A Recent Correspondence

[FireShadow]

I am a jewelry artist and run an online shop under a different username/identity. In the course of that pursuit, people email me about my work. Most, of course, are casual inquiries.

Occasionally, one will turn into an ongoing correspondence. One such correspondence recently took a decidedly odd turn.

"J" has been writing to me for some months, mostly asking questions about how to get started on making and selling online and about the particular craft I do. There have been a couple of signs that "J" may be the type to "get attached", like a fan that is a bit too adoring or someone with few boundaries...She named one of her calves after me and asks me things like "was it a dumb idea that I did..." I have tried to answer questions in a professional but aloof manner. My aim is to remain helpful, but not encourage unhealthy attachments.

Last week, I received a series of emails from her. I have sat on this a few days, thinking it over. I felt a bit disturbed by one of her revelations and am not sure I am dealing with her appropriately. My feelings may be obscuring my objectivity. Any thoughts would be welcome.

(emphasis, mine)

"J" -

"I thought that at one time I read on your blog that you studied psychology. Is this correct?"

Me -

Yes

I felt a bit hesitant, curious as to why this question seemingly out of the blue.

"J" -

What can you tell me about a sociopath? My sister thinks that our brother is one.

That got my attention. Interestingly I have been reading Political Ponerology...

Me -

Oh boy. Sociopaths. Psychopaths. And those with Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Some professionals make a distinction between them, some don't. The bottom line is that none of them seem to have the ability for empathy. They don't have a conscience. They don't feel the pain of another. Some are quite charming and clever. Some not so much. Mostly they just use others for their own purposes. There is a wide variety of ways they do this. So, I don't really know where to start. And, some non-psychopaths do some of the same, so...

I think that rather than focus on a "label" for him, why don't you just look at behavior. What does he do? Why do you need a label? What would you do about it if he were psychopathic? What would you do if he is not? Does it really make a difference?

Here is an interesting link on the subject:
http://www.cassiopedia.org/glossary/Psychopathy

"J" -

My sister was the one who started this, and she's the one who was looking for a label. I meant to ask you about this after her and I talked. She had read online about some of the differences between them (can't remember the site), and that sociopaths can't be helped with medication, etc., and it's best that you don't let that person know that you know what they are (I guess that's the "clever" part in them). She doesn't live near me (out of state), but she is always concerned that he is going to do something to harm someone, mostly because he does use people for his own purposes, and he does not care what the consequences are. He thinks that everything is about him, and no one else matters. The main difference is he has two little kids, one is a few months old, but I don't think he'd ever do anything to harm them. In fact, he's really good with my niece since she is old enough to understand a lot of things.

He will stop by my house (while I'm milking) on occasion, because he has to drive past since he has a job requiring him to be in his car--he does special pick-ups, and deliveries that can't be sent by normal freight (one of his stops supplies pig hearts to use for valve replacements in humans, and they need to go to the airport). Lately, whenever he stops, he is on some kind of power trip, and that he is king of the world, and everything in it belongs to him. That's no joke.

I could probably think of more, but I know you have work to do, and don't have time to deal with silly stuff like this. I just wanted you to enlighten me. Thanks for reading this.

Take care,

Me -

Not a problem to read this. Sounds like you have a handle on the situation. You seem aware of his behaviors, and the good sense to not provoke him. As far as I know, there is no medication for this. Some are caused by genetics (even perhaps recessive genes). Those are the true psychopaths. They are just not wired like everyone else. Some are characteropaths and were created either by brain damage from disease (like mumps, etc) and some are created by a bad environment. Not all are violent, but it is hard to tell sometimes if a specific psychopath will be or not. A rare few can be helped by long term psychotherapy, but few are motivated to do this work as they do not see that there is anything wrong with them. I have personally known of one who worked hard to maintain normalcy. Still he could not really feel empathy, he had to intellectualize it.

The thing to do is what you are already doing. Be aware. Personally, psychopaths make me nervous. I was once in a relationship with one and he scared me. (NOT the one I mentioned above that worked to overcome it). I had to be willing to die in order to get away from him.

"J" -

Thank you very much for this info, as it has helped a lot. I guess sometimes I do provoke him, but not in a way to make him violent. He just rattles my chains when he shows up (by saying that the world is coming to an end, and he is going to rule over all, to say the least), and I can't help myself because I will argue with him. I've been told to just ignore him, but I can't because it is my nature to argue. Sorry. He makes me so mad sometimes that I'd just like to choke off his air supply long enough to get him to shut up. He makes others mad too. He has a CB radio, and you can just use your imagination of the kinds of things he will say to agitate people. Sorry to hear that you had to personally deal with a psychopath. How different is a characteropath from a sociopath? Because if a bad environment can cause some of this, well, that may be the answer. We grew up with a violent alcoholic father. He doesn't drink anymore, but the emotional scars are still there. Now he tries to do everything he can to get our forgiveness.

This sent a chill down my spine. I wonder, how aware is he? Is he affiliated with someone who is making promises to him? I did not want to jump to conclusions and I did not want to give away my suspicions, so I questioned carefully.

Me -

The difference between the types is not enough to matter. A violent alcoholic father can indeed cause such a person as your brother to be damaged. However, not everyone with such a childhood turns out the same way. We all make choices in how we respond. Some turn anger outward, some inward. Some identify with the person of power (i.e. the violent father), some identify with the victim. Those that identify with power, tend to take everything out on others. Those who identify with the victim role, try to please others and often become victimized again.

Does your brother say anything more specific about the end of the world and his ruling over it? I ask because I think we are headed for quite a difficult time and a lot of what we know may be destroyed. For example, the economy may be collapsing now. We would then have some rioting, etc. Maybe even martial law will be declared (depending on how violent people get). Some people try to grab power when there is chaos. Your brother may be one of those.
I don't want to alarm you. Just be aware and pay attention. Everything may work out fine.
All we can do is what we can do.

"J" -

He identifies with power, and yes, he is kind of specific about the end of the world. He thinks that the chaos part is great.

I guess what would help me elaborate (about my brother) is whether or not you believe in a higher power. If you do, then I might be able to explain, otherwise it will just be meaningless to you because you won't know what I am talking about.

I needed this information on my brother because I would like to know the best way to deal with him.

I can't remember specifics because I think the info was on your web page that got "lost" when you had problems with the server. How much of a background do you have in psychology? I took a semester in high school because, we had to take one of three classes besides government, which was a requirement. I've been out of school a long time, so I don't remember much, but I was very fascinated with the subject.

Me -

I am not sure what I believe. However, I have explored various religions and theologies. "Higher Power" is familiar to me.

I majored in psychology in college, however, I only completed 2 years (got an Associates Degree in Psychology). Due to my abusive stepmother and that psychopath I mentioned, I have been fascinated with psychology as well. I have done some reading on my own as a result. I was a counselor for 10 years at various halfway houses for persons with substance abuse issues as well as mental illnesses. I spent 3 years working for Child Protective Services as a Social Service Worker.

I think the best way to deal with him is to not be around him unless you have to. If you have to be near him, I suggest you continue to do as you have been - do your best to not provoke him. Just keep your eyes and ears open. Read. Use Google to do some research. The more you know, the better off you will be.

"J" -

I'll have to get back with you on the "Higher Power" thing. I don't have any more time to write tonight--gotta milk. So, I'll try again tomorrow.

You've been extremely helpful, and I'm sorry to have to taken up so much of your time.

And I have heard no more from her on this topic. I have had a couple of other business related emails from her, though. I feel a bit uneasy about the correspondence in general. Perhaps, I am overly paranoid. Then again, perhaps I am not paranoid enough...

 

[anart]

I feel a bit uneasy about the correspondence in general.  Perhaps, I am overly paranoid.  Then again, perhaps I am not paranoid enough...

Well, after reading the correspondence, I would have to agree that there is something 'off' about it.  I certainly don't want to jump to conclusions, but there is almost a 'stalking' quality about what this person has written to you. 

If you have never met this person face to face, please consider that everything they have told you could be a lie - heck it may even be that there is no 'brother'.  I'm not saying that is the case, but vigilance is important when dealing with internet correspondence.

I would have to weigh in on the side of you 'not being paranoid enough' in this scenario.  It is difficult to say why, but I would tread very carefully if I were you - though that is usually good advice in general. 

I'm not saying to go overboard on the paranoid scale, just keep in mind that there are several 'unknowns' here, so continue to stay vigilant.  ;)

 

[FireShadow]

Well, after reading the correspondence, I would have to agree that there is something 'off' about it. I certainly don't want to jump to conclusions, but there is almost a 'stalking' quality about what this person has written to you.

This also occurred to me, even before this series of emails. I did not mention it as I did not want to sound too paranoid. (foolish pride)

If you have never met this person face to face, please consider that everything they have told you could be a lie - heck it may even be that there is no 'brother'. I'm not saying that is the case, but vigilance is important when dealing with internet correspondence.

I would have to weigh in on the side of you 'not being paranoid enough' in this scenario. It is difficult to say why, but I would tread very carefully if I were you - though that is usually good advice in general.

I'm not saying to go overboard on the paranoid scale, just keep in mind that there are several 'unknowns' here, so continue to stay vigilant. ;)

You are right, vigilance is always a good idea. And, no, I have never met this person face to face.

Okay, now I think I am paranoid enough.

"J" said

"I thought that at one time I read on your blog that you studied psychology. Is this correct?"

and, "I can't remember specifics because I think the info was on your web page that got "lost" when you had problems with the server. How much of a background do you have in psychology?"

Something has been bugging me about this. I can't be sure because I don't remember everything that was lost, but I think that that information was not on that blog. I do have it on the blog I have connected to FireShadow. I have kept them separate because one is for business and one is for me.

Although, I have lately been "Stumbling" articles under my business identity and some that I have "Stumbled" were from my personal blog. Someone could, by a little study, figure out that FireShadow is that other username. Could this be a "slip" on her part?

She (I am presuming) recently ordered from me and is "paying by check". She says she does not yet have PayPal. Of course, I had to give her an address to which she could send the check.

Also, she uses flattery and apology quite a bit, which I see as manipulative (of course). I am careful to give the answers I would give anyone. Recently, she has offered me a gift of some earring parts.

Her story could be true. If true, a person growing up with a violent alcoholic father may very well end up with poor boundaries and may have a program leading them to "hero worship" type attitudes and to deal with others from a submisssive and apologetic manner. She could be unconscious of her manipulative behavior.

On the other hand... I will be vigilant.

 

[Lumasphere]

She (I am presuming) recently ordered from me and is "paying by check". She says she does not yet have PayPal. Of course, I had to give her an address to which she could send the check.

I don't wish to alarm you but, the transaction needing an address to send payment is certainly a way for a stalker to get to your destination and show up unannounced with a visit. If you don't get a return check for the order, be very suspicious and use extreme caution in the future. If you don't already, always use a post office PO box for business.

 

[FireShadow]

Update Re: A Recent Correspondence

I just want to provide an update in this saga.

I did receive the payment and sent her the item she ordered. She has continued to correspond with me by email. She reports that she is working on making some things to sell and wants tips on how to sell online. Since I offer my tips to any who ask, I answer her questions as well. So far, they all seem quite appropriate to the subject and are in line with questions asked by others in a similar situation.

She did send the earring parts, but I was uncomfortable with the imbalance of that gift. My experience is that sometimes, people use gifts to "tie a string" of obligation to someone. So, I sent her a small keychain I had made along with her order.

She has not mentioned her brother again...but, although I would like to hear more, I do not ask. I think I will play this by ear, remaining vigilant.