Re: Conection between relationship and abortions
Odyssey said:
Are you using any method of birth control at the moment?
Hi Odyssey,
I always use birth control methods during my relationship. It is only a point in time that I forgot to take a pill or practiced reverse triggering unwanted pregnancy, the first time during a relationship of eight years and the second time another four years ...
T.C. said:
So you're saying that you aren't happy in this relationship any more because you're not satisfied sexually? Because this sexual problem has created stress and tension in you? In both of you?
I´ve not been able to explain,,,sorry... I'm not happy because I am sexually unsatisfied. In the living I´m happy ... I feel mutual respect, much love, attention and care, sense of humor and enjoy doing things together. When we have different opinions we talk and analyze without going into rancor or competition, but trying to be honest with ourselves talking about our emotions sincerely, so my boyfriend is aware of my sense of dissatisfaction because for two and a half year he still a passive attitude to the problem and also normalizing the situation will be resolved by imagining that one day magically without looking neither analyze himself.
During the first year of the relationship many times I felt sexually unsatisfied, but the last year and a half I have normalized this situation and I have learned to enjoy sex despite ED has been in every meetting.
In fact, during our few sex I feel satisfied despite erectile dysfunction ... it's just that I feel this contradiction within myself .... I feel everyday is happy but also feel an emptiness ... I do not know what gives me this feeling ... After reading the chapter 8 of the book "in Search of the Miraculous" Ouspensky, when he cites with respect to the observation of oneself, interior and exterior identification and consideration "Fear of losing sincerity is of course self-deception" [...] "Man can not help identifying and considering inwardly and can avoid expressing emotions that displease simply because it is weak. the identification, consideration, express the emotions that displease him are manifestations of his weakness, his helplessness, his inability to control himself. But not wanting to admit to himself that weakness, called "sincerity"..... and I fear that that is my attitude when I speak of "sincerity"....
whitecoast said:
One of the most difficult things about relationships is the extent we become emotionally entangled with others. There is a lot of opportunity for hurt, especially when we don't understand what our deepest needs are, or how much our programs and addictions can run the show. Have you had an opportunity to read some of the psychology books related to relationships in the recommended reading? Facing Love Addiction is a personal favorite of mine, as is The Narcissistic Family.
I didn´t find "love addiction" in the recommended reading but I looked out and I found it in Spanish, arrives next week, I have really wanted to start it!
I was reading about the Narcissistic Family and I watched the program sott radio about this ... really it helped me a lot to understand certain behaviors of me in my relations ... Realizing the problems that my parents had in their relationship and as my mother tried to save the relationship at any price enduring psychological abuse and lack of respect from my father ... my two grandmothers also had similar relationships ... and like this, so to speak, condition to me becoming a victim of family narcissism, in turn victims also my mother and grandmothers ... and may explain my inability to leave relationships and my resistance to save them. I think it may be one of my programs ...
whitecoast said:
I get the impression your unconscious has sort of made its mind up about the relationship, but is just trying to reason its way around a buffer which prevents you from leaving. [...] It sounds like you're aware of dissatisfaction, but don't know what keeps you. I feel if you don't understand this vital component, this same thing will drag you back into the same situation once again.
Continuing reading Ouspensky when he speaks of "buffer" [....] They have behind them many years of wrong and stupid life, excesses in all kinds of weaknesses, close their eyes to their own mistakes, fight to avoid all unpleasant truths, to continually lie, to justify themselves, blaming others. All this can not but affect the machine. The machine is dirty ... have formed aritificiales, stops mechanisms. [...] The cause of their appearance is that exist in man many contradictions: contradiction of opinions, feelings, sympathies, words and actions. [...] "Buffers" are created slowly and gradually. Many buffers are artificially created during the'education' process. Others are created under the hypnotic influence of the life around us. [...] By mimicking their opinions, their actions and their words, man involuntarily creates similar buffers inside. Buffers make a person's life easier. [...] But the man override the possibility of inner development that buffers are made to absorb shock and it is these that can get the state you live in, that is, to wake him. [...] The buffers help man not to feel his moral conscience. [...] To understand the interrelationship between the true and the false in life, man must know the falsehood within himself, continuous and incessant lies he counted himself.
In my opinion this has direct relation with Narcissistic Family behavior... You´re right Whitecoast... I´m aware of dissatisfaction, but I don´t know what keeps me... I think I have plenty of buffer but I don´t know which are and how to fight them...
whitecoast said:
a part of me wonders if you're simply afraid of abandonment and being single? Have you had many dates or relationships, how long do they normally last, and how does this relationship compare? What similarities are there between partners?
My first relationship began when I was 17 and lasted 7 years ... It was a storm from the beginning ... he comes from a family of alcoholic mother who died when he was 18 years with two younger brothers and a father also alcoholic and he unloaded all his fury on me. He needed to sink to feel good. Every day there was trouble than I was to blame and he lacked respect insulting me and yelling at me as if he were my own, when we were alone and also before people even our families and our friends ... as a result of this I I thought everything he told me that I was a bad person, that was useless, that he disliked people and that I was to blame for everything. I lost confidence in myself and my self-esteem did not exist, he managed to separate me of my friends even my family .... Despite this sex worked, or at least this is what I thought, it was my first experience, I now realize that there was any connection inside these sexual encounters and the last 2 year relationship I felt rejected when he tried to touch me ... I thought during the 8 years to leave the relationship but I was unable not until I got pregnant ... and I felt I did not want to have a child of that relationship and realized I had to leave.
My second relationship began after spending a single year ... Here's attitude was completely different guy to me. He never insulted me and disrespected me, on the contrary he treated me like a princess and my self-esteem levels grow. This guy had a cocaine addiction, was not every day or every week ... but if every two months or so ...
This was affecting the relationship and causing me to lose the illusion of future with him, I spoke many times with him telling how my feelings for him were changing and what I thought about his addiction and suggested seek help and work on his problem trying to save the relationship .... He, on the other hand, thought it was not a problem and didn´t need help. So I decided to leave the relationship. He became the victim and came every week for a year to my house to mourn and ask forgiveness and try to recover. With this guy sex worked better than in the first relationship, I felt deeper and felt a lot of attraction, so many times after leaving the relationship we had sex ... I did not feel good about it but I felt guilty because he was shattered and accessed, feeling even worse after these meetings but not knowing how to stop them ...
I also had a relationship with another guy this year, from the first moment I felt and said him I didn´t want a relationship with him but something caught me and despite the conflicts in my mind could not leave ... until I was left again pregnant ... Then I realized I had to and end the two relationships.
After this relationship I was single for 3 years with a sporadic relationship that lasted 3 months. I must emphasize that both the 1-year relationship with another boy as sporadic 3 months and my current relationship. They are my friends 12 years ago. I realized that there is somethind I´m not able to learn so this is spinning me in circles and I back the same situation once again...
Laura said:
My first impression is rather that you have too much focus on sex, that this focus has brought you in the past to rather unpleasant situations, and that you are the one with the problem and the Universe is giving you a mirror, so to say.
I haven't seen you doing much "work" around these parts.
For a long time in my current relationship was thinking that I was giving too much emphasis to sex and that perhaps it was for this that was causing the problem was more important ... I started thinking that if I downplayed the physical fact of erectile dysfunction it would tend to fall slowly, controlling my emotions of dissatisfaction and trying to empathize with him ... trying to practice a different sex without penetration aim to help you overcome your fear, I thought that if her fear was not being able to achieve the objective, then if we remove the lens also eliminate the fear and self-esteem and confidence grow.
I also tormented him with the mirror and my reflection in it ... then very superficially thought that I who have sexual problems and the Universe is showing me through it.
I think your words Laura I understood that the mirror doesn´t show me any of that, but is rather the passive attitude of him what makes me angry and that's just my reflection, my passive attitude not acting against the situation, I blame him of the problem and I don´t see my own fault ... I'm the one who is not working for nothing, it´s me who has mental programs and that's what I think it shows me the mirror...
Siberia said:
Those are conflicting feelings indeed. Which one of those two is genuine and not emotionally driven? Do you really feel "a connection in levels of respect, affection, communication and sincerity" or you feel that the relationship is toxic and you should leave it?
I feel this contradiction within me. Comparing my current partner with others I realize that respect, affection, care, communication ... have evolved about my previous relationships but at the same time I do not feel good and feel I should leave the relationship. .. Perhaps it may be for this system buffer that tOuspensky speaks about and I try to understand myself...
Siberia said:
provided, it seems that you are generally satisfied with your relationship, but feel somewhat bereft by the lack of your partner's efforts to solve his problem. Is this picture accurate?
Exactly! It was my first picture.... but after reading all of you I realized it´s me who is not making efforts to solve the problem...
Siberia said:
Considering the recurring problem of unwanted pregnancies in your family, perhaps by depriving you of this aspect of your relationship the Universe is trying to give you a chance to slow down , so that you could build a stable relationship with strong and deep bonding on all levels before you make such serious decisions as planning a pregnancy? In this context, the problem could be perceived more like a "blessing" than a "curse"
I totally agree with you ... I was thinking of my mother and grandmother when they were unwanted pregnancies have led to toxic relationships all your life ... and as own and social programs of the time did not consider the possibility abortion and unwanted pregnancy as an opportunity and a gift from the universe to learn, help themselves and walk on this path ... So I think it was that gift for me...
hesperides said:
I can only give one of many interpretations based on narcissism traits that most people suffer from in our present times, supposing that´s your case too, of course.
For sure narcissism traits is my case too...
hesperides said:
The first thing I thought when reading your post goes like this. As long as you felt sexuality needs were safe in your past toxic relationships, you felt sort of trapped within them and was unable to follow your gut advices. Apparently now you´re living the reverse situation, feeling ok in your daily interaction with your friend, but not in your intimacy, so that your conscious awareness may have an opportunity to be drawn on the real problem from which you seem to have been unwittingly escaping so far.
Paying attention and considering your words ... I have come to the conclusion that this is how you say ... This current problem actually teaches me that the same problem has always been there in all my relationships but I was not able to see .... I think I tend to have relationships with guys who have not intend to work on themselves ... either a problem of family trauma resulting in possessive and violent behavior as it was in my first relationship, or by a problem of addiction in the second, or a sexual problem as the current relationship ... it shows me that the basic problem in all relationships is that I tried to empathize with them when they have not asked me for help or want to work with themselves and I have not respected this and I've entangled in things that are not mine and I forgot to do my real work, analyzing others without first analyzing me ... and I can not understand the machine if others do not understand the first own mine...
Now, being aware of all this ... I feel empty, as if nothing made sense ... I feel guilty of the damage that will cause you to my partner if I leave the relationship and that makes me feel bad person, hypocrite for having created that feeling of guilt in him ... but I feel that neither will grow if we do not continue the separate ways ... still I find it hard to find the right time to tell my analysis and my decision ... continue I am having mixed feelings and I feel that I have not been able to learn anything all this time with all my relationships .... as if somehow read all these concepts and see in me but I am not able to put theory into practice and Act...
