Dealing with Programs

[gwb1995]

Hi all,

I was not sure where to place this post, so I am placing here. Moderators, please assist me and move if necessary to the proper place. I started to start this thread in The Work, but I was unsure of my thinking.


I have an issue that has caused me great difficulty over the length of this life. After a lot of recapitulation, reading, and learning from this site, I am sure it is a program. This happens to me on a pretty regular basis, about once every 12 to 18 months. In times past, it actually was running for a period of 5 straight years, and maybe longer, as I was so unaware at that time. It surely has been running most, if not all of this life in some manner or form.

Let me try to define what happens when this program takes hold of me and how it affects me. It usually starts with a lot of job stress, and then when combined with other stresses, starts to take hold. Some of the past stresses are family issues, relationship issues, and confusion over what is really happening in this world, and the general fear of what I could sense that all was not right in what I was being told.

When it comes to today, the things that start things rolling are the same job stresses, what I am learning about the things happening in our universe, and what I am starting to understand about what is really happening to our planet.
I have learned a lot of what my family issues were doing to me via recapitulation, and also how I was being impacted in previous relationships, but still the program keeps finding a way to take over and shut me down. I do understand the process of self observation and working to learn about ones I’s. I also understand that it takes a long time to actually make progress in this process. What I don't seem to be able to do is make progress and gain the knowledge necessary to shut down this program and identify it before I have become totally captured by it when it hits/attacks me.

When it happens, I start shutting down, and start cutting off communication with anyone I can. I shut out trusted people in my life, stop calling them, answering their calls, emails, etc. I pull myself as far away from anyone and everyone I can. I only interact with those that I absolutely have to, such as customers at work, etc. On this last occurrence, I stopped posting on this forum for two weeks. I read a lot of posts that I wanted to comment on, but could not make myself post.

It seems that when this happens, it is a two to three day process for things to take full effect, and it lasts now about two to three weeks. It is not like depression in my opinion, as I can function, am fully aware and capable of doing what I need daily, with the exception of cutting off everyone and everything that I can. In other words, I can do what I must to survive on a day to day basis, but it shuts me down on everything else.

I have read and reread all the suggested books pertaining to psychopathy, etc., and have a good understanding of them (IMHO). I am missing something and/or a lot of things here and seek any assistance this forum can provide.
Any thoughts or assistance will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your consideration and assistance,

gwb

 

[Laura]

It sounds to me like depression even if you think it is not. You aren't depressed to the point of not being functional, but your life and interactions are certainly depressed, or you have chosen to suppress certain things to conserve energy. That means that you are losing energy. Probably, when you have negative feelings about things, you think somehow that this is wrong or bad and you need to get a handle on yourself until you can feel positive again, so you shut down whatever you can until you do feel "more positive."

There can be a number of reasons for depression, not the least of which are nutritional - like toxic overload, etc. Read the thread "Depression as a Stepping Stone" http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=2832.0 and "The Usefulness of the Negative Half of the Emotional Center" http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=7197.0

 

[gwb1995]

I will read the suggested material and go from there. I do think you may be on the right track about the energy situation. I definitely feel very low on energy when I am experiencing these periods. Now I am wondering if this is why I have been sick so often these past two years. It seems that I have had to deal with a lot of stomach problems and chest congestion, especially in the winter months.

I had started trying to detox, but got off track with this latest shut down. I wondered at first if the detox program was causing these problems, but I am pretty sure it is not related since I can identify the symptoms from previous events like this last one.

Thank you Laura for your thoughts,

gwb

 

[gwb1995]

Laura,

Just wanted to pass on my sincere 'Thank You' for suggesting I read "Depression as a Stepping Stone" and "The Usefulness of the Negative Half of the Emotional Center". I have learned much since reading all of both posts more than a few times. I would say that the biggest hit for me, was that I was avoiding the truth when it comes to depression. I was doing everything possible to find 'any reason' other than depression as the source of my problems. I am still working through this issue, but have made some real progress IMO.

One thing I have learned from this, is that my thoughts on this being one long term problem were incorrect. I have discovered that most of the events in my early life were not the same as the ones I have experienced later in this life. The events early in my life were related to my fighting for acceptance from my father and mother. I realized that these events were related to my needing to be acknowledged as a good son by my parents, and that I did not shut down as I have in my adult life. It was more of a temper tantrum and emotional demand for attention. I know that I have more work to do here and I am doing so daily.

The events in my adult life are related to depression as I understand it now. My lack of understanding and knowledge about depression led to my refusal to accept the truth of the situation. Yes, I can see ties to my childhood are involved, but I think other things are involved now. I can see how my inability to deal with my petty tyrants plays a big part in the problem.

At least I have a valuable resource to share and seek assistance from, the forum.

Thanks again,

gwb