alwyn
Padawan Learner
Well, thought I'd report in on my current research, as the subjects of sociopaths was what brought me to this site, and I have endeavored to use what I've read here in 'working' with them (knowing there is no working WITH them, there is only containing the damage, so to speak.)
For a quick update, I have encountered a sociopath who married my ex, and is now seeking custody of my child, and otherwise making my life a living hell. (At least as far as I let her...I know all the maxims about controlling my own emotional reactions, but this is my kid here...)
What I've noticed is that a sociopath (unless you are aware of what you are looking at, or listening to) will always 'win' in a one on one confrontation if you get into verbal interplay with them. The one I've dealt with seems to have a natural ability to mesmerize her victims, who all come away thinking they're dealing with the sweetest person in the whole world. Those who are subjected to this mesmerized state will look at someone who is NOT under the sway or 'spell' as the deviant. (This backs up what my old Gurdjieffian teacher said, about the world being 'upside down and backwards'...meaning the switch from subjective to objective reality.) The sociopath only seems to be 'outed' as it were, when she is thwarted in some way, at which point blatant manipulations or rage surface. She has managed to bamboozle most of the men who are associated with this custody case—talk about glib and superficial charm!—from lawyers, advocates and evaluators, all are completely convinced of her sterling qualities...the evaluator even went so far as to say "I don't believe what other people have said about————".
I started thinking about these qualities of interaction in terms of what I know about basic electronics, and the behavior of particals...admitedly from a layperson's perspective. Given that a sociopath has plenty of charm and attraction...if you deal one on one, you are subject to this huge gravitational field which is now polarized...kind of like the matter and antimatter battles of a famed star trek episode...the one where two brothers from opposite polarity universes got stuck in a battle. So, like two poles of a magnet, there you are, stuck together, as long as the polarity occupies your attention. Given that a sociopaths' charm is ever so much bigger than anything mere humans could put out (I know I"m speaking in generalities here, but bear with me) any casual observer looking in from the outside will only see the big bright shiny sociopath...being set upon by the rabid human.
So, if we cannot confront head on, how can we deal with the sociopath? I'm a pacifist, so blowing them away is out of the question (although ever so tempting).
In my case, I networked with the people that she was talking to, in this case my son's teacher, other parents at the school, and neighbors. This is key, you must not become isolated, because the sociopath counts on your isolation to work their dark magic. (Please, magic is a metaphor here.) I found it ever so enlightening when I got off the farm to talk to my neighbors. They had heard terrible tales. I found it stimulating to talk to the teacher, same thing. The problem is to link all these people together, and to get them on the same page, talking to each other. Next, I located the people this sociopath had slipped off the charming mask for, and got them talking to me and to each other.
This brings me to my operating theory. I think it takes at least a triangulation of people, three or (preferably) better, all looking at the work of the sociopath, in order to bring it into the light of day. One on one does NOT work—at least in terms of 'outing' the SP. It will take a group, all communicating to each other and to society at large.
This is a very tricky proposition. I mean, where do we draw the line? It's a thin line between social justice and witch hunts, and we must be careful not to become the thing we fight (take a look at the history of Israel after the second world war for an illustration of this one).
Whatever you do, don't lose your cool. The legal world, and much of the rest of it, tends to judge people on how well they quell their emotions (a case of sociopathic transference to society if ever there was one)...especially since it is ever so hard to keep your emotions in check after being zapped by a SP. (I laughed when I read Laura's article quoting a study about the 'look' of furrowed brow and puzzlement seen on victims of SP's —sorry I don't have the link—it sure described me these past few months.
Anyway, my battle is not over yet, but the tactics described seem to be working, I'll let you know how it goes.
Good luck with yours!
For a quick update, I have encountered a sociopath who married my ex, and is now seeking custody of my child, and otherwise making my life a living hell. (At least as far as I let her...I know all the maxims about controlling my own emotional reactions, but this is my kid here...)
What I've noticed is that a sociopath (unless you are aware of what you are looking at, or listening to) will always 'win' in a one on one confrontation if you get into verbal interplay with them. The one I've dealt with seems to have a natural ability to mesmerize her victims, who all come away thinking they're dealing with the sweetest person in the whole world. Those who are subjected to this mesmerized state will look at someone who is NOT under the sway or 'spell' as the deviant. (This backs up what my old Gurdjieffian teacher said, about the world being 'upside down and backwards'...meaning the switch from subjective to objective reality.) The sociopath only seems to be 'outed' as it were, when she is thwarted in some way, at which point blatant manipulations or rage surface. She has managed to bamboozle most of the men who are associated with this custody case—talk about glib and superficial charm!—from lawyers, advocates and evaluators, all are completely convinced of her sterling qualities...the evaluator even went so far as to say "I don't believe what other people have said about————".
I started thinking about these qualities of interaction in terms of what I know about basic electronics, and the behavior of particals...admitedly from a layperson's perspective. Given that a sociopath has plenty of charm and attraction...if you deal one on one, you are subject to this huge gravitational field which is now polarized...kind of like the matter and antimatter battles of a famed star trek episode...the one where two brothers from opposite polarity universes got stuck in a battle. So, like two poles of a magnet, there you are, stuck together, as long as the polarity occupies your attention. Given that a sociopaths' charm is ever so much bigger than anything mere humans could put out (I know I"m speaking in generalities here, but bear with me) any casual observer looking in from the outside will only see the big bright shiny sociopath...being set upon by the rabid human.
So, if we cannot confront head on, how can we deal with the sociopath? I'm a pacifist, so blowing them away is out of the question (although ever so tempting).
In my case, I networked with the people that she was talking to, in this case my son's teacher, other parents at the school, and neighbors. This is key, you must not become isolated, because the sociopath counts on your isolation to work their dark magic. (Please, magic is a metaphor here.) I found it ever so enlightening when I got off the farm to talk to my neighbors. They had heard terrible tales. I found it stimulating to talk to the teacher, same thing. The problem is to link all these people together, and to get them on the same page, talking to each other. Next, I located the people this sociopath had slipped off the charming mask for, and got them talking to me and to each other. This brings me to my operating theory. I think it takes at least a triangulation of people, three or (preferably) better, all looking at the work of the sociopath, in order to bring it into the light of day. One on one does NOT work—at least in terms of 'outing' the SP. It will take a group, all communicating to each other and to society at large.
This is a very tricky proposition. I mean, where do we draw the line? It's a thin line between social justice and witch hunts, and we must be careful not to become the thing we fight (take a look at the history of Israel after the second world war for an illustration of this one).
Whatever you do, don't lose your cool. The legal world, and much of the rest of it, tends to judge people on how well they quell their emotions (a case of sociopathic transference to society if ever there was one)...especially since it is ever so hard to keep your emotions in check after being zapped by a SP. (I laughed when I read Laura's article quoting a study about the 'look' of furrowed brow and puzzlement seen on victims of SP's —sorry I don't have the link—it sure described me these past few months.
Anyway, my battle is not over yet, but the tactics described seem to be working, I'll let you know how it goes.
Good luck with yours!
