From my past, a dream and an event

[Psalehesost]

Following is a post that I wrote before and saved but never ended up posting, regarding an unusual dream I had a couple of years ago (at which time I had not reached the final "turning point" of my psyche as described briefly in my introduction, nor found this place, and was still a new-ageish sort):

Following is one of the few dreams I have written down - I was (relatively) briefly dabbling with attempts at lucid dreaming around that time, before and after - and one of those memorable nightmares I've had, and one of the last (I had many in my childhood, steeply declining afterward; none I remember at present). A lot has happened since then, mildly put (and it was long before I found any of this material, with the help of which I have made progress in the ongoing work of sorting out the mess that is my mind and emotion), and I doubt it has much current significance, but perhaps someone will find it interesting.

I came to think of it a while ago, and in light of what I've learned since, found it interesting.  Here's the old writeup, modified a little bit for clarity and correctness:

I remember being in a very large house with many rooms and areas, (filled with familiar characters from real life, taken out of context) doing various things. I also remember a few people mysteriously having died in a part of the house, but that then became irrelevant as the dream's focus changed. Then, I remember - somewhere else - a sort of track you travel through, beginning below a mountain, going upwards over the top of a sharp edge, then through tunnels, where you keep attached to a cart of sorts, in a way that makes it feel as if you could easily fall of if you aren't careful.

I am going with my dad, and have been there before at least once. It stops at the top of the sharp cliff, due to a malfunction, then resumes. Eventually I come to a point where I realize it might be hard to continue further on, and decide that my best bet is for us to get off the machine carrying us, and go along until we find some staff that can take us back down again, at a point that I remember further on.

My dad suddenly collapses, and I carry him on through the tunnel we currently are in...

We have now come to a room somewhere, and I sense that there is an enemy here. A large, black leech, preparing to attack me. I end up cutting it to pieces using a knife that I have on me. Doing so leaves in me a strange, somewhat painful and dark feeling as if my interior had been affected - if the leech symbolized something inside, then perhaps I was "splashed" with its "remains". This is not the first time I have met this enemy (I felt a definite sensation of some vague, threatening thing having followed me in the past); it has happened before, although in a slightly different shape.

I carry on further, and eventually come to the house, to the area where people mysteriously have been killed, where someone tells me about the bodies containing high amounts of some metal, and being killed in a certain room.

He goes into the room in question, and I follow. I stop just outside, and a large monster appears below the ceiling at the door, floating towards me; it has selected me as it's next victim. It is the same as the enemy I have defeated in much weaker forms before, but now it is in a far more powerful form. (dark and brooding background music plays in the dream as it appears)

It extends something (a big tooth sticking out?) towards me, and as I cannot run away, I decide to grab it rather than be stabbed or otherwise hurt, and so, hanging on, I follow it into the room, where the person telling me about the bodies stand, and, I later notice, some unknown, suspect person sitting in a chair at the other end of the room. I realize that I can't win, so (now being aware of it being a dream) I decide to wake up before I get to have a painful experience. As I wake up, I get a feeling that somehow, waking up won't really change anything, in the end.

Also, as I was getting done writing the original version of the above down (with a few misspellings, a few less notes and some awkward word usage, but otherwise the same), I felt an uncomfortable presence in the room, and I had a cold feeling on the left side of my stomach, just thereafter losing feeling for a short while.

One thing that I didn't think to write about, however, was an event that occurred later that same day, as I recently re-discovered when I checked what I had (separately) written about it. This was one of the strangest things I have ever experienced:

As I was leaving for home, I began to experience a transformation of my state of consciousness. At first I became strangely detached, then outright depersonalized. By the time I had begun to make my way home through the cold, snowy weather, I had lost all emotional awareness, as well as the usual warm "presence" that is normally there within but seldom thought of, and only a very small part of "myself" remained, including physical sensation - though the coldness of the weather had no "impact" and was perceived in an indifferent and neutral manner - as well as my raw intellect. I could "think", mechanically and simply, but as I wrote after getting home, "I know what I think, but I don't feel it."

Interestingly enough, my "psychic"/"energetic" "sense" remained, and I perceived a "warmth" in the vicinity of my skin that I knew to be from emotion, though the emotion in itself was not felt.

Following attempts according to my subjective new-age perception at doing "energy" "work" and - I believed - removing some strange, non-physical contraption that I perceived to be in my head, I slept, and I was largely restored when I woke up some hours later.

This event lies somewhere in the vicinity - either before or after - the diminishing of my emotion, as I mentioned in another of my recent posts, where I became practically emotionless for a few days, albeit without any strange reduction of my consciousness as in what I described above. Following this was and is a slow, gradual recovery that goes on to this day - my emotions have still not yet reached their full, former vibrance.

 

[Turgon]

Hmm, very interesting dream indeed. Well I'll try my best to help out. According to a dream website I visit fairly regularly to check out the meanings of some of my dreams (unsure if im allowed to post other websites on here? Moderators?)

Mountains signify: many major obstacles and challenges that you have to overcome. Alternatively, mountains denote a higher realm of consciousness, knowledge, and spiritual truth. To dream that you are climbing a mountain, signifies your determination and ambition. To dream that you fall off a mountain, suggests that you are in a hurry to succeed without thoroughly thinking about your path to success. Or that you are being forced upward toward a direction that you do not want to go or that you are not ready to proceed. Falling off a mountain, could also mean that you have a tendency to give up or escape from demanding situations.

To see a house in your dream, represents your own soul and self. Specific rooms in the house indicate a specific aspect of your psyche

To dream that you are going through a tunnel, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious. You are opening yourself to a brand new awareness. Alternatively, it indicates your limited perspective.

To see or be bitten by leeches in your dream, refers to something in your life that is draining the energy and vigor out of you. The dream may refer to people, habits, or negative emotions that are sucking you out of your vitality.

Already there is a weaving together of what the deeper meaning of this dream could be. For one, the house may represent your Self. In which case if in some of the rooms people died, maybe there is some aspects of your personality or Self that is being repressed or suppressed? This may also tie into how you said that your emotions have "died". Maybe the similarities are connected. Now the mountain may signify your search for these suppressed aspects of yourself and for some reason your carrying a burden with you, in the form of your dad, or in a sense something may be bogging you down. Now, the leech seems to be fairly self explanatory. Something within is attempting to drain your energy, vigor (or emotions?) Which then brings you back to your house (Self) in which case the monster is bigger, badder and meaner and has killed off people in the house.

I hope this helps giving more clarity as to the meaning of the dream. The steps taken to rectify I would suggest start with not taking this as a "negative" event, but a learning one, just not one of the more pleasant lessons.

As I was leaving for home, I began to experience a transformation of my state of consciousness. At first I became strangely detached, then outright depersonalized. By the time I had begun to make my way home through the cold, snowy weather, I had lost all emotional awareness, as well as the usual warm "presence" that is normally there within but seldom thought of, and only a very small part of "myself" remained, including physical sensation - though the coldness of the weather had no "impact" and was perceived in an indifferent and neutral manner - as well as my raw intellect. I could "think", mechanically and simply, but as I wrote after getting home, "I know what I think, but I don't feel it."

I think for this, you might want to check out The Work section of the forum that deals with magnetic centres and the parts dealing with your emotional, motor and intellectual self. Some of the things discussed might relate to your situation.

 

[RedFox]

Looks like a pretty good interpretation to me (especially the leech! I hadn't thought of it so literally).
Would like to add to this though that its ringing quite a few bells with some of the recommended books.
Myth of Sanity by Martha Strout talks about disassociation (emotional/mental deadening/distancing) and the causes/cures.
The symbol of fearing falling off the mountain (i.e. into the casum of death) links both this book and if you include the symbol of something 'that drains your vitality' links to Unholy Hungers by Barbara E. Hort as well.

If you haven't already considered it, reading the recommended psychology books (even the short list) would probably provide a lot of personal insight.

 

[Psalehesost]

A whole lot of things have changed since that dream, several years ago, so it is perhaps not so applicable to my present situation. But it might help me understand a bit more of the psychology of what happened in the past. At the time, I was on a slow, gradual descent into deep emotional subjectivity as well as a ponerized view of humanity (due to my general alienation being combined with ongoing bitter experience and lack of a greater psychological perspective), while at the same time I kept my "higher ideals", continued to mature and somewhat spiritually develop (and at the same time detoriate) - the time between then and now being a time when I was gradually disillusioned with my then rather New Age world view, my thoughts and actions shifting between it and a forming, skeptical materialist one. (the two eventually blended into uncertainty until I found all this; now I find I'm putting all sorts of pieces - many of them new - together into a - finally - coherent and useful model that can be handled critically without having to throw it away)

This two-sided split development and very much increased growth of the Predator's Mind (and - during the following year - emerging neurotic issues, of which still a little bit remain) went on until about the time I found the C's material and thereafter this forum (nowadays it as well as the ponerized perspective seem to have been largely reversed, though many older issues of mine remain). At the time of the "breaking point" afterward, I had a "large shadow" removed from me by a healer I know. (this was felt, as was the cleaning-up I'd been helped with over the past few years - and especially much at the time between my finding the material and the "breaking point", when I experienced lots of psychic attack - and that ominous right-ear-beep I've seen discussed on the forum, which is nowadays much more rare)

Perhaps the "monster" finally going after me was the culmination, resulting in the emotions finally shutting off (before that point, I'm sure there was unconscious repression as well, following extended emotional trauma in and due to earlier school years). As for the "burden" bit, in the dream it only became something I had to carry when he suddenly collapsed; before that, he was simply a co-traveler. Perhaps it could represent part of myself collapsing?

Anyway, thanks DanielS for taking the time to make the interpretation! Perhaps I'll discover something more thinking about it.

As I was leaving for home, I began to experience a transformation of my state of consciousness. At first I became strangely detached, then outright depersonalized. By the time I had begun to make my way home through the cold, snowy weather, I had lost all emotional awareness, as well as the usual warm "presence" that is normally there within but seldom thought of, and only a very small part of "myself" remained, including physical sensation - though the coldness of the weather had no "impact" and was perceived in an indifferent and neutral manner - as well as my raw intellect. I could "think", mechanically and simply, but as I wrote after getting home, "I know what I think, but I don't feel it."

  I think for this, you might want to check out The Work section of the forum that deals with magnetic centres and the parts dealing with your emotional, motor and intellectual self.  Some of the things discussed might relate to your situation.

This thread, which I've read before, has information on inner "splits", which from later events (didn't think of these when writing the post) seems like it might have been quite relevant.

Between one and several months before I found the C's material, I had a strange event: I had had a dream where I had experienced a very uncomfortable sensation at the end, as something in the dream began to direct some sort of energy at me. Later, when I tried to meditate and introspect (I was at that time quite deeply into the neurotic issues, unbeknown to people who knew me, since it wasn't particularly visible on the outside, but made things quite a mess on the inside) when I began to "feel" another "me" inside. Like a "younger", emotional self. At the time, I did not handle it anywhere near constructively; quite the opposite. Predator's Mind realized that it was this other "mind" that had subjected me to the unpleasant sensation during the dream, and "gave back" with manic gloating, making the "other self" sad and hurting for some time.

Later, following the beginning of my "work" on myself (which by the way has progressively reversed most of my ponerization), I became aware of a "barrier" inside my mind - something that closed off part of myself to unconsciousness. With effort, I weakened it and - temporarily at first - "broke through", and my mind suddenly felt "larger". I realized that it had been made "smaller" by this sealing away of a large portion of it for some time, and that "losing concentration" with waning conscious attention and energy while trying to read some things was likely due to "attention" shifting into this unconscious part of myself. Nowadays, there is not much remaining of this split, except that - as I observed some months ago, and now I am no longer perceiving this as clearly - my emotional "I"s seem to be divided into two different "lumps". Various emotional issues of reduced strength - new and old - remain.

Myth of Sanity by Martha Strout talks about disassociation (emotional/mental deadening/distancing) and the causes/cures.
The symbol of fearing falling off the mountain (i.e. into the casum of death) links both this book and if you include the symbol of something 'that drains your vitality' links to Unholy Hungers by Barbara E. Hort as well.

If you haven't already considered it, reading the recommended psychology books (even the short list) would probably provide a lot of personal insight.

Those two, especially the first, is on my mental "to-do" list for further reading. (have more books immediately ahead of me, including finishing Political Ponerology)

 

[Pierre]

unsure if im allowed to post other websites on here? Moderators?

Of course Daniel, you can post links to other websites then forumites can read the original source and even some more articles.

If you link to a well-known disinformation website (or a website you suspect to be disinfo) just add an underscore just before the web address because we don't want to promote such sites.

 

[Turgon]

Thanks for the info Belibaste, the website that I visit is www.dreammoods.com. I find it an interesting website full of interpretations that I use as a guide to help me discover what some of my dreams may mean in relation to what's happening in my waking life.

Also, as I was getting done writing the original version of the above down (with a few misspellings, a few less notes and some awkward word usage, but otherwise the same), I felt an uncomfortable presence in the room, and I had a cold feeling on the left side of my stomach, just thereafter losing feeling for a short while.

I would just like to comment on something I saw in your post. I didnt mention this in my original post because I was focused on interpreting the dream. A few months ago I had a dream where I was driving in the forest and hit a downward hill in my car. During that split-second where I received that initial shock of falling, I saw something out of the corner of my eye attach itself to the left side of my stomach. I later saw a bobcat in my dream which, according to the site, suggests I need to pay close attention to everything I see and hear in my daily life. It was in around this time that I felt an emotional detachment of some kind myself.

Not exactly similar to yours, although there was that sort of disassociation (emotional/mental deadening/distancing) as stated by Redfox. And because I noticed this, there was an increase in fear and anxiety. Also an unusual pressure on my chest, later followed by headaches, lots of headaches.

At first I became strangely detached, then outright depersonalized. By the time I had begun to make my way home through the cold, snowy weather, I had lost all emotional awareness, as well as the usual warm "presence" that is normally there within but seldom thought of,

Could it be mere coincidence that you had a sensation on the left-side of your stomach, followed suit by this emotional "drain"? If it's not a coincidence, have any other people experienced this?