Family Resentment AA Big Book Advice/STO Candidate advice

[Truthseeker101]

Hello All,

I am still very much a newby so forgive me if the AA portion of this stuff is discussed elsewhere in this forum.
I couldn't find it.

The truth ... it's a terrible thing to waste and I have been telling my truth to my family of origin as carefully
as I know how ... when I was asked by the way. And surprise surprise, I have upset the homeostasis of the family system
and the dust hasn't settled for 2 years. It just gets uglier by the day and I am trying to give it
no energy since I see it as a big black STS hole. Participation ... any participation in any of it ... just seems to
fuel the fire and non participation seems to be taken as a continual attack by none other than yours truly.

I'm an ACOA so I have program friends and
they keep referring me to the AA Big Book advice which basically says to pray for those that I resent if i want to
be free of the resentment. It says to ask in prayer for everything that you want for yourself to be given to them
and you will be free if you do it for a period of time ... they say at least 2 weeks. I personally know some really
honorable people who swear by this methodology and swear up and down that this is how they were able to stop resenting
the faces of God that caused them nothing but pain. It seems to have worked for these people in big way. So my
question is how? Are they deluding me along with themselves when they talk about how it worked for them? In other words,
they make it look like this approach bore fruit for themselves as well as others. IS it a big STS trap? Is this approach a
free will violation? This is what it looks like to me.

To me, this approach holds the possibility of submitting to the STS/domination dynamic in a major way especially
if one is praying with the intent of changing but perhaps this is praying for something else? This is on page 552 of
the AA Big Book which is online. The Big Book | Alcoholics Anonymous
I am interested in member comments on this approach and ideas as to WHY this approach might work. Comments
as to whether one should stay away from this approach and why? Hoping to turn down my resentment volume and
turn up the gratitude. Thanks!

 

[Buddy]

Hello All,

I am still very much a newby so forgive me if the AA portion of this stuff is discussed elsewhere in this forum.
I couldn't find it.

Hi Truthseeker101. Try ACOA as the search term. I got multiple results. You could also use "alcoholics anonymous" and "12 step" for additional info.

The truth ... it's a terrible thing to waste and I have been telling my truth to my family of origin as carefully
as I know how ... when I was asked by the way. And surprise surprise, I have upset the homeostasis of the family system
and the dust hasn't settled for 2 years. It just gets uglier by the day and I am trying to give it
no energy since I see it as a big black STS hole. Participation ... any participation in any of it ... just seems to
fuel the fire and non participation seems to be taken as a continual attack by none other than yours truly.

May I ask what you mean by "telling my truth to my family of origin?"

Nonetheless I do have a lot of resentment towards my family. Or I guess you could say I have a lot of resentment towards
the faces of God that make up my family. I'm an ACOA so I have program friends and
they keep referring me to the AA Big Book advice which basically says to pray for those that I resent if i want to
be free of the resentment. It says to ask in prayer for everything that you want for yourself to be given to them
and you will be free if you do it for a period of time ... they say at least 2 weeks. I personally know some really
honorable people who swear by this methodology and swear up and down that this is how they were able to stop resenting
the faces of God that caused them nothing but pain. It seems to have worked for these people in big way. So my
question is how? Are they deluding me along with themselves when they talk about how it worked for them? In other words,
they make it look like this approach bore fruit for themselves as well as others. IS it a big STS trap? Is this approach a
free will violation? This is what it looks like to me.

What kind of results are we talking about? You mean like attitude changes leading to changes in behavior toward the person praying and stuff like that?

To me, this approach holds the possibility of submitting to the STS/domination dynamic in a major way especially
if one is praying with the intent of changing but perhaps this is praying for something else? This is on page 552 of
the AA Big Book which is online. http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_personalstories_partIII.pdf
I am interested in member comments on this approach and ideas as to WHY this approach might work. Comments
as to whether one should stay away from this approach and why? Hoping to turn down my resentment volume and
turn up the gratitude. Thanks!

On page 551, the author talks about his self-pity and resentment and how it had become as much a part of him as his breathing. This effectively functioned as an organizing principle in his life, allowing him to live with his lack of education, marital failures, personal failures, inadequacies and his own alcoholism. Before he found that technique for praying about his resentment, he had already determined he was going to do something about this, so he was motivated.

The prayer instruction was to ask for things for the other person that they would probably want anyway, like health, prosperity and happiness (you could ask what your beneficiary for your praying might want if you choose to do that).

After the two weeks of praying, it looks to me like the payoff for the person praying was to break down his walls of bitterness, resentment and hatred, replacing those feelings with compassionate understanding and love. The author sums up the way this works by saying it is an example of (personal) freedom that comes from doing something you ought to do because you want to do it.

My personal impression was that the author could also have described this experience as a kind of self-forgiveness via putting someone else's needs (his enemy?) before his own. Personally, I wouldn't tell anyone to stay away from this if they feel so inclined. Others might have different views.

 

[Meg]

Hi Truthseeker101​,

I know how you feel. I spent 7 years in AA. To make a long story short, in my experience AA has been co-opted by religion. For the record, the Big Book does not say to pray for people you are mad at. That's in the stories in the back of the book. Those are there for a newcomer to relate and identify. That particular story was written by Dr. Paul who I heard has since regretted writing that because he knows better. Depending on the prayer, it is determining the needs of another, so I'd agree with you there. Here's what you do with resentments, starting on page 64.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf

This can also be helpful. It has the page numbers you reference to complete and understand your fourth step inventory.
http://www.barefootsworld.net/aaresentments.html

Have you worked the 12 steps with a sponsor?

 

[Buddy]

Wow, my apologies for chiming in prematurely. I think I see what you mean now, Truthseeker101 and Menrva.

I found the "Laundry List" and it appears to me that what that author was advocating plays on one or more of the traits on that list, like maybe #6 for example. Would anyone agree?

ref:
http://www.adultchildren.org/lit-Laundry_List

 

[Truthseeker101]

Thanks

Hi Truthseeker101,

I know how you feel. I spent 7 years in AA. To make a long story short, in my experience AA has been co-opted by religion. For the record, the Big Book does not say to pray for people you are mad at. That's in the stories in the back of the book. Those are there for a newcomer to relate and identify. That particular story was written by Dr. Paul who I heard has since regretted writing that because he knows better. Depending on the prayer, it is determining the needs of another, so I'd agree with you there. Here's what you do with resentments, starting on page 64.

The Big Book | Alcoholics Anonymous

Alcoholics Anonymous, also known as the “Big Book,” presents the A.A. program for recovery from alcoholism.

www.aa.org

This can also be helpful. It has the page numbers you reference to complete and understand your fourth step inventory.

Bare Foots World - Life is better with us

www.barefootsworld.net

Have you worked the 12 steps with a sponsor?

Thanks Menrva, I found these clarifications helpful. I very closely quoted lines from the story written by Dr. Paul in my 2 sentence synopsis so I appreciate your clarification that this was not the main advice of the Big Book for resentment ... it's been a while since i read it. I am not in AA. I went to AA meetings as I was dating a Recovering Alcoholic as well as being surrounded by alcoholism in my family. I never had a sponsor from Al-Anon during that time. Thanks for showing me where to look so I can refresh myself and for understanding what I meant about the prayer. And Thank you as well Buddy for your responses ... I hope to get better at searching and i am looking forward to reading the "Laundry list"

 

[Andrey]

Perhaps if you "pray" for changing your own perspective of those you resent rather than trying to "change" them metaphysically, it isn't STS.