K
ki77en
Guest
In our subjective world, there may not be some kind of "proper balance"; ESPECIALLY considering the 'external' (if not 'internal') influences. Internal may be due to programming and be a result of the external, but the external may include 'forces', so to say, that may impede/interrupt or try to block your progress as an individual soul.
Saying that, there has been a constant issue of balance in my life since I really think I started to progress a few years ago when I was introduced to the Cassiopaean website. At first, it was constant reading - Not only of the C's material, but also of the many referenced books and material that helped Laura w/ her conclusions. Most of what I was able to read were e-books I found on the web for free as I was jobless mother of two. I found ALOT to read, needless to say. My time was VERY invested in reading all I could about everything that was mentioned and what THOSE e-books mentioned or gave reference to. Then I got a job. I was into the world of people again w/ new eyes and new thoughts. Shortly after I started, the work days involved 10-12 hr days and I stopped reading. This is when I believe I started implementing some of the things I had learned. It was the practice part of the theories.
Less than a year later I moved back in w/ my dad and months after that I lost my job. I desperately sought another job and after a couple of weeks, became invested in reading again. Not even a month later, I was lost in the subjective world again, only reading in short bursts. I never have really found the time to read like I once did and it seemed the short amounts of time that I DID read, it was never enough. So I basically quit, only checking out the SOTT page from time to time and looking up and reading about current things of interest.
*As a side but inclusive note - I have always been the most curious person I know. I even, at one time, made a list of all the things I wanted to look up and read about, but as that list grew and grew, I became discouraged that I would never be able to "find the time" to learn all the things I wanted to know.
A couple of months after losing my job, I started a 6mth course in computers because it is a passion of mine and I knew, for the first time in my life, that this is the career I wanted to pursue. I also wanted, in the future, to be able to provide for my girls in just about every way possible w/out the help that I've currently and in the past received - always at a cost. I no longer wanted the help that I've received from a former spouse or my dad to be held over my head and used against me to make me feel like a failing mother.
So, I enrolled in school and a couple of weeks into it, I was fixated on reading the material and trying to learn at the extremely fast pace in which the school goes. It wasn't long before I realized that I had no time for ANYTHING else, and yet, I still wasn't working. (Time management? lol I'm not too good w/ that and never have been. And yes, I HAVE tried the so-called methods used to learn such, but, to no avail.) Instead of trying to manage my time better, I started a VERY part-time job that barely paid for my gas and cigs each week and got lost, once again, in the subjective world when I got involved w/ some of the people I got to know at my job. Not only did I lose myself during that time period, I also started failing in school. This year is when things have started to come back into focus for me - especially considering school. (Total cost of the schooling is 24k, which my dad co-signed a loan for me w/ interest rates through the roof!! Mind you, it's only a 6mth course, and too much money to be failing. The LAST thing I EVER wanted was to get a mediocre job from this where I'm paying back so much on a monthly basis that I'm STILL unable to provide my girls w/ a better life than what they've had.... and that's REALLY not saying much.)
Many, MANY days and nights have I spent trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong, what I need to be doing, and how to acheive that. I pray to the universe for help - and if I am ready for that help. I ask - not demand. I talk to the universe - sometimes to my "higher self", sometimes to what may be me in the future, sometimes (in 'hope') to an STO entity or force - about what I think I should do and what would subjectively be right. (Yes, I know. Objectively, nothing is right or wrong. It just IS and we will do what we will do. But that's not very helpful to me, right now.)
In trying to balance what I may someday acheive...(as of right now, I don't have a job relating to my schooling, but I know I will as soon as I put the effort into it)...I'm pretty sure there will be that point where I get A job and want to continue pursuing the certifications associated w/ my career choice which will involve ALOT of study time. Yet, each time I try and devote myself to something else, I miss learning about the things in life I know will help me make progressive decisions (i.e. - many of the things discussed on this forum) and I either spend too much time on the study or too little. I'm NEVER in the middle. There have even been small things over the last several months to make me wonder if an external influence is involved w/ all of this. It may all be internal, I know; But I'm asking for help or advice - An outside opinion.
It bothers me quite a bit for the lack of some sort of balance leaves me feeling like I'm failing at everything. It may even be true that I am; But for now, I'll leave it stand as "feeling as if"...
Saying that, there has been a constant issue of balance in my life since I really think I started to progress a few years ago when I was introduced to the Cassiopaean website. At first, it was constant reading - Not only of the C's material, but also of the many referenced books and material that helped Laura w/ her conclusions. Most of what I was able to read were e-books I found on the web for free as I was jobless mother of two. I found ALOT to read, needless to say. My time was VERY invested in reading all I could about everything that was mentioned and what THOSE e-books mentioned or gave reference to. Then I got a job. I was into the world of people again w/ new eyes and new thoughts. Shortly after I started, the work days involved 10-12 hr days and I stopped reading. This is when I believe I started implementing some of the things I had learned. It was the practice part of the theories.
Less than a year later I moved back in w/ my dad and months after that I lost my job. I desperately sought another job and after a couple of weeks, became invested in reading again. Not even a month later, I was lost in the subjective world again, only reading in short bursts. I never have really found the time to read like I once did and it seemed the short amounts of time that I DID read, it was never enough. So I basically quit, only checking out the SOTT page from time to time and looking up and reading about current things of interest.
*As a side but inclusive note - I have always been the most curious person I know. I even, at one time, made a list of all the things I wanted to look up and read about, but as that list grew and grew, I became discouraged that I would never be able to "find the time" to learn all the things I wanted to know.
A couple of months after losing my job, I started a 6mth course in computers because it is a passion of mine and I knew, for the first time in my life, that this is the career I wanted to pursue. I also wanted, in the future, to be able to provide for my girls in just about every way possible w/out the help that I've currently and in the past received - always at a cost. I no longer wanted the help that I've received from a former spouse or my dad to be held over my head and used against me to make me feel like a failing mother.
So, I enrolled in school and a couple of weeks into it, I was fixated on reading the material and trying to learn at the extremely fast pace in which the school goes. It wasn't long before I realized that I had no time for ANYTHING else, and yet, I still wasn't working. (Time management? lol I'm not too good w/ that and never have been. And yes, I HAVE tried the so-called methods used to learn such, but, to no avail.) Instead of trying to manage my time better, I started a VERY part-time job that barely paid for my gas and cigs each week and got lost, once again, in the subjective world when I got involved w/ some of the people I got to know at my job. Not only did I lose myself during that time period, I also started failing in school. This year is when things have started to come back into focus for me - especially considering school. (Total cost of the schooling is 24k, which my dad co-signed a loan for me w/ interest rates through the roof!! Mind you, it's only a 6mth course, and too much money to be failing. The LAST thing I EVER wanted was to get a mediocre job from this where I'm paying back so much on a monthly basis that I'm STILL unable to provide my girls w/ a better life than what they've had.... and that's REALLY not saying much.)
Many, MANY days and nights have I spent trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong, what I need to be doing, and how to acheive that. I pray to the universe for help - and if I am ready for that help. I ask - not demand. I talk to the universe - sometimes to my "higher self", sometimes to what may be me in the future, sometimes (in 'hope') to an STO entity or force - about what I think I should do and what would subjectively be right. (Yes, I know. Objectively, nothing is right or wrong. It just IS and we will do what we will do. But that's not very helpful to me, right now.)
In trying to balance what I may someday acheive...(as of right now, I don't have a job relating to my schooling, but I know I will as soon as I put the effort into it)...I'm pretty sure there will be that point where I get A job and want to continue pursuing the certifications associated w/ my career choice which will involve ALOT of study time. Yet, each time I try and devote myself to something else, I miss learning about the things in life I know will help me make progressive decisions (i.e. - many of the things discussed on this forum) and I either spend too much time on the study or too little. I'm NEVER in the middle. There have even been small things over the last several months to make me wonder if an external influence is involved w/ all of this. It may all be internal, I know; But I'm asking for help or advice - An outside opinion.
It bothers me quite a bit for the lack of some sort of balance leaves me feeling like I'm failing at everything. It may even be true that I am; But for now, I'll leave it stand as "feeling as if"...
