Who the hell am I ?

After just having screwed up my 12th attempt for life-long ketogenic diet after 3 weeks,I decided to write a bit about my situation(hopefully its not "making noise"?)
getting 26 in few weeks,I still dont know who I am

Itry to make it in stations for better overview

The City where I was Born and where I lived the first 9 years of my live was pretty good,actually it was the most happy times in my life. It was a nice City and some good friends I had there. Also I was physical and menthal healthy(unlike now).The only thing what was not good was Judo Training since the Trainers screamed often to us.
But hen we had to move from apartment because otherwise my father would loose his job,therefore no Money.
My father was a meteorologist on a Military Station/Military tower back then,before moved.
The City we moved was some 200 kilometres from my hometown.So loosing all my friends I was "not happy" about that It was not that nice time anymore,all in all it was unfriendly town,but I still had one good friend there at the same house,despite that bulliing in school.I still had to go to Judo(no fun),also I had to go to football Training,which was actually no fun,too.Always feeling anxious going there.
Also in this time i got a brother(was 12 then)
But after some 3.5 years of lifing in this town, my father was uncomfortable with his Job he had to move alone because we havent found Apartment for all of us,this was a hard time especially for my parents.Some 6 months later we foolowed him,moved away to another town some 300 km away.
Again i ve lost a friend.
In this town,I never got any Real friends,just "bros",but they were not even bros I think.
I still had to go to Judo some 4 years.
But his time my last 3 years in School were just horrible for me,harassed me,bullied me and I had to play classclown.
This also was the time,when more and more Spirit i had in past was melting away diminishing away now. I lost my Spirit,somehow I was conscious about that,but couldnt do anything against it.
I got depressions anxiety disorders and that stuff.
When out of School,I had to make appenticeship as a cleaner/building cleaner,which wasnt good time at all.
There was harassing and I was much to slow,and didnt like to go to work,not only was i the work itself,but also the collaugues at work were exhausting and hard to bear.In this time I was often strong following on "Michael Laitman Kabballah" in www.,because wanted to know whats the meaning of life.
This was the first time when it got me into psychiatry(2 months) because of severe depression and anxiety.
They gave me prescrption drugs there,and I took them pretty Long.Some 4 years later,it got me again to psychiatry for some months,this time because of very unpleasant panic-attacks.It was the time when beginning with reading the wave series. Also this was the time when I got more serious physical ilnesses/issues too.

Currently I m living in an apartment-sharing and working as car-carer.

Of course this is not the whole Story about my cirumstances,its something of an overview of some events occuring in my live

There were/and are just so many things screwed up in my life

One of my biggest issues/life tasks are to find out:
1.Who I am
3.whats the meaning of life
4.how to die fast without pain
2.What to do to never,never reincarnate again,since this seems a neverending trap/time loop at least to me,since there is strange sense in me of having lived thousands of thousands of times already,maybe some in parallel worlds.

Seriously,it would be no problem for me being dead,if there would only be something like a switch,a button,which can be switched off immediately.

I m sorry,if this was to much,its not my intent to make noise at all.

Hello nyvf5


Nice to see that you have decided to do the next step for "the work".
I'm curious to see what responses comes to your post.

Hello nyvf5,
What you write is concerning. Please understand that an online forum is not equipped to deal with serious issues like what you describe. I would suggest that you seek competent medical care and professional counselling. I wish you well.

Hi nyvf5,

I encourage You to first consult Your internal suffering with good psychologist. If You are not afraid to die then You should not be afraid to ask for professional help either :)?
You said important facts:

1. You have desire to know
2. You suffer
3. You do not like the state in which You are now
4. You started to interact here on this Forum for some reason
5. You started to implement some changes in Your life for some reason



Question "who am I" is basic question for all. But I do not know who am I. We know only to some extent.

We know that we are.

We start to know who we are by our actions. We learn it through our interaction with reality, with other people.


Sometimes we even do not notice that we are - being busy with things to do in our life, busy with dealing with our thoughts, feelings etc. I am talking about myself.



I see the question You posted about "know-how" about dying.
You have some reason to think about it.
Do You think that ending Your life in way You want is solution to You?
Maybe yes maybe no but how do You know that?
How do You know?
Sometimes we feel bad for a long time. How do we know what for we are suffering? What is the meaning of this suffering?
Switch? Maybe there is. Even if You find it and You know that it is all Your decision would not You like to try to do something? If You can end Your life You may also end Your life trying to do something?
How little seed may decide for the tree in the future? How do You know why You came on this Earth? How can You be sure that there is no meaning in Your life? What is the meaning of Your life?
If You just assume then You have to check it. You know: scientific method :). You make hypothesis and then verify it. You do it because life is able to be understood. We know that thing in pieces (from my perspective).
Important question is: what is reality? Maybe You may find examples that Your presence, Your actions are already appreciated by somebody.
Even if You cannot - appreciate it Yourself. Appreciate Your suffering, that You are still alive and still capable of doing something, that You may still discover what is the sense of this all. Whatever You may think about end of life it is for sure an end. We do not know what we are able to do anywhere else except present time and present place. NOW. You are here and now and You are able to do. Everything You assume about future life is assumption. - not real. Reality is here where You are now. Reality is also what You want and what You decide. Decisions are real.

Question about meaning of own life is also close to me. One day I was in really bad shape and I felt like my life is becoming kind of dream, where I am merely observer and things started to fade to illusion. I even started to question my own senses and my own certainty of existence of things. I statred to even question whether I exist...? But then I came to the point of DECISION. The first decision is if You want to live or not. Even if You find a bit hope in Yourself and it seems to me that You got it it is a lifebuoy which may take You back to life. You may not understand what is life how it works, who are You what for are You here but if You continue to live, develop, absorb knowledge, make changes in Your life, all those thousand small steps which seems like leeding nowhere, maybe You will be able to see some sens in what You did. Maybe You do not have experienced it Yourself but at least there are some other people who gone through dire difficulties, survived it and lived their lives more happy, more full.

Trust Your hope. Trust - it is also Your decision. Hope will not give You understanding yet but will at least give You motivation to choose Your aim.



Suffering. Sometimes this seems to us as meaningless. Pure nonsense.
But is it?
There are hundreds of examples of people who after their own suffering were able to share their knowledge about what they learned with other people and were of great service to others. Take Laura for example - have You read "Amazing grace"? Or maybe Louise L. Hay own story? Or maybe Marie Balter and her story described in her book "Nobody's child"? Or maybe story of Byron Katie?
What more - if You look around You will notice a lot of people who are suffering also. Some people dying and suffering a lot for example in hospices. Little children.



Analogy to dying: A tree. First there is a seed. Lays in the ground for "some time". Then it dies. There is no more seed, there is a sprout. The same life but different in its action. Seed is only absorbing water, heat and waits passively for good circumstances. Sprout is making action - slowly going through the ground towards light. Grows. There is some desire to have more light and more nutrients from the ground therefore it is having first leaf and root. It all grows in time. And it is constantly changing. Little sprout shortly after the seed was broken is, one may say, completely different thing after few weeks - it resembles more of a plant now. It is kind of dying - each moment it is growing so when You compare what You saw last month with what You see now will not be the same so where is this plant You knew - it is gone, it is not the same but still same life, bigger and stronger one in front of You . Tiny sprout if would like to stop and not grow, if would not like to pierce and push the ground will never realize its potential. As a tiny little sprout it is also very vulnerable. It is good to grow. Growth makes it strong. After few years it becomes a tree. But development is not ended. It may become huge tree some day which will accommodate plenty of different lives on its branches, will give food for animals, birds, bugs and will give oxygen for other living creatures.



Meaning of life - I would like to know it also :). "Life is real only then when I am" - have You read it?

Wish You all the best and find professional help!

nyvf5 said:

After just having screwed up my 12th attempt for life-long ketogenic diet after 3 weeks,I decided to write a bit about my situation(hopefully its not "making noise"?)
getting 26 in few weeks,I still dont know who I am

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Perhaps it would be better to go paleo rather than ketogenic if you are struggling? Take smaller steps :)
I had no idea who I was at 26, it's pretty normal.
That you are able to ask that question says something positive about who you are.

nyvf5 said:

[..]
There were/and are just so many things screwed up in my life

One of my biggest issues/life tasks are to find out:
1.Who I am
3.whats the meaning of life
4.how to die fast without pain
2.What to do to never,never reincarnate again,since this seems a neverending trap/time loop at least to me,since there is strange sense in me of having lived thousands of thousands of times already,maybe some in parallel worlds.

Seriously,it would be no problem for me being dead,if there would only be something like a switch,a button,which can be switched off immediately.

I m sorry,if this was to much,its not my intent to make noise at all.

Click to expand...

It sounds like you have been and are going through tough times.
It also sounds like you are in a great deal of pain to be considering such things.

obyvatel said:

Hello nyvf5,
What you write is concerning. Please understand that an online forum is not equipped to deal with serious issues like what you describe. I would suggest that you seek competent medical care and professional counselling. I wish you well.

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Agreed. I think working out how to deal with the obviouse levels of pain in a healthy way through councelling/therapy would be very helpful.
You may want to look into Dialectical behavior therapy.

_http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a therapy designed to help people change patterns of behavior that are not effective, such as self-harm, suicidal thinking and substance abuse. This approach works towards helping people increase their emotional and cognitive regulation by learning about the triggers that lead to reactive states and helping to assess which coping skills to apply in the sequence of events, thoughts, feelings and behaviors that lead to the undesired behavior. DBT assumes that people are doing the best that they can, but either are lacking the skills or are influenced by positive or negative reinforcement that interfere with one’s functioning.

[..]

Distress tolerance[edit]
Many current approaches to mental health treatment focus on changing distressing events and circumstances such as dealing with the death of a loved one, loss of a job, serious illness, terrorist attacks and other traumatic events.[11] They have paid little attention to accepting, finding meaning for, and tolerating distress. This task has generally been tackled by psychodynamic, psychoanalytic, gestalt, or narrative therapies, along with religious and spiritual communities and leaders. Dialectical behavior therapy emphasizes learning to bear pain skillfully.

Distress tolerance skills constitute a natural development from DBT mindfulness skills. They have to do with the ability to accept, in a non-evaluative and nonjudgmental fashion, both oneself and the current situation. Since this is a non-judgmental stance, this means that it is not one of approval or resignation. The goal is to become capable of calmly recognizing negative situations and their impact, rather than becoming overwhelmed or hiding from them. This allows individuals to make wise decisions about whether and how to take action, rather than falling into the intense, desperate, and often destructive emotional reactions that are part of borderline personality disorder.[10]

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I hope this is of some help.

One of my biggest issues/life tasks are to find out:
1.Who I am
3.whats the meaning of life
4.how to die fast without pain
2.What to do to never,never reincarnate again,since this seems a neverending trap/time loop at least to me,since there is strange sense in me of having lived thousands of thousands of times already,maybe some in parallel worlds.

Click to expand...

Thats not one question (issue) those are four however my advice below consolidates them into just two.

I am going to give some advice from my level. Take it or leave it or take a little of it and leave a little...whatever:

Who I am and the meaning of life might very well be one and the same. There may not be one umbrella meaning of life for all 9 billion plus people on this earth there can be individual meaning and finding out who you truly are might be that specific one for you. It takes time and experimentation to figure out. Doing the work here can safely expedite the process using knowledge of yourself and life for protection learning from mistakes (lessons) and becoming more efficient. Be kind with yourself mistakes (lessons) are painful to us as humans definitly in the beginning of the learning. The C's apologize for this but it happens to EVERYONE - EE helps heal/calm your emotions and mental stress. Remember Every situation is different so I really can't comment objectivity any more on this as far as what you should do its for you to figure out but you have help.

Your next two questions how to die fast without pain and how to never reincarnate again work off each other. If you commit suicide you will not have learned all your lessons (most likely) here in 3D so you will reincarnate again. So don't do that. Also about your last question you chose to reincarnate here to learn certain objective universal truths/learn about this reality. The truth is in a lifetime there is loss, emotional pain and maybe physical but there is also also fun joy and excitement. Happiness is a person thing IMO no step for step guide to it its for you to figure out. Gathering these positive and negative experiences, knowledge about yourself and life you can eventually work on setting up a reality for yourself here in 3D that is towards your liking. However this takes work as for as THE WORK is concerned and it will take work as far as life is concerned eanrning money, shelter, paying bills, responsibilites and what have you.

You can find tons of information on this site and in the recommended books about working on yourself and how to come close to one I. As well as other information about "The meaning of life". There is also information on this site to help you figure out objectivity of life and to help you navigate through life "better". Also ideas and information about reincarnation and how to progress so you don't reincarnate here and move up.

At the end of your life you could accomplish coming close to or even finding out your one I. Find out your person meaning of life, learn your lessons and die in your sleep...

Sometimes I have the same questions in my mind...for me I'Ts so little the happiness or short, even if you are in a good
state..even if you have good humor! And even that I already read the C's sessions, and a lot of Laura KNIGHT material since 2009...
and I must said that this is one of the most interesting, and I'm always impress of the vast information they give...and I'm thankfull for all this...really they unleash so many wrong beliefs ....I still have the
feeling that we are in a game, and I think the C's are 'good guys' BUT they play inside the universe that still is the matrix......I know that
everything is a lesson..but sometimes it looks the lesson to implanted and set up, that looks and it feels funny, like a scratch disc.......feels like a video game or a soap tv series..in our world and we are the players...and depends of the way they want you to play they manipulate
the scenario with other people around you..(players).....and If you don't want to play anymore that same game they punish you , because i'ts not your will, that count, is there will...it feels and it looks like a prison definitely.... :( We make mistakes and is not a relief...knowing
the things I know now....they just want action...to entertainment....we are naive...and we fall....in this situation, and still they need us
to take more lessons.....
I know that I'm not helping here...but I just wanted to say it.... .....and express how I feel ,,,,

Sometimes I have the same questions in my mind...for me I'Ts so little the happiness or short, even if you are in a good
state..even if you have good humor! And even that I already read the C's sessions, and a lot of Laura KNIGHT material since 2009...
and I must said that this is one of the most interesting, and I'm always impress of the vast information they give...and I'm thankfull for all this...really they unleash so many wrong beliefs ....I still have the
feeling that we are in a game, and I think the C's are 'good guys' BUT they play inside the universe that still is the matrix......I know that
everything is a lesson..but sometimes it looks the lesson to implanted and set up, that looks and it feels funny, like a scratch disc.......feels like a video game or a soap tv series..in our world and we are the players...and depends of the way they want you to play they manipulate
the scenario with other people around you..(players).....and If you don't want to play anymore that same game they punish you , because i'ts not your will, that count, is there will...it feels and it looks like a prison definitely.... We make mistakes and is not a relief...knowing
the things I know now....they just want action...to entertainment....we are naive...and we fall....in this situation, and still they need us
to take more lessons.....
I know that I'm not helping here...but I just wanted to say it.... .....and express how I feel ,,,,

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I think the C's are 'good guys' BUT they play inside the universe that still is the matrix

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- Ok so...They are at higher level can make your current level easier for you.

I know that
everything is a lesson..but sometimes it looks the lesson to implanted and set up, that looks and it feels funny, like a scratch disc.......feels like a video game or a soap tv series

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- Ok so...When you feel this, think, observe, feel your situation what is it you are suppose to learn how can you protect yourself to come out with knowledge and emotionally, mentally and physically unharmed

and If you don't want to play anymore that same game they punish you , because i'ts not your will, that count, is there will...it feels and it looks like a prison definitely.... We make mistakes and is not a relief...knowing
the things I know now....they just want action...to entertainment....we are naive...and we fall....in this situation, and still they need us
to take more lessons.....

Click to expand...

... Its not that you are not helping you just may be wrong or going about this the wrong way. Gaining knowledge is not a "relief" type of thing you may want it to be but its not. Its for protection/information so you can actually do and become more efficient/safer in life. I feel that you have been through some lessons and are starting to see objectivity and its not what you want and you are upset hence the overly negative post. Instead of making these statement based on negative feelings maybe it would suit you better to ask questions from a more balanced view point. Otherwise you will be covered in negativity and you will be venting/complaining. There is an energy to this venting/complaining and when you vent/complain the energy is released or you are playing with it so you feel like you have done something you feel accomplishment but you havent accomplished anything except serving yourself in a negative way. You will be stuck in this vent/complain feel better rinse and repeat until you strive to sincerly ask questions and doing the work to learn how to achieve balance...You may just have the wrong perception or a more negative perception then a balanced one. Some people say remain positive just remain positive. I say remain balanced because there is no denying there is negativity here but its not all negative. I am not attacking you just commenting on what you write from my level. I complain and vent too but recently more and more I feel a negative feeding energy I have stopped other feeding habits but this is one I need to continue to work on.

Yes there are laws that we are under like gravity humans can't fly but thats like saying I can't fly and there are other things I can't do under these universal laws why try? Why learn? why do anything? Its a childish way of thinking about it IMO. If a parent gives a child alittle peice of chocolet and the child sees the whole chocolate bar on the table it then throws the little peice on the floor and thinks if I can't have it all I don't want it. Instead of savering and enjoying what the child has. Then learning how to talk to the parent so they can get a bigger piece, perform work for the whole bar or make money so they can buy the whole thing themselves. Yes we are under laws and might not physically and mentally do whatever we wish but there are many thing to be discovered and learned. You chose to be here on some level.

Thank you so much Menna for taking the time to answer ...I really appreciate what you think on this matter, and yes I'm feeling negative...sometimes ...regarding some matters of my life....Have to look in a more mature way......my best regards for you....:)

It seems like your list cannot be completed at all since completing one scenario would eliminate the possibility of the others.
For example: How can you die fast without pain and not reincarnate, but at the same time discover who you are?
You can't figure out who you are if you're dead and never reincarnate, and likewise if you did figure out who you are or the meaning of life then you might not want to die at all.
But why would you not take action in this life to come as close to knowing who you are so that you don't have to figure it out later.
I can see how reincarnation could seem to be the equivalent of hell to some and have had that thought myself but for those enjoying their lives it may look completely different.
How do I know what my past or future lives were like. I'd imagine I've lived through some awful events but there were probably many good ones as well.
Growing is painful especially when we're still in the mud and don't even know where the first step out is. Its a process that goes from realization to doing with a long struggle in between.
Even when we feel we've got a hold on something sturdy we often lose our grip again and again but picking ourselves up gets easier the more we do it.
Eventually you do get somewhere and sometimes you don't even realize anything has changed until you look back at who you were before you began.
It's a slow process but we start from where we are and you may not know where you are going but if you see a need for change in your life then figure out what that change is and take action.

Menna said:

Yes there are laws that we are under like gravity humans can't fly but thats like saying I can't fly and there are other things I can't do under these universal laws why try? Why learn? why do anything? Its a childish way of thinking about it IMO. If a parent gives a child alittle peice of chocolet and the child sees the whole chocolate bar on the table it then throws the little peice on the floor and thinks if I can't have it all I don't want it. Instead of savering and enjoying what the child has. Then learning how to talk to the parent so they can get a bigger piece, perform work for the whole bar or make money so they can buy the whole thing themselves. Yes we are under laws and might not physically and mentally do whatever we wish but there are many thing to be discovered and learned. You chose to be here on some level.

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And sometimes you find the work that went in to getting that chocolate bar was a reward in itself.