RyanX
The Living Force
Mods, this post could probably go under the "family life" forum too if you think that is appropriate.
First of all I want to thank Gonzo for recommending this book to me. This has been an eye opening book on some of the painful psychology children endure during a divorce and how to ameliorate it. I think that for parents who are divorced, this book should be recommended reading. It seemed to me like a great example of "knowledge protects". Even for those attempting to help these parents and children (lawyers, guardian ad litems, judges, psychologists, etc) an understanding of "divorce poison" is vital to helping these children and ultimately the whole family.
So what is "divorce poison" exactly?
"Divorce Poison" is Warshak's phrase to describe Parental Alienation Syndrom (PAS) or as he often calls it in the book Pathological Alienation Syndrom (since it can come from people other than just "parents" and usually effects entire families instead of just the "parents").
What divorce poison describes is a process by which one parent (the favored parent) by some means such as bad-mouthing, lying or even brainwashing the children into hating the other parent (the target parent). As you can imagine, this describes a general process, but there are a lot of subtleties involved. These cases are fundamentally different from situations where children suffer extreme physical, sexual or emotional abuse by a parent and the alienation of that parent is thus deserved. Typically children who are manipulated by the favored parent into hating the target parent has a certain consistency in their reactions to the target parent such as:
1.) Using adult language to express their hatred of the target parent. Sometimes not even understanding the meaning of the words they use.
2.) Giving trivial excuses why they hate the target parent.
3.) Unreasonably hating not just the target parent, but the target parent's whole family and sometimes even pets as well!
4.) Showing no fear of the target parent (but often showing fear of the favored parent)
5.) When shown photographs or video of having fun times in the past with the target parent, these children often make the excuse that they were "only having fun because the favored parent was there", or they were "faking it".
So these are the typical signs. Divorce poison according to Warshak happens fast! The children could be perfectly loveable and agreeable one weekend and then begin to display rage and hatred for the target parent the next weekend. It can be that quick! The effects from this, if not countered, can last a lifetime too. So how does divorce poison happen?
Although Warshak only mentions parental Narcissism in passing, I found his description of divorce poison to be just a specialized case of family Narcissism. Children are emotionally manipulated by the favored parent into hating the target parent. They do this because of their fear to lose the love and affection of the favored parent. They see it as their only way to cope and receive love from the target parent. So at a very deep level, these children are emotionally programmed to hate their other parent, the "target". These children do not have the emotional strength or knowledge to assert themselves to the favored parent and tell them they do not want to be put in the middle of an ongoing battle. The adults who manipulate their children in this way are often Narcissistic themselves, unable to adequately handle their own feelings of anger or jealously and have little to no respect for the emotional boundary between them and their children.
But divorce poison doesn't have to be overt either. Sometimes just having the children overhear rage filled conversations the favored parent has with friends expressing their most infantile feelings about the target parent is enough to subtly pressure the children into hating the target. A constant look of disgust in the favored parents face whenever the children mention the target parent can have the same effect as well. Blocking all conversation about about the target parent and selectively mentioning the bad traits about the target parent can slowly program the children into hating the target as well. Children are incredibly vulnerable during the time just after a divorce and unfortunately this is also the time when adults are also at their worse.
But an ex spouse can initiate divorce poison at any time and for any reason; a missed child support payment, sudden unemployment, a remarriage. These are all situations that can bring about unresolved feelings in either parent that might cause them to overtly or subtly implant hate into the psyche of their children.
So what to do?
In the introduction of the book, Warshak relates a letter from a fellow psychotherapist he calls Moria. She suffered from divorce poison throughout her childhood and she describes what happened and ultimately what she felt could have brought about a different outcome. I found this letter to be one of the most powerful parts of the book and I think it really explains how this process appears from the child's perspective.
[quote author=Warshak]
[quote author=Moria]I was about eleven at the time. My first memory of my mother expressing outrage that I still loved my father was when my father took me out to lunch to tell me about the divorce and tell me what my life would be like after the divorce. I recall asking if it would be like a friend's situation and he said yes. This friend enjoyed a good relationship with both parents and I recall feeling satisfied with this, and not feeling frightened at all about the changes that would occur in our lives. When I came into the house my mother immediately asked me how I felt and I said fine and she burst into tears and raged at me for the first time in my life. She repeatedly stated that if it was her father who left her mother, she would be so angry that she'd never speak to her father again. I clearly recall thinking, "uh oh, I'm not supposed to be okay with this." I still remember my father being so surprised and confused the next time we talked and I expressed anger toward him and "outrage" that he was leaving us.[/quote]
The rapid onset of alienation is shocking to parents, but as I describe in this book, quite typical. Alienating parents are proud of their closeness to their children. They fail to appreciate that the children hide a crucial aspect of themselves from the favored parent. The children learn to conceal any positive feelings they have about the other parent. The letter goes on:
[quote author=Moria]
That experience marked the beginning of my mother's systematic "brainwashing" of us. Each time I was with my father our relationship would return to normal as would my feelings for him. But upon coming home I was literally bombarded by my mother who fired questions at me asking me how I felt, what we did, etc. I recall her telling me that he was undependable, that he didn't really care, and that if I still loved him it was only because he was brainwashing me!
[/quote]
Another point I make in the book is that often, the parent who first accuses the other of divorce poison is the one most guilty of it.
[quote author=Moria]
This is what life was like throughout adolescence. Whether it was my mother constantly putting my father in no-win situations as proof of his horrible nature, or my mother telling my father (without our knowledge) that we didn't want to talk to him because we were disgusted by him (and then getting off the phone to tell one of us that he didn't want to talk to us because he was upset with us!), or her encouraging us to write our feelings in a letter to him that she said we would never mail, and then mailing it to him without our knowledge. My mother was also very indiscriminate in whom she badmouthed my father to - particularly anyone who expressed concern for him. Most people backed away from him because they just didn't like the mess, which left us with the sense that she was immensely powerful, no one really saw the truth, so what was the point of fighting it. My father never badmouthed my mother. If we ever did complain about her to him, I recall that the most he would say was, "she hurts the ones she loves the most."
[/quote]
A central theme of my book is the responsibility to be proactive in helping children understand and cope with divorce poison. This book emphasizes the importance of helping children clarify reality, something this woman's father failed to do.
[quote author=Moria]
Now here is something that I don't think people can understand unless they have been an alienated child. After years of counseling that did absolutely nothing, and various people asking me if I was "okay" (I always said yes), my father (who had historically been passive and just backed away in response to my mother's caustic behavior) finally approached me at about age seventeen and said that he was hurt by my constant rejection of him and that he felt as though I was being coached to hate him, and was being told things that were not true. He then asked me how I thought he felt in all of this. What is so odd is the effect this had on me - it was almost as if it allowed me to come out of a trance. For years I had just robotically repeated what my mother said, even though I did struggle with it internally, and my father's direct but respectful confrontation of our relationship broke the trance instantly. My point is that there was nothing to indicate that my passionately expressed hatred and rejection of him wasn't authentic, but it wasn't and it was wiped away far more easily and quickly than I think anyone could possibly have imagined (even myself). I recall immediately feeling relief and a flooding of all my real emotions for him. The experience is quite odd in retrospect, because I do believe at that point that I believed what my mother told me, but if I did then how was it that this gentle confrontation on my father's part so easily broke through?
[/quote]
The feeling Moria describes of being in a trance is a clue that divorce poison resembles other forms of mind control. It is vital that rejected parents, judges, and therapists understand how even the most vociferously angry children may cast off their alienation when given the right opportunity.
[quote author=Moria]
I agree with my father's decision not to badmouth my mother, but where I think he made a mistake was in not confronting her mischaracterizations and lies earlier and not advocating for us more. I agree with you when you say that a passive approach is not always best. My mother had our ear constantly, and we had to "go with the program" in order to survive in that house, but we also didn't have an alternate opinion - we didn't have any other input to support our true feelings, thus it often felt like we weren't strong enough to believe in our truth without some outside force to support it. When my mother would lie to us, my father was so afraid of burdening us with his perspective that he often said nothing. My aunt later told me just how grieved my father was and how my aunt would tell him that some day we'd "get it" and we'd come back to him. I just feel as though there were wasted years because I could have been convinced of reality much, much sooner had he been a bit more proactive.
[/quote]
Moria and her dad are among the lucky ones. Too many children never recapture a positive relationship with the parent they reject. Even those who overcome their estrangement have to live with the painful knowledge of all that was missed in what some call "the lost years."
[quote author=Moria]
A few more things that you might find interesting - my father was actually very easy-going, sometimes to the point of being passive, never raising his voice and was very reliable. Yet that didn't stop my mother from describing him as angry, violent, mean and unreliable, particularly when he attempted to stand up to her. I began to believe her characterizations of him even though there was absolutely no evidence to support her allegations, yet in the absence of evidence my mother would create it, which made it very confusing for us children. For instance, after my father moved he would often send us airline tickets for a visit. Often they would never arrive and my mother would use this as "evidence" that he never followed through with his promises. I believe I was about eighteen when I found that cache of tickets hidden in a drawer in her room.
[/quote]
It is this type of manipulation that leads me to conclude that it is a mistake for custody evaluators and courts to routinely assume that both parents contribute equally to a child's estrangement. I have heard from others who learned later in life that their favored parent concealed from them the financial contributions of their rejected parent. The result is that children grow up feeling unloved by the absent parent, and this makes them even more likely to try to please one parent by disparaging the other.
Moria goes on to illustrate something that the therapists in my audiences do not enjoy hearing. Too many professionals have a poor grasp of these problems. They not only fail to help. They make things worse.
[quote author=Moria]
One more thing. The counselors in our lives did far more damage than good. My mother was wonderful at manipulating them, and we simply didn't have a voice or the words to describe what was going on. It was far too scary for us to speak the truth (particularly when she was there in the room!) and all she had to do was go in, play the victim of an angry and abandoning man and each counselor bought it without question. I can't tell you how many times my father was dragged in for counseling sessions while I was given a scripted list of grievances to share with him. I also recall my father telling me later how confused he was because he didn't know I felt that way - the truth is that I didn't but did not have the words or insight to tell him what was really going on - part of me knew it was all a lie and another part of me worked furiously to believe the lies because it seemed easier and more convenient. I vividly recall a counselor hugging my crying mother by the elevator one evening after a session and telling her what a good mother she was. My mother used this as a weapon against us for years stating that a licensed counselor told us she was a good mother, therefore she must be!
My siblings and I are all very close and have talked intermittently about what we went through, although none of us knew until recently that this is something so widespread and systematic. I for one become so angry when I hear counselors or court advocates claim that parental alienation isn't possible - that children can't be brainwashed. I endured implanted memories and constant attacks if I exercised my right to have a different opinion or relationship with my father. Sometimes I agreed with her just to get her to stop, and ultimately I was not strong enough to manage to dissonance of acting one way and feeling another. So I changed my feelings to match my behavior to rid myself of the dissonance, but the truth never really left me and merely laid dormant until someone (my father) said something which resonated with my truth and validated my true beliefs.
[/quote]
Moria shares this hard-on lesson with rejected parents. Remember that she is both a victim of alienation and a mental health professional.
[quote author=Moria]
I suggest to alienated parents not to give up, to see their children as co-victims, not as abusers allied with the alienating parent, to not assume that what the alienated child is saying is what they are feeling (even if the child doesn't know this), to not confuse badmouthing with self-advocacy, and to know that the alienation may not be nearly as deep as it may appear. I think one of the biggest challenges alienated parents must face is that to navigate the crisis effectively requires almost constant counter-intuitive responses.
[/quote]
[/quote]
A large portion of the book is dedicated to the coaching of parents on how to deal with alienated children. This is a most difficult task and often depends on factors that may be out of a parent's control such as court orders and visitation rights.
One point that Warshak tries to stress is that constant contact is essential in countering divorce poison. In other words, if you see your kids every other weekend and maybe for longer periods during the holidays and summer this is probably not good enough to overcome alienation. The more the children are around you, enjoy good times with you and see you act in an adult manner, the less likely they will be manipulated into believing lies about you or feeling backed into an emotional corner when they are with the favored parent. If you can get a court order to allow equal or close to equal visitation periods, this is optimal. In the most sever cases of alienation drastic measures may be needed and Warshak describes many examples of what this might entail in the book.
Another big point he touches on is how to deal with children when they express this projected anger onto you. It is important to remember that children most often do not believe they are being manipulated. They believe their feelings of anger for you are genuine, so it is important not to lecture them or brush aside their feelings as unimportant. This will backfire. The important thing to do is to validate their feelings, express empathy for the anger that they feel. They need to know that you understand what they are going through, even though you might know better than the feelings are the result of brainwashing or manipulation.
Then the difficult part is finding ways of helping children understand the process of divorce poison. Children need to understand that people can be brainwashed and made to think and feel things that aren't true. Pointing out how modern advertising works might be a good way to convey this point. Another way might be to show them movies where brainwashing is a central theme and then have a discussion about it after the movie.
After this you can move on to describing emotional boundaries to them. You can ask them about their favorite foods. Ask a child what her favorite food is and then show her how maybe you or another sibling hate that food and that it is okay to still like that food even though others might hate it. Try to help them come up with their own examples of this and let them know that it is OK to have their own feelings about things. Then work your way up to people and how it is okay to like or dislike certain people. It's also may be important to do this over a prolonged period of time and reiterate past lessons often so that it sticks in their minds.
A parent must show their children what it means to assert their feelings and advocate for themselves. A lot of adults have a problem with this already, so it might be best to work on this oneself before attempting to teach it to children. This is where I think the Big 5 psychology books mentioned on these forums can really help. Along these lines, Warshak also mentions is that if your children do show signs of alienation, don't first assume that the problem is your ex brainwashing them. Take a good look at yourself or ask a friend or group you trust to be objective to see if there is any way they can first improve their relationship with the children. Sometimes this isn't always easy for parents, but in these situations it becomes necessary.
Aside from educating the children and showing them how to be assertive with their feelings, probably the most effective technique to turn the tide in their heart is to find an enjoyable activity to share with them. Don't force them to do something with you, but show them something fun or interesting and then build on that, diverting them from the pain and confusion they feel. Surround yourself with other family members and show them that you are a lovable and worthy person of love. Once they are having a good time, these are also the best times to bring up the issues of divorce poison. They will be more likely to listen to you if they're having a good time.
Warshak goes into a lot of other techniques in the book, which I won't expound here. These are the main ones I think and the ones that most everybody can do who is confronted by this type of situation. The book is written in such a way where a lot of material is repeated. So even if you pick it up and start reading a middle chapter, you can probably pick up on most of the general points he made earlier in the book.
One method of countering divorce poison that he mentions (although doesn't emphasize by any means) that I don't agree with is the use of religious programming to counter the negative programming by a vindictive ex. The most common example being the command "love thy mother and thy father". While this might work with some kids who have been religiously brainwashed at an early age, I don't think it is healthy in the long run and doesn't help them to think for themselves. Other than that, most of his techniques made sense to me and are practical and accessible to most people. The basic idea is to educate your children about the objective reality and give them the emotional strength and assertiveness to overcome any brainwashing or manipulation.
The last chapter of the book deals with how to get professional help, both in the legal and therapeutic sense. While he makes a good effort to outline some of the general situations in courts, I don't think this will be very useful for most people. Courts vary by a large degree from region to region. I think one's best bet in these cases is to find a competent lawyer who can give them a better assessment of what is possible in their divorce case. Not all of the legal options he describes are going to be available to everyone, everywhere.
Otherwise, I thought this was a really insightful book given my own divorce situation. I know there are a few others on here who are either going through divorce or may have already been through a divorce, so I hope this review can help.
First of all I want to thank Gonzo for recommending this book to me. This has been an eye opening book on some of the painful psychology children endure during a divorce and how to ameliorate it. I think that for parents who are divorced, this book should be recommended reading. It seemed to me like a great example of "knowledge protects". Even for those attempting to help these parents and children (lawyers, guardian ad litems, judges, psychologists, etc) an understanding of "divorce poison" is vital to helping these children and ultimately the whole family.
So what is "divorce poison" exactly?
"Divorce Poison" is Warshak's phrase to describe Parental Alienation Syndrom (PAS) or as he often calls it in the book Pathological Alienation Syndrom (since it can come from people other than just "parents" and usually effects entire families instead of just the "parents").
What divorce poison describes is a process by which one parent (the favored parent) by some means such as bad-mouthing, lying or even brainwashing the children into hating the other parent (the target parent). As you can imagine, this describes a general process, but there are a lot of subtleties involved. These cases are fundamentally different from situations where children suffer extreme physical, sexual or emotional abuse by a parent and the alienation of that parent is thus deserved. Typically children who are manipulated by the favored parent into hating the target parent has a certain consistency in their reactions to the target parent such as:
1.) Using adult language to express their hatred of the target parent. Sometimes not even understanding the meaning of the words they use.
2.) Giving trivial excuses why they hate the target parent.
3.) Unreasonably hating not just the target parent, but the target parent's whole family and sometimes even pets as well!
4.) Showing no fear of the target parent (but often showing fear of the favored parent)
5.) When shown photographs or video of having fun times in the past with the target parent, these children often make the excuse that they were "only having fun because the favored parent was there", or they were "faking it".
So these are the typical signs. Divorce poison according to Warshak happens fast! The children could be perfectly loveable and agreeable one weekend and then begin to display rage and hatred for the target parent the next weekend. It can be that quick! The effects from this, if not countered, can last a lifetime too. So how does divorce poison happen?
Although Warshak only mentions parental Narcissism in passing, I found his description of divorce poison to be just a specialized case of family Narcissism. Children are emotionally manipulated by the favored parent into hating the target parent. They do this because of their fear to lose the love and affection of the favored parent. They see it as their only way to cope and receive love from the target parent. So at a very deep level, these children are emotionally programmed to hate their other parent, the "target". These children do not have the emotional strength or knowledge to assert themselves to the favored parent and tell them they do not want to be put in the middle of an ongoing battle. The adults who manipulate their children in this way are often Narcissistic themselves, unable to adequately handle their own feelings of anger or jealously and have little to no respect for the emotional boundary between them and their children.
But divorce poison doesn't have to be overt either. Sometimes just having the children overhear rage filled conversations the favored parent has with friends expressing their most infantile feelings about the target parent is enough to subtly pressure the children into hating the target. A constant look of disgust in the favored parents face whenever the children mention the target parent can have the same effect as well. Blocking all conversation about about the target parent and selectively mentioning the bad traits about the target parent can slowly program the children into hating the target as well. Children are incredibly vulnerable during the time just after a divorce and unfortunately this is also the time when adults are also at their worse.
But an ex spouse can initiate divorce poison at any time and for any reason; a missed child support payment, sudden unemployment, a remarriage. These are all situations that can bring about unresolved feelings in either parent that might cause them to overtly or subtly implant hate into the psyche of their children.
So what to do?
In the introduction of the book, Warshak relates a letter from a fellow psychotherapist he calls Moria. She suffered from divorce poison throughout her childhood and she describes what happened and ultimately what she felt could have brought about a different outcome. I found this letter to be one of the most powerful parts of the book and I think it really explains how this process appears from the child's perspective.
[quote author=Warshak]
[quote author=Moria]I was about eleven at the time. My first memory of my mother expressing outrage that I still loved my father was when my father took me out to lunch to tell me about the divorce and tell me what my life would be like after the divorce. I recall asking if it would be like a friend's situation and he said yes. This friend enjoyed a good relationship with both parents and I recall feeling satisfied with this, and not feeling frightened at all about the changes that would occur in our lives. When I came into the house my mother immediately asked me how I felt and I said fine and she burst into tears and raged at me for the first time in my life. She repeatedly stated that if it was her father who left her mother, she would be so angry that she'd never speak to her father again. I clearly recall thinking, "uh oh, I'm not supposed to be okay with this." I still remember my father being so surprised and confused the next time we talked and I expressed anger toward him and "outrage" that he was leaving us.[/quote]
The rapid onset of alienation is shocking to parents, but as I describe in this book, quite typical. Alienating parents are proud of their closeness to their children. They fail to appreciate that the children hide a crucial aspect of themselves from the favored parent. The children learn to conceal any positive feelings they have about the other parent. The letter goes on:
[quote author=Moria]
That experience marked the beginning of my mother's systematic "brainwashing" of us. Each time I was with my father our relationship would return to normal as would my feelings for him. But upon coming home I was literally bombarded by my mother who fired questions at me asking me how I felt, what we did, etc. I recall her telling me that he was undependable, that he didn't really care, and that if I still loved him it was only because he was brainwashing me!
[/quote]
Another point I make in the book is that often, the parent who first accuses the other of divorce poison is the one most guilty of it.
[quote author=Moria]
This is what life was like throughout adolescence. Whether it was my mother constantly putting my father in no-win situations as proof of his horrible nature, or my mother telling my father (without our knowledge) that we didn't want to talk to him because we were disgusted by him (and then getting off the phone to tell one of us that he didn't want to talk to us because he was upset with us!), or her encouraging us to write our feelings in a letter to him that she said we would never mail, and then mailing it to him without our knowledge. My mother was also very indiscriminate in whom she badmouthed my father to - particularly anyone who expressed concern for him. Most people backed away from him because they just didn't like the mess, which left us with the sense that she was immensely powerful, no one really saw the truth, so what was the point of fighting it. My father never badmouthed my mother. If we ever did complain about her to him, I recall that the most he would say was, "she hurts the ones she loves the most."
[/quote]
A central theme of my book is the responsibility to be proactive in helping children understand and cope with divorce poison. This book emphasizes the importance of helping children clarify reality, something this woman's father failed to do.
[quote author=Moria]
Now here is something that I don't think people can understand unless they have been an alienated child. After years of counseling that did absolutely nothing, and various people asking me if I was "okay" (I always said yes), my father (who had historically been passive and just backed away in response to my mother's caustic behavior) finally approached me at about age seventeen and said that he was hurt by my constant rejection of him and that he felt as though I was being coached to hate him, and was being told things that were not true. He then asked me how I thought he felt in all of this. What is so odd is the effect this had on me - it was almost as if it allowed me to come out of a trance. For years I had just robotically repeated what my mother said, even though I did struggle with it internally, and my father's direct but respectful confrontation of our relationship broke the trance instantly. My point is that there was nothing to indicate that my passionately expressed hatred and rejection of him wasn't authentic, but it wasn't and it was wiped away far more easily and quickly than I think anyone could possibly have imagined (even myself). I recall immediately feeling relief and a flooding of all my real emotions for him. The experience is quite odd in retrospect, because I do believe at that point that I believed what my mother told me, but if I did then how was it that this gentle confrontation on my father's part so easily broke through?
[/quote]
The feeling Moria describes of being in a trance is a clue that divorce poison resembles other forms of mind control. It is vital that rejected parents, judges, and therapists understand how even the most vociferously angry children may cast off their alienation when given the right opportunity.
[quote author=Moria]
I agree with my father's decision not to badmouth my mother, but where I think he made a mistake was in not confronting her mischaracterizations and lies earlier and not advocating for us more. I agree with you when you say that a passive approach is not always best. My mother had our ear constantly, and we had to "go with the program" in order to survive in that house, but we also didn't have an alternate opinion - we didn't have any other input to support our true feelings, thus it often felt like we weren't strong enough to believe in our truth without some outside force to support it. When my mother would lie to us, my father was so afraid of burdening us with his perspective that he often said nothing. My aunt later told me just how grieved my father was and how my aunt would tell him that some day we'd "get it" and we'd come back to him. I just feel as though there were wasted years because I could have been convinced of reality much, much sooner had he been a bit more proactive.
[/quote]
Moria and her dad are among the lucky ones. Too many children never recapture a positive relationship with the parent they reject. Even those who overcome their estrangement have to live with the painful knowledge of all that was missed in what some call "the lost years."
[quote author=Moria]
A few more things that you might find interesting - my father was actually very easy-going, sometimes to the point of being passive, never raising his voice and was very reliable. Yet that didn't stop my mother from describing him as angry, violent, mean and unreliable, particularly when he attempted to stand up to her. I began to believe her characterizations of him even though there was absolutely no evidence to support her allegations, yet in the absence of evidence my mother would create it, which made it very confusing for us children. For instance, after my father moved he would often send us airline tickets for a visit. Often they would never arrive and my mother would use this as "evidence" that he never followed through with his promises. I believe I was about eighteen when I found that cache of tickets hidden in a drawer in her room.
[/quote]
It is this type of manipulation that leads me to conclude that it is a mistake for custody evaluators and courts to routinely assume that both parents contribute equally to a child's estrangement. I have heard from others who learned later in life that their favored parent concealed from them the financial contributions of their rejected parent. The result is that children grow up feeling unloved by the absent parent, and this makes them even more likely to try to please one parent by disparaging the other.
Moria goes on to illustrate something that the therapists in my audiences do not enjoy hearing. Too many professionals have a poor grasp of these problems. They not only fail to help. They make things worse.
[quote author=Moria]
One more thing. The counselors in our lives did far more damage than good. My mother was wonderful at manipulating them, and we simply didn't have a voice or the words to describe what was going on. It was far too scary for us to speak the truth (particularly when she was there in the room!) and all she had to do was go in, play the victim of an angry and abandoning man and each counselor bought it without question. I can't tell you how many times my father was dragged in for counseling sessions while I was given a scripted list of grievances to share with him. I also recall my father telling me later how confused he was because he didn't know I felt that way - the truth is that I didn't but did not have the words or insight to tell him what was really going on - part of me knew it was all a lie and another part of me worked furiously to believe the lies because it seemed easier and more convenient. I vividly recall a counselor hugging my crying mother by the elevator one evening after a session and telling her what a good mother she was. My mother used this as a weapon against us for years stating that a licensed counselor told us she was a good mother, therefore she must be!
My siblings and I are all very close and have talked intermittently about what we went through, although none of us knew until recently that this is something so widespread and systematic. I for one become so angry when I hear counselors or court advocates claim that parental alienation isn't possible - that children can't be brainwashed. I endured implanted memories and constant attacks if I exercised my right to have a different opinion or relationship with my father. Sometimes I agreed with her just to get her to stop, and ultimately I was not strong enough to manage to dissonance of acting one way and feeling another. So I changed my feelings to match my behavior to rid myself of the dissonance, but the truth never really left me and merely laid dormant until someone (my father) said something which resonated with my truth and validated my true beliefs.
[/quote]
Moria shares this hard-on lesson with rejected parents. Remember that she is both a victim of alienation and a mental health professional.
[quote author=Moria]
I suggest to alienated parents not to give up, to see their children as co-victims, not as abusers allied with the alienating parent, to not assume that what the alienated child is saying is what they are feeling (even if the child doesn't know this), to not confuse badmouthing with self-advocacy, and to know that the alienation may not be nearly as deep as it may appear. I think one of the biggest challenges alienated parents must face is that to navigate the crisis effectively requires almost constant counter-intuitive responses.
[/quote]
[/quote]
A large portion of the book is dedicated to the coaching of parents on how to deal with alienated children. This is a most difficult task and often depends on factors that may be out of a parent's control such as court orders and visitation rights.
One point that Warshak tries to stress is that constant contact is essential in countering divorce poison. In other words, if you see your kids every other weekend and maybe for longer periods during the holidays and summer this is probably not good enough to overcome alienation. The more the children are around you, enjoy good times with you and see you act in an adult manner, the less likely they will be manipulated into believing lies about you or feeling backed into an emotional corner when they are with the favored parent. If you can get a court order to allow equal or close to equal visitation periods, this is optimal. In the most sever cases of alienation drastic measures may be needed and Warshak describes many examples of what this might entail in the book.
Another big point he touches on is how to deal with children when they express this projected anger onto you. It is important to remember that children most often do not believe they are being manipulated. They believe their feelings of anger for you are genuine, so it is important not to lecture them or brush aside their feelings as unimportant. This will backfire. The important thing to do is to validate their feelings, express empathy for the anger that they feel. They need to know that you understand what they are going through, even though you might know better than the feelings are the result of brainwashing or manipulation.
Then the difficult part is finding ways of helping children understand the process of divorce poison. Children need to understand that people can be brainwashed and made to think and feel things that aren't true. Pointing out how modern advertising works might be a good way to convey this point. Another way might be to show them movies where brainwashing is a central theme and then have a discussion about it after the movie.
After this you can move on to describing emotional boundaries to them. You can ask them about their favorite foods. Ask a child what her favorite food is and then show her how maybe you or another sibling hate that food and that it is okay to still like that food even though others might hate it. Try to help them come up with their own examples of this and let them know that it is OK to have their own feelings about things. Then work your way up to people and how it is okay to like or dislike certain people. It's also may be important to do this over a prolonged period of time and reiterate past lessons often so that it sticks in their minds.
A parent must show their children what it means to assert their feelings and advocate for themselves. A lot of adults have a problem with this already, so it might be best to work on this oneself before attempting to teach it to children. This is where I think the Big 5 psychology books mentioned on these forums can really help. Along these lines, Warshak also mentions is that if your children do show signs of alienation, don't first assume that the problem is your ex brainwashing them. Take a good look at yourself or ask a friend or group you trust to be objective to see if there is any way they can first improve their relationship with the children. Sometimes this isn't always easy for parents, but in these situations it becomes necessary.
Aside from educating the children and showing them how to be assertive with their feelings, probably the most effective technique to turn the tide in their heart is to find an enjoyable activity to share with them. Don't force them to do something with you, but show them something fun or interesting and then build on that, diverting them from the pain and confusion they feel. Surround yourself with other family members and show them that you are a lovable and worthy person of love. Once they are having a good time, these are also the best times to bring up the issues of divorce poison. They will be more likely to listen to you if they're having a good time.
Warshak goes into a lot of other techniques in the book, which I won't expound here. These are the main ones I think and the ones that most everybody can do who is confronted by this type of situation. The book is written in such a way where a lot of material is repeated. So even if you pick it up and start reading a middle chapter, you can probably pick up on most of the general points he made earlier in the book.
One method of countering divorce poison that he mentions (although doesn't emphasize by any means) that I don't agree with is the use of religious programming to counter the negative programming by a vindictive ex. The most common example being the command "love thy mother and thy father". While this might work with some kids who have been religiously brainwashed at an early age, I don't think it is healthy in the long run and doesn't help them to think for themselves. Other than that, most of his techniques made sense to me and are practical and accessible to most people. The basic idea is to educate your children about the objective reality and give them the emotional strength and assertiveness to overcome any brainwashing or manipulation.
The last chapter of the book deals with how to get professional help, both in the legal and therapeutic sense. While he makes a good effort to outline some of the general situations in courts, I don't think this will be very useful for most people. Courts vary by a large degree from region to region. I think one's best bet in these cases is to find a competent lawyer who can give them a better assessment of what is possible in their divorce case. Not all of the legal options he describes are going to be available to everyone, everywhere.
Otherwise, I thought this was a really insightful book given my own divorce situation. I know there are a few others on here who are either going through divorce or may have already been through a divorce, so I hope this review can help.
) Anyhoo... the anger I felt towards my ex at that particular time were sometimes transformed into seething remarks about him. Now I understand that it's all poison to my kids.
