Assistance in writing about my current state of depression

[chaps23]

Hi Guys, writing about an event in my life with the intent of releasing some trauma and gain some perspective on my current situation to allow me to heal and move on with my life and of course share with you all and anyone else that has enough motivation to read it with the hopes someone out there can learn from my mistakes and the wisdom of you beautiful people. It's taken me 12 months to finally muster the courage to face both you all and of course my self by putting pen to paper, I haven't been able to share the whole story with anyone yet just the occasional outburst here and there.

So it's a LONG story, if I wrote it as a novel it would be found in the Crime, Thriller section and is a tale of lies, manipulation, deception, pride, friendships & a psychopath in the story of a man (me) who helped build an empire then lost everything. Sounds exciting doesn't it?

Quite frankly put. I need help with my request for help! hahaha I have to laugh at the irony.

Where do we start when we talk about something like this? My feelings? because I am emotionally retarded the moment I start thinking about it. If I dont know what I'm feeling how can I expect you to? So what is relevant and necessary? and without telling the whole story how would anybody be able to tell me what was and wasn't relevant? It's a mess. My sister has told me it should be about the size of an A4 sheet of paper, sure I could make that work in size 1 font using the front and back of the sheet.... haha I want to talk about the events leading to the current but find myself lacking the cruelty I would need to possess to put you all through a 50 page autobiography and of course to the people involved whom would not appreciate their story being told through my eyes. Plus is I release the story now it would ruin the book for you when it's a best selling novel hahaha.

Reading how others tell there story's on here I honestly have too much to say to be able to use the same format.

I would GREATLY appreciate a little direction here and some pointers.

Regards,
Brent.

 

[sid]

Hi Brent

Maybe pick one or two incidents out of all which are bugging you the most and also mention your reactions during those incidents. That will help in gaining a visibility of your thinking processes which will serve to benefit you and everyone else. Do not be afraid of being open and honest. No one is judging you.

 

[whitecoast]

It's taken me 12 months to finally muster the courage to face both you all and of course my self by putting pen to paper, I haven't been able to share the whole story with anyone yet just the occasional outburst here and there.

Well you're here now sharing and networking now, so kudos

Where do we start when we talk about something like this? My feelings? because I am emotionally retarded the moment I start thinking about it. I

The troublesome thing with trauma and how it emotionally shuts us down is that it makes it very hard for us to identify the feelings that are unconsciously driving our behavior, so I agree that starting with feelings is putting the cart before the horse. You said what you've been meaning to contemplate or share could take up fifty pages, but have you journaled about the events at least to yourself?

I'm not sure if you've read the thread or the book but Timothy Wilson's book Redirect: the Surprising Science of Psychological Change talks about how valuable journaling can be as a tool for self-understanding and developing an understanding about events that are emotionally difficult to process. The exercise given in the book is that you write about a disturbing event or sequence of events from a third person perspective, as if you are observing yourself from the outside in a dispassionate way. You repeat the same exercise over the next four days. What researchers found is that forcing this perspective causes us to overlay a narrative structure onto our memories of the event so they become more intelligible and easier to convey to others. This method was used as a tool to help debrief emergency workers during traumatic crises and resulted in lower incidences of PTSD.

And honestly, don't feel bad if it ends up being a lot, or like you're subjecting readers to cruelty. People can read something else if it's too long. People who are interested in helping and who enjoy helping others (and there's a lot of people like that on here) will persist and hopefully help you connect a few dots. Perhaps after the exercise of processing each of the situations through a journaling exercise you may be able to pare it down to only a handful of events that seem most salient and pressing to you. As you get feedback and do more digging and research on how to deal with it other events can be shared as needed or deemed relevant.

 

[chaps23]

Hi Sid, all the situations/events are interconnected between my Girlfriend, best friend, my 2 former businesses, my living situation which goes into drug usage looking for escaping reality in anyway. Then there is a history to all that too which involves a man whom I'd known for 10 years, fell out of luck and was homeless who I let into my house, gave him work, food, money to have him try to take it all for himself. It's like what an alcoholic spider's web would look like, complete mess.

Whitecoast, Thanks for such a detailed response. So i have pretty much already told you lot more than I have been able to tell anybody. I have not created a journal, I have not even wanted to help my self. I have so many tools at my disposal I know what i needed to read and what exercise's i needed to do to get better. I am fully aware that I am still in this mess because i have chosen to be. This post has been my very first step in the right direction as the fallout from the event has still been plagueing my days when I learn of things still going on and I simply put have not wanted to face my self FOR myself... It's the people I love that I'm doing this for because they dont deserve to be dragged through the mud I got myself into and the pain i am causing them being in this state is just causing too much guilt.

The pain i live through when i go over the events that lead to this is as real as the day it happened. writing it down even this much has just been brutal BUT having said that this morning I started writing and I will get there. but lets just go in baby steps.

 

[chaps23]

I should also mention that self deception is an issue when I am writing out my feelings and i even see me twisting my own bloody words to support my own conclusions its just shit house (forgive my language I'm Australian) There comes a point where you go over something in your head so many times that you yourself have a hard time keeping up with how your feelings have evolved, then in light of new information its like throwing 1000 tiny spanners into an automatic watch. That coupled with the emotional maturity of a 10 year old when anything relating to myself is in question & a situation of events stretching a third of this lifetime and yeah. This is as far as ive gotten hahaha

 

[chaps23]

I see there is a timer on edits now days ahh I hate that feature what about typo's!!!! lol

EDIT: I missed that post regarding the book it looks bloody perfect! funny that I can spend days of time on here and until the day I decided to help myself failed to find anything that appeals to me like that book, i love learning, its my greatest hobby, I can absorb and have absorbed vast amounts of info and I get super excited when I connect dots and see what most dont. I have in a big way helped so many in sharing what i learn, helped people overcome their own blockages... just cant apply it to myself. as soon as i think inward I'm overcome with great sadness, anger and all manner of dangerous thoughts.

This is the hurdle, if only I had a friend like me ey' cloning technology is just too far away. I know I deflect a lot with humor, thankfully most here can see through it.

 

[aragorn]

You’ve now written 4 posts where you’re basically asking people to second guess what your problems are. It would be more helpful if you’d just lay out the most concerning things right now, and without the self irony. I and others are happy to comment and offer advice when you can offer ‘just the facts’.

 

[sid]

Hi Brent

You are getting a bit anxious which happens if someone is driven by emotions. I can already read between the lines of your postings but best for me to not conclude hastily. Its seldom a happy ending when a woman and best friend are involved. As you write more, some realisations may result however do not underestimate the control your inner predator has over your mind. Some of your self-realisations may be a product of thinking patterns driven by emotional centre whereas better analysis would result with proper employment of intellectual center.

So, get a hold of your anxiety and let go of all the ill-feelings due the wrongdoings that have occurred towards you. Think of those as lessons that you have paid for and its now time to study and analyse those experiences.
Hope this helps you in formulating your next post.

Ps- I am based in AU too so, can probably relate to the social and cultural factors you have experienced.

Cheers
Sid

 

[Truthseeker101]

Hi Brent,

I think I relate to a lot of what you are saying but am not sure I know enough of the specifics of your story. It's easy for things to build and build, twist and twist, and then fold in on themselves into a mass of apprehension ... especially when one has been actively avoiding getting into the sorting out and searching for a solution. It can be hard to get still with oneself in situations as you are describing. My guess is that when you start writing and continue writing, it will get easier and you will start to see a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel once you are in the process of sorting out the solution(s).

It sounds like you have many different stories/problems all interconnecting in such a way that the individual problems that could have been relatively simple to overcome are now three times as messy. Write my friend and break it down as best you can.

Even simple problems/anxieties can be difficult to overcome when one is avoiding them. For example, I am reminded of a time when I was recording my first CD years ago and I had been worrying about recording this guitar part. My studio was in my apartment at the time and I had been avoiding this acoustic guitar part for at least a couple of weeks. The part had to be perfect in my mind and I had to play it as well as engineer it (I am a piano player first and foremost by the way). When I finally sat down to play the part and I had gotten a respectable acoustic sound, my anxiety was off the charts. I was sweating bullets with fear and there was no one in the room but myself. There was no deadline, There were NO consequences other than maybe I decide that the guitar part doesn't work and not using it ... or having to face the fact that I am not a good enough guitar player to play the part (Which was REALLY upsetting to me at that time). And yet I had myself in knots about this part from not being able to get grounded about it and avoiding looking at my own weirdness around it. Fears tend to build within a person when they are bottled up and not talked about or written about over a period of time. Hope this helps!

 

[Gary]

The pain i live through when i go over the events that lead to this is as real as the day it happened. writing it down even this much has just been brutal BUT having said that this morning I started writing and I will get there. but lets just go in baby steps.

'Baby steps' is making progress, generating some necessary momentum, to write down what you are feeling. Rather than attempting to write the 'whole story' why not start a topic in 'the Swamp', tell us about your background and as honestly as possible write what you can, when you can.

Read this first: https://cassiopaea.org/forum/threads/rules-for-the-swamp-all-read-before-posting.13630/

You will receive objective and compassionate feedback there.