Esoteric take on battling "Murphy"

[gaman]

For those of you who aren't familiar with the name Murphy as in "Murphy's Law", Murphy in this post refers to a (maybe fictitious) person named Murphy who said What can go wrong, Will go wrong. I don't know if this is American origin or not. For those not familiar, this is not to my knowledge meant to be anything esoteric, but more of a social saying when lots of things go wrong.

I continue to experience episodes in my life where this "law" seems to be in extremely concentrated effect, particularly when I'm applying skills that I use at work every day (although I'm currently laid off) in a personal context at home. More specifically, I do some computer software and hardware stuff. At home, I have a fairly complicated setup where I experiment and learn, etc.

When I'm at work doing these things with computers, things seem to go fine. But when I'm at home working on my computer equipment and trying to accomplish something (whether it is advanced or simple in concept) I will hit periods of extreme difficulty.

The general character of difficulty I have run into is that many different types of failures occur consecutively during a task, where any one or two of them are unlikely but not shocking, but where the odds subjectively seem almost astronomical for all of them to happen.

For you computer types, I've got an example task sequence below for more context:

- Need to test new method of mirroring external drives in real time between two servers.
- Have to upgrade the OS on server (this is sometimes expected, no problem).
- Restart server after upgrade, server won't boot - drive failure (happens rarely but sometimes that drives fail after a restart)
- Purchase new drive and install in server
- Attach external drives to each server (identical servers)
- One external drive isn't recognized on one server. Turns out to be bad USB cable (another problem that took time to find, happens rarely but sometimes).
- Add extra network card to each server for dedicated link.
- Servers won't talk to each other over the new link. Turns out network cable is bad (quickly found, but not a common occurrence, another problem)
- Put hub on dedicate link for monitoring
- Configure software mirroring, etc. Start and run some tests
- Many test successful but then things mysteriously stop working
- Turns out hub has gone bad on dedicated link! (put new hub on)
- Execute failure tests, one server won't auto-restart after power failure. Turns out its BIOS setting is wrong, although it has been working fine for these types of test previously!
- Fix BIOS settings and now works
- Tests completed, having taken 10-15 hours longer than expected.

Now, any of these things going wrong wouldn't phase me as they are something that can happen. But this short example (and I have had episodes of many more failures than this in a single sitting) shows how all these unlikely things happening almost at once!

If there had been only one episode, it would be something to tell around the campfire. But these "protracted sequential failure" problems happens to me a lot and have for the past 5-10 years, and mainly only at home that I can recall. I used to get sooo frustrated but changed to where I would get to a point that I would just laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

So, this happened again last night and today and it triggered me to write this because of the questions that come up in my mind:

Is something/someone trying to tell me something?
Am I being signaled that this is something I shouldn't be doing (or variation thereof)?
Or, is this a lesson that I should just continue to work to "overcome" the situation and eventually succeed? (note that I don't usually give up, it becomes a challenge)
Do other people go through these types of things alot and just don't mention it?
Is this even "personal" event in any way?
Now before the point of extreme frustration, I relax and take it as lightly ridiculous earlier in the sequence, but what to do (continue, give up, go back to it later)?

I want to learn from this but I don't even know how to pursue these questions, or even if I'm asking the right questions. I am interested in your take this topic and how you've dealt with it and what the outcome was, as well as your take on any of the questions posed above.

 

[Beau]

I guess the first question I have is, if you don't have to do this stuff at home, and it starts to cause problems within you, then don't do it. It sounds like this is your day job. Now unless you are working from home as well, I don't see why you cannot adopt some other hobby instead of taking your work home with you. Heck, I know if I worked in IT I certainly wouldn't be replicating the experience during my off time.

 

[gaman]

Hey Heimdallr, thanks for the reply. I'll answer / respond in context below.

I guess the first question I have is, if you don't have to do this stuff at home, and it starts to cause problems within you, then don't do it.

The motivation was multi-faceted, particularly more so in the past than now. One of my primary reasons for doing this stuff is learning/continuing education, and research. However, that now probably occupies 10% or less of my free time as I am focused much more on being a good householder and learning as much as I can through this community and resources. So, the complex stuff I posted is a partial example from the past.

I don't recall ever thinking about it unless it comes about again, then I wonder. The thing that just has happened over the last couple of days that prompted this again is simply consolidating and backing up our digital pictures because my wife fears that we have lost some and also wants to find some to print. I would like to have them backed up, too.

I have had this type of thing occur with other tasks and projects around the house as well, but not nearly to the degree as with things related to my chosen profession.

Regarding the statement about causing problems within me, I'm not clear on what you mean unless you think the questions indicate a problem. In the past (say older than about 2 years ago maybe) it used to trigger "the universe is out to get me" type of emotional behavior/reactions. As far as I can tell, I've mostly let go of that. The spirit of asking here is that I'm trying to say this hints at being some kind of phenomena, mainly focused on applying career skills at home, so am I reading too much into this or not enough or maybe missing something that is hitting me over the head. I also wonder if this is just a general type of thing that happens to many people (not necessarily related to computers, but other tasks they are trying to accomplish) and is there any meaning?

It sounds like this is your day job. Now unless you are working from home as well, I don't see why you cannot adopt some other hobby instead of taking your work home with you. Heck, I know if I worked in IT I certainly wouldn't be replicating the experience during my off time.

I am laid off, but it is my career so far. When working, I do work from home as well. I do unprompted work less often now although I used to ( 1+ years ago) spend a lot of time on it for research to promote my career as well as a full geek hobby. Now about 20-30% of the time spent on our computers has a hobby feel, with the rest being something that needs to be accomplished from time to time like fixing something with one of our computers. I have other hobbies that I enjoy as much.

I am very glad you used the word "hobby". It jarred my thinking towards a different direction and helps me think a little out of the box with respect to what I do on computers, what the reasons for doing them are, etc. I can become absorbed in them, and I used to be fully absorbed in them. So there is an blind aspect to my behavior in general with regards to computer stuff that I haven't noticed until you helped me with your questions. I will think more on this aspect. Thank you!

 

[Beau]

The motivation was multi-faceted, particularly more so in the past than now. One of my primary reasons for doing this stuff is learning/continuing education, and research. However, that now probably occupies 10% or less of my free time as I am focused much more on being a good householder and learning as much as I can through this community and resources. So, the complex stuff I posted is a partial example from the past.

If that's only a partial example, then I would say you definitely were taking your work home with you. Obsessed much? If you spent 10-15 hours doing just what you describe above, I wonder where the rest of your time went.

I don't recall ever thinking about it unless it comes about again, then I wonder. The thing that just has happened over the last couple of days that prompted this again is simply consolidating and backing up our digital pictures because my wife fears that we have lost some and also wants to find some to print. I would like to have them backed up, too.

So if I understand this correctly, all of the above list that you made was done solely to back up data? Shouldn't it be a lot simpler than that?

Regarding the statement about causing problems within me, I'm not clear on what you mean unless you think the questions indicate a problem.

It just sounded frustrating. I imagine it was at least annoying. You used the words extreme frustration. Are you saying this didn't bother you at all?

In the past (say older than about 2 years ago maybe) it used to trigger "the universe is out to get me" type of emotional behavior/reactions. As far as I can tell, I've mostly let go of that.

Their are some perfectly legitimate emotional reactions and behavior. It is not good to suppress emotions, which it seems like you are doing. I mean, do you FEEL anything about this situation, or is it all an intellectual exercise to be solved?

The spirit of asking here is that I'm trying to say this hints at being some kind of phenomena, mainly focused on applying career skills at home, so am I reading too much into this or not enough or maybe missing something that is hitting me over the head. I also wonder if this is just a general type of thing that happens to many people (not necessarily related to computers, but other tasks they are trying to accomplish) and is there any meaning?

Probably, we live in a symbolic universe. But I don't think you can assume if it happens, it's because of the general law. The responses we get from our environment are so specific that no one else could assign meaning without knowing more about you. They are not so easily, or broadly, explainable IMO.

I am laid off, but it is my career so far. When working, I do work from home as well. I do unprompted work less often now although I used to ( 1+ years ago) spend a lot of time on it for research to promote my career as well as a full geek hobby. Now about 20-30% of the time spent on our computers has a hobby feel, with the rest being something that needs to be accomplished from time to time like fixing something with one of our computers. I have other hobbies that I enjoy as much.

Sounds pretty computer intense.

I am very glad you used the word "hobby". It jarred my thinking towards a different direction and helps me think a little out of the box with respect to what I do on computers, what the reasons for doing them are, etc. I can become absorbed in them, and I used to be fully absorbed in them. So there is an blind aspect to my behavior in general with regards to computer stuff that I haven't noticed until you helped me with your questions. I will think more on this aspect. Thank you!

It sounds like you are absorbed in them. In fact, the more I read the more I am wondering about what your family thinks about all the time spent in computers. I kinda feel bad for them.

 

[RedFox]

Hi Gaman

fwiw what you've described I can relate too, as I have been/can be very similar to yourself. Working in IT and then taking it home with me, in that is my 'hobby' to.
I have had many a project (either programming, hardware, electronic repair) that I have experienced extream frustration with. If I push it I break it. In that during that frustration, I get a sense of panic that I may be about to fail and I 'just want it done', if I 'try harder' (rush) due to this, 90% of the time I make more problems for myself or even break it (i.e. a repair project becomes unrepairable).

I have tracked back (for myself personally) where this comes from. I tend to (as you say) 'get lost' in these projects. What I've realised this is for me is a fixation for a purpose. When I was a kid and discovered computers, I would get lost in them for many hours (either games, or programming or electronic projects etc)....when I reached secondary school I remember thinking "I wish life was as predictable/understandable as programming, because I can understand and control the worlds I create".

So looking back this behaviour developed as a way to avoid reality/life, specifically emotional problems as well. I used it to blot out life.
So looking at this behaviour/drive now.....despite being good at computers/programming/electronics, what I'm having to do is untangle this avoidance (and ultimately time wasting, entropic) strategy from my IT projects (and possibly any projects for that matter).
Anything I set my mind to I can slip into this mode of using it as avoiding life/reality/emotions/myself.....perhaps the avoidance of emotions are the key.

So fwiw, this may be the same for you. Work goes well because you are actively engaged in the outcome and need to be (relatively) aware of reality around you to get the job done (although I can disassociate at work quite a lot too). But when you come to home life, something sets of something (perhaps just the thought of interacting with your family) that reminds you of past emotional pain, and your mind kicks in with its survival strategy (from when you where a kid) and you think about and start a project (that you can get lost in).

*edit* also I wanted to add something else. Failure of these things is also a bash trap. It is the negative introject leading you to a point where it can beat you up for being a failure! Dealing healthily with failure has helped me no end when it comes to this sort of thing. It takes the urgency/fixation out of it quite a bit.

 

[RedFox]

I just wanted to add something else (having read over the recent C's session again today)

http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=13298.0

Q: (L) And what determines receivership capability?

A: Partly genetic and partly effort. What Ark just said about narcissism and the attendant "junk".

Q: (L) So narcissists create illusions and project their illusions on other people and this is part of what makes them unable to receive. They're always projecting, so they can't receive anything.

A: Yes

Q: (L) So those individuals who have spent long periods of time here and who have been unable to make any significant change in their lives have been afflicted with an inability to receive because they have basically built a wall around themselves or live inside a narcissistic bubble?

A: Yes. And the same is true for those who cannot "get it" at a distance.

To me it seems that there may be the same mechanism at work here osit. The defence mechanism from childhood is this wall/bubble(s) around you that you project onto the world, and it effects how you interact with the universe, and how the universe interacts with you. So when things don't work (as described above), it is because somewhere you are trying to exert your view, your subjective (protective) bubble onto the universe. You are unable to receive any messages from it that may help you with what you are trying to achieve, because you are in a subjective STS mode. It has to be your way.

This probably then comes down to very early messages/beliefs about the world and whether it was experienced as a hostile place or not. If its hostile then it needs to be controlled because of the fear of annihilation. If it can be trusted and worked with that way, with no preconceived ideas (limited/projected tunnel vision) of the outcome, then marvelous things start to happen. For one what seemed vitally important can start to seem quite silly/pointless.
If this effects your 'sense of self' (you feel as pointless as these things now seem), you can use that to untangle your self worth from external things. :)

I hope all this is making sense so far. This is the way my understanding is unfolding at least.

 

[gaman]

I would like to clarify one aspect of my posts that I bungled. The long string of technical steps was an example from the past (maybe 4+ years ago) that was intended to back up the claim of rare failures occurring in a close chain. Back then I was extremely obsessed/engrossed with computers and my career. It is not the most recent episode that triggered me to post here. I apologize for not being more clear.

However, I don't propose that the above clarification changes the value of the feedback or the issues you are exposing/mirroring back to me that I didn't see. More on these issues below.

If that's only a partial example, then I would say you definitely were taking your work home with you. Obsessed much? If you spent 10-15 hours doing just what you describe above, I wonder where the rest of your time went.

Yes, I was obsessed and took my work home with me to an extreme degree. What little time I had left was spent with my then girlfriend, now wife of 3 years. Externally it changed about a year ago when I was laid off, went through bouts of strong depression, and discovered the material here. I am learning right now that internally it hasn't changed at all as far and potential tendencies, potential thought patterns, etc.

So if I understand this correctly, all of the above list that you made was done solely to back up data? Shouldn't it be a lot simpler than that?

No, I'm sorry. Here is where my point of clarification comes in. The long list was from the past when I was working on designs for active-active redundant systems. The current task of backing up and consolidating my data involves copying data from various places (laptops, usb drives, memory cards, et. al.) to my computer and then backing up the consolidated data to be stored in one place. It should be simple, however strings of events have started where it is not :O

Regarding the statement about causing problems within me, I'm not clear on what you mean unless you think the questions indicate a problem.

It just sounded frustrating. I imagine it was at least annoying. You used the words extreme frustration. Are you saying this didn't bother you at all?

Yes it is very frustrating and annoying. It used to bother me tremendously on many levels. Then during one episode it built up and there was nowhere to go but laugh, so that got to be a pattern for a while that things would build up and I would realize how wound up I was and how crazy the situation seemed and I would sort of laugh it off.

Presently, and during this last instance, I more tend to try to calm myself early on at the first problem or two so that I don't get so built up. However it triggered a recall of many past episodes and emotions so I posted here because maybe there is something I'm supposed to understand or something else that I'm not getting, or maybe it is what it is.

In the past (say older than about 2 years ago maybe) it used to trigger "the universe is out to get me" type of emotional behavior/reactions. As far as I can tell, I've mostly let go of that.

Their are some perfectly legitimate emotional reactions and behavior. It is not good to suppress emotions, which it seems like you are doing. I mean, do you FEEL anything about this situation, or is it all an intellectual exercise to be solved?

I began to feel frustrated and again wondering "why me?, this should be so simple and easy!". Then I backed away, tried to laugh it off so as not to become so upset and feel the pain, and tried to convert it to an intellectual issue in this post. It didn't occur to me that laughing it off was suppressing emotions. I thought that was a method of letting them go, releasing the tension.

I am very confused when it comes to how to learn from these episodes. One part of me wants to say this is lizzies generating this pain to feed. One part says this is teaching me emotional control so you don't get upset about things that ultimately aren't important. Another part says something is saying "Hey, pay attention, you should be understanding something but you just don't get it".

Sounds pretty computer intense.

Yes, still an inordinate focus on doing things with computers.

It sounds like you are absorbed in them. In fact, the more I read the more I am wondering about what your family thinks about all the time spent in computers. I kinda feel bad for them.

You are right. And it is another way I have put myself first and neglected others.

During these posts, I have noticed an internal want to express "I used to be like that, but now it is different because I don't spend so much time". I have made progress in some areas, but in actuality regarding this computer obsession nothing internal has changed, only the external due to circumstances. IOW, I don't spend nearly as much time engrossed as I did, but it isn't because of any change I made in myself after self-introspection so everything related to this is still there even though outwardly it appears to have improved.

 

[gaman]

I have tracked back (for myself personally) where this comes from. I tend to (as you say) 'get lost' in these projects. What I've realised this is for me is a fixation for a purpose. When I was a kid and discovered computers, I would get lost in them for many hours (either games, or programming or electronic projects etc)....when I reached secondary school I remember thinking "I wish life was as predictable/understandable as programming, because I can understand and control the worlds I create".

So looking back this behaviour developed as a way to avoid reality/life, specifically emotional problems as well. I used it to blot out life.
So looking at this behaviour/drive now.....despite being good at computers/programming/electronics, what I'm having to do is untangle this avoidance (and ultimately time wasting, entropic) strategy from my IT projects (and possibly any projects for that matter).
Anything I set my mind to I can slip into this mode of using it as avoiding life/reality/emotions/myself.....perhaps the avoidance of emotions are the key.

Wow, you definitely hit a point with me in this. I have discovered that I have many bad kinds of behavior that I use as a drug for avoidance purposes. Thinking more about it now, I have used this computer stuff in the same way because I can get lost in it.

But when you come to home life, something sets of something (perhaps just the thought of interacting with your family) that reminds you of past emotional pain, and your mind kicks in with its survival strategy (from when you where a kid) and you think about and start a project (that you can get lost in).

Wow, that seems like a surprisingly accurate possibility.

*edit* also I wanted to add something else. Failure of these things is also a bash trap. It is the negative introject leading you to a point where it can beat you up for being a failure! Dealing healthily with failure has helped me no end when it comes to this sort of thing. It takes the urgency/fixation out of it quite a bit.

If I may ask, how do you deal healthily with failure? In the past year I have been trying to see what I can learn from it and not take it as a personal failure.

I hope all this is making sense so far. This is the way my understanding is unfolding at least.

Yes it is making sense and is very helpful. Both you and Heimdallr are helping me to see new things and look at them in different ways. It is one of those areas which has been a massive part of my life but where I have been blind to (or chosen not to see in some cases) most aspects of it.

 

[obyvatel]

If I may ask, how do you deal healthily with failure? In the past year I have been trying to see what I can learn from it and not take it as a personal failure.

I think you pretty much answered your own question. To elaborate a little more on that point, the first step is to not identify with the failure - that is to stop thinking " I am a failure". Can be pretty hard to do when the negative introject is screaming "you are a failure" and may be bringing up all the past instances where I have met with failure. I mentally acknowledge the fact that my efforts towards achieving a certain goal has ended in failure as opposed to me being a failure. (Can take this as active reasoning as called by Gurdjieff).
Once this first step of decoupling or non-identification is achieved, and before I jump into analyzing the reasons behind the failure, I try to assign a relative scale of importance to the activity/project . This helps putting the activity/project in perspective and helps regulate the energy I spend subsequently towards analyzing the reasons of failure and/or making it a success.
The 3rd step is to understand the reasons of failure, lessons learned and future plan to make the activity/project successful if it is worth repeating.

All this is accomplished relatively smoothly if I am able to maintain a degree of presence in myself (or self-remember in Work terminology). Many times when I start on some activity/project, I am completely identified with the project. In this state, a part of me functions quite well in the sense that I can analyze data particular to the activity and go on debugging problems and perhaps get the project to a conclusion - but I am oblivious to my surroundings, time etc unless forcefully pulled back into reality through some strong "interrupt"ing event (nowadays takes the form of my 3 year old making enough noise or hitting me hard enough with some toy of his). In this strongly identified state it is quite easy to get drained, irritated and fall under the influence of the negative introject or the "why me - this is supposed to be simple" type thoughts.
The solution is to maintain presence in oneself or self-remember - something that I have been struggling with. I have found the activities of periodically coming back to the body - checking stuff like breathing, muscular tensions etc to be helpful. Also stopping to ask myself "what do I feel" is helpful - though I usually draw a blank on this question it serves to break up the habitual activity. Off course one needs to remember to do these things and I have a long long way to go in this regard, but I have found that repeated efforts do lead to incremental improvements in increasing the degree of presence /self remembering.
Don't know if this is useful or not - seems like stating some obvious things - so take it fwiw.

 

[RedFox]

If I may ask, how do you deal healthily with failure? In the past year I have been trying to see what I can learn from it and not take it as a personal failure.

I think obyvatel covered most of it. I'd recommend the top 4 (now 5) psychology books for more help on this. However if you have a reasonable grasp of the concepts the Buffers, Programs and "the Predator's Mind" thread pretty much covers the basics of what is happening (I've just reread it and it helps make a lot more sense of what was going on, kind of connects the dots). For whatever reason what tends to get triggered is a Primitive Defense Mechanism.
Your primary goal to start with is to be able to observe yourself well enough to spot when these things are happening, to catch yourself and stop and try and take an overview of yourself/your thoughts/your emotions at the time.
After that the thing I've learnt is how to see the difference between what logical overview would tell you about the situation and what the overreaction (program) is telling you.
If you can kind of find the mental middle point between the two its possible it seems I am able to discard the incorrect view (program). To do this I took the model of Pavlov's dog and the bell/salivating link, if you can mentally connect the trigger/cause and the automatic reaction you can interfere with it and cancel it out. It may take a few attempts but if you can see it and remember it you can switch it off osit.

 

[gaman]

Thanks obvyatel and Redfox. Both of your posts have been/are being very helpful. I have read the psych books and am going to re-read the "Buffers..." thread again.

(Note that for some reason I'm unaware of, I'm in a very agitated state today, like this thread has brought some of this back out and I've been feeling self-considering and like I'm being "put upon" by everything today.)

I am still very confused about how one handles or processes emotions (or if one is even supposed to instead of just watching) during a period such as one of these episodes. For context, I have pretty much had deadened or extremely dampened and suppressed emotions for the last 20+ years until some things started opening up a little a few months ago and now more happening with the E-E program.

Here is how I'm confused (sometimes I just "get it" and then sometimes I don't). So let's say all this stuff starts going wrong and I get more and more frustrated, negative introject kicking up, etc.. Now somewhere along this period I find I've fallen unaware and remember to wake up and try to self-remember. So, I see myself as angry, feeling like I can't do anything, world is out to get me, etc.

The question is, do I just let these emotions flow anyway and not try to alter them or repress them, but just watch them and continue my task? Stop the task? Sometimes when self-remembering and I note the reality of the situation vs. how I've been reacting to and perceiving it, then things calm down right away. But there are those times like mentioned above this thread where the emotions are running high, I'm trying to self-remember and noting more objective facts to myself, but even though I'm self remembering it isn't changing my subjective reactions. So in this circumstance, what to do? Continue task and let emotions run and just watch them? Or maybe does it mean I'm asleep and just think I'm self-remembering?

 

[go2]

I want to learn from this but I don't even know how to pursue these questions, or even if I'm asking the right questions.

Hi gaman, When we initiate a project there will always be resistance. Initiative plus resistance produces a result. It seems to me an illustration of the Law of Three. We find resistance annoying or frustrating until we understand it is always present and necessary.

The interesting question is observing your reaction to resistance. The frustration may mean your initiative was faulty, your understanding of the legitimacy of resistance is faulty or the result conflicts with an expectation or ideal you have established for a result. An open mind as to the final result and the path to same will eliminate frustration..

This simple understanding has made me a lot more selective in the projects in which I participate. This change of attitude or understanding has led to joy of participation in the process of creation. Mistakes, failures, and work are easier to take in stride.

I would be interested in comments on my understanding of the Law of Three as I applied it to gaman’s question, as I am just beginning to study this framework.

 

[kenlee]

Here is how I'm confused (sometimes I just "get it" and then sometimes I don't). So let's say all this stuff starts going wrong and I get more and more frustrated, negative introject kicking up, etc.. Now somewhere along this period I find I've fallen unaware and remember to wake up and try to self-remember. So, I see myself as angry, feeling like I can't do anything, world is out to get me, etc.

The question is, do I just let these emotions flow anyway and not try to alter them or repress them, but just watch them and continue my task? Stop the task? Sometimes when self-remembering and I note the reality of the situation vs. how I've been reacting to and perceiving it, then things calm down right away. But there are those times like mentioned above this thread where the emotions are running high, I'm trying to self-remember and noting more objective facts to myself, but even though I'm self remembering it isn't changing my subjective reactions. So in this circumstance, what to do? Continue task and let emotions run and just watch them? Or maybe does it mean I'm asleep and just think I'm self-remembering?

Fwiw, you might want to try something like the following. Find out where the center of gravity of your reactive anger is. Does it originate inside or outside you? Was it triggered by some event external to you that you can pin down or is it something that is going on internally inside you that doesn’t have anything to do with an external trigger?

Maybe it was internally triggered by an emotional memory and so the center of gravity of the anger is in your emotional center? Or maybe it’s center of gravity is in your instinctive center where your identifying with a negative physical state and the anger originates within the negative part of the instinctive center? Or maybe it's center of gravity is in the head brain where you work yourself up into an angry state by thinking about something over and over again?

Or maybe the reactive anger is externally triggered because your vanity was offended by something someone said or did? I understood Gurdjieff to say that the hardest thing for us to bear is the unpleasant manifestations of another. It’s the true test.

Make efforts to be present to yourself and this will help you to meet the reaction when it happens. Whether it’s triggered internally or externally your practice to be 'present to yourself' will allow you to meet the anger and be in front of it and ‘head it off at the pass’ as it were. If your consciously present to confront it (the anger) then you can observe it better since it does not have you totally body and soul. The act of observing it can shine light on it, and this can dissipate it, evaporate it and you can watch it pass thru you and see how it affects you and what may cause it.

The very act of observing creates a space within you from which you can watch it with more or less greater clarity. This will lessen the internal considering you have in relation to it. The internal considering is unconscious, mechanical and closes off this space. However external considering is conscious and opens that inner space.

If the anger is too great then you can kinda siphon it off by exercise (even hitting a punching bag). Or if you’re more the emotional type then maybe you might want to paint or garden or something like that. If you’re the intellectual type then maybe doing crossword problems will help (these are just examples). Just find what works for you that siphons off the negative energy at least to the point where you can observe the anger (or depression) so it does not swallow you up. The act of redirecting the negative energy of the anger into some positive activity might even transform your inner state completely (at least for that moment).

I found that some of my anger goes too deep and it won’t dissipate completley no matter what I do since it may relate to earlier trauma and can only be dealt with emotionally. But I think the deep rooted anger can be lessened (by doing stuff as suggested above) so that you are not so identified with it and where you can at least have the possibility of observing it more objectively and seeing how it affects you ( I know it's worked for me when I want to observe my deep rooted anger).

Then you can observe it from different angles and separate your mind from it and ask yourself questions about it. That’s a start at least. When you are not so identified with it you can ask yourself things like; what caused my anger? What triggered it? Something from my childhood? How does it affect me physically, how does it affect my body tension, my body postures, my facial tensions and expressions, my breathing? Is my anger because of something that was done to me when I was younger that I project outwardly so that ‘I do to others as was done to me’? and so on. I think separating your mind from the deeper rooted anger is at least a good start in dealing with it. Also, the breathing program will help!

 

[gaman]

Thank you all. This thread has given me a lot of help, including shining some light on even more areas I need to work on and understand. The time and energy you put into helping me is very much appreciated and I will be re-reading this several times as I work on this and related things.