Controlling People Driven by Fear

Joe

Joe

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I found this quote very relevant and true, thought I would share.

Fear is a key commonality among controlling persons. Knowing your needs and fears will make you understand why you control, even when you are not aware that you are controlling. You’ll also be better able to grasp the source of the negative messages from your “inner voice”.

The inner voice's critical messages in controlling persons, no matter how mystifying, is driven by FEARS: fear of being seen as flawed, fear of feeling powerless, fear of feeling invalidated, fear of feeling vulnerable, fear of losing emotional control.

One of the fascinating aspects of human behavior is that it often compensates in reverse and generally without being aware of it. Someone who feels particularly small may go around acting larger than life. Someone who feels adrift in an emotional rapids may become expressionless. Someone who fears rejection may reject others first. Feeling flawed, controlling persons aimed at being perfect. Feeling small, they act big. Feeling afraid, they frighten others. Feeling bad about themselves, they shame others. Feeling wrong, they insist on being right. Feeling doubt, they confuse. Feeling deprived, they withhold.

The need to feel powerful and worthy becomes a life-or-death crisis. Avoiding vulnerability is suddenly a matter of survival because powerlessness, vulnerability, and unworthiness remind them of their desperate days, when they felt flawed, full of doubt, out of control, and afraid of their lives.

Unconsciously, they adopt myths about themselves: the self-made man, the perfect wife, the good provider, the in-control husband, etc. These myths give them the illusion that they are in total control of their destinies, masters of the universe after a childhood of feeling little mastery. To admit anything different would once more leave controlling persons feeling powerless. This may explain why some of them seem disconnected form the present, often unaware of their surroundings and feelings. Living in the moment risks loss of control and lacks guarantees - exactly how controlling persons felt when they had little mastery (childhood trauma). Controlling persons are often unaware of why they act as they do. If they realized what lay underneath their maladaptive behavior, they'd have to face their painful experiences, their dependency on others for their feelings of self-worth, and their desperate hunger for the symbols of success. They'd have to face the fact that they are as controlled as anyone else.

Controlling persons rarely learned that facing their feelings or admitting their limits can be healing. Because they try to control everything, they tend to think that others are doing the same. Since most controllers want to be sure they are never dominated, they move to control first. Again, is worth repeating the lack of awareness of this process.

In short, being a controlling person is a defensive action. A combination of factors - how the controlling person was raised, lack of knowing better, external events, internal needs, and the footprints of trauma - leave controlling persons, unless they get help, playing out a lifelong defensive drama. Even as adults no longer at the mercy of past vulnerabilities and trauma, most controlling persons dare not acknowledge how powerless they once felt.

Because in the past they didn't get sufficient help, attention, and love, controlling persons generally feel that they are not adequate - though they may act in quite the opposite way. Controlling is a futile effort to secure guarantees that they will be loved and safe rather than powerless, invalidated, or out of control. Yet it is costly because: Persons who fear being judged as flawed can never let others see them as they truly are. Persons who need to feel powerful must always be on guard against threats to their power. Persons who fear invalidation cannot tolerate questions or uncertainty. Persons who fear vulnerability view everything and everyone as potentially threatening. Persons who must avoid feeling out of control are likely to miss out on joy, spontaneity, and love.
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This is so true. I have seen so much of this in me and around me I was desperately looking how to get rid of these fears which I think should be the next step. The fact is, most of the time we look for something to solve the problem without making the effort, feeling the pain which must necessarily be present in this process, a shortcut; at least this is the case for me or so I think.

Often thought that exploring these fears to the core, getting to their root causes was the first step to get rid of them, but think I have never been able to do so even once. So can not say if it works or not. Perhaps others have tried? Will be more than happy to learn from your experiences if you choose to share them.

Recently, I came to a conclusion that I can still not adopt as certain but for which there is already a powerful healing technique. I am suspecting that fears, like some other traits, share a common root: repressed emotions. And for them, we already have the EE program to help us out.
Just some thoughts I have about fears.

Your quote is very interesting Perceval; is it from a book? Will be interested to familiarize with the work it's part of.
 
IMO, one of the most useful quotes :flowers:

The quote was quite edited, but the essence remains.
http://www.health-matrix.net/blog/health-education/51-parkinsons-disease-28-tips-and-an-inner-view
(half way through) :halo:

But some of the original text can be found here:
http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=2832.msg52088#msg52088
 
Dingo said:
Hi Marcus-Aurelius, what is the EE program?

Many thanks
Dean
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Hi, the EE program can be found here:

http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=12837.msg92389#msg92389
 
Psyche said:
IMO, one of the most useful quotes :flowers:

The quote was quite edited, but the essence remains.
http://www.health-matrix.net/blog/health-education/51-parkinsons-disease-28-tips-and-an-inner-view
(half way through) :halo:

But some of the original text can be found here:
http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=2832.msg52088#msg52088
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Thanks for the second link Psyche! I am not sure about the first link though, it seems to be about Parkinsons, is that the link you were intending?
 
Thanks for sharing this Perceval! These words certainly ring true for me.

This reminds me a lot of Alice Miller's, The Drama of the Gifted Child and how she describes the fine-line difference between grandiose and depression.
 
Nicolas said:
Thanks for the second link Psyche! I am not sure about the first link though, it seems to be about Parkinsons, is that the link you were intending?
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It is because the quote, as edited in this way, appeared there as a general introduction for controlling dynamics which might be an issue in Parkinson's (like Louise Hay said, Parkinson's= "wanting to control everything and everyone").

The original text is slightly different, but can be found in the second link: http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=2832.msg52088#msg52088 It is a wounded dynamic, a result of narcissistic parenting or trauma.
 
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