Gloom and Doom of the Awakening

[Z...]

I am no exception to many people who found themself on this forum. All my life I have been looking for answers and I still do. This was never easy and always more or less frustrating, just about when frustration has reached the critical point certain pieces of the puzzle started to fit into their place.
It has been less then a year since I first encountered Cs which led to some other sources and in realtively short time I have find myself deep in the rabbit hole.
The impact of all this on my life has been enormous, and I am still coming to terms whit this new ME and the new world I have found myself in.
Here I would like to use the following passage , thank you Laura for putting it so beautifuly:

I rejected ideas that suggested our "fairy tale" beleifs just might be imposed on us to keep us asleep and unaware because I didnt like them either! As time went by and evidence from other sources mounted, I raged at lessons that drove home these points in my personal life; and I have wept oceans for the loss of my innocence. So, beleive me when I say to those of you who write to me struggling to grasp this, trying to reason and rationalize some way to hang on to the old, false beleif systes - I do undertsand!
But when all is said and done I think I wept even more for all the years wasted in stupidity and blindness. After time, I realized that we are only stupid and blind exactly as long as we need to be stupid and blind, and not one second longer. I am enourmously grateful for all those experiences because they did teach me in a very deep way

In retrospect it seems as if all the paths in my life were actually leading to CS's, this forum and this state of mind I have found myself in lately.

I use to have a shrink like many other people do. It was a great crouch in dealing with matrix and great stepping stone on the road to self discovery. Actually I feel bad using the term shirnk as this nice lady is anything but the shrink in usual meaning of that term, she practices Gestaltt which basically means that she is anything but usual shrink. I never had any theoretical knowledge about Gestalt method of psycho therapy and only after I saw it at work I realized what is it all about. Even today I am not sure if I would be able to precisely explain what this term rally means in sense of psychological therapy. I could throw few dictionary definitons but they would probably be even more confusing. What I experienced during these sessions is that I didnt go to meet my therapist I always went to meet Myself. My real I.

I started this proces at the point of life when I tought that very ground underneeth my feet is slipping away, when nothing made any sense and the least that made sense was me to myself. Few years down the road and I am light years away from that unsincere person I use to be. But I didnt really want to talk about this.

So it happened that my life has changed significantly after starting this therapy and by becoming truthfull to myself I slowly started to live the truth, more and more each new day. Then first Bringers came along which was gentle preparation for rude awakening Cs had to offer but they also opend the door for much more. Much, much more then I ever wished for. And it was there wheter I liked it or not.

Looking back to past 5-6 months , only now I realize that my awakening was accompanied with some sort of big depression, wherever I could look I could see only gloom and doom. Everything that was fake in my life slowly started to crumble. As I sent my sacred cows of 'YCRYR' and 'Universe is a big garden full of love and flowers' to the pasture immense fear was born. Sometimes it was very difficult to switch of the lights and try to fall asleep. And on several ocassion I had few experiences that were terifying ( I described them in the thread Psychic Attacks ) but slowly I managed to regain control by simple recolection that these things have been happening all my life before, the only difference being I was unaware of them then.

Anyhow to cut the story short, recently time has come for my quarterly visit to my shrink, sorry - the geshtalt therapist. When I started the proces I was seeing her once a week but as I dealt with most of the issues over the years I diminished our relationship to simple maintainance and reality check 3-4 times a year.
I havent seen her for a long time and I was adamant I will not speak about everything I have learned courtesy of CS and others who so altruistically shared the knowledge and their experiences.
How can you even begin to try and tell this to someone in one hour.
But as geshatalt therapy usualy begins with the question - How are you? it was obvious that whichever aspect of my life I wanted to talk about, sooner or later I would encounter necesity to speak about what I have learned in the meantime.

As I expected my therapist wasnt really interested in the content of all this knowledege and theories, she was more interested how all of this relates to Me. Where am I in the whole proces. Geshatalt actually works in a way that every situation, every issue , every behaviour litterally any fragment of your personality can be visualised as separated from real you. Then in details you can examine how your real you feels in relation to this issue or whatever it is.


This was very interesting as she asked me to visualise all the knwoledge I collected in last year - CS's and this forum, and Gurdjijef and Castaneda to put all of it into one big pile and remove it to one side of the room.

Then she asked me to merge all my personal experiences in previous life on the other pile and put it all on the opposite side.

In short my resolution was very usefull as it enabled me to see clearly where I stand in relation to all of this we are talking about on this forum.
I managed to find my grounding which I saw as the thread of uninterupted flow of white/golden light running as an axis thorugh my body from up above downwards, earthing me and yet connecting me with the source. This was the first time during this therapy that I was able so clearly to be aware of my essence, and my inner being.
When I took my previous experiences from the pile on the left and merged them with my real I they have become the vulcano of blue light and it was clear that this was my emotional body.
Then very interesting thing happened when she asked me to take the other pile representing CS,s and other knowledges. As soon as I grasped this pile of knowledge with my hands it instantly became Rubik's cube. I ve always hated Rubik's cube and could never arrange even one side properly, but this time I arranged it in a split second and as soon as I arranged it, it started shining the same white/golden light as my essence previously described. Then I spontaniously pushed it into my chest and the cube just merged with the axis of golden light fitting into its place like a key inot the keyhole.

So this was it, this is how I dealt with all this. I feel that this event has marked the end of depression caused by awakening and it was grounding I neeeded desperately all along. And now I think I am ready for the next stage of widening of my horizons and I am very curious about it.


In few months time I will probably be slightly ashamed of this thread when reading it again, but I really do not care I think it is very important that we share everysingle personal experience related to the work as we can all learn much from eachother and also find support when needed

Therefore please dont be shy and try to openly write how do you deal or you dealt with the same thing....

 

[jimj]

That's a beginning.....stick with it

 

[Z...]

Thank you very much but I wasnt asking for this kind of comments, the kind that sounds very unsincere.

What was your experience?

How did you deal with it?

 

[Laura]

I think you are lucky to have had someone to guide you through a process whereby you could actively visualize and participate in an inner process. I'm still amazed that I survived it all since there was really no guide for me other than the C's, and half the time I was unable to articulate anything that was going on. I was only able to write about it literally years later.

I do think, however, that each person that goes through this whatever you call it - transformation, crystallization, fusion - makes it that much more accessible to others; that it can sort of spread in the field of archetypes. I also think that there are a variety of templates or archetypes of the process because there are varieties of people. Yes, much of it is probably the same in energetic terms, in dynamics, but the context can be unique to each individual.

I've often said, and it is still the one thing that keeps me going in the face of some truly nasty opposition, that if anything I suffer makes it easier for someone else, then it was worth every minute of it.

I will add that my life now, my internal state, my relationships, were worth every minute - EVERY minute. The range of emotions not only expands in scope, they intensify and deepen.

Yeah, it was worth it. It IS worth it.

 

[ljvh769]

Thank you for sharing Deckard and I agree with Laura about suffering and our struggle especially if it is shared, as it is in this forum. I would further suggest that empathizing with someone else's "B" experiences indirectly adds to our own "B" influence accumulation. Your gestalt therapy really prepared you for this large "I" experience. The key here is empathy, I could feel your joy as you described completing the cube and I felt happy for you. I am also new to this struggle and I completely identify with the " Psychic Bankruptcy or Dead end of the Soul" as described by Laura. When it happened to me I did not feel lucky and I existed for 2 years in a state of wanting death over life. I have been a new age seeker since 1986 and nothing I read helped me during this time from 2003-05. I felt especially horrible with the idea that I created my reality and I punished myself even more for what happened. I even read the Dark Night of the Soul and felt so depressed afterward I was sure I was in Hell on earth.
I recently, for the last 9 weeks or so, after discovering the incredible world of the C's, SOTT and the forum, have been reading everything I can. I have read the Wave, The Cassiopaen Experiment, High Strangeness, the timeline, all extra stuff about the groups, as many SOTT articles and podcasts as I can and forum threads. I am currently consuming the Secret History of the World (SHOW). I have discovered abbreviations and use the glossary all the time to understand concepts and new terms.
I found reading other peoples "awakening" stories, like Deckard's helped me not feel alone and I continue to seek them out. I am becoming less intimidated to contribute to the forum but still find it difficult. It is the only place I can share my work because there is no turning back now. As many people have expressed that their life will never be the same after the awakening in the context of the reality of this quantum future group, so has my life been thrust into a new beginning.
For the first time I feel that I can see light through the darkness and my emptiness is slowly experiencing a sensation of hope. I feel lucky to have come to the crossroads now and that there is a choice, albeit a scary one with petty tyrants all around that you must confront and emotional vampires who stalk you. The idea of God being "all that is" must include the choice "to be or not to be". Interesting, this gives a much greater depth and meaning to this phrase by Shakespeare. I chose "to be" and somehow I have always known that there is a reality where we can all function at a higher level. The Grail search for me is becoming clearer all the time, as self-remembering takes on an active role in my thirst for knowledge. I realize that awareness and knowledge alone will not work to complete the journey, so I struggle to act on the passion the knowledge has awakened in me. This is where I get stuck. The material world is not exciting any more and what to do is limiting. I can't help those who do not ask and I can't save those who will never ask. I find it painful to watch other people in the world who are good and kind but are on autopilot. The movie I am watching is very depressing.

 

[Amanecer]

Thanks for your post. My awakening was the result of much "doom and gloom". I had been living in that
"fairy tale" land Laura described. I was very depressed and angry from a tangle with a sociopath, and those who wouldn't listen to me (including my family). I was very involved in church, (and actually that is where i met the sociopath) and some of the very people in the church refused to stand up to the sociopath that destroyed my family's life! It was a very political situation, and I came away shocked, depressed, and disillusioned.

I also began seeing a Psychologist, and he introduced me to this site and the C's material. I recognized in my fairy tale, that the real me had been locked away in a tower. My fairy tale was an illusion.....my "I" was desperately trying to get out while I was headed for the dark enchanted forest. The "prince" of truth rescued me. It was during this painful time that all my illusions began to be shattered. Just prior to seeing this Psychologist, I had been praying, and fervently seeking for the "truth" concerning all that had been going on in my life. Through an interesting series of events, I "happened" upon this particular psychologist. When I was asking for truth, I didn't expect what the universe handed me.....I am just so glad that it did! There was a new "peace" and yet there was also the reality that I was stepping into "uncharted" territory, and for me, that was scary.

AS I see changes in my life, I struggle with how to integrate my inner self with the "outer" world. I have never felt so "aware", so alive, and so "free". (Interesting, since this is what i had been seeking to find my whole life through the Christian faith, ) I am still seeking and trying to define exactly what it "is" that i believe. I am thankful for this site, to be able to discuss such things. Other than this site, I often feel alone in this work, and I'm beginning I to think I am supposed to learn how to be content with that. I am addicted to "excitement" I think. I am trying to "see" through my emotional entrapments. That is half the battle, the actual "living" it is the hardest part I think.

Deckard, thank you for being so open with your experience.....it has been an encouragement to me.

 

[Z...]

yea I guess the most difficult thing of all is to do away with our excitements and hormonal buzzes that help to perpetuate sleepwalking and yes it can be a lonely path, but something tells me out of that loneliness final unity is to be born, the one that you ve been longing for everysince you ve chosen human experience

or maybe I am just ranting :(

 

[Mr. Premise]

Wow, your psychologist sent you to the Cassiopaea site and SOTT? That is so cool.

I also began seeing a Psychologist, and he introduced me to this site and the C's material. I recognized in my fairy tale, that the real me had been locked away in a tower. My fairy tale was an illusion.....my "I" was desperately trying to get out while I was headed for the dark enchanted forest. The "prince" of truth rescued me. It was during this painful time that all my illusions began to be shattered. Just prior to seeing this Psychologist, I had been praying, and fervently seeking for the "truth" concerning all that had been going on in my life. Through an interesting series of events, I "happened" upon this particular psychologist. When I was asking for truth, I didn't expect what the universe handed me.....I am just so glad that it did! There was a new "peace" and yet there was also the reality that I was stepping into "uncharted" territory, and for me, that was scary.

 

[Amanecer]

Wow, your psychologist sent you to the Cassiopaea site and SOTT? That is so cool.

Yes, I am still amazed and grateful when I think about it. He has imparted much knowledge and wisdom to me. I guess when you ferventy seek the truth,(as Laura writes about), you WILL find it...reminds me of a quote my psychologist had on his wall....there was a picture of a tree covered in ice, it looked very barren..I can't remember the exact quote, but it was something like...Growth comes out of the most unexpected (lonely, dark, barren) places. Definitely true in my case.

..it can be a lonely path, but something tells me out of that loneliness final unity is to be born, the one that you ve been longing for everysince you ve chosen human experience

I think so too....all that excitement is just a distraction from what we really desire in our innermost being. Deckard, your last post made me wonder, .... once we are comfortable with just "BEing" alone and content with our inner "I", is that the point at which many others are drawn to us?......(not that I am comparing myself at all!!, however Jesus,Buddha,& Mother Teresa , are the examples that came to mind.) I even thought of Laura. I guess the closer we come to having that "unity" of our inner self, we are better able to "get out" of ourselves, thus inching closer to becoming STO 4D candidates ??( as the C's talk about)

 

[Z...]

I wish I had the answers amenacer
but you have to figure it out for yourself, i have to figure it out myself

 

[Z...]

I could feel your joy as you described completing the cube and I felt happy for you..

This is funny cos never in my post I said I felt joyfull when this happened, and thats exactly how I felt at that moment.
You seem to have a great ability for empathy, at least we know for sure you are not an OP :)

 

[JGeropoulas]

it can be a lonely path, but something tells me out of that loneliness final unity is to be born, the one that you ve been longing for ever since you ve chosen human experience

I agree. I believe this is all part of "Duality", which is one of those Seven Illusions the C's identify that resulted from "The Fall" into 3D-STS. Thus, we operate from the preconceived (i.e. pre-programmed) assumption that there's "us/non-God" and "other/God" when in fact, there's ultimately only "us/God."

As Amancer once shared with me, it seemed that a critical comma had been deleted from a familiar biblical admonition ("Be still and know that I am God") in order to foster dualistic disinformation. She astutely proposed that the original thought may've been "Be still and know that, 'I am God' "

As a result of this dualistic illusion (as no doubt, intended by 4D-STS) we're perpetually looking for something or someone "out there" to complete us. We spend our lives running "from ourselves" in a futile search to "find ourselves." One must begrudgingly acknowledge that "Father of Lies" is truly masterful in his craft. Thankfully the Truth does have the power to set one free.

And the Truth is that "the Kingdom of God is within you" to be discovered by anone willing to "keep asking, keep seeking, and keep knocking" until that door is opened.

As Glenda in the Wizard of Oz explained, "Why, Dorothy, you've always had the power to go home. Just click your heels, and think..."