Finding Balance

[webglider]

I was totally unprepared for the reaction I had to Pepperfritz'a death. I cried for two days almost continually.

I would be walking outside doing errands, and the tears would come. They came when I walked my little dog -especially then because I thought of Pepper's love for her dogs and how she had reached out to advise me about mine. And of course, I thought of the manner in which she met her death.

I cried when I was doing the meditation so much that I couldn't do the breathng exercises. I could just sob as I listened to Laura's voice.

I had to keep my sunglasses on when in stores so that no one would be able to see how swollen my eyes were from crying.

Rationally, I am aware that only part of this grief is about Pepperfriz - that her death has acted as a catalyst that has unleashed a torrent of mourning that must reside in me always, but of which I'm unaware and with which I'm definitely not in touch.

This morning I woke up, and the grief seemed to be gone. I seemed to be "my old self" which means my usual dissassociated, rational self.

And I questioned that because that self is not in touch with other parts inside of me. It's almost as though there is an "either or" personality, and both of them are extreme.

That "rational part" of myself just blocks out everything. And that emotional part totally incapacitates me. There was a time that the emotional body completely ruled my life, and I don't want to return to that mode.

And as I'm writing this, I feel the loss again because Pepperfritz would have probably reached out to help me with this. And because I would probably have been writing from my "rational" side, I probably would have backed away as I often did when she showed compassion or understanding because this side of me becomes terrified when someone gets too close.

I just feel so isolated as though there are two people inside of me, each separated by a thick, concrete wall. I want to bring the wall down, and even though I've read so many of the suggested books, I still don't know how.

 

[FireShadow]

Rationally, I am aware that only part of this grief is about Pepperfriz - that her death has acted as a catalyst that has unleashed a torrent of mourning that must reside in me always, but of which I'm unaware and with which I'm definitely not in touch.

I was listening to "Into the West" as posted in Corto Malteses's thread "Song for Pepperfritz" (http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=13397.0) (thank you by the way for posting that thread) and...

I cried a river of tears and was also aware that it was only partly about Pepperfritz. I was aware of a "universality" of my grief. As if I were crying for myself and for all who suffer here on this BBM. I was aware of also crying for her "release" that perhaps she is going home and how sometimes I yearn for that and how I sometimes wish we all could go home...

Pepperfritz's death has certainly brought up all kinds of feelings.

 

[anart]

Rationally, I am aware that only part of this grief is about Pepperfriz - that her death has acted as a catalyst that has unleashed a torrent of mourning that must reside in me always, but of which I'm unaware and with which I'm definitely not in touch.

This morning I woke up, and the grief seemed to be gone. I seemed to be "my old self" which means my usual dissassociated, rational self.

And I questioned that because that self is not in touch with other parts inside of me. It's almost as though there is an "either or" personality, and both of them are extreme.

That "rational part" of myself just blocks out everything. And that emotional part totally incapacitates me. There was a time that the emotional body completely ruled my life, and I don't want to return to that mode.

And as I'm writing this, I feel the loss again because Pepperfritz would have probably reached out to help me with this. And because I would probably have been writing from my "rational" side, I probably would have backed away as I often did when she showed compassion or understanding because this side of me becomes terrified when someone gets too close.

I just feel so isolated as though there are two people inside of me, each separated by a thick, concrete wall. I want to bring the wall down, and even though I've read so many of the suggested books, I still don't know how.

Hi webglider,

I think the best thing to do is to continue with the breathing program - BUT - only doing the complete program on Thursdays and Mondays as suggested by Laura with the prayer of the soul every night for sleeping. If you're doing the program more often than this, it may be too much and may be bringing up too much, too quickly for you to handle in the optimum way. In short, be gentle with yourself and don't push the frequency of the breathing exercises - they are powerful and should be used, in their entirety, only on Monday's and Thursdays at this point. fwiw.

 

[gaman]

Hey Webglider

Rationally, I am aware that only part of this grief is about Pepperfriz - that her death has acted as a catalyst that has unleashed a torrent of mourning that must reside in me always, but of which I'm unaware and with which I'm definitely not in touch.

This morning I woke up, and the grief seemed to be gone. I seemed to be "my old self" which means my usual dissassociated, rational self.

And I questioned that because that self is not in touch with other parts inside of me. It's almost as though there is an "either or" personality, and both of them are extreme.

That "rational part" of myself just blocks out everything. And that emotional part totally incapacitates me. There was a time that the emotional body completely ruled my life, and I don't want to return to that mode.

I don't know that this will help, but you are not alone in this type of feeling. I've been almost totally emotionally dead and in that dissociated rational self almost exclusively until some shocks earlier this year and the E-E breathing program. Yet, Pepperfritz's death opened up something and I cried on and off for a few hours reading the memorial posts.

For me, and maybe for you or others, it has also been a gift of shock in that for a while I got to a much greater point of clarity. Like yourself, it is "wearing off" and I do not want it to. But, we have been given a gift to know more of what we are searching for and that in itself may help.

 

[T.C.]

This morning I woke up, and the grief seemed to be gone. I seemed to be "my old self" which means my usual dissassociated, rational self.

And I questioned that because that self is not in touch with other parts inside of me. It's almost as though there is an "either or" personality, and both of them are extreme.

That "rational part" of myself just blocks out everything. And that emotional part totally incapacitates me. There was a time that the emotional body completely ruled my life, and I don't want to return to that mode.

[...]

I just feel so isolated as though there are two people inside of me, each separated by a thick, concrete wall. I want to bring the wall down, and even though I've read so many of the suggested books, I still don't know how.

For me, and maybe for you or others, it has also been a gift of shock in that for a while I got to a much greater point of clarity. Like yourself, it is "wearing off" and I do not want it to. But, we have been given a gift to know more of what we are searching for and that in itself may help.

I had the same thing. I cried so much the night I read about Pepperfritz' death; about her, about myself, about the members of this forum. The next day, I woke up my old dissociated self again.

The way I see it is, the sleep is our default state, and if we know that, then we should expect it to come back after a shock. G. recommended inventing new alarm clocks, i.e. always trying to find new shocks. And in my experience, it's not just about reading shocking things that are happening in the world, which does serve that purpose, but shocks can be found all around us, every day.

Thinking about what we are learning and trying to find examples of it in our lives can bring big shocks. It's like getting a shock by looking at something you see everyday, but through 'new eyes'. I think there's ample opportunity for shocks, if we strive to understand what's happening around us and inside us in each moment. Then, even the moment when you realise you've stopped doing this can serve as a shock.

 

[Biomiast]

I also cried for a while, but after I learned how she died, I think she was aware of what she was doing and it was her conscious choice. If someone we love chooses something, what can we do to change it? We can only accept it as a part of their lesson plan.

About going back to a dissociated state, I was doing it occasionally, but then I realized importance of her sacrifice and generally I am thinking about her death, her love, her selflessness, her creativity, her life and circumstances, the quotes that SAO posted etc. and I examine how do I act in my life with respect to those values. Then when I find a situation that isn't in synch with them, I try to bring objective thought to the process and determine what will I do next.

Just my two cents, fwiw.

 

[webglider]

I intuited from the beginning that Pepperfritz was naturally reserved which made it that much more inspiring that she had the courage to wade into the thicket of emotions that is sometimes this forum.

Occasionally,one of the other moderators would correct something she had written, and she would retreat for a while, not too long, and then return to apologize and address the issue that had been raised.

There was something about the humility of this very intelligent, insightful and well meaning woman that that really touched and instructed me. She could have become defensive, and she never did. Her struggle, it became very clear to me, was within herself, and not with the moderators or anyone else on the forum.

And then, it seemed, she began to bloom - that the emotional stiffness I had initally picked up - (and maybe it's just my own emotional stiffness that I saw in her, maybe it has nothing to do with her at all), seemed to melt and be replaced by a vibrancy and joy that I hadn't seen before.

In other words, I feel that I was witness to her process, to a magical transformation which made it possible for her to use both centers: the emotional and the intellectual when she was responding to us.

One of her last responses to me was on the subject of laughter. I had suggested that perhaps, one of the hidden clues given by the C's might have been laughter since there always seems to be so much laughter in the sessions.

This was her response:

Webglider, I was reminded of this post of yours today.

This morning Leslie (my cousin and housemate) and I were sitting in our livingroom, doing what we always do at that time of the day: Me, trying to wake up and prepare for the day; she (who works nights), trying to wind down from a difficult nursing shift, and relax sufficiently to go to sleep. Leslie complained a few times that she was having trouble relaxing because of a headache, as well as arthritic pain in her legs and hands.

Anyways, we got talking about this and that, and something prompted me to start telling her some funny stories. It isn't hard for me to make her laugh (believe it or not, I can be VERY funny), but this time I got her laughing hysterically, rolling around on the couch, gasping for breath. This went on for about 15 minutes, and then I started to get ready to take the dogs out for their morning romp. Just before I left the house, Leslie told me she was going to bed, as she now felt "incredibly relaxed". She also reported that her headache and arthritic pain had completely disappeared, which she attributed to having a good laugh.

Of course, it's a fact that laughing increases endorphins and other "feel good" chemicals (see LINK), but it still amazes me how FAST it works. (Note to self: Watch more funny movies....)

I never responded to that post because emotionally I just couldn't. Often my emotional center just freezes. It's not that I don't feel, it's just that the closeness threatens something in me.

So that's why I want to be in touch with the emotional center as difficult as it is for me. I'll never have the chance to respond to Pepperfritz's post; in fact, I still don't know what I could say except that it meant a lot that she shared that experience. It was a joyful post, and it made me happy reading it.

I have no difficulty dealing with negative experiences or emotions; it's the joyful, thoughtful or kind ones that get me. I really have to work on that.