Am I being led?

[Zadius Sky]

My mind has been struggling with this…

Recently, I have read M. Stout's “The Sociopath Next Door." During the course of this reading, I came across "discerning (or telling the difference) a girl from boy" during the early years of one's life. I don’t know what page this line came from, since I don’t have the book with me at the moment. However, this line stood out to me and I don’t know why. I then thought, "hmm, interesting" and decided to make mental note of it. I never saw of this line before in my previous readings, or rather I have never took notice of it. In my early experience as a child, I don’t remember making this observation (but it might has to do with not remembering everything you did as a child). So, why is this line important?

After I have read Stout’s book, I then turned to read Gurdjieff’s "Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson" this morning. In his "The Arousing of Thought" chapter, I came across this:

So in this case I also must begin with something of the kind.

I say "of the kind," because in general in the process of my life, from the moment I began to distinguish a boy from a girl, I have always done everything, absolutely everything, not as it is done by other, like myself, biped destroyers of Nature’s good. Therefore, in writing now I ought, and perhaps am even on principle already obliged, to begin not as any other writer would.

This line, "from the moment I began to distinguish a boy from a girl," is the second time I noticed this within a week. I then cried. Am I really been led or influenced by the higher forces?

I have always noticed that, during the course of my life, each previous event was required for the next. Everything I have learned in one situation or lessons that I needed to learn in that one situation would help me in the next situation. Every situation or event was needed for me to learn to move up the next level, per se. (which might be why Death always said "do not regret") This applies to my readings and everything that I do now. I am constantly being aware of my surroundings as to "why am I here at this place and time?"

Last April (of 2007), I was in a discussion private group called "The Light Circle," on myspace group. Usually, every Sunday night, every member would meet at the circle (which takes place, during meditation, at certain location created by the group leader). Truthfully, I had trouble meeting the leader’s meditative technique. So, finally, one Sunday night, I went to the circle but much different experience than of other members. During one part of this experience that I had, I was chasing myself in the forest (both of us as kids). As I later related my experience to the leader of the group, he said to me: "So off you went chasing yourself. This is farewell to your innocence, Zelator, at least that of what you really are." At this, I did not know what the term "Zelator" was. So I looked it up on the internet, and I found Laura's "Wave" series (which brought me an understanding of STS/STO and other concepts, then I joined this SOTT forum). A few days later, I discussed the meaning of "Zelator" to the group leader, but then he suggested that my focus should not be on the Fool, but on the Chariot. I then stepped away from the group and ponder on my own. The Chariot represents struggle in some ways, but I was focusing on the whole "who is driving you" question. So, who is leading me on this path?

There is a nagging feeling that I am not in control of my life. That everything that I do has already been done or written. That my contracting meningitis as an infant (and my hearing loss was a result)…was intentional? The experience with meningitis alone had already shaped the course of my life. What if I never contracted it? Therefore, a parallel universe was created (where I never contracted the meningitis), but I will never get to experience that universe while I am here. What is that life like?

Back to my nagging question: who leading me on this current path? Is it me or STS? Or rather is it the future "Us"?

 

[Bo]

My mind has been struggling with this…

Recently, I have read M. Stout's “The Sociopath Next Door." During the course of this reading, I came across "discerning (or telling the difference) a girl from boy" during the early years of one's life. I don’t know what page this line came from, since I don’t have the book with me at the moment. However, this line stood out to me and I don’t know why. I then thought, "hmm, interesting" and decided to make mental note of it. I never saw of this line before in my previous readings, or rather I have never took notice of it. In my early experience as a child, I don’t remember making this observation (but it might has to do with not remembering everything you did as a child). So, why is this line important?

After I have read Stout’s book, I then turned to read Gurdjieff’s "Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandson" this morning. In his "The Arousing of Thought" chapter, I came across this:

So in this case I also must begin with something of the kind.

I say "of the kind," because in general in the process of my life, from the moment I began to distinguish a boy from a girl, I have always done everything, absolutely everything, not as it is done by other, like myself, biped destroyers of Nature’s good. Therefore, in writing now I ought, and perhaps am even on principle already obliged, to begin not as any other writer would.

This line, "from the moment I began to distinguish a boy from a girl," is the second time I noticed this within a week. I then cried. Am I really been led or influenced by the higher forces?

I have always noticed that, during the course of my life, each previous event was required for the next. Everything I have learned in one situation or lessons that I needed to learn in that one situation would help me in the next situation. Every situation or event was needed for me to learn to move up the next level, per se. (which might be why Death always said "do not regret") This applies to my readings and everything that I do now. I am constantly being aware of my surroundings as to "why am I here at this place and time?"

Last April (of 2007), I was in a discussion private group called "The Light Circle," on myspace group. Usually, every Sunday night, every member would meet at the circle (which takes place, during meditation, at certain location created by the group leader). Truthfully, I had trouble meeting the leader’s meditative technique. So, finally, one Sunday night, I went to the circle but much different experience than of other members. During one part of this experience that I had, I was chasing myself in the forest (both of us as kids). As I later related my experience to the leader of the group, he said to me: "So off you went chasing yourself. This is farewell to your innocence, Zelator, at least that of what you really are." At this, I did not know what the term "Zelator" was. So I looked it up on the internet, and I found Laura's "Wave" series (which brought me an understanding of STS/STO and other concepts, then I joined this SOTT forum). A few days later, I discussed the meaning of "Zelator" to the group leader, but then he suggested that my focus should not be on the Fool, but on the Chariot. I then stepped away from the group and ponder on my own. The Chariot represents struggle in some ways, but I was focusing on the whole "who is driving you" question. So, who is leading me on this path?

There is a nagging feeling that I am not in control of my life. That everything that I do has already been done or written. That my contracting meningitis as an infant (and my hearing loss was a result)…was intentional? The experience with meningitis alone had already shaped the course of my life. What if I never contracted it? Therefore, a parallel universe was created (where I never contracted the meningitis), but I will never get to experience that universe while I am here. What is that life like?

Back to my nagging question: who leading me on this current path? Is it me or STS? Or rather is it the future "Us"?

Hi Zadius,

we are in a STS world, so the lizzies will try everything they can to keep us asleep, the will give you false memories, self pity etc.., STO is always there to guide you with inspirations if one really wants to know the truth and who knows maybe you are guiding yourself as well unconsciously, but like the C's said always expect attack, and keep our eyes open :)

what truly does matter zadius, is that you are here right now , that is what matters, you have asked for question and you have been lead to the C's they did show you the way, and from here we need to learn to guide ourself and we can go everywhere, I'm pretty sure our future selfs do help us sometimes if we really need it as in signs or inspirations, if we just do what we do we will probably be at the right place at the right time, and everyone that did come to this forum,the C's, had probably question on why they are here? everyone that was looking for answers was eventually lead to this forum(sadly there are also so many disinfo-forums which infect people that try to seek for true knowledge..), and sadly there will always be psychopaths to tell us how ''bad'' we are and etc...

and one of my favorite C quotes!

''Learning is fun!''