a bit befuddled right now...

[abstract]

hey so i hope someone can help with this, im sure everyone has their personal problems and such, but my situation has me absolutely baffled...im very depressed, funny thing is that it's a kind of depression that isn't causing me constant emotional pain, i don't feel sad, in fact i don't feel much of anything, i have plenty of energy and everything, i'm not having suicidal thoughts, but i cannot muster the will or motivation to get anything done. i've been unemployed for a while, and i really need to get off my butt and find a job, but everytime i think about it, any attempt i make to just get out and do it feels like a waste of time, and not just the job searching but most things feel that way to me now. i also feel a certain kind of massive boredom towards my everyday life, things that used to seem like fun now just seem pointless. it seems the only time i actually feel happy these days is when i'm increasing my knowledge level in some way. i'm in some sort of weird rut and i just need to figure out how to get out of it. it might be something very simple, it might not be. i should be able to just do normal things, i don't have any major health problems preventing me from activity, i really can't tell why i should be feeling this way. i will say that i am beginning to practice laura's breathing exercise/meditation program and i hope this will help me clear out some emotional garbage, i think the fact that i spent so many years bottling things up has alot to do with how i'm feeling right now. if anyone has a solution or something to offer i'd greatly appreciate. (and there's no blame to anyone who wants to tell me i'm just being childish and i should just get over it but i must say that "getting over it' is easier said than done.)

 

[T.C.]

Hi abstract

I've been thinking about the quote from don Juan where he says, "the predator gave us their mind".

Your apathy may be a default state, but I don't think it's a natural state. It's a state that has been created in you through your life experiences.

Why would the predator give us their mind? Because of our potential; to nip that in the bud. They put into us a personality that renders us useless in the grand scheme.

Makes me angry.

 

[Turgon]

Hi Abstract,

I can relate to your feelings in regards to finding a job. I lost my job at the beginning of September and sometimes feel exactly how you do in regards to work.

i cannot muster the will or motivation to get anything done. i've been unemployed for a while, and i really need to get off my butt and find a job, but everytime i think about it, any attempt i make to just get out and do it feels like a waste of time, and not just the job searching but most things feel that way to me now. i also feel a certain kind of massive boredom towards my everyday life, things that used to seem like fun now just seem pointless.

This boredom may come from the fact that you aren't taking any steps towards finding a job, therefore, stagnation may be kicking in. Possibly momentum needs to be built up towards going out there and looking for a job, and I think for that you need a reason. You can gain a reason by taking a look at your situation from a different perspective. Such as; how are you maintaining yourself, will you be able to continue on like this, does someone else need to take care of bills, costs of living, etc, in your place (therefore putting additional strain on them - which would be a lack of external consideration). http://www.cassiopedia.org/glossary/External_and_Internal_Considering

If you are healthy and can work, then you need to start taking steps towards finding work. Start off by updating your resume as an immediate goal. Then search for sites where you can apply online, next step start applying. Little steps, everyday, or every other day that will get you to start DOing. Eventually, when you work up the courage again, you can spend a day, take a number of resumes with you, and apply in person. You'll be able to get out of the house, meet new people, build momentum.

That's my take on it, for what it's worth. :)

 

[Renaissance]

You certainly sound depressed - there's a lot of variations of depression so don't let the lack of sadness fool you. Emotional problems can start or be amplified by diet, so I'd definitely suggest checking out the diet and health forum and get on the detox diets along with getting some of the supplements suggested. It might not completely solve you depression but it would likely as least give you a boost. Give a read through the stickies of the health forum and you'll see how much diet can affect these things, even if you don't have any obvious health problems. I've had dysthymia (constant low level depression) for most of my adult live and I've found my diet has a huge impact on that. If there are underlying emotional issues, you'll want to clear up the physical gunk first to get to be able to get to them.

 

[Buddy]

...but i cannot muster the will or motivation to get anything done. i've been unemployed for a while, and i really need to get off my butt and find a job, but everytime i think about it, any attempt i make to just get out and do it feels like a waste of time, and not just the job searching but most things feel that way to me now.

Hi abstract. DanielS makes a good point. There's no 'easy' way to Work at anything, but there is some help if you want to do this Work. If you just make a non-revocable choice to do just one small step of a wider plan, like DanielS suggested, then as soon as you go in motion, the Universe sees your commitment and will move to help you. But be patient as you go about your business and don't expect any particular payoff, in any particular time frame so that no path to you gets closed off.

Los makes good points about diet, as well.

Just my 2 cents, fwiw

If you are healthy and can work, then you need to start taking steps towards finding work. Start off by updating your resume as an immediate goal. Then search for sites where you can apply online, next step start applying. Little steps, everyday, or every other day that will get you to start DOing. Eventually, when you work up the courage again, you can spend a day, take a number of resumes with you, and apply in person. You'll be able to get out of the house, meet new people, build momentum.

 

[RedFox]

Hi Abstract

i don't have any major health problems preventing me from activity

You might want to check out the diet and health section, specifically the UltraMind quiz and Candida threads. Also try researching/removing gluten/wheat, dairy and sugar from your diet as much as possible (if not completely). These three alone can be major contributes to brain fog/apathy/depression, so can many other hidden food allergies. osit

*edit* Los beat me to it :)

 

[abstract]

i appreciate the comments...i think what deeply concerns me the most is that when i was a few years younger, it was like i had this internal fire burning in me...i was able to push myself to do anything, deal with anything, get through anything i saw as an obstacle, there was something in me that was getting me out of bed in the morning, keeping me going to a job that i hated doing, keeping me able to push through and get what i needed from life, a little voice that kept saying: 'don't worry, just put up with this crap for now, it's all working for a greater purpose" and one day, it seems like that little voice dwindled and disappeared. it's not there anymore. i WANT to make good decisions for myself and others, it seems i have this huge problem with making up my mind...choosing between yes and no...i've had difficulty with that my whole life. the first time i read about gurdjieff's concept of crystallizing, i am curious if have crystallized on some improper foundation (i could be way off track) and when he says that when one improperly crystallizes that he "must be melted down" and start over again, i feel this might be something neccessary for me, the melting down, but i cannot lie i am DEEPLY afraid of what that might mean for me. it is funny that T.C. mentioned the word "apathy". many people view me as being an apathetic person, i've been that way most of my life. i didn't get REALLY apathetic until i started the process of tearing away the illusions of the world. when you believe jesus is gonna come save you for 17 years and then find out it was mostly a gigantic lie, i must ask WHAT ELSE can be expected of a person who begins seeing the world more objectively? i will definately check out this diet stuff and do the breathing program tonite.

 

[samii]

Hi Abstract, you just described me, and you just gave yourself the answer

the only time i actually feel happy these days is when i'm increasing my knowledge

So yes learn as much as you can because all there is is lesons

 

[Gertrudes]

Abstract, you have already been given good advice, I will add a few words as well.

Years ago, I went through a major depression and the first stages were very similar to (what I also interpreted to be) the apathy you describe. As yourself, years of bottling things up led to those apathetic feelings, and later profound anger.
I am not sure if what happended to me after was the melting Gurdjieff mentioned...well, it sure felt like I was being torn from the inside out, as if my own self was being taken from inside my body, shaken and then replaced. But what I can tell you from this experience, is that running away from whatever might be coming up for you, being that a possible melting of crystallization is, on the long term, infinitely worse then accepting it.

i think the fact that i spent so many years bottling things up has alot to do with how i'm feeling right now.

Years of bottling up are already a form of protection, and I would risk saying of running away from something, which might mean simply suppressing feelings. Often we have no choice then to "run away" because at the time of the event or whatever might be the issue, we don't know better then doing so, we have no knowledge of how to handle it. Often we accept things detrimental to us, also because we don't know better. And such events will lead to shattered selves built over the wrong foundations.

i didn't get REALLY apathetic until i started the process of tearing away the illusions of the world. when you believe jesus is gonna come save you for 17 years and then find out it was mostly a gigantic lie, i must ask WHAT ELSE can be expected of a person who begins seeing the world more objectively?

I question that myself, what else?... If you are tearing away the illusion, feelings of profound disappointment might be expected. Apathy is often a mask for disappointment, although now I am purely speculating on applying this to you.
However, during the process of tearing away illusions you will need time to heal the wounds created in the process, and time for the healed wounds to become the scars of your personal history, and with time new foundations will be built. Integrating the knowledge you have just acquired and that contradicts many of the things you have believed so far might take such a process, but a very worthy one in my opinion! ;)

I don't know if this helps, but For what its worth, take it as something from someone who went through something similar and would not take back any step of the "healing/building new beliefs" process!

 

[abstract]

that is very helpful gertrudes, i haven't ever been able to talk to anyone seriously about any of this stuff because most of the people i know are still stuck in their illusions. this make it very hard to communicate when other people do not understand or have ever heard of the concepts of those such as don jaun, gurdjieff and the rest. you all have given good advice and affirmations, the only other pressing issue is this (and then maybe i'll stop whining so much):
as a male it is implicated by society that we are not supposed to cry. we are taught that emotions in men is a sign of weakness. we are told verbally and nonverbally from a young age not to make emotional displays of any kind, at least in public, and i could go on and on, the point is, i have wanted to cry for a long time. like many others i have bottled this up for too long. even if i conciously want to cry, and very hard i might add, there is always that dumb voice: "what is there to cry about, you f***** baby? what do you need to cry for? you just need to suck it up and be a man!!" and for a minute i argue with this voice, i say why won't you let me cry? but it is not just about crying, i have a general problem expressing myself to other people in person. i've never had a problem when the interaction is non personal (i.e. internet, writing) but something about dealing with people face to face just seems unappealing. but i have done enough talking about my personal problems. i don't mean to burden anyone with my personal crap, but then again no one is being forced to give me advice. in fact, everyone is totally free to ignore me if they want, LOL. but thanks guys, i feel better already.

 

[henry]

Been there, too, with all the programming that men aren't suppose to cry, we're suppose to hold it all in. Add to that the narcissistic programming we get in our families... well, it is amazing that any of us are able to function.

Have you started doing the Éiriú Eolas breathing programme? From my experience, and that of many members of the forum, the EE programme is a powerful tool in helping you get in contact with those emotions. If you start to do the pipe breathing and meditation every day, and do the entire programme Mondays and Thursdays, I think you'll be surprised at the results.

Also, the detox programme outlined in the Diet and Health section of the forum will also help. All of it is interconnected. Becoming aware of how the foods we eat affect our mental, physical and emotional make-up is a real eye-opener. We are poisoned by our foods, we are poisoned by the TV we watch, the films we see. In order to detoxify ourselves, we have to work on many fronts at once. But starting with the breathing/meditation and the diet suggests is a good place to start.

 

[Gertrudes]

Have you also checked the 5 Psychology/Narcissism books from this http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=4718.0 (recommended books from QFS) thread?
So far I still have 2 to read, but the 3 I read were, for me, a real eye opener... Dealing with suppressed emotions which we all have up to a certain degree, is far from being an easy task.

 

[Leo40]

Hi, Abstract:

You might consider volunteering in a field you really like. It will allow you to network
and who knows where this may lead.
Also there may be some government sponsored training programs. It is always good to
have as many skills as possible, especially practical ones.

Wishing you all the best.
Leo40

 

[herondancer]

Hi Leo,

My thought too. Volunteering is an excellent way to try out new potential careers and do some good at the same time. There are never enough volunteers. It may also help you abstract, to find a way back to some of your emotions, if only for a short while. Could you sit and read for a short time to an old person who no longer sees? Or help at your local library with the kids reading groups that may be there? Food banks always need help, and they don't care if you are only there for an hour. It's an hour they appreciate.

Just some thoughts. The books, diet, and breathing will start to move things for you. It's good you are digging into you psyche so deeply, but sometime you need to pop up and look outside yourself for a while. It's about balance after all. :)

Herondancer

 

[Laura]

abstract, in addition to trying the breathing/meditation program and perhaps reading Mark Hyman's book "The UltraMind Solution", you might also consider professional counseling. We are not psychologists here even if we have a number of them (and other medical persons) as forum members. We are not qualified to diagnose or advise someone who is really having a struggle with their thoughts/moods. If the basic approaches that work for basically healthy people don't work for you, then you do need to consult a professional. I would just suggest avoiding the Freudian types. There are many good psychologists and having a real, live, person to talk to has many advantages over a forum!