M
Marie
Guest
Those are excerpts from Superior Threads
These are actual passages found in high school essays:
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
***
At one point during a soccer game, the coach called one of his 7- year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is how we play as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, yell at the referee, or call him an idiot. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb idiot is it?'' Again the little boy agreed.
"Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother and father."
***
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor circulation, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with getting Osama. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. There are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.
***
Favorite Bumper Stickers
1. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
5. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
6. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
7. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
8. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
10. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
12. I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
13. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Favorite bumper sticker: I don't approve of political jokes . . . . . I've seen too many of them get elected
***
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible. Exasperated, the little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
***
Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Hotel, Acapulco:? The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
On an Athi river highway:? Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
In a city restaurant: Open seven days a week, and weekends too.
In a Pmwani maternity ward: No children allowed.
Hotel brochure, Italy:? This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.
Hotel elevator, Paris: Please leave your values at the front desk.
Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.
***
Favorite signs.
On an electrician's truck. Let us remove your shorts.
At the dry cleaner's window. Drop your pants here.
On a door to a psychiatric ward: Please do not disturb further.
In an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On auto body shop: May we have the next dents?
In a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
At a hotel: Help. We need inn-experienced people.
In a maternity clothes store: We are open on labor day.
On the door of the maternity ward: Push Push Push.
These are actual passages found in high school essays:
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
***
At one point during a soccer game, the coach called one of his 7- year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is how we play as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, yell at the referee, or call him an idiot. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb idiot is it?'' Again the little boy agreed.
"Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother and father."
***
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor circulation, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with getting Osama. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. There are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.
***
Favorite Bumper Stickers
1. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
5. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
6. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
7. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
8. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
10. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
12. I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
13. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Favorite bumper sticker: I don't approve of political jokes . . . . . I've seen too many of them get elected
***
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible. Exasperated, the little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
***
Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Hotel, Acapulco:? The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
On an Athi river highway:? Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
In a city restaurant: Open seven days a week, and weekends too.
In a Pmwani maternity ward: No children allowed.
Hotel brochure, Italy:? This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.
Hotel elevator, Paris: Please leave your values at the front desk.
Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.
***
Favorite signs.
On an electrician's truck. Let us remove your shorts.
At the dry cleaner's window. Drop your pants here.
On a door to a psychiatric ward: Please do not disturb further.
In an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On auto body shop: May we have the next dents?
In a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
At a hotel: Help. We need inn-experienced people.
In a maternity clothes store: We are open on labor day.
On the door of the maternity ward: Push Push Push.
