with a man and I have spent about a year now trying to put the pieces together for my own sanity. I have taken medications, I have paid hundreds to find "answers" in doctors and therapists as to what has been wrong with me and if the demise of one of the most painful relationship was actually my fault. Like you, I looked into narcissism, bipolar, sociopathic, psychopathic, avoidant love personality types and they do have some aspects that I could recognize in my ex, but nothing, NOTHING has covered all the aspects I have been searching for for so long like this post has mentioned.
I am never one for playing victim but I almost married this man and gave him EVERYTHING and abuse was what I received in return. I am a sensitive, kind, loving soul and he didn't like that. He wanted me to be rigid like him and to never ask for anything. I am only the victim because I allowed it and now I have been one year away from him but I knew there was something else going on here. And now I know....and now I can formally heal.
Putting this information out for the world was such a kind thing for you to do- and just like the end of your post said- you just helped another person who has suffered through a similar situation as you. I finally feel like I can sleep and rest easy knowing that it wasn't me. I have tears typing this...oh the freedom I feel...
Arwenn I hope that your situation has reached a much better place and that you and your children are happy and healthy and that you've even found some real love in your life from a man whose worthy of your love.
You're an angel....Thank you!!
 
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