Fears

[Cyre2067]

Last night I had a semi-breakthrough. I was trying not to fend off my emotions, but to feel them. I've been doing this thing where I've been reading a lot lately, and I grasp the mental side of the knowledge, but I'm probing for an emotional reaction to the things I read in an attempt to get more out of it and exercise my emotional center. So this yielded an overabundance of urgency, fear, apprehension and calm acceptance (oddly enough) when I was reading The Cosmic Winter. Anyway I dug up some fears and figured I'd share them.

Fears

Rejection - I have a strong sense of not wanting to be rejected. I think a lot of it is from growing up gay and feeling this need to 'mask' my 'true self' in order to survive. I did feel, at several points from 13-16 that if my father ever got wind I'd be disowned if not 'drug outback and shot', thankfully my fear was exaggerated in my case. I also recall how I would blend in with different groups in high school and college and everyone loved me for it. 'Education' proceeded quite well and I was 'socialized' - converted into a shape-shifter so I could get close to groups and then proceed to feed no doubt. Then the thought hit - this is what I'm doing here - and it definitely started that way, now I suppose only my disinterested efforts and actions can speak otherwise.

Unknown - Growing up I used to have this most horrid stomach pain, typically after I ate. For the longest time my parents refused to believe me and forced me to finish 'all that was on my plate', eventhough I was in agony and often refused and suffered the punishment (typically going to my room for the rest of the night, osit). Western medicine, and it's all-knowing-all-seeing medical awareness couldn't find a problem. It was likely in my head, so they said, and thus reinforced my parents line. In second grade, after several month after month episodes of strep throat, I had my tonsils taken out. The doctor afterward, noted just how bloated and infected they were and said they were likely leaking acids down into my stomach and that easily could have caused my chronic pain. Who knew?

I see this now as promoting my Fear of the Unknown (known to me, not known to others). I'll see something, feel something, and when I try to tell others, family or friends it is ignored, discarded, explained away. It seems to have shifted from stomach pain to awareness of the global reality. I tried to tell my folks, friends, coworkers (though not as much anymore, it seemingly has no effect, nor it is externally considerate) but I would get ignored, derided, labeled or told - it's all in your head, you think too much.

Death - not so much physical death, but soul death. Failing to succeed in the Work.

Failure - Growing up I was naturally gifted at school, I never had to work to get A's, until about puberty. From there out I always did the minimum work to get the grade I wanted, B's were good enough. I was constantly berated by my father, no matter what grades I got he was never happy. Even when I would bring home A, B+, A, A, A-, B, he'd said "What's with the minus, these B's?" No congratz, no good job... after that I found it harder to get As. I think that was in seventh grade. This no doubt impacted my college illegibility, and even carried over into college affecting my grad school illegibility. The first time I applied to colleges I got rejected from all of them, and then same just happened again with grad school. My grades weren't even that bad, GPA 3.18 cum, scholarships and awards, a great resume and recommendations.

Darkside - A few weeks ago I had a pretty rough spot. I was having horrible thoughts, 'well if you can't make 4D STO you could always join the marines, go kill a few hundred people and level up your STS to 95%' - I was actually considering it. I then came to the conclusion that repeated 3D would be a better option, and that I can become a 4D STO candidate if I dedicate myself fully, completely, without reservation. Paying up front, paying often, with cold hard cash as it were. Still, I'm afraid of myself.

Being alone - I've been working on this one for a long time. I think I've made a lot of progress is that I now live alone, avoid 'dating', and when I see my friends I consciously think of myself 'throwing the wolf a piece of meat'. I do fear my potential for getting nailed in a 'lovebite' situation. One never knows when the matrix will come along with 'the perfect mate' and offer it to you for the price of your soul. Sends shivers down my spine.

Impotence - I have this gaping fear of being unable to help the ones I love. Unable to help other people and the world at large. I think this was driven home by a shock I got in another thread.

All of the above were swirling inside just beyond the reach of my consciousness, i buried them, self-calmed them away. Then last night I found my fear of rejection and started to pull at it as I walked around outside, smoking. It was like pulling a brick out of a dam, the dam collapsing and getting carried away in the torrent. Everything else flooded my mind. I found it difficult to walk, to breathe, I couldn't even cry, I sat on a bench for what felt like an eternity but objectively only could have been a few minutes. I walked home and laid in bed starring at nothing in particular, seeing myself in the nothingness. I am nothing, this is my reflection.

Eventually, after several hours of felling extremely afraid, weak, empty, & child-like I decided that I am a responsible being, these emotions, these fears are mine and I must own them. Some of them are externally caused, but others I created myself, and I must take responsibility, I told myself I'll feel horrible for as long as I need to and sat up until about 4-5am feeling this horrible pulsing tightness in my lower abdomen. I fell asleep then awoke four hours later, got up, did some reading, dishes and then around ten went back to sleep. I woke again around noon, feeling a bit better, but even now I feel different. I'm consciously aware of my fears and I must master them, make them mine and use them to fuel my Work, osit.

 

[mkrnhr]

Thank you. It is a couragous and inspiring introspection.

 

[Tarri]

Wow. Thank you so much for sharing. It really helps to keep things in perspective when we read posts like your. We are all going through this struggle with ourselves and at times feel as if we aren't getting anywhere. Speaking for myself, reading your post allows me to see where I am in all this, it helps me just knowing that what you, all of us are going through is part of the process.
Again. thanks for sharing with us.
Tarri

 

[spyraal]

Hello. Your post was very eloquent and i think resonates with many of us in this forum.

These fears of yours are so familiar! If i am allowed, i would group these fears into two categories for the shake of my argument:
The first would be with fears that originate from outwards in a way -rejection, failure and being alone. I put these together because it takes another person's judgement to feel rejected, ineffective or unattractive. But let's think for a moment: who is the one that rejects you really? ("you" is everyone here) What is his/hers level of awareness? How much weight that opinion carries? What goals you failed to reach and were these goals your own to start with? Personally, if go through these questions with the persons that make me have these fears, most of the times i realize that these emotions (rejection, failure etc.) are mostly mechanical and are not supported by objective thinking or facts. It is feeding through creation of guilt. The only true lonelyness i feel is being among people who not only are in a deep sleep but only "snore" when they believe that they are speaking. I know it is their choice at some level, but i admit feeling sadness often which again might be disguised expectation, thus no good.

In the second category i would put fear of the unknown and the fear of death. And this because in my opinion, these fears come from the "inside" or the depths of the human nature and can only be overcome from the inside, with inner work. The fear of the unknown can only be dealt with daily input of knowledge. Because what are the limits to knowlege? There are none. How can we rate our progress in absolute terms? We cannot. All we can is keep growing. It is this sense or feeling of slowly but constantly expanding that builds up our self-confidence, our magnetic center or our sense of "impeccability" in Don Juan words.

Our Higher Self knows no fear or has no need for reassurance. It is our Ego or personality that gets hurt. It is our own expectations that are fail us. The more we work towards our Higher Self, the better the things will become in terms of understanding and seeing everything's true nature.

As Don Juan said:
"A warrior has no honor, no dignity, no family, no name, no country; he has only life to be lived, and under these circumstances, his only tie to his fellow men is his controlled folly."

Thank you for the thinking opportunity!
Spyros

 

[Smallwood]

Hello. I suppose this is bit of a bump, but I thought after reading your posts that I should try sharing some of my very similar feelings. I think I'll make this my introduction post here too.

Introduction: I've been reading Cass-material for about 6 months or so. Adventures-series was my first introduction to Gurdjieff's work which in itself has been a wonderful experience of reading and learning.

Seeing the layers of the predator's mind covering my own sent me back to rethink some basic ideas I held about the subject of psychopaths. I pulled myself through a sickly period of being bullied in school, which kind of set me up to learn about it. For years I've seethingly spewed stuff like "We should kill'em all" and so on, which ended me up feeding off of my mother particularly who was the only one to love me enough in spite of that. For about a year, I was completely deriding of love for anything. Yet, conversely, I thought of myself having higher ideals than anyone I knew. I guess one could almost say I was sort of apologetic for psychopaths for getting rid of all those mindless sheeple (when I first read of conspiracies and such many years ago, I instantly knew what kind of people the perpetrators would be...) . But anyway, that's the way I still was a year ago. My brother has been a tremendous healing factor whose friendship and patience has helped me to face more human worldview. When I read the perfect article Laura wrote about Transmarginal Inhibition, where she explained very clearly the one of the subtle mechanisms with which we are being controlled that I could relate to my own experience, I was ready to give the esoteric content a shot. Suffice to say, I've never been the same afterwards.

But the battle against STS leanings is a hard one. I don't know whether it's the oddities of my personality or of chemical nature (I'm being diagnosed for Asperger's, and some stuff I know about that syndrome rings true for me), but the monster in me is not going to give up. In fact, currently I'm feeling a bit awful when it comes to the state of my Work. There have been many times when I've witnessed what seems like a healthy interaction between me and other people and my success in avoiding the feeding-mechanism has been an inspiration to continue. But some little ”I” always hijacks the car and a few moments later I realize I'm eating while I'm not hungry or starting up a mindrotting computer game as if I had nothing better to do. What is even more sad for me is seeing how precious moments of the Universe whispering to me that I witnessed for the first few months are going to waste. A couple of nights ago I had a dream that I interpreted as losing the fragile beginnings of a connection with my emotional centre. It was as if that event was related to my visit to my sister's (who just screams ”vampire”). I had to spend a night there. When I woke up at the morning I felt terribly fatigued emotionally -it could be due to my sister's influence, but just as well could be my own lack of attention to Work-. When I came home, the predator's mind was ready to strike when I found myself draining my father with some anti-christian rant I used as if it would have any positive effect. Since then I think I've been subtly rude to some people who deserved much better. And the sensation of emotional fullness achieved with conscious effort has not returned and probably won't until I saddle up and do the Work sincerely again. I guess this has been a lesson to not stop for comfort. The way the world is going it looks like I may be too late to this, but if I could secure an emotional base from which to work on in the coming lives (if I'm to have more), I would rather endure another cycle of war and famine than be a STS jerk for another day.

I have to catch up, so I'll get on with the All and Everything.

 

[RyanX]

This thread seemed to ring true for me in a lot of ways. The last couple days I've been pondering my fears and a lot of what is said here I can really relate to.

Fear of rejection:

I remember a time when I was a boy no older than 3, having an older boy (whose parents was supposed to be babysitting us) lock me in his room for what seemed like eternity. Looking back, I was probably only locked up for at most 10 minutes or so, but this was a huge traumatic experience I don't think I've ever gotten over. This incident seemed to leap out at me when I read the Myth of Sanity. Subconsciously, I think I also blame my Mom for letting this happen to me, although I have never expressed this to her emotionally. I did mentioned it one time in a detached, intellectual sort of way. Anyways, it has always been my fear that somebody or some group that I thought cared for me is going to shut me away for good.

I have always been a rather withdrawn person socially. I never felt comfortable in large groups at school or elsewhere. The ring-leaders with their bullying (now I understand as psychopathic) tactics always made me feel extremely uncomfortable, so I would usually try and keep to myself when I could. I did what I could to avoid harassment, sometimes that meant picking on other people too. The ponerization process is amazingly efficient! I've always felt that whatever social group I join, I always have something to prove - some talent to express based on the nature of the group. It was that way when I played in various bands and music groups and even with certain employers too. It is no different now with this forum, although I'm starting to see this problem mirrored back to me. I find myself trying to live up to some yardstick that only exists in my imagination. The fear of rejection is what keeps me constantly measuring myself.

Where I think this fear has really hurt me is in my intimate relationships. I had the hardest times in school and even now coming to just ask a girl out on a date. I literally turn myself inside and out when I considered the possibility. Most of the time I would give up and not do anything, passing up potential opportunities with women who were on my level. Eventually I just gave up and decided that I would only pursuit a relationship when it was obvious the girl was obviously attracted to me in some way, even though we might not be quite compatable. That program coupled with a program to want to continue or "save" a relationship at all costs has been a horrible combination. In other words, these two programs together (falling for not quite the right women, plus extending the relationships beyond their natural lifetime) led to horrible feeding situations that I have denied for the longest time. I realize now that I was in no way conscious of this whole process and living entirely mechanical according to my programs. 4D STS must have seen me as a rabbit in the cross-hairs.

Fear of the unknown/future:

This is a big one for me too. I'm finding it hard to strike a balance between being prepared for probable futures and living a normal healthy, existence. For some reason, it hasn't clicked until recently that working on the self IS the way to prepare for any and all probable futures. It has struck me as heartbreakingly true recently that I really cannot DO anything until I gain mastery over the Self. So at this point I find myself re-prioritizing my goals and taking a good look at myself and how I've lived my life up until this point. I can see that this general "fear" has been the main driver in most of my outward activities whatever form they happen to take. I've even noticed the way I constantly lie to myself to justify some of these pointless activities - making up excuses and whatnot. Some of these things I'm not even that interested in and in the process I've neglected my own natural talents (such as music) for more mundane activities. It really saddens me when I think about it, actually!

Fear of death:

I'm not sure where this one ranks. I think since having children this one has been somewhat displaced to be fear of losing my children rather than losing my physical self. Although in reality my children losing me would probably be more traumatic than me losing them. I guess in a way this is somewhat selfish. There was a period not too long ago where I wanted to read as much as I could about reincarnation or the possibility of such. I think my final conclusion was that the phenomena was real and that it seems to happen to "some souls", but I couldn't extrapolate that to be "every soul". Even with this largely intellectual activity, there has been little comfort from the reality of death in the emotional sense. I just don't have a lot of real-life experience dealing with death either. One reason for this may be that very few people in my immediate family have died during my lifetime, so I'm just haven't worked through all those thoughts that a loved one's death forces one to focus on. My grandfather passed away last year and that was the first death my family has seen in almost 20 years, but in a lot of ways I hardly knew the man. I know this absence of death can't continue and at some point I will be forced to deal with the death of one or more people really close to me. This scares me a lot.

I know this is an entirely subjective feeling or notion, but I have had for the longest time a sense that I would not live much past the age of 30 (I turn 30 next year). This has been a thought that has been with me ever since I was a teenager. You can imagine the combination of this premonition coupled with reading some of the latest material on comets and other threats to civilization really hasn't quelled this illusion. Maybe this premonition isn't an illusion? Sometimes I wonder if it's more symbolic in the sense of dying as in losing the "personality" in the esoteric sense? Maybe this dying just implies the process of seeing the programs in myself and starting the Work? I guess I shouldn't fall for any rigid interpretation of some subjective sensation and it probably isn't useful focusing on this thought at all. I don't want to shut out reality and believe that all will be sunshine and roses, but at the same time I have a hard time seeing obvious realities in myself. From a positive perspective, this feeling of impending death has forced me to feel the sensation that time is running out and that there isn't a moment to waste. Unfortunately my programs get in the way and I end up wasting this precious time, needlessly. I know I must focus on observing myself and learning about my many "I"s and then start to build my staircase "one step at a time" as others have put it, but I have a long way to go.

Ryan

 

[RedFox]

Hi RyanX

Just wanted to say that your description of fears, experiences and personality seems very close to my own....obviously there are significant differences but still very similar.

I seem to be reaching a point where I am able to get past my fears (although it could possibly be a buffer?). I am not quite sure how to explain it, but perhaps it will help you deal with yours so I will try.
It seems to me that I have learnt to not be afraid of my emotions. Specifically feeling terror. Because it seems that this is the natural state of someone who is seeing things objectively.
If its a natural state of objective observation, then the feeling of terror seems to me to be something to be embraced/accepted rather than rejected.
This led me to conclude that if I was rejecting terror, perhaps I was rejecting (avoiding feeling) other emotions too....
Fear and anger are two I identified, and conclude that I probably resist many emotions.....

When you experience a trauma you experience terror.....this can go two ways. If you are prepared you could see things objectively (I think but may be mistaken that terror can be an aid to an objective state, it does at least come with being objective), but if you have no context (for example are a kid!) then you will dissociate from the terror as a natural defence/coping mechanism, and until you are capable of recognising it you will always dissociate from terror by default. Once I recognised this it seems that facing something like fear is nothing to be afraid of...because it could lead to terror...and hopefully objective observations! :)

Hopefully I've grasped this concept correctly!

 

[PepperFritz]

Last night I had a semi-breakthrough. I was trying not to fend off my emotions, but to feel them....

That can be an extremely effective exercise. You can only NAME your fear by allowing yourself to FEEL it. By unearthing and NAMING these "fears" in yourself, you can begin to recognize the "key" to your mechanical nature. When you are "ruled by fear", you cannot BE or DO. You can only be a machine that reacts, and one that reacts in very predictable fashion.

Before I encountered Laura's work and the Cass material, I came to believe that something in the universe (4th-density STS, I now realize) was actively FEEDING on my fear; and that the more I acted from fear, the more that "something" messed with me and my life, finding ways to rachet-up the fear level, to provide itself with more and more feeding opportunities. There came a turning point that I vividly remember to this day. I was walking home, stressing out about yet another catastrophic problem in my life, and suddenly I felt ANGRY, absolutely FURIOUS at the idea of being someone's FOOD. I stopped in the middle of the street, crying, sobbing, and I said "No! I will not be your FOOD! I will not be ruled by FEAR!" From that point forward, it became a mantra of sorts that I would say in defiance whenever I found myself either reacting from fear, or acting out of fear. It didn't happen overnight, but I gradually developed "techniques" for dealing with fear that helped reduce the amount of fear I felt on a daily basis -- and hence, the degree to which I reacted mechanically to fears.

One technique that I use (to great effectiveness!) is kind of the opposite of the "new age" technique of "positive visualisation". Like you did, I try to FEEL my fear, in order to specifically identify what it is I am afraid of, no matter how stupid it might sound. For instance, in the past I might be feeling very anxious about a report that was overdue for my job, leading to self-destructive procrastinating behaviour. I would "follow" the irrational thoughts and emotions behind the fear, and realize that I was afraid that I was too incompetent to do the report, that I would be exposed as a fraud, that I would lose my job, that I would not be able to pay the rent, and that I would finally end up on the street a pitiful, homeless failure! Then I would deliberately imagine each of these catastrophic things happening, and visualize myself successfully coping with and dealing with them. For me, the key to conquering fear is not to "visualize" a "pretend" world in which bad things never happen to me, but rather a world in which I am perfectly capable of dealing with bad things (also known as lessons!) without falling apart. When I am able to do that, I am no longer just "reacting", I am actually making conscious choices.

I have this gaping fear of being unable to help the ones I love. Unable to help other people and the world at large.

This is what Gurdjieff said about the urge to "help other people". You need to read it over and over and over again, until you feel the SHAME that he speaks of. It is but one example of how we use our endless fears and preoccupations as buffers, as ways of avoiding seeing ourselves as we truly are.

It was said, for instance, that somebody wanted to help people. In order to be able to help people one must first learn to help oneself. A great number of people become absorbed in thoughts and feelings about helping others simply out of laziness. They are too lazy to work on themselves; and at the same time it is very pleasant for them to think that they are able to help others. This is being false and insincere with oneself. If a man looks at himself as he really is, he will not begin to think of helping other people: he will be ashamed to think about it.

 

[RyanX]

It seems to me that I have learnt to not be afraid of my emotions. Specifically feeling terror. Because it seems that this is the natural state of someone who is seeing things objectively.
If its a natural state of objective observation, then the feeling of terror seems to me to be something to be embraced/accepted rather than rejected.
This led me to conclude that if I was rejecting terror, perhaps I was rejecting (avoiding feeling) other emotions too....
Fear and anger are two I identified, and conclude that I probably resist many emotions.....

Hi Redfox

What you mentioned about "avoiding feeling" strikes a chord with me. I can think of many situations in my life where I have simply refused to Feel and just push my emotions into a dark corner. It has almost become an instinctive reaction of sorts. I recently read through the Depression as a Stepping Stone thread and it seems that what you described is also articulated by Art in the very first post. One must learn to hold the negative feeling in the emotional center and simply observe it. This being the first step in building one's staircase. I think I understand this intellectually, or in theory, but I'm going to have to practice this because there is still a part of me that doesn't "get it".

It amazes me at how most of us are like children when it comes to understanding our emotions - myself included. It kind of feels like I've moved through all 29 years of my life by cheating on all my (emotional) tests and now I have to go back and repeat a few grades...

Ryan

 

[Gawan]

Fear of rejection:

[…]
I have always been a rather withdrawn person socially. I never felt comfortable in large groups at school or elsewhere. […] The fear of rejection is what keeps me constantly measuring myself.

Where I think this fear has really hurt me is in my intimate relationships. I had the hardest times in school and even now coming to just ask a girl out on a date. I literally turn myself inside and out when I considered the possibility. Most of the time I would give up and not do anything, passing up potential opportunities with women who were on my level. Eventually I just gave up and decided that I would only pursuit a relationship when it was obvious the girl was obviously attracted to me in some way, even though we might not be quite compatable. That program coupled with a program to want to continue or "save" a relationship at all costs has been a horrible combination. In other words, these two programs together (falling for not quite the right women, plus extending the relationships beyond their natural lifetime) led to horrible feeding situations that I have denied for the longest time. I realize now that I was in no way conscious of this whole process and living entirely mechanical according to my programs. 4D STS must have seen me as a rabbit in the cross-hairs.

Hi Ryan,

I feel very similar of what you have been describing.
SAO has been writing, imo, a very helpful post and maybe you can relate to it as well:
Self esteem

What I tried in the last couple of weeks, is just doing the opposite of what I have been doing the years before: staying at home and reading for example, where nothing can happen to me, because I feel safe, so I stepped out and joint parties, met people. And I did ask a girl for a date as well, also when in the end she has not been interested, but I took the chance to learn something.

Most often it is all about internal considering: what others may think about you.

Here is one quote from Watzlawick an Austrian psychologist, regarding of rejection (of yourself), he said for example (paraphrased), that there are no moments in our life where we do not communicate (body language etc.) and then a fable, which I myself find funny and quite fitting to be afraid of doing something (to talk to a girl…):

A self-fulfilling prophecy is an assumption or prediction that, purely as a result of having been made, cause the expected or predicted event to occur and thus confirms its own 'accuracy.'

That means, here I take myself as an example, I expected most times that I get rejected from a group, so I turned more calm and calm, sat down outside the group instead within the group, so my -communication- has been showing others, I don't want to be with them, because I separated myself from them. And -normal- people non-narcissists and non-psychopaths are accepting this behaviour, because they don't want to force someone to do something, they don't like. Accepting the boundaries of a person.

The fox and the grapes

One afternoon a fox was walking through the forest and spotted a bunch of grapes hanging from over a lofty branch.
"Just the thing to quench my thirst," quoth he.

Taking a few steps back, the fox jumped and just missed the hanging grapes. Again the fox took a few paces back and tried to reach them but still failed.

Finally, giving up, the fox turned up his nose and said, "They're probably sour anyway," and proceeded to walk away.

;)

It amazes me at how most of us are like children when it comes to understanding our emotions - myself included. It kind of feels like I've moved through all 29 years of my life by cheating on all my (emotional) tests and now I have to go back and repeat a few grades...

Have you read Alice Millers: "The drama of the gifted child"? It is dealing with emotions from childhood and is also an easy to read book.

 

[RyanX]

Hi Ryan,

I feel very similar of what you have been describing.
SAO has been writing, imo, a very helpful post and maybe you can relate to it as well:
Self esteem

What I tried in the last couple of weeks, is just doing the opposite of what I have been doing the years before: staying at home and reading for example, where nothing can happen to me, because I feel safe, so I stepped out and joint parties, met people. And I did ask a girl for a date as well, also when in the end she has not been interested, but I took the chance to learn something.

Wow, thanks for the link! I missed that one and it almost sounds like he could have written it for me.

It's true that I tend to withdraw into my own world when confronted with the possibility of rejection. I've done this more times than I can count throughout my life and often found elaborate ways to justify this behavior to myself. I certainly enjoy reading about well... everything, but at times I've done it for the wrong reasons just as an escape from my feelings. I need to learn to strike a balance somehow and not be afraid to take social risks some times.

Most often it is all about internal considering: what others may think about you.

Here is one quote from Watzlawick an Austrian psychologist, regarding of rejection (of yourself), he said for example (paraphrased), that there are no moments in our life where we do not communicate (body language etc.) and then a fable, which I myself find funny and quite fitting to be afraid of doing something (to talk to a girl…):

A self-fulfilling prophecy is an assumption or prediction that, purely as a result of having been made, cause the expected or predicted event to occur and thus confirms its own 'accuracy.'

That means, here I take myself as an example, I expected most times that I get rejected from a group, so I turned more calm and calm, sat down outside the group instead within the group, so my -communication- has been showing others, I don't want to be with them, because I separated myself from them. And -normal- people non-narcissists and non-psychopaths are accepting this behaviour, because they don't want to force someone to do something, they don't like. Accepting the boundaries of a person.

The fox and the grapes

One afternoon a fox was walking through the forest and spotted a bunch of grapes hanging from over a lofty branch.
"Just the thing to quench my thirst," quoth he.

Taking a few steps back, the fox jumped and just missed the hanging grapes. Again the fox took a few paces back and tried to reach them but still failed.

Finally, giving up, the fox turned up his nose and said, "They're probably sour anyway," and proceeded to walk away.

Haha! That's actually a really interesting insight. I'm going to have to ponder some of the old fables I've read.

Have you read Alice Millers: "The drama of the gifted child"? It is dealing with emotions from childhood and is also an easy to read book.

No, I haven't read that book. After looking it up on Amazon it sounds like something I should purchase and read. Thanks again!

Ryan

 

[Annette1]

The experience I relay here is offered as insight only. Although the experience was quite traumatic, I recognized in early adulthood that those same experiences enhanced my abilities to empathize, added a certain strength to my being and gave me a sort of unique knowledge. As I have studied here I now recognize them as valued lessons.

I have faced the barrel end of a gun twice in my life. I was 10 years old at the time. The person on the other end of the gun was my father. I was fully cognizant at the time that my father was quite capable of pulling the trigger. I watched him raise and aim the gun. In fact, one of the two times the gun actually went off. At the time, I fully recognized that outward calmness was pretty much the only hope of escape from possible death. In order to attain that calmness, one has to recognize and accept the possibility of death. One of my thoughts at the time was that, with death, all this torment would be concluded. That was the bright side (at the time) of the situation. In these situations, one literally has only minutes to reconcile the possibilities. The best I can sum it up for you is that I lost a certain fear of death. I can also say that Laura’s signature quote by Samuel Johnson is very true.

The next time I was faced with possible death and/or maiming was by a sadistic and bullying step-father; I was 15 years old and had 3 younger siblings. Again, the threats were ongoing and evidence clearly suggested he was capable of carrying through on his threats. A few occasions landed him in the court system (of the usa) and I observed that he would rein in his antics to a degree. It was also at this point I learned that child abuse was against the law. Prior to that I had attempted to alert adults and persons I believed held some authority, but it was to no avail. (I was literally beaten in public by this man and actually observed witnesses watch in horror and terror. The witnesses, a man and woman, fled to the safety of their car and I could see the woman pleading with the man to do something. It was actually surreal to watch this drama play out from my position. The man put the car in reverse and drove away. Oddly, I found myself empathizing with them!!)

I was the one who stood up to this man, not due to some great courage on my part, but because I was both weary of and angry with his antics against me and my younger siblings. With the “wisdom” of a 15 year old, I surmised that in order to end this, according to the authorities, I would have to be “marked” by this man. I did not provoke him, (I didn’t have to), but I chose my opportunity. It came with a threat to “knock all my teeth down my throat.” I admit I was afraid, real afraid. I had a visual of myself with a bloodied mouth and broken teeth and jaw, or worse yet, I recognized that I may end up dead with a blow to the head from this man who towered over my 5 foot, 100 pound frame. But, I reasoned that somehow, someway I was going to end this. This man is poised over me with his fist in the air. Inside I was shaking like a leaf contemplating that if I was able to stand after his blow, what kind of shape I was going to be in which wasn’t real encouraging. In those brief moments, I reach deep inside myself and quelled the fear through sheer will. I recognized that fear would only empower this man. I no longer trembled. I folded my arms across my chest, lifted my chin toward him and eyeball to eyeball I calmly said, “Go ahead.” A face off of about 5 (long) seconds ensued and he retreated. I am well aware that this was only one possible outcome and it may have played out much differently, but that’s not the point.

These experiences taught me that through sheer will and inner strength you may not have realized exists within yourself, it is possible to overcome a fear, any fear, in a matter of seconds.

 

[PepperFritz]

Wow, Annette, we seem to have experienced the same kind of childhood.

I understand 100% what you have expressed in your post, because I emerged from my ordeal with the same lack of fear towards death and an ability to quickly quell fear in intensely frightening situations. It is difficult to relay to others how living daily with such a high level of fear and terror at the hands of a psychopath can be a fate "worse than death", and how death thus not only loses its "sting", but comes to be seen as a kind of comforting "friend". There were times in my life when I not only did not fear death, but intensely longed for it. I believe that such a life either destroys a person or gives her the impetus to search for meaning and freedom beyond the 3rd-density arena.

Thank you for your post. It made me cry to know that my own childhood was not unique, and that there is at least one other person out there who walked the same gauntlet, and emerged with the kind of strength and determination needed in these difficult times....

 

[Annette1]

Thank you, PepperFritz! I'm sorry to have made you cry tho' but I understand as I have cried as well when I find others who understand. And I have shared your same thoughts on death many times. But, no, "we" are not alone. There are more who "made it through" and I think we have a unique knowledge now. I read this thread and wanted to share what I've learned. I was attempting to distill it for others who do not have this knowledge. "We" attained this knowledge at a great expense. I was hoping I could put it to good use. I believe "we" may be able to shed some light on the subject.

 

[RedFox]

Annette1 and PepperFritz, I hope it is appropriate to say thank you for posting about your experiences. I have little or no personal frame of reference to being in those kinds of continual life threatening situations, so reading about them from yourselves seems to have conveyed something about them that was missing from my knowledge before (hard to describe, a 'taste' of the situation).....more so it puts many things into perspective, quite sharply actually.
For this I am grateful. Thank you both.

I did shed some tears also but I do not think you need to apologise for this. I've always hated inflicting pain/suffering on others (especially unintentionally), but have been learning recently that I need to change my definition of this because it is somewhat faulty/black and white....in this case it is empathy and not infliction. To understand that others do empathise with you (and as such suffer with you and grow with you through that suffering) has been quite a liberating discovery for me, once I understood the context of suffering and growth.