Blood Ties That Blind

[Laura]

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com/2006/12/blood-ties-that-blind.html

Blood Ties That Blind

Nearly all of us have something in our lives that doesn't work, large or small, irritating or overwhelming. Most of us have been carefully taught to avoid ever seeing that 'something' clearly. [This is a theme I tend to bring up a lot: the way we are trained from birth by abusers, to serve as their prey, if we have them in our families of origin.]

One of the most destructive forces I have seen in human interactions is the way people are pressured to mindlessly worship 'blood ties'. The idolatry of 'family', when the family in question is nothing but a toxic trap... and the way that anyone who is in that situation, and wises up, may be ganged up on by people who are completely ignorant of their situation, totally ignorant of psychology and group psychodynamics.

Healthy, good families don't demand worship. They don't 'demand' anything. They just love each other, and wonder what on earth all the fuss and bluster and oracular pronouncements are about.

Merely having similar DNA doesn't mean that you will be similar people in terms of character or tastes. Merely being related to someone doesn't guarantee affinity.

Heck, it doesn't even guarantee that they won't kill you - or try to.

According to a Department of Justice report -- in 2002, ~22% of murders were family murders; ~9% were murder of a spouse, ~6% were murders of a child by a parent, ~7% were murders by other family members.

But get this: From the same report: Females were 58% of family murder victims, and of ALL murders of females in 2002, family members were responsible for 43%.

Think about that. Nearly half of all the girls and women murdered that year were killed by FAMILY.

From reading the report, it looks as though the DOJ doesn't treat murders of girlfriends or boyfriends as family murders. So the stats above apparently just apply to marriages and blood relatives.

Here's a link to the report. Important info, especially for anyone in a DV situation. And anyone who has an abuser telling them that "family" is all that matters.

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/fvs03.pdf

 

[Annette1]

I have the experience (lessons) of having lived in an extremely “dysfunctional” family. My memories from about six years of age are a nightmarish hell. My father held guns on us and threatened to kill us and I was aware that he was mentally unstable enough to do it (and his brother was the district attorney for the city we lived in and ALWAYS defended his brother, no matter what he did). When things finally became unbearable for my mother, she ran off with a psychopathic, ex-convict (with us in tow) who attempted to rape me TWICE. Twice I told my mother and I WAS BLAMED. (I was 12 years old. “Step-father” told my mother I tried to seduce him and she accepted that.) “Step-father" deprived us (I have 3 other siblings), of food, mentally tortured us, beat, kicked, punched or threw us across rooms (hey, I know what it’s like to “fly”). He cut my sister’s eyelashes off for wearing mascara. My mother never attempted to stop him. Eventually (a year after I left home at 17), my mother was jailed as an accomplice to grand theft on account of my “step-father” which finally put the fear in her, so she fled to her brother’s home with my siblings in tow.

I tried to tell other family members and friends of the family what was REALLY going on. NO ONE wanted to know the truth or I was met with silence. In later years, for speaking the truth, I was painted as the “evil” person most adamantly by my mother. By the time I was in my early thirties, I had severed ties with my sister and father completely. By family members and by “outsiders” I was constantly met with an astonished and disdainful, “How could you?? It’s YOUR FATHER. It’s YOUR SISTER.” (In adulthood, both were attempting to wreak havoc in my life via grand scale manipulation and underhandedness.) In short, I was viewed as the “unfeeling, cold” person for taking such action. I have contemplated these reactions long and hard as well as the “family is all that matters” and the “forgive and forget” mindset. Forgiving is one thing and forgetting is another. Some things are just not forgettable especially when one holds a penchant for reality.

I have never regretted my decision. I view it as one of the “healthiest” actions available to me at the time.

Looking back, all this negative stuff has made me stronger. I know what it’s like to speak the truth and be “shouted” down. I’ve seen people avoid truth when it stares them in the face. I’ve heard lots of excuses for avoiding the truth. I am not without fault and know that the truth can be unpleasant, but I’ve always asked how can you make an intelligent decision if you don’t have the truth?

 

[Laura]

I have never regretted my decision. I view it as one of the “healthiest” actions available to me at the time.

I agree, and good for you!

If, at some level, we do get to choose what situation we are born into, maybe sometimes it is to learn exactly this lesson: that blood ties mean nothing if there is no harmony of souls.

 

[Jacques]

If, at some level, we do get to choose what situation we are born into, maybe sometimes it is to learn exactly this lesson: that blood ties mean nothing if there is no harmony of souls.

So much true.

And is-it not amazing that for the Christian, they celebrate during the mass the blood of the Christ and that unite them into one family and they are invited to drink that blood. Is it not a way to make us believe that the blood line is very important?

 

[piranah]

Annette 1 well done for making the break. It cannot have been easy coming to that decision our need for family blinds us to the damage. Women often stay in terrible relationships for the sake of the children who are actually end up being abused mentally or physically along with the mother. As children we love uncondtionally and it is only as adults we can decide who we are going to have contact with. I have found great strength in cutting ties and concentrating on the the ones which are not dysfunctional. Often we live in dysfunction for so long we believe it to be normal.

 

[Annette1]

Annette 1 well done for making the break.

You give me far too much credit! Truth be known, opposed to what I was dealing with and the choice I made, severing ties was definitely easier than “going along with the program”. I was trying to convey that it is actually an easier “path” than one may presume. I say this having been thru it and lived with my choice for over twenty years now. One needs a certain “strength” (resolve) to handle the situation of severing family ties and all that goes along with it, but NO WHERE near the “strength” (try energy drain) to continue on with relationships that are “toxic”, no matter who it is.

Often we live in dysfunction for so long we believe it to be normal.

This is very true and very dangerous.

In my situation, I had children to consider and how my actions would affect them. I chose to limit my action to myself. I did not restrict my children’s contact. Being that we lived on one coast of the USA and my parents lived on the other, contact was limited anyway so this was relatively easy. However, I did keep a close pulse on the contact and only intervened “covertly” when I deemed necessary. (This actually happened only once when my father took the liberty of giving religious instruction to my children, which I expressly forbade, when he had them. I instructed my mother to inform my father for me, and unbeknownst to my children, that he would no longer be allowed to visit with my children alone and if he wished to visit with them adults, specified by me, would have to be present.)

Today, my children are in their thirties. Both my parents are no longer living. My sister is still alive. NO ONE of adult status within my family condones my decision and I am blamed for “casting a pall” on any get-togethers as I decline participation if my sister is to be present. I am always invited and I politely decline. Usually, it goes no further than that, but there have been occasions when the topic was broached. I’ve never asked that my sister be left out of whatever on my account. (This is construed as I force them to make a choice; me or her. From one perspective it is true, however I don't have a problem with them inviting my sister, I simply do not wish to be around her.) I’ve constantly been reminded that “people change”. From my perspective, my sister had 30 years worth of chances; 30 years of wiping the slate clean only to begin again with the same crapola. I don’t bother to “go there” with them in this aspect. I calmly admonish them that they should go and do whatever and enjoy themselves and not to worry over me and that I am sorry that they believe that I am placing a “pall” on their enjoyment of whatever, but if they wish to preceive it that way, so be it. This is the “nicest” way I can tell them that they cannot lead me on a “guilt trip” and/or manipulate me. I got over that one a loooong time ago. Long story short is that my family members have a problem with my decision; I don’t. This is not to say it is not frustrating at times or has not caused me pain. If you allow it to be, it can be an energy drain.

When I made the decision, I felt it was the best decision for my well being. I still believe that. I also made that decision without the knowledge of psychopaths and narcissists or how they operate. This knowledge has only served to reaffirm for me that my choice in my circumstances was positive one.

I am aware that there are others here who are struggling with similar circumstances and I shared my experience to give some insight.

 

[Meg]

When I made the decision, I felt it was the best decision for my well being. I still believe that. I also made that decision without the knowledge of psychopaths and narcissists or how they operate. This knowledge has only served to reaffirm for me that my choice in my circumstances was positive one.

I did the same thing without the knowledge of narcissists and psychopaths. It's been over a year and a half and I don't regret the decision one bit. Although, the programs I have as a result of the socialization thinks it was a bad idea on a regular basis:) It's like the battered wife returning to the abusive husband thinking it's going to be different this time. The predators mind, I suppose.

One of the hardest parts for me was seeing through the illusion of thinking I had this:

Healthy, good families don't demand worship. They don't 'demand' anything. They just love each other, and wonder what on earth all the fuss and bluster and oracular pronouncements are about.

and realizing that I had nothing resembling a healthy, loving relationship with my parents. The programs and societal pressures made me think I did. As piranah stated, "Often we live in dysfunction for so long we believe it to be normal."

Another thing was that had to go was thinking that I was responsible for their emotional "nature", moods, or problems, etc. Once I realized that I wasn't responsible, the decision was easier to make. It wasn't an easy decision, but once I made it, it was the most liberating thing. I was free to become who I wanted to be. I didn't have to think what they thought and believe what they believe or do what they did. It led me to question everything about life and the world we live in and eventually led me to the Wave material and on. Quite liberating.

 

[Annette1]

It wasn't an easy decision, but once I made it, it was the most liberating thing. I was free ....

PRECISELY!!

The psychopaths and narcissists in the population are going to be "blood related" to someone.

 

[anart]

Another thing was that had to go was thinking that I was responsible for their emotional "nature", moods, or problems, etc. Once I realized that I wasn't responsible, the decision was easier to make. It wasn't an easy decision, but once I made it, it was the most liberating thing.

That is a huge one. I too was trained from birth that my parent's emotional well-being rested on my tiny shoulders - I was responsible for them being happy, or sad, or upset, or furious - and my only function was to serve their emotional needs. I really didn't exist outside that function.

Talk about swimming in dirty water so long that you think it's clean. It's taken constant effort to pull away from and out from under that programming, but it is possible and what a life there is once you realize that, for your whole life, you've taken all these things as truth and normal when all that time they were lies and dysfunction - quite liberating indeed.

 

[Ruth]

Sometimes its like observing and trying to interact with a completely different species. Its pretty frustrating.