Dream of Ex

[Paragon]

Hi all,

Had a dream just there whereby I dreamt of my ex or rather, I dreamt of longing to be with her again.

It was in my room at my old flat where I shared with 2 others and this was the last place where we were together as a couple. Very strong feelings of longing and abandonment came up. The idea that she was gone forever was present and this induced very strong overwhelming feelings of loneliness, and a sense of the death of my own self. It is hard to put the flavour of the dream into words, however it is extremely unpleasant and almost like a nightmare that's true since we haven't been together for 2 years later this month. In the dream it's like I was taken back to a point where we were still together and all the feelings were present, but that she was gone and I had no one else there in that world but myself to share the pain.

As I write this I note that I am becoming teary eyed and a suffocating feeling in the chest arises.

Might be relevant to note that she recently contacted me out of the blue via FB after not talking for months on end and mentioned in her initial message, something that she used to affectionately call me when we were together. She said she was just missing home ( she moved to Canada to study uni, but is back this month to the uk) and it was the month of her 21st and a lot of her friends birthdays back here in the uk. We talked about what we were up to and what's new etc, casual stuff. As I still have strong feelings for her, this brought back memories of us together and I started to get depressed. I'm not sure if I have dealt with my feelings about her properly, as I still long for her. My friend says it's just because I have not been with another girl since we broke up. I don't know why she contacted me, but a part of me was very happy that she did. I really miss her genuine, loving spirit more than anything. It was so beautiful. And it is constantly with me how I treated her because of my narcissism, and I am glad for that knowledge however painful that may be since I now strive to treat other people better because of this.

So i guess a bit of a vent, kinda needed this.

Thank you for reading.

 

[loreta]

Thanks to share this dream of you, and your insight in it.

 

[Menna]

I had a dream about my X as well a few days ago...I haven’t seen or talked to her since the day she broke up with me on Christmas (I cut off contact with her after the breakup)...In the dream we were sitting across from each other on the floor and she said "I know why you did what you did (cut off contact) you had to get to this point to get over me." I am guessing it refers to the point were I objectively realize what happened and I am at peace and passed everything) then we start to hug she starts kissing my neck and I said "I can't do this I love someone else." I then pulled away and woke up. I don't love anyone else right now I guess I said that to get away. This was my first girlfriend and first sexual experience if I can move past it in 4-5 months then you can move past your relationship too.

Now you haven’t been with her in two years...That’s a long time...You should use some of the techniques on this site to help you process the relationship. You say that you were narcissistic and feel guilty about it. Well that might be true but let me tell you. I doubt she did everything right and did some wrong as well. For example you say, "she mentioned in her initial message, something that she used to affectionately call me." Well personally I wouldn't like that and think its wrong if she knows you are still hurting - processing the break up.

If you truly want to move on use the techniques on this site and REMOVE her from your FB. How can you move on when you check her profile weekly if not daily how can you move on when her statuses and picture pop up in your news feed. Some people can but it makes it a lot harder.

I somewhat agree with your friend...Yes if you were in another relationship that COULD help but what I think would help more is if you realize that while you might not have been perfect she most likely wasn’t perfect either...Now you will be a better person in your next relationship get excited about meeting someone else and being able to treat them better

 

[Paragon]

Yeah, I should process the relationship fully. I don't know how though. Redirect and EE? I don't have those chemical feelings for her anymore, only when I bring up 'unresolved' memories and thoughts from the times we were together. It's really a longing for her genuinity and companionship that I feel. Her unique personality was so adorable and cute. I've not met another girl since that I felt comfortable with and as compatable. I felt I could be myself with her.

It's really frustrating however as I thought I had dealt with most of it, but obviously not as these stronger feelings crop up from time to time.

Not saying I'm actively looking for a relationship right now as I still have to understand what's at the heart of my feelings for my ex and to resolve them. It would be cruel and STS to be involved with someone else right now, as I can't give all my heart since it is still taken, at least partly by my ex. Is this unhealthy that for so long, I still can't 'get over' my ex?

Ive blocked her status updates and I don't check up on her profile, if rarely. However I sometimes look at her position at the top of my friends chat list, which according to FB, is meant to be random. And also the friends image 'block' thing, where she appears often.

It's basically a deep fantasy of mine whereby we somehow 'bump' into each other again in life and begin to go out again. Where I explain everything and all my hurtful actions and that I've been doing the work on myself etc, hoping she sees how I've changed and is willing to give it another shot. We begin from the beginning and I show my true self to her and we accept our faults and all, striving to compliment each other. I just want to know how she feels about me since she contacted me out of the blue. Does she miss me? Does my fantasy have any probability of being true?

Sorry for ranting, and thanks for the advice menna, guess I'm still trying to discover my real self and who I actually am. Even after I thought I had. Guess I'm having difficulty seperating the essence from the personality.

 

[bngenoh]

I had a dream like yours Menna,

It was this woman who I have known for a long time, there have been sexual relations between she and I, but not for a long time. In the dream, she started making sexual advances towards me, but then I said is this supposed to be temptation? It's so obvious it's silly. ;) Not my cup of tea anymore baby. :D

 

[Menna]

I dont think it's unhealthy just a lack of information on how to properly process...Yes EE and redirect will help...think about the whole relationship and break it down looking at each dynamic from both sides when you two met...entered into a relationship...problems during and the eventual break up...Don't defend yourself or her try and keep emotion out of it when you are trying to objectively look at the relationship...This is what I did and realized I gave in too much and was a push over just to keep the relationship going felt that it would be a personal failure if it failed when in reality it was a one sided relationship filled with 80% giving and 80% taking.

The way i look at it - Two options

# 1

Block her from FB...The more you see her name or picture the more she is in your head the more you will fantisise about her. Stop comparing other girls to her because guess what after two years she isn't the same person anymore so you are comparing others to the 2010 version of her...Fill your time daydreaming about her with an interest and move on

Or

# 2

Write her back ask her why she messages you ask her if she still has feelings for you and say you realize the mistakes you made and ask her if she would meet up...The answer could give you the answer

 

[Menna]

Why do you think we had these dreams?

 

[bngenoh]

Why do you think we had these dreams?

I can't really generalize for everyone because each one is an individual, but messages I guess, showing us how we have grown, and that there is still much to learn and process.

 

[loreta]

Why do you think we had these dreams?

I can't really generalize for everyone because each one is an individual, but messages I guess, showing us how we have grown, and that there is still much to learn and process.

I agree with bngenoh, some dreams we have are there to make us grow and give us insights about certain things. I had myself one day a dream about one of my ex, a man I lived with him 3 years but when I left him it was very incorrectly from my part, I mean I left him acting very bad ( my English is so rare when I try to express my self, sorry...). Many years, maybe 20, I felt always very guilty about my attitude with him. In my dream I was again with him and in my dream I loved him again. When I wake up I was very sad but the dream was so strong that I thought that maybe he was dead? I tried to find where he was, phoned people and wrote to people to see if he was OK. I checked in Internet if I can saw news about him, he was a very good expert in Programming and I knew he was living in Chile. But it took me more that 20 years to contact directly with him and finally I found him in FB and then I wrote to him and excused myself for my act with him at that time and asked him if he can forgave me. We even spoke by Skype and sometimes we talk but not often because we regret many things. The dream I had was an insight of something that I did incorrectly. The dream did not change my bad action with him, but gave me an insight about me, again, even if I knew- The dream gave me an image of a friend that surely suffered because of me, and maybe this friend, in my dream, was a mirror of my sadness about the mess I did in his life. Sometimes I regret my decision about leaving him but it is too late and it is nonsense to regret constantly, life is in front not backwards. Asking for forgiveness did not erase my bad action but it wa a recognition by myself of something that I did. And all this thanks to a dream. So dreams are messages, sometimes, that give not only insights but energy to act. (Sorry if I was long).

 

[Paragon]

I dont think it's unhealthy just a lack of information on how to properly process...Yes EE and redirect will help...think about the whole relationship and break it down looking at each dynamic from both sides when you two met...entered into a relationship...problems during and the eventual break up...Don't defend yourself or her try and keep emotion out of it when you are trying to objectively look at the relationship...This is what I did and realized I gave in too much and was a push over just to keep the relationship going felt that it would be a personal failure if it failed when in reality it was a one sided relationship filled with 80% giving and 80% taking.

The way i look at it - Two options

# 1

Block her from FB...The more you see her name or picture the more she is in your head the more you will fantisise about her. Stop comparing other girls to her because guess what after two years she isn't the same person anymore so you are comparing others to the 2010 version of her...Fill your time daydreaming about her with an interest and move on

Or

# 2

Write her back ask her why she messages you ask her if she still has feelings for you and say you realize the mistakes you made and ask her if she would meet up...The answer could give you the answer

Hay menna,

Generally our relationship was her giving loads and me being scared to show my feelings for her, which I think a lot of the unresolved stuff comes from, for me. I did give , but it wasn't to same level of affection or action that my deeper self ( essence?) wanted to and felt. I have come to know myself so much better through the work, so I know that my 'truer' self really did love her for who she was. My false personality just couldn't bridge the gap to show her the love and affection that she wanted. And cheated on her. My personality was much more immature back then.

With option one, i don't really want to do that. I know, it's silly. She wants to remain FB friends and I do too. I want to know that she is safe from time to time. And it makes me happy to see her enjoying herself in whatever she is doing, as that is what I truly want for her, regardless of my own feelings for her.

Option two is something I don't want to do as I've talked to her before with poor results. It ends up with me dumping all those repressed feelings onto her, and her rejecting that, and me feeling unvalidated for having those feelings. She rejected to meet up before she went away for the year to Canada, though I'm not sure if a year later she would be more willing. I don't know. It's like I never got to express how I truly felt towards her and I pay the price for having treated her badly and I'm stuck with these feelings. Perhaps I am painting the wrong picture of the whole situation.

 

[truth seeker]

Hey Paragon,

Speaking from the perspective of having been in her shoes, I'd say that what you describe is just another way of holding on to the person and really just serves to keep both of you living an illusion and from moving on as well. Unfortunately in these situations, the kindest thing one can do if they have no intention of being with the person is to leave them alone so they can heal.

The situation I was in lasted for at least another 6 years (in addition to the 8.5 that we were together). While I can't and won't speak for all women, I will say that many of us are raised to 'make it okay' for others. This includes telling people what they want to hear. Also, women will often take less than what they deserve in a relationship and put aside their own needs while secretly hoping that more will result. I lived that lie for many years.

That said, in the case of your ex, it sounds as if she's attempting to keep her distance yet gives the impression that she's confused. In other words, mixed messages. So both of you are holding onto a possibility without really letting go. People don't really grow that way as they find themselves stuck in the same or similar feeding dynamics that caused the situation to begin with.

I've lived the whole 'push me, pull you' thing and what I finally had to do was cut off all contact. It had to be me because even after 15 years or so, it still continued - the sporadic contact by him that was under the guise of being a 'concerned friend'. I also had to be the one to do it because I was the one who knew better, he didn't.

This is not to imply that it's not easy but unfortunately is necessary if we truly care for the person the way we say we do. As with everything, actions, not words, count.

Do the Redirect exercises and ee. I think you'll find them helpful.

 

[Paragon]

Hi Truth Seeker,

Last time we spoke to each other about us, she said there's not point in bringing up the past cos' what's done is done and she's moved on and Ill find a way to move on myself. This was a year ago before she moved to Canada.

And I think I made a wee mistake by suggesting that when she messaged me on FB recently, that she called me by an affectionate name we used to share. What I meant to say is that she brought that name up by referencing it to an actual location, whereby she found out and had to tell me about it. Kinda silly but it was very cute. So yeah I don't know what tha was about. A friendly hello, what you up to?

Perhaps I'm not actually listening to what you are saying truth seeker. It seems like I cannot fathom that she Hasn't moved on when in my experience, it seems like she has. There is a disconnect here that is very disconcerting. In any case, it is bad for both of us to remain friends on FB? What do I tell her if I unfriend her? I really find the idea of unfriending her, Very difficult. It is a source of great resistance within me. I want to know how she really feels before I just break off all contact forever.

I know actions count more than words, but I have a real difficult time understanding why I should break off all contact. I think she might be hurt by that.

 

[truth seeker]

And I think I made a wee mistake by suggesting that when she messaged me on FB recently, that she called me by an affectionate name we used to share. What I meant to say is that she brought that name up by referencing it to an actual location, whereby she found out and had to tell me about it. Kinda silly but it was very cute. So yeah I don't know what tha was about. A friendly hello, what you up to?

That's what she may genuinely think as most of us truly believe that our actions are harmless. The road to hell and all that.

From my experience, this is part pf the stuff that comes up with these types of situations - the little in jokes that only the two of you know about. Like some kind of secret club. These types of things make us feel special, that we share a bond with them that no one else has. Basically they're little hooks.

Perhaps I'm not actually listening to what you are saying truth seeker. It seems like I cannot fathom that she Hasn't moved on when in my experience, it seems like she has. There is a disconnect here that is very disconcerting. In any case, it is bad for both of us to remain friends on FB? What do I tell her if I unfriend her? I really find the idea of unfriending her, Very difficult. It is a source of great resistance within me. I want to know how she really feels before I just break off all contact forever.

Apologies if I was unclear. What seems to be happening is that she's giving mixed messages. If I understood you correctly, she didn't want to meet up but at the same time wants to maintain contact. This may be the source of your confusion.

I can't tell you what to do regarding fb. I also wouldn't classify it as 'bad'. What I will say is that things like email, texts, social networking can still be a source of feeding - it's still a connection whether physical or otherwise that leaves one open to general law. You may want to write (in a journal) about why you feel resistant to completely breaking this connection.

You may also want to take note that you seem to be basing what you do on what she says/does. By doing that, you're avoiding taking responsibility for your actions. I understand that on some level, you may be feeling that you're leaving her again but in reality, it doesn't seem as if you ever really let go - the only thing that changed is the form it took.

Leaving a relationship doesn't mean that you're abandoning them (in this specific instance), what you're really doing is acting in favor of your destiny and unbeknownst to you at this point, her own as well.

I know actions count more than words, but I have a real difficult time understanding why I should break off all contact. I think she might be hurt by that.

Sounds like a 'be nice' program at work. It also sounds as if you're using this program to either avoid the very uncomfortable feeling you may have towards ending it. What is it that you're truly afraid to give up?

edit: added a sentence for clarity

 

[lake_george]

Sometimes former 'romantic' relationships gone awry >can< turn into just friendship.

What if you were just honest with her about how you are feeling now (confused?), how you perceive how you were with her in the past, how you think you have changed - a lot of what you wrote here! Can you write while feeling compassion for yourself and for her, and for all of us who have been muddling through life as sleeping machines?

What could this hurt to just be open with her for the sake of becoming human beings, with a 'history' together, actually possibly learning from and healing from the past? Are you willing to hear her side of it? Are you willing to take the chance of never hearing from her again? - if that happens, it was not from you pushing her away but from her clear choice.

You could use this situation as an opportunity to Work - observe your reactions, learn about yourself, have compassion on both her and yourself - since it sounds like you regret some things you did, try to express the situation to her using the ideas of the Work.

 

[bngenoh]

Sometimes former 'romantic' relationships gone awry >can< turn into just friendship.

What if you were just honest with her about how you are feeling now (confused?), how you perceive how you were with her in the past, how you think you have changed - a lot of what you wrote here! Can you write while feeling compassion for yourself and for her, and for all of us who have been muddling through life as sleeping machines?

What could this hurt to just be open with her for the sake of becoming human beings, with a 'history' together, actually possibly learning from and healing from the past? Are you willing to hear her side of it? Are you willing to take the chance of never hearing from her again? - if that happens, it was not from you pushing her away but from her clear choice.

You could use this situation as an opportunity to Work - observe your reactions, learn about yourself, have compassion on both her and yourself - since it sounds like you regret some things you did, try to express the situation to her using the ideas of the Work.

Along with truth seeker's views, your perspective is valuable as well lake_george, but I would say that if Paragon chooses to air it our with his ex, that he should use as general concepts of the work as he can ie don't get bogged down.