Am I under attack?

[nofretete1969]

More than a half year I suffer under destructive thoughts they suggest me a suicide.

Unfortunately I did it. For me this was an indication that I do not come out in such a way from the Marix.

For a better understanding about my life full of suffer und pain some descriptions.

My birth was an accident. In the first time I grow up whitout love und welfare service. My father left us early and married his current wife. I have a half brother who I do not know. The relationship with my father is strangely and coldly drawn of accused. My grandma accompanied my first years. After her dead my mother married her second man. I cant remember enough to the first. My mothers second husband was brutally and abused myself without reason. Nearly he have to kill me. I was never well enough.

This pulled and pulls themselves by my whole lives

An old story - I spent the rest of my youth in a children's home. I was rejected and avoided. Whitout good wishes the next period of life followed. I do here without further details but while others without large problems went by to live I have a lot of problems for a little satisfaction and peacefully life. I constantly become acquainted with the wrong men - the father of my children used me for his criminally business to looked like a smart man. Before he went in prison should I presented him as a affectionate familiy man. He was egoistically, drug-dependently, criminally and power possessed and smart and everyone favourite. His family despised me - until today my children do not have a contact to them. He never pay for his children (14, 17,17) and also spend no responsibility.

For six years ago when my life become a little better I lost my job after 13 years - mobbing. I found a hobby, diving. I Did this with passion.I felt healthy and fully in live. I was full plans for the future - two accidents take my passion. A long researche for reason presented an aneurysma on Arteria cerebri media. I could selecteds my procedure, I chose the more dangerous - directly in my head. I knew, I could also have died. Three days artificial coma on the intensive care unit told me somebody I wanted fo flee with all the strange equipment in my body.

After this I lost all my friends. Alone with my children - no familiy, no friends no prospect - this opend my eyes after asking what is the life. I leaned diretly by the hard way - a link to the Cassiopaean Experiment on german.

Ever since my life become more stange. I have the feeling something would not like it me go well. I must spend a lot of power to attain small things. People avoid me still, talk about me and do bad things. My children are now in adolescence with fights against me and my convictions. I feel alone without enough power to lead my life. They dont want awake an see the stange things about us.

There would be still so much to tell...

Something drove me to my attempt to finished my life. I dont want to go.

I have try to change my life habits. Magnesium, Vitamin C, no milk, some Éiriú Eolas, enough sleep and anything else. I try to read a lot of books, also the Wave and much more. I spend a lot of time to teach myself. But I dont know enough about my programms.

Have you any idea what about me???

P.S. Sorry for my mistake in english.

 

[Ca.]

Re: I dont know what it is

You know nofretete1969, i have rocked this cradle as well. When the dust settled i found myself with the same feelings, and thoughts to leave here also back in the day. But as you have come to discover, now the journey really begins with the process of self discovery. To take apart the programs that have been promoting these feeling's of self destruction. Thus to keep one from completing the journey, or mission.

But i, like yourself was gifted with a possible turn around of my condtion when i found the cassiopaean materiel, and the writing's from Laura. It open up a way to grasp the past, recon with present, and proceed to the future. But i had too change everything i was doing, and start to become responsible for my present condition at that moment. It was one of the biggest opportunity's presented before me that allowed me to be where i am at this time. i never felt that taking anyones life was very productive, and quiet destructive, especialy my own life. It felt like i had been programmed to do so, and would come to understand, and believe that there was something operating from another density, that seemed to be orchestrating this activity with in myself. i was taking unneeded risk, and entertaining destructive thought patterns. When i stop, and questioned this activity, and while cross referencing the cassiopaen material, i started to make the connection that there was more going than i would have ever imagined, of why i was doing things i was to myself.

As started to make the change, that is when the really bizarre stuff stated to manifest. It was as if something was aware of my escape attempt from the condition i was in, and was going examine, study, and attempt to prevent my attempts of escape. The more i pulled away the the more the Hyper-dimensional activity would occur, as if to drive me crazy.

But having the material proved to a bound, and provided a stable platform to keep the struggle of "Change" in momentum ( forward ) and from falling back into reverse habits i was trying to leave behind. It did not happen over night, and it took a while before i saw, and felt i was getting foot hold on it. But with constant attention, perseverance, and faith, it began to happen slowly over time. i was beginning to know me, and what was it that preventing me from becoming my own best friend, instead of my own worst enemy.

The Wave ( http://www.cassiopaea.org/cass/waveindex.htm ) can be your best source for reference in understanding this condition you have shared and described. The glossary ( http://glossary.cassiopaea.com/glossary.php?id=11 ) will give you insight. Others on this forum will also aide, with different ideas, readings, and thoughts in your struggle to assist you if you desire.

And keep in mind, that your never alone here. This forum is 24/7, and at your finger tips for questions, feed back, and valuable insight.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

”
Maria Robinson

 

[Galaxia2002]

Re: I dont know what it is

More than a half year I suffer under destructive thoughts they suggest me a suicide.

Unfortunately I did it. For me this was an indication that I do not come out in such a way from the Marix.

I am very sorry you had to go through all thispain Nofre. Think in your children if those thoughts come again and ask for support here, we are always willing to listen and help. Sometimes bad thoughts are due to problems with diet check this.

My birth was an accident. In the first time I grow up whitout love und welfare service. My father left us early and married his current wife. I have a half brother who I do not know. The relationship with my father is strangely and coldly drawn of accused. My grandma accompanied my first years. After her dead my mother married her second man. I cant remember enough to the first. My mothers second husband was brutally and abused myself without reason. Nearly he have to kill me. I was never well enough.

This pulled and pulls themselves by my whole lives

An old story - I spent the rest of my youth in a children's home. I was rejected and avoided. Whitout good wishes the next period of life followed. I do here without further details but while others without large problems went by to live I have a lot of problems for a little satisfaction and peacefully life. I constantly become acquainted with the wrong men - the father of my children used me for his criminally business to looked like a smart man. Before he went in prison should I presented him as a affectionate familiy man. He was egoistically, drug-dependently, criminally and power possessed and smart and everyone favourite. His family despised me - until today my children do not have a contact to them. He never pay for his children (14, 17,17) and also spend no responsibility.

For six years ago when my life become a little better I lost my job after 13 years - mobbing. I found a hobby, diving. I Did this with passion.I felt healthy and fully in live. I was full plans for the future - two accidents take my passion. A long researche for reason presented an aneurysma on Arteria cerebri media. I could selecteds my procedure, I chose the more dangerous - directly in my head. I knew, I could also have died. Three days artificial coma on the intensive care unit told me somebody I wanted fo flee with all the strange equipment in my body.

I suggest you come to therapy and read the narcissistic family, and the other 4 psychology books. You can try to write all your thoughts and feeling in a notebook regard your childhood and revive them step by step and communicate with your inner child, give it all your love from you as adult part.
In this post I didn't see you are very connected with your feelings because you talk few about them, It is normal when you are been abused and probably raised with a lot of narcissism. Maybe in the successive you can talk more open about the way you feel about this.
how are you doing with EE? I encourage you to do EE in a daily basis if you want see changes, do it with faith!

Ever since my life become more stange. I have the feeling something would not like it me go well. I must spend a lot of power to attain small things. People avoid me still, talk about me and do bad things. My children are now in adolescence with fights against me and my convictions. I feel alone without enough power to lead my life. They dont want awake an see the stange things about us.

Respect people avoid you. You need to see yourself in your interaction with them. A cousin and I realize that persons avoid us because we tend to talk much about our problems or be critic (since that was programs we run because our parents are so). Each one of the topics you talk here are better to be discussed in different threads, where you give more detail.

 

[nofretete1969]

Re: I dont know what it is

I am very sorry you had to go through all thispain Nofre. Think in your children if those thoughts come again and ask for support here, we are always willing to listen and help. Sometimes bad thoughts are due to problems with diet check this.

When I did this bad thing, my children was in konflict with me a few weeks long. I know the day, it was "motherday". I know this day is not a special day - to buy nonsens - but a small flower from the roadside for a little "thank you" to make me happy. They draw my thoughts in ridiculous whenever we talk about normal life. Every person i know gave criticism at my person - Im so incorrectly.

I suggest you come to therapy and read the narcissistic family, and the other 4 psychology books. You can try to write all your thoughts and feeling in a notebook regard your childhood and revive them step by step and communicate with your inner child, give it all your love from you as adult part.
In this post I didn't see you are very connected with your feelings because you talk few about them, It is normal when you are been abused and probably raised with a lot of narcissism. Maybe in the successive you can talk more open about the way you feel about this.
how are you doing with EE? I encourage you to do EE in a daily basis if you want see changes, do it with faith!

In normal life, a person who try to suicid a therapy followed. The hospital in which I spend a night ignored me and give me a feeling to be a load. The hole night i cry about me, but nobody came for me. I had wished one shoulder to lean on or comfort or understanding. Nothing happend in this way. The doctor let me go home after a short speek. In the past I worked together with a psychotherapeutin. After my procedure when my problems came a lot she told me shet would not be my mental garbage pail. That was the last to contact her. To get a good Therapyst the waiting period is up to one year.

You ask about my feelings? Im a very sensitiv person. I consist only of feelings, sympathy and a lot of love. I cry for a sad film, animals abused, nature destroyed , for our suffer and pain, all this bad things about our world. I cried always much more. I feel helplessly about all this.

I can not understand why was my life so terribly. Why not stopped it. I have try to educate my children without force because I feel it was my job to burst the paradigm.

 

[nofretete1969]

Re: I dont know what it is

You know nofretete1969, i have rocked this cradle as well. When the dust settled i found myself with the same feelings, and thoughts to leave here also back in the day. But as you have come to discover, now the journey really begins with the process of self discovery. To take apart the programs that have been promoting these feeling's of self destruction. Thus to keep one from completing the journey, or mission.

All the time I ask myself who I am, why Im here. What s about my soul.

I cant find an answer.

But i, like yourself was gifted with a possible turn around of my condtion when i found the cassiopaean materiel, and the writing's from Laura. It open up a way to grasp the past, recon with present, and proceed to the future. But i had too change everything i was doing, and start to become responsible for my present condition at that moment. It was one of the biggest opportunity's presented before me that allowed me to be where i am at this time. i never felt that taking anyones life was very productive, and quiet destructive, especialy my own life. It felt like i had been programmed to do so, and would come to understand, and believe that there was something operating from another density, that seemed to be orchestrating this activity with in myself. i was taking unneeded risk, and entertaining destructive thought patterns. When i stop, and questioned this activity, and while cross referencing the cassiopaen material, i started to make the connection that there was more going than i would have ever imagined, of why i was doing things i was to myself.

I think if I cant to grasp my past so I cant this for the future. Since five years I know the material of cass, read books from G. and others. I remember the word to the work and we are not to be able to do this alone. My english ist bad so I work with a translationprogram. I could not to find a way from me to learn about me. All the past time also yet I have the feeling to be occupied by a bad with play games with me. But Im not important. All the time i believe the people will be good although happend bad things to me.

To read the Wave explain some stange things happend to me. It could give me some answers.

Please dont laugh about me. For a view weeks I begun to read the Ra-Material. I could find any about wanderers. I understand wanderers are examined and pursued. That could explain something. I would try to write some words in this thread if I feel better.

 

[Gertrudes]

Re: I dont know what it is

Hi nofretete1969, there's a lot in your personal story, and although I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time ( ), I can also understand how your traumatic past sowed the seeds for such difficult present times.

You may be aware of this already, but in our past history most often lie the reasons for the way we are handling life today. You start by saying:

My birth was an accident

And from there you proceed to describe a life of abandonment and abuse. This is something not to be, in any way shape or form, underestimated. It was a traumatic experience, and it will (and already is) affect directly your present life, in more ways then you can probably see.

I would also suggest you to try therapy, and to start reading the 5 psychology/narcissism books that are on the recommended reading list. These books can give you a fundamental understanding on how trauma affects you and how that perpetuates itself through your life and relationships. Seriously, they are a must read and an absolute eye opener, and at this particular stage probably much more important to you then reading Gurdjieff, Ra, and others.

I also second that the forum is always here to help you, but I think that engaging in therapy, if you can, would be extremely helpful to you. You have reached a point where you considered terminating your life, and I don't think there's anything more important at this stage then restoring your physical, emotional and mental well being, both for you, and your children.

To get a good Therapyst the waiting period is up to one year.

Can you afford a private one?
In any case I would also apply for the one year waiting list, the sooner you apply, the sooner you'll get someone. In the meantime, why not search around for other possibilities?

It takes time, dedication, self care, and most of all will to heal, to actually start turning life around, learn the lessons the past has presented instead of simply being its slave. You have taken an important first step towards that, and I think that if you follow that course, step by step, you will gradually peel the layers of hurt and begin to find out more about yourself, why you feel and behave the way you do, and how to change it.
Until we start gradually opening the door of the many feelings we have repressed due to trauma, and looking more objectively at what happened, we will likely keep reacting automatically under the bruises that trauma has inflicted.

Another VERY important thing is diet. Simply put, you can't achieve mental and emotional wellness if your body is not well. It really works like that. Have you eliminated gluten, dairy and sugar from your diet? These substances have been vastly researched on this forum and are well known to cause complete physical and mental havoc.

Sending you a big hug, keep us updated, and hang in there nofretete!

 

[luke wilson]

Re: I dont know what it is

Another member of the forum in a different thread posted this website, _http://www.awakeninthedream.com/wordpress/?page_id=183. It is written by a person called Paul Levy and he gives an interesting perspective on suffering that hopefully will show the hope and potential hidden in it. From this article this is what he has to say

If we try to escape the pain, frustration, and dissatisfaction of our existential situation by continually acting out our unconscious without reflecting upon what we are doing, we are postponing a deeper and more genuine relationship with ourselves. In avoiding relationship with ourselves, we are like a hamster frantically running around inside of a wheel, and our suffering is totally neurotic and unproductive. But if we are able to hold the powerful psychic energies that get constellated when we go inwards, and try to consciously explore, express, and embrace the experience, our suffering becomes redemptive, and genuine transformation occurs. Creatively holding the tension of the opposites without splitting, dissociating, or projecting out one of the opposites is a conscious experience of darkness that nourishes and cultivates the light of the Self. Instead of oscillating and being thrown back and forth between the opposites, a state in which we identify with one of the opposites while having no conscious connection with the other, we develop a container within ourselves where we are able to experience both opposites simultaneously. The inspiration for this process, the philosophers’ stone crystallizes in, as and through the individual psyche as a result. Consciousness is a psychic substance that is produced by the opposites suffered, not blindly, but in living awareness. With a good container, the endless circling and cycling, instead of being a holding pattern that parasitically drains our energy, becomes a circulating spiral that leads both ever higher into consciousness and deeper into the unconscious, where it circumambulates, illuminates, and activates the latent creative source at its center. [...]

SOUL COMPANION​

Jung suggests that, “The “treasure hard to attain” [another of the stone’s names] lies hidden in the ocean of the unconscious, and only the brave can reach it. I conjecture that the treasure is also the ‘companion,’ the one who goes through life at our side – in all probability a close analogy to the lonely ego who finds a mate in the self.” The treasure is the mythical “magical, travelling companion” that we go through the journey of life with, the unseen partner who is both ourselves and “other” than ourselves at the same time. To quote Jung’s closest colleague, Marie Louise von Franz, “…the Self becomes an inner partner toward whom one’s attention is continually turned.” We have a celestial twin, a wholly imaginal reflection of ourselves. We are a tandem, intimately coupled together as a bi-unity with the Self. In different traditions this celestial twin is known by a host of names, such as the double, the guardian angel, the guiding spirit, the beloved and the perfect nature. In a reciprocal and mutually transformative relationship, our longing is for this very archetypal figure who is itself instigating our longing.

Jung describes this very state of relatedness by saying, “It is the state of someone who, in his wanderings among the mazes of his psychic transformation, comes upon a secret happiness which reconciles him to his apparent loneliness. In communing with himself, he finds not deadly boredom and melancholy but an inner partner; more than that, a relationship that seems like the happiness of a secret love, or like a hidden springtime…It is the alchemical benedicta viriditas, the blessed greenness [interestingly, in ecclesiastical symbolism the color green is an attribute of the Holy Spirit].” The “germ” of the prima materia has blossomed into relationship, in that we have found to whom we are (transpersonally) related. We recognize that we exist relative to the Self. This is the birth of Eros, which is the principle and capacity in the human soul for relatedness, both within ourselves and out in the world with others. The spirit of Eros sees things together instead of apart, gathers and connects things instead of dividing, and establishes relationships between things instead of creating separation. The spirit of Eros has to do with feeling, expressing and embodying the spirit of love, compassion and forgiveness, both toward others and the other within ourselves, who is none other than ourselves.

I advise you not to give up and to keep on trying. Maybe you can turn the incredible suffering into a no fear attitude towards life. If you can make the monumental jump to end your life, surely it is no more difficult to attempt at another equally radical solution, to try for LIFE in the real sense - both options in my mind require the same sort of fanaticism.

 

[nofretete1969]

Re: I dont know what it is

My birth was an accident

It was actually like that. My mother and father were 19 years old as I was witnessed. My mother told me. They had to marry, my father dont love my mother to spend time in this relationship.

I never tell a child to be an accident even if it had been like that. Thus that states injured.

The most recommended books are written in english. I have looked for an alternative in german for my better understanding.

 

[davey72]

Re: I dont know what it is

Hello Nofretete1969. I just wanted to say that you have definitely come to the right place. :)

 

[HiThere]

Re: I dont know what it is

Hello nofretete1969, and thank you for sharing your story so far. You are not alone - there are many on this forum with traumatic experiences in their lives, and there is support to be found here. You have been given good advice, and I just wanted to chime in on the therapy suggestions - the sooner you apply, the sooner an opportunity will come. Welcome! :)

 

[primechild]

Re: I dont know what it is

Hello nofretete1969

I was also a mistake, my parents where forced to marry too and father left us when I was 6 yrs old. Just as Galaxia2002 suggested, the 5 psychology books where helpful and prompted me to face my past. My mom has told me she wished she had an abortion instead of having me because she didn't do her job and sees me suffering.

Diet has helped tremendously in dealing with negative thoughts and with http://de.eiriu-eolas.org/ they have practically disappeared. The negative self-destructive thoughts now only come up in stressful situations, counseling, and during full EE program.

Writing all thoughts in a notebook really helps (or computer, blog or word processor)

Before Diet & EE, believing in reincarnation helped. I definitely did not want to start all over again, forget what I had learned and maybe come back in worst situation.

Diet thread, read before starting diet.
http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,22916.0.html

Here in U.S. churches and universities offer free counseling & therapy. They are not the best and may throw in their religion but its worth it to have someone to talk and rant to on the phone who isn't a family or friend.

Narcissistic Family book Psychology Today magazine article
translated in German part I & II
_http://babelfish.yahoo.com/translate_url?doit=done&tt=url&intl=1&fr=bf-home&trurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fblog%2Ftake-all-prisoners%2F201003%2Fthe-narcissistic-family-diagnosis-and-treatment&lp=en_de

Only you can stop the family cycle of emotional abuse
my thoughts are with you nofretete1969

 

[nofretete1969]

Thank you all for the best wishes and affectionate pieces of advice.

In the next time Im not able to visit a Psychologist. Here in Germany must accept a waiting period of up to one year before helf.

But I have a very special question

Is it posible that my own childen used for psychological attacks against me???

This does not excuse my errors which I could have committed with my children. But they are insult me with malicious words they I could not repeat again.

I have hardly still strength

 

[dannybananny]

But they are insult me with malicious words they I could not repeat again.

I have hardly still strength

Maybe in these situations is a good thing to observe your emotions and thoughts when they arise, and then you'll notice with time that they aren't you if you don't react. It doesn't takes a lot of energy, just some attention. Maybe concentrating on your breathing could also be helpful in those kind of situations.

Is it posible that my own childen used for psychological attacks against me???

Those who are closest are probably according to C's primary portals of attack, probably because they have most influence on the person via emotional and family connection. Maybe remembering that they are portals and that isn't true them can be helpful in this case.

 

[Palinurus]

But I have a very special question

Is it posible that my own childen used for psychological attacks against me???

This does not excuse my errors which I could have committed with my children. But they are insult me with malicious words they I could not repeat again.

I have hardly still strength

Hi Nofretete1969,

I think the following quote from the cassiopedia glossary (http://cassiopedia.org/glossary/Attack) could be helpful:

Attacks usually involve a 'vector' or 'portal' of attack. This is a group or person through which the trouble takes place. The expression 'closing portals of attack' means taking precautions against various possible attacks. This would mean avoiding possible legal liabilities, not giving any grounds for rumors, not taking unnecessary risks, etc.

Attack may manifest through anything and everything. It will often take place through persons that are close such as family members. The New Testament has this to say, from the Gospel of Matthew:

10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.

10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

10:37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

Outside the esoteric context, the General Law may be beneficial and reasonable. The meaning of the above verses refers to the life of one who commits to an esoteric path. The attachments to one's family are not bad, they are even quite necessary. However they will often be hijacked by the General Law and turned against the seeker.

Any defense can only be rooted in awareness of the possibility of attack and in anticipating and preempting these as may be possible.

I also would invite you to look at this page form the Adventures: http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/adventures058.htm

In there and around it Laura tells her story about some of these attack portals (notably "Frank" and her then husband) and how she became aware of them and how she coped with that situation eventually.

You also might want to do a forumsearch for the term Organic Portal to find additional related materials.

In short, there is no easy answer to your question as you might have surmised already. Having said that, be aware that almost anything is possible but not always very probable - due to various circumstances and variables we cannot know from here and for which you yourself will have to be the 'judge'. So, it will always be profitable to work on expanding your awareness through gaining as much objective knowledge as you possibly can.

Hope this helps a bit. Try to find courage and endurance to regain strength. My thoughts are with you as will be those of others. Hang on!

 

[nofretete1969]

It ist not easy to get power if the attacks take place in ever shorter time intervals. They become ever more violently and more common. I cry terribly and am completely helplessly delivered. There is a quotation: My home is castle. But my home become to a bad place because my cildren are laugh and have fun during I cant understand the situation. They dont feel bad or blush for they doings.

Meanwhile easy things will be become hard. It is as nothing more to be succeeded in my normal life. For example to describe my car have a small problem. Since two weeks I ask for helf. But everty day the garage put me of a another day. I see the garage have enough time, more freetime there are no cars to fix in it. But it is no time to help me although i work at the moment on this place.

My nerves are down so I cry often.

It is so difficult to write it in english