Father's letter after the suicide of his son, who showed no signs.

[JGeropoulas]

Excerpts from a poignant letter written to the public by the father of a 14-year-old son who, without any classic warning signs, committed suicide. I was especially struck by the first sentence:

Connor was also deeply bothered by the evil in the world. He couldn’t understand why there was so much suffering, so much meanness, and why people hurt each other. He was a pacifist. He said he could never kill someone under any circumstances. He felt it was always better to turn the other cheek and approach the world with love. Connor was a champion of the downtrodden and a friend to everyone that would have him. He loved people and he loved life

It is my hope that when people understand the circumstances of Connor’s death that they will understand this can happen to anyone, that we can’t assume anyone is safe from it, and that education and vigilance are vitally important.

There are nearly always other factors or signs that parents become aware of but Connor never did act depressed or even remotely suicidal about anything at any time; he always seemed amazingly sane, mature, and level-headed about his approach to life. He was outgoing and gregarious, caring and kind, happy and fun-loving.

Connor’s main known risk factor was his level of exposure to suicidal behavior. One of his best friends had killed himself three months earlier; this was a significant and intense experience for him but he seemed to handle it well.

Additionally, two school days before he died, he was present for a student remembrance of another freshman that had killed himself two years earlier; it involved a poignant and vivid public display of emotion. While education on the issue of suicide is so important, public memorials are not recommended. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention recommends against them. That’s because students already vulnerable to suicide may be attracted to the idea of getting recognition or gratification in death.

I wish that Okaloosa County didn’t make our high school kids wake up in the dark for school. This is bad for any age group but worse for teens because their circadian rhythms change. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends school start times no earlier than 8:30 am. Only 2% of schools in the country start as early as 7 a.m. High school teens in Okaloosa County are sleep deprived and often miserable in class. Connor did well academically but, after loving school his whole life, he hated this first year of high school.

It’s very difficult as a parent to encourage productive behavior because it inherently involves adding stress to a child’s life. All kids are different and need direction but it is so hard to tell how exactly they are truly feeling inside so we need to be cautious in applying pressure to excel. The lowest suicide rates in the world are on many Caribbean islands where people try hard to live stress-free lives. Now that I’ve lost a child I realize how really unimportant his grades were.

Connor is truly the best human being I have met in 53 years of life; an amazing force of goodness and humanity; he was my best friend, an amazing son, and an example to me in so many ways.

Complete letter here: http://www.nwfdailynews.com/news/20171031/we-just-didnt-even-have-chance-to-save-him

 

[Cleo]

Thanks for sharing. The father's story made me think of other stories I've read about since the loss of my brother, where there is a lack of classic warning signs. I sometimes visit the Alliance of Hope forum for suicide loss survivors and on the forum, there is this blog entry about impulsive suicide:

http://www.allianceofhope.org/blog_/2012/05/why-impulsive-suicide.html

 

[JGeropoulas]

Thanks for sharing. The father's story made me think of other stories I've read about since the loss of my brother, where there is a lack of classic warning signs. I sometimes visit the Alliance of Hope forum for suicide loss survivors and on the forum, there is this blog entry about impulsive suicide:

http://www.allianceofhope.org/blog_/2012/05/why-impulsive-suicide.html

Sorry for your loss. That would be such a tormenting form of grief I'd think. I've had several cousins die that way and it was haunting even though we weren't close. I'm sympathetic to a person feeling so much physical or emotional pain that they'd resort to leaving this way, but it seems so disturbing to think of how unnatural it would have to feel to end one's own life--even though I attempted it 45 years ago at 19 and ended up in a psych hospital for a week.

 

[Joe]

Excerpts from a poignant letter written to the public by the father of a 14-year-old son who, without any classic warning signs, committed suicide. I was especially struck by the first sentence:

Connor was also deeply bothered by the evil in the world. He couldn’t understand why there was so much suffering, so much meanness, and why people hurt each other. He was a pacifist. He said he could never kill someone under any circumstances. He felt it was always better to turn the other cheek and approach the world with love. Connor was a champion of the downtrodden and a friend to everyone that would have him.

Seems to me that a person who fits the profile described in that first sentence would be more likely to be depressive and possibly commit suicide. Very sad that this kid didn't get the help that might have provided him with a more realistic perspective and the tools to deal with the world that we live in today.

 

[maxgash]

From this article I found on SOTT the other day...

As a psychologist Peterson would agree that the idea of moral progress is an illusion. No matter the technological advances of society - each human being starts again from zero at birth - and has to learn anew the moral lessons and how to live, with the same propensity to fall into habits of thought and belief structures that are influenced by the worst aspects of ourselves.

https://medium.com/perspectiva-institute/the-man-for-the-times-of-chaos-jordan-peterson-2df43c24672f

Some of us don't escape that terrible vacuum.

 

[Cleo]

Thanks for sharing. The father's story made me think of other stories I've read about since the loss of my brother, where there is a lack of classic warning signs. I sometimes visit the Alliance of Hope forum for suicide loss survivors and on the forum, there is this blog entry about impulsive suicide:

http://www.allianceofhope.org/blog_/2012/05/why-impulsive-suicide.html

Sorry for your loss. That would be such a tormenting form of grief I'd think. I've had several cousins die that way and it was haunting even though we weren't close. I'm sympathetic to a person feeling so much physical or emotional pain that they'd resort to leaving this way, but it seems so disturbing to think of how unnatural it would have to feel to end one's own life--even though I attempted it 45 years ago at 19 and ended up in a psych hospital for a week.

Sorry for your loss as well.

I've been thinking lately about the word 'stigma,' and why there is the stigma around mental illness and suicide. I find it a difficult topic to write about, and I question how much this stigma plays into it.

Also, I thought what the father wrote here in his letter was especially important:

It is my hope that when people understand the circumstances of Connor’s death that they will understand this can happen to anyone, that we can’t assume anyone is safe from it, and that education and vigilance are vitally important.

There is a tendency to avoid the topic of suicide because of concern about glamorizing it or planting an idea. But experts all say that you need education and you need to directly ask a person “are you thinking of hurting yourself?” because this is the best way to get them to talk about it and the statistics clearly show that the thoughts are often there anyway. Like drug or sex education, or talking about bullying, the subject requires education for people to know how to deal with it.