mocachapeau
Dagobah Resident
Hi everyone,
I’ve decided I want to get something off my chest. Sorry about the length.
Those of you who are somewhat familiar with my posts are already aware that I have a tendency to complain about my wife. For those of you who did not know this, well, now you do. I can’t say that I’ve never been aware of this ugly habit but I CAN say that I am now well aware of how utterly annoying it is, not to mention unbecoming, particularly useless, and disrespectful of my wife, who I love very much.
So the first thing I would like to say is that I apologize for subjecting you all to that behaviour, and I can assure you it will not happen again. I’m done with it.
Although I feel rather ashamed of it, I am even more ashamed of the fact that I should know better. It is a program that I inherited from my mom. I have listened to her complain about my dad since before I was born – I’m sure I have memories of it from the womb – and it drives me nuts. Of course, my dad is a total narcissist so I can’t say she has nothing to complain about. But my siblings and I have been saying for years that if it’s that bad she should at least try to do something about it – try to fix things or leave. And if she does neither, she should stop complaining to everyone about him.
With that last idea in mind, a few weeks ago I decided to put an end to the griping and try to do something about it. I figured that the only thing I could really do was to engage in some objective observation and see if I can figure out what is the cause of my wife’s programs. To begin with, I already knew that she, too, was raised by a narcissist, so I figured I ought to be able to identify something.
The first thing I realized was that the complaining program is much more than just annoying and useless. Being in that mode of thinking effectively blocks the process of objective observation. I think that is because, if I’m simply complaining, I am already judging, and if I’m judging then I must be feeling like a victim in some way. That would mean that what concerns me the most is how her programs affect ME. I have completely bypassed the entire idea of helping when I start complaining. Oh, how fun it is to identify yet another narcissistic program in myself.
As soon as I put a stop to that mode of thinking, my brain actually started functioning again and I discovered a few things.
I have described in the past how any efforts on my part to focus more on emotional affection, and less on physical pleasure, during moments of physical intimacy, have often been ignored or pushed aside by my wife. As it happened again recently, I had a thought. She seems very uncomfortable expressing those emotions, so she immerses herself in the physical aspect to avoid the expression of the emotional. It doesn’t just happen when I try to focus more on the emotional, it’s every time. I realized that she has ALWAYS been uncomfortable with intimacy, up until she is thoroughly ensconced in the physical aspect. Only then does she relax and let herself go.
Well that thought brought back a memory of a conversation we had way back near the beginning of our relationship. My wife once told me that one thing about me that amazed her was the ease with which I could talk about absolutely any subject, no matter how personal or emotional it was. She was impressed with that because it was something she didn’t feel comfortable doing. So basically, she may be afraid, or simply unable, to express certain emotions.
That led me to think about a statement about children raised in narcissistic families that I read in one of Laura’s books. To paraphrase: these children grow up to be adults that are sent out into the world without the necessary emotional tools to deal with the reality that’s out there. So far it seemed to be making sense.
So then I thought, how many more of the programs that my wife has running might I be able to trace back to that one concept? Well, quite a few, actually. From what I can see, most of her programs are some form of manipulation geared toward avoiding any form of responsibility. She seems to be afraid of facing a very large part of the daily grind. Disciplining the children, doing a food shop or even just going to the corner store to buy cigarettes, are just some of the things that she avoids. It was now making even more sense.
The other day I was running all this through my head while doing my rounds at work. I had just pushed the button for the elevators and was thinking, “So basically, it would seem that every single program she has running can be linked directly to this point that she is lacking emotional strength, in general. And that’s it!”
The very moment I pronounced the last word of that sentence (in my head), with the kind of timing you would expect in a Hollywood movie, the bells for the two elevators rang in perfect unison (and thus very loudly), along with both sets of lights lighting up, and both empty elevators opening at once. It felt a lot like it does when a slot machine you are playing lands on the jackpot. I’ve worked in that hospital for eight years, my wife for almost twenty, and neither of us ever saw that happen before.
Yeah, I know. It’s just one of those things, it means nothing and I can’t decide that I am right about something based on that silly event. Both elevators were empty on the same floor and my touching the button called them both at the same time. But you should have seen it! I was dumbfounded!
At any rate, I still think I’ve put my finger on the problem based on my observations and reasoning, so the little elevator event just felt like a confirmation – a pretty funny one, actually.
So now I’m faced with the question of what to do. I give her all the support I can when I’m with her, and I share as much of the information I learn from my reading and networking that I can. That alone has helped her to see herself a little better, in the same way it has done for me. But I wonder if there is something more I could be doing, or if this type of thing is a little out of my league.
Does anyone have any thoughts about all this, or suggestions on what else I could be doing to help?
I’ve decided I want to get something off my chest. Sorry about the length.
Those of you who are somewhat familiar with my posts are already aware that I have a tendency to complain about my wife. For those of you who did not know this, well, now you do. I can’t say that I’ve never been aware of this ugly habit but I CAN say that I am now well aware of how utterly annoying it is, not to mention unbecoming, particularly useless, and disrespectful of my wife, who I love very much.
So the first thing I would like to say is that I apologize for subjecting you all to that behaviour, and I can assure you it will not happen again. I’m done with it.
Although I feel rather ashamed of it, I am even more ashamed of the fact that I should know better. It is a program that I inherited from my mom. I have listened to her complain about my dad since before I was born – I’m sure I have memories of it from the womb – and it drives me nuts. Of course, my dad is a total narcissist so I can’t say she has nothing to complain about. But my siblings and I have been saying for years that if it’s that bad she should at least try to do something about it – try to fix things or leave. And if she does neither, she should stop complaining to everyone about him.
With that last idea in mind, a few weeks ago I decided to put an end to the griping and try to do something about it. I figured that the only thing I could really do was to engage in some objective observation and see if I can figure out what is the cause of my wife’s programs. To begin with, I already knew that she, too, was raised by a narcissist, so I figured I ought to be able to identify something.
The first thing I realized was that the complaining program is much more than just annoying and useless. Being in that mode of thinking effectively blocks the process of objective observation. I think that is because, if I’m simply complaining, I am already judging, and if I’m judging then I must be feeling like a victim in some way. That would mean that what concerns me the most is how her programs affect ME. I have completely bypassed the entire idea of helping when I start complaining. Oh, how fun it is to identify yet another narcissistic program in myself.
As soon as I put a stop to that mode of thinking, my brain actually started functioning again and I discovered a few things.
I have described in the past how any efforts on my part to focus more on emotional affection, and less on physical pleasure, during moments of physical intimacy, have often been ignored or pushed aside by my wife. As it happened again recently, I had a thought. She seems very uncomfortable expressing those emotions, so she immerses herself in the physical aspect to avoid the expression of the emotional. It doesn’t just happen when I try to focus more on the emotional, it’s every time. I realized that she has ALWAYS been uncomfortable with intimacy, up until she is thoroughly ensconced in the physical aspect. Only then does she relax and let herself go.
Well that thought brought back a memory of a conversation we had way back near the beginning of our relationship. My wife once told me that one thing about me that amazed her was the ease with which I could talk about absolutely any subject, no matter how personal or emotional it was. She was impressed with that because it was something she didn’t feel comfortable doing. So basically, she may be afraid, or simply unable, to express certain emotions.
That led me to think about a statement about children raised in narcissistic families that I read in one of Laura’s books. To paraphrase: these children grow up to be adults that are sent out into the world without the necessary emotional tools to deal with the reality that’s out there. So far it seemed to be making sense.
So then I thought, how many more of the programs that my wife has running might I be able to trace back to that one concept? Well, quite a few, actually. From what I can see, most of her programs are some form of manipulation geared toward avoiding any form of responsibility. She seems to be afraid of facing a very large part of the daily grind. Disciplining the children, doing a food shop or even just going to the corner store to buy cigarettes, are just some of the things that she avoids. It was now making even more sense.
The other day I was running all this through my head while doing my rounds at work. I had just pushed the button for the elevators and was thinking, “So basically, it would seem that every single program she has running can be linked directly to this point that she is lacking emotional strength, in general. And that’s it!”
The very moment I pronounced the last word of that sentence (in my head), with the kind of timing you would expect in a Hollywood movie, the bells for the two elevators rang in perfect unison (and thus very loudly), along with both sets of lights lighting up, and both empty elevators opening at once. It felt a lot like it does when a slot machine you are playing lands on the jackpot. I’ve worked in that hospital for eight years, my wife for almost twenty, and neither of us ever saw that happen before.
Yeah, I know. It’s just one of those things, it means nothing and I can’t decide that I am right about something based on that silly event. Both elevators were empty on the same floor and my touching the button called them both at the same time. But you should have seen it! I was dumbfounded!
At any rate, I still think I’ve put my finger on the problem based on my observations and reasoning, so the little elevator event just felt like a confirmation – a pretty funny one, actually.
So now I’m faced with the question of what to do. I give her all the support I can when I’m with her, and I share as much of the information I learn from my reading and networking that I can. That alone has helped her to see herself a little better, in the same way it has done for me. But I wonder if there is something more I could be doing, or if this type of thing is a little out of my league.
Does anyone have any thoughts about all this, or suggestions on what else I could be doing to help?
