Both sides can cut housing costs and swap child and elder care. But tensions are likely, too
By Emily Brandon
Posted November 20, 2008
Twenty-somethings who move back in with their parents after college are often lamented as "boomerangs." But that term may need expanding now to include increasing numbers of seniors and baby boomers—you can call them "baby boomerangs"—who are taking up residence with their adult children and even grandchildren.
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More than 3.6 million parents lived with their adult children in 2007, according to recently released Census Bureau data, up 67 percent from 2000. "It's a return to much closer intergenerational ties than we saw through much of the 20th century," says Stephanie Coontz, a professor of history and family studies at Evergreen State College and the author of The Way We Really Are: Coming to Terms With America's Changing Families. Factors fueling the trend include tight family finances, the convenience of sharing household chores among several adults, and the increasing number of immigrants who commonly live in extended families, according to Nicolas Retsinas, director of Harvard University's Joint Center for Housing Studies.
Sharing a house almost always cuts the living expenses of all involved. The dismal economy is changing people's attitudes toward living in an extended family, Retsinas says: "One of the first places people usually turn when they are in trouble is their family."
Make a deal. Allegra Hinkle, a 55-year-old retired media technician, was hard-pressed to afford housing in Olympia, Wash., while her husband, David Stein, worked abroad as a photographer in Amsterdam. Hinkle's son, Dustin Hinkle-Anderson, 28, a chef, was also facing high housing costs for himself, girlfriend Courtney Norman, and their two daughters, Adaline, 2, and Haeden Norman-Hinkle, an infant.
The extended family of five moved into a house that Hinkle had previously rented to college students last year. The mortgage is $850 a month plus $200 for taxes and insurance. Dustin and Courtney pay $700 and Allegra the balance, which is less than they would have to pay for separate accommodations. When Hinkle, who is currently in Amsterdam, leaves the house for a time to see her husband abroad, Dustin and Courtney pay $800, and Allegra kicks in the rest to hold her spot.
"We will probably see more of parents moving in with their children to combine households to cut down costs," says Susan Newman, a social psychologist and author of Nobody's Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship With Your Mother and Father. "If you have a positive relationship with your parents and your spouse and children get along with your parents, economically it seems like it would make good sense."
Live-in grandparents sometimes share caring for the little ones, which slashes day-care costs. "When you have highly stressed parents raising kids, there is a sort of win-win situation when you have a parent that you are close to helping with child care or housing costs," Coontz says. When she is in Olympia, Hinkle spends her mornings caring for granddaughter Adaline. "I get her up and feed her, and then . . . [her mother] Courtney takes over—no day care needed." Of course, there's also the potential for squabbles over parenting strategies. "Be very respectful of your child's parenting style, even if it differs radically from yours," cautions Joshua Coleman, a psychologist and author of When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along. "Unless advice is requested, try to not intervene."
Caregiving responsibilities often evolve over time. Carolyn Nutt, 64, a retired special-education preschool teacher, has lived with her mother, now 93, for the past 18 years and her mother-in-law, 85, for three years, along with her husband and her son, 24. The family shares a 3,500-square-foot home in North Tustin, Calif. When son Daniel was a child, Nutt's mother, Augusta Morse, helped out with child care. But now that she has broken both hips, Morse is receiving care from her daughter. "If we needed to go away for a weekend or just to get away for a couple of days, she was always ready to baby-sit for us," Nutt says. "The least we can do is give it back to her."
Sometimes adult children take in their parents to help them avoid going into a nursing home. Nancy Koppelman, 50, who teaches American studies at a college, moved her 79-year-old mother, Ruby Koppelman, a retired art therapist, into her family's home in Olympia last spring. Ruby Koppelman, who has Alzheimer's disease, goes to a program for seniors every day while the rest of the family is at work or school. "She's in a mental situation where she is still lucid and recognizes everyone that she loves, but her short-term memory is only about two or three minutes long," Nancy Koppelman says. "She would be fed and clothed and warm in assisted living, but she wouldn't be loved there. She is much more likely to maintain her mental health being with family." Koppelman and her husband, Steve Blakeslee, took out a loan to build an addition with a room and a private bath for her mother, which Ruby Koppelman pays back from her Social Security benefits and her pension.
Benefits. Nancy Koppelman enjoys watching her children interact with her mother. "The whole situation has forced us all to slow life down," she says. "It is really good for old people to have younger people take care of them who love them, and it is really good for young people to have to stretch themselves out of their own immediate needs. This forced them to think about someone else's needs as well."
Yet caregiving can put a lot of stress on family members, says psychologist Newman. "If healthcare needs are fairly extensive, you want to make sure you have someone to cover for you so that you can get out and are not on call 24/7," she says. The Koppelman family has had to adjust its schedule so that someone is always at home with the elder Koppelman when a paid caregiver isn't available.
Carolyn Nutt recruited her two sisters and brother to stay with her mother so she could go on vacation. "The hardest thing for me is trying to carve out some time for me just to get away," she says. "We just don't feel comfortable trusting a stranger in the house to take care of all Mom's needs."
Cramped living spaces can also lead to problems. A relationship with an overcritical or "guilt tripping" parent may be tolerable if you are living apart, but "it can become much more exasperating" in closer quarters, Coleman says. Even in the best situations, adults need their own space. Allegra Hinkle has her own bedroom and bathroom in her shared three-bedroom house, with private front and back entrances. "I think it's really important that you still have your own space that is just yours," she says. "When my door is closed, they knock on the door."
The rules. In a multigenerational household, it can often be difficult to know who is in charge. "You've got the traditional power structure of the parent having authority and the child saying, 'This is my house and what I say goes,'" Coleman says. Discussing house rules before a parent moves in can ease tensions. Figure out who will do the food shopping, cooking, laundry, other household chores, and child care—and how expenses will be shared. Hinkle typically cooks separately from the rest of her family; she has her own cupboard and shelves in the refrigerator. "Once in a while, we have dinner together or invite my daughter over and Courtney's son [from a previous marriage]," Hinkle says.
Each generation should also maintain its own social life. "If your parents don't have a social network, help them create their own so that they are not totally dependent on you for all interaction," Newman says. Places to find peers with similar interests include religious associations, community centers, and volunteer organizations.
Before a relative moves in, it might also be a good idea to decide what subjects will be taboo, perhaps politics or dating. "The parents start to make judgments about the lifestyle of their kids and tell the kids how to behave, and the kids start getting judgmental about whether the parents can date or not," Coontz says. Her advice: Each generation needs its own space and should respect the other's decisions.
http://www.usnews.com/articles/business/retirement/2008/11/20/baby-boomers-moving-in-with-adult-children.html
By Emily Brandon
Posted November 20, 2008
Twenty-somethings who move back in with their parents after college are often lamented as "boomerangs." But that term may need expanding now to include increasing numbers of seniors and baby boomers—you can call them "baby boomerangs"—who are taking up residence with their adult children and even grandchildren.
Related News
* The Best Places to Find a Retirement Plan
* 5 Ways to Benefit From New Medicare Drug Plans
* Who Is Targeting Your 401(k)?
More than 3.6 million parents lived with their adult children in 2007, according to recently released Census Bureau data, up 67 percent from 2000. "It's a return to much closer intergenerational ties than we saw through much of the 20th century," says Stephanie Coontz, a professor of history and family studies at Evergreen State College and the author of The Way We Really Are: Coming to Terms With America's Changing Families. Factors fueling the trend include tight family finances, the convenience of sharing household chores among several adults, and the increasing number of immigrants who commonly live in extended families, according to Nicolas Retsinas, director of Harvard University's Joint Center for Housing Studies.
Sharing a house almost always cuts the living expenses of all involved. The dismal economy is changing people's attitudes toward living in an extended family, Retsinas says: "One of the first places people usually turn when they are in trouble is their family."
Make a deal. Allegra Hinkle, a 55-year-old retired media technician, was hard-pressed to afford housing in Olympia, Wash., while her husband, David Stein, worked abroad as a photographer in Amsterdam. Hinkle's son, Dustin Hinkle-Anderson, 28, a chef, was also facing high housing costs for himself, girlfriend Courtney Norman, and their two daughters, Adaline, 2, and Haeden Norman-Hinkle, an infant.
The extended family of five moved into a house that Hinkle had previously rented to college students last year. The mortgage is $850 a month plus $200 for taxes and insurance. Dustin and Courtney pay $700 and Allegra the balance, which is less than they would have to pay for separate accommodations. When Hinkle, who is currently in Amsterdam, leaves the house for a time to see her husband abroad, Dustin and Courtney pay $800, and Allegra kicks in the rest to hold her spot.
"We will probably see more of parents moving in with their children to combine households to cut down costs," says Susan Newman, a social psychologist and author of Nobody's Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship With Your Mother and Father. "If you have a positive relationship with your parents and your spouse and children get along with your parents, economically it seems like it would make good sense."
Live-in grandparents sometimes share caring for the little ones, which slashes day-care costs. "When you have highly stressed parents raising kids, there is a sort of win-win situation when you have a parent that you are close to helping with child care or housing costs," Coontz says. When she is in Olympia, Hinkle spends her mornings caring for granddaughter Adaline. "I get her up and feed her, and then . . . [her mother] Courtney takes over—no day care needed." Of course, there's also the potential for squabbles over parenting strategies. "Be very respectful of your child's parenting style, even if it differs radically from yours," cautions Joshua Coleman, a psychologist and author of When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along. "Unless advice is requested, try to not intervene."
Caregiving responsibilities often evolve over time. Carolyn Nutt, 64, a retired special-education preschool teacher, has lived with her mother, now 93, for the past 18 years and her mother-in-law, 85, for three years, along with her husband and her son, 24. The family shares a 3,500-square-foot home in North Tustin, Calif. When son Daniel was a child, Nutt's mother, Augusta Morse, helped out with child care. But now that she has broken both hips, Morse is receiving care from her daughter. "If we needed to go away for a weekend or just to get away for a couple of days, she was always ready to baby-sit for us," Nutt says. "The least we can do is give it back to her."
Sometimes adult children take in their parents to help them avoid going into a nursing home. Nancy Koppelman, 50, who teaches American studies at a college, moved her 79-year-old mother, Ruby Koppelman, a retired art therapist, into her family's home in Olympia last spring. Ruby Koppelman, who has Alzheimer's disease, goes to a program for seniors every day while the rest of the family is at work or school. "She's in a mental situation where she is still lucid and recognizes everyone that she loves, but her short-term memory is only about two or three minutes long," Nancy Koppelman says. "She would be fed and clothed and warm in assisted living, but she wouldn't be loved there. She is much more likely to maintain her mental health being with family." Koppelman and her husband, Steve Blakeslee, took out a loan to build an addition with a room and a private bath for her mother, which Ruby Koppelman pays back from her Social Security benefits and her pension.
Benefits. Nancy Koppelman enjoys watching her children interact with her mother. "The whole situation has forced us all to slow life down," she says. "It is really good for old people to have younger people take care of them who love them, and it is really good for young people to have to stretch themselves out of their own immediate needs. This forced them to think about someone else's needs as well."
Yet caregiving can put a lot of stress on family members, says psychologist Newman. "If healthcare needs are fairly extensive, you want to make sure you have someone to cover for you so that you can get out and are not on call 24/7," she says. The Koppelman family has had to adjust its schedule so that someone is always at home with the elder Koppelman when a paid caregiver isn't available.
Carolyn Nutt recruited her two sisters and brother to stay with her mother so she could go on vacation. "The hardest thing for me is trying to carve out some time for me just to get away," she says. "We just don't feel comfortable trusting a stranger in the house to take care of all Mom's needs."
Cramped living spaces can also lead to problems. A relationship with an overcritical or "guilt tripping" parent may be tolerable if you are living apart, but "it can become much more exasperating" in closer quarters, Coleman says. Even in the best situations, adults need their own space. Allegra Hinkle has her own bedroom and bathroom in her shared three-bedroom house, with private front and back entrances. "I think it's really important that you still have your own space that is just yours," she says. "When my door is closed, they knock on the door."
The rules. In a multigenerational household, it can often be difficult to know who is in charge. "You've got the traditional power structure of the parent having authority and the child saying, 'This is my house and what I say goes,'" Coleman says. Discussing house rules before a parent moves in can ease tensions. Figure out who will do the food shopping, cooking, laundry, other household chores, and child care—and how expenses will be shared. Hinkle typically cooks separately from the rest of her family; she has her own cupboard and shelves in the refrigerator. "Once in a while, we have dinner together or invite my daughter over and Courtney's son [from a previous marriage]," Hinkle says.
Each generation should also maintain its own social life. "If your parents don't have a social network, help them create their own so that they are not totally dependent on you for all interaction," Newman says. Places to find peers with similar interests include religious associations, community centers, and volunteer organizations.
Before a relative moves in, it might also be a good idea to decide what subjects will be taboo, perhaps politics or dating. "The parents start to make judgments about the lifestyle of their kids and tell the kids how to behave, and the kids start getting judgmental about whether the parents can date or not," Coontz says. Her advice: Each generation needs its own space and should respect the other's decisions.
http://www.usnews.com/articles/business/retirement/2008/11/20/baby-boomers-moving-in-with-adult-children.html
