Having a hard time lately

[gaman]

I am having a hard time with will power and self discipline. It seems like it takes just the least amount of problems to knock me off the horse so to speak.

What I'm trying to do is to be a better householder, detox the body, remain introspective/self-remembering, and do the E-E exercises. I'm also trying to not do the escapist mental patterns I developed.

Well, it seems when I fall, I fall hard/deep. It is like any failure of "will power" in one of the areas leads to failures in other areas. I seem to make progress and reach a slightly higher level of awareness and functioning, only to fall back down pretty deep.

Two weeks ago I was the best I can ever remember being. I was acting responsibly, feeling clear headed, maintaining self-remembering very often, and being open to what happens. Then a succession of things happened and pow, I'm back to not sleeping at night and sleeping half or more of the day, I missed 3 of the 4 E-E sessions, fell off the diet mostly just eating a few good meals, and haven't done the sauna.

This makes me very angry at myself and at "circumstances". I lay in bed last night with this anger fueling me, and me taking it out in my imagination where I was a "super soldier" rubbing evil enemies in the face of their defeat. This imaginary world is one area of my escapism that I've had since I was a child.

I just seems I have NO WILLPOWER. I get to feeling a little confident in myself and thinking I have some, and then I become somewhat of a train wreck again (in my estimation) under circumstances that aren't very overtly strong. I also feel guilty because I think my weakness betrays the group when I don't do the E-E meditation on Monday or Thursday consistently.

I don't really know if I'm posting this out of self-pity, need to feed, etc. In one way I think I need to post for feedback and support. Also to let the group know my state and that I have been mostly failing the last couple of weeks.

Mirroring welcome.

 

[Cyre2067]

Hey Gaman, expecting yourself to have willpower at this point is putting the cart before the horse sotospeak. We don't have will power, at least not when we start out, and so pretending to have it and watch it fail us won't do much to help oneself grow. You seem to be blaming yourself for not already being a fully awake, fully developed individual - that's not you, that's your negative introject/predator's mind messing with your head. It wants you to think that you're such a 'failure' you might as well give up so it can rule. Tell it to goto hell. :P

One thing you might want to think about is that first step, that first incident that leads you to 'fall'. Was it a decision to go out and drink for a night instead of staying in a reading? Maybe a friend who just reeks of STS called you up to hang out and you just couldn't refuse the offer... or perhaps you were in a comfortable environment with your family and your guard got let down. These are all experiences I've had, and seeing myself get tangled in them, and then understanding them as that first step in a downward spiral is what led me to be able to avoid them again in the future.

Once we understand that first step, that first little hole in our armor, we can patch it up and thus avoid falling to the same sort of trap again, osit.

Good Luck Man!

 

[Buddy]

Hi gaman. Puck makes a good point. Don't push yourself too hard. Just keep on with the EE program and observe these things happening with nothing more than a determination not to give up, if you can. Just keep looking and watching yourself, especially noting the things that might be triggers for negative emotions and reactions.

Keep a journal if you think it might help to go back over things looking for patterns.

You can do it! :)

 

[knowledge_of_self]

Hi gaman

I just wanted to add to Puck’s great points just by saying that if you have had the will to write this very post, you don’t have “NO WILL.” You know what I mean? I’ve felt the exact same way you’ve felt more than once I assure you, but I didn’t even have the courage or the will to write about it on the forum. My will is becoming stronger with every post I make, and with every interaction. You, yourself see what you do ‘wrong’ or what you want to change within yourself, you just have to try your hardest to listen to yourself and DO it! As puck says stronger will, comes with time and doing the work so don’t get discouraged, you’re human.

Cheers~

 

[RedFox]

Hi gaman
It may supprise you to know I'm going through almost exactly the same things (and we both seem to have very similar programs from what I've read).
I've managed to hold onto the diet (with help from my mum who is on a gluten free diet) and keep up the E-E program Mondays/Thursdays...but I've had days where I started near midnight because I put it off...

What puck has writtern has helped me see things a bit more clearly too.
I did figure a few things out that helped that I posted this morning here in the E-E thread.
I don't know if its of help or not.

I wanted to add a few observations and possible understanding. After a period of relative calm I've had more and more old habitual programs running very strongly, and it has been near impossible to head them off.....or perhaps this is me normally and I'm just seeing it for the first time clearly?? I think the later may be more accurate, because I can look back at whole periods and remember my actions and i's with more clarity/consistency. The difference between photos of events and an almost continual film of events.

I felt quite emotional (upset, angry, frustrated, dispairing, with hints of self pity/pity me...generally low and 'trapped' - no room to maneuver) this morning thinking back on yesterday and the programs running to the point where I was going to post about all my programs today in the swamp and ask for feedback on everything.
Even getting stuck in 'imagining'/thinking out the post and what I'd say was frustrating because it was again (at least partly) one of my programs kicking in.....I go off into imagining doing instead of actually DOing.
Still I tried to stay present and let it flow and I got to thinking about it as objectively as I could (I tried to make some space because I was so fixated on it I couldn't see clearly at all), and remembered something I figured out.....I was terrified to face my feelings/let them go. Why should I be terrified to let them go?? all of these programs where running from (bottled/trapped?) emotional energy....so freedom from them was to let go the fuel source, and should not be scary but liberating!!
I remembered then that this terror at facing my emotions may not be my own, infact it was probably the 'predators minds' terror at the idea of loosing its food source! More specifically I realised that at some point early in my life I probably did feel terror at my or others emotions, and having never processed that all the 'predator' has to do is prod the terror and watch the defensive programs run.....the avoidance of that terror.

It appears that Every program I have is the avoidance of true emotional feeling, avoidance of the terror felt that bottles the emotions from correct expression/experience. Not only does my mind usurp the trapped emotional energy to run these programs, but I also think that the emotional energy actually seeks expression (rather than just being trapped) and one of the outlets is the programs.....the emotional centre perhaps projects emotional energy onto other centres in order to express itself. osit

So this is why my programs have been running and I've thought I've been going backwards recently. I think also the headaches/brain fog (not physical, more mental/emotional fog, but fog none the less) is related. Infact on starting this post my mind and memory went blank as to what happened and what I wanted to say, I think it was Trapped in The Mirror that talked about the negative introject and a women who was selling houses having her mind go blank so she couldn't find the way to the house.
I've never had my mind go so totally blank like that.....more importantly I've never managed to fight through it (its still there....but I'm holding a space open to let through these thoughts). I will not let this beat me.

Seems its lifting slowly :)
Hopefully my understanding is getting more accurate (please correct me if its faulty) and hopefully I've expressed it well enough that others who are having trouble in the same areas can see a way through. I understand what you mean Buddy when you say about using your emotional centre along with your intellectual one in posting now.....
I am learning that I need to be more gentle on myself, and observe with gentleness (with emotion). When I start observing myself and becoming frustrated or angry or depressed it starts to divert from feeling emotions....from seeing the self clearly....when I do get a glimpse with the emotions involved....the emotions I may feel (even if they are anger or depression) are not in my thoughts....and they 'taste' different/have a different 'flavour' for want of a better word.

 

[anothermagyar]

I feel for you, gaman!

I have the same problem with will power regarding the detox diet:
I try to get away from food that I know hurts me, but 2 weeks ago, around labor day I ate bread and cookies...
I felt worse, and returned to the diet because ever since I stopped eating gluten, my lifetime diarrhea was gone!

Sometimes it is hard to resist bread. I should say: No, thanks.
I skipped one or two EE program, too.
But I returned to the regular schedule and I feel much better even though I have problems - more or less - like everybody.

[quote author=gaman]I just seems I have NO WILLPOWER. I get to feeling a little confident in myself and thinking I have some, and then I become somewhat of a train wreck again (in my estimation) under circumstances that aren't very overtly strong. I also feel guilty because I think my weakness betrays the group when I don't do the E-E meditation on Monday or Thursday consistently.[/quote]
The predator's mind works ALL THE TIME!
It's driving me crazy!
I think Henry expressed this the best way:

[quote author=Galahad]It sounds to me like you are facing, perhaps for the first time in your life, the struggle between the predator and something real inside of yourself. We have all been programmed to believe that we are worthless. But it is difficult to live with that, so we have other parts of ourself that take the opposite approach and build ourselves up way beyond the truth. Both voices are false. We are neither worthless nor 'speshul'. Those are the voices of our predator's mind, of the negative introject. You're not alone in going through this. I know I am!
[/quote]

Coraggio! Keep it up!

 

[henry]

Hey, there, Gaman,

Just remember: It isn't how many times we fall, it is how many times we get back up that counts.

None of us are supermen or superwomen. Gurdjieff talks about the need to focus on small things at the start. Trying to do more than we are capable of doing is just another of the predator's ways of getting us to quit.

Just keep pushing as best you can. It may take longer than you want, but you'll get a break through.

And then, of course, the whole darn process starts again!

:)

 

[Justin]

One thing you might want to think about is that first step, that first incident that leads you to 'fall'. Was it a decision to go out and drink for a night instead of staying in a reading? Maybe a friend who just reeks of STS called you up to hang out and you just couldn't refuse the offer... or perhaps you were in a comfortable environment with your family and your guard got let down. These are all experiences I've had, and seeing myself get tangled in them, and then understanding them as that first step in a downward spiral is what led me to be able to avoid them again in the future.

Once we understand that first step, that first little hole in our armor, we can patch it up and thus avoid falling to the same sort of trap again, osit.

Hi Gaman,

I think there is some good advice given in this thread. Hang in there and have patience :) I've been through the same sorts of things that you describe, and they continue. There are lots of forces pulling me in one direction or another, and discerning which ones of these to give attention to is not always easy. Some of them are distractions similar to the ones Puck describes above. If you fall, that's ok...just try to learn something from it and keep going.

:)

 

[gaman]

Thank you all for your kind words. I'm not going to give up, but sometimes this despondency over my failures is so strong I don't think I can stand much more. Everything you have said is very helpful and accurate so thank you so much for making the effort to understand and reply.

 

[Buddy]

Thank you all for your kind words. I'm not going to give up, but sometimes this despondency over my failures is so strong I don't think I can stand much more.

gaman, If you can conceptualize the idea of the predator's mind, false personality and your own essence, then maybe it will help to consider that you haven't failed at all.

YOU=Essence= that part of you wanting and trying to DO the Work. The problem for many of us, especially in early stages, is that the "many I's" that we have were simply not built for THIS kind of Work, so naturally there will be some resistance.

Keep faith with the Work! Laura and others have been there and have promised that there is light at the end of the tunnel. :)

 

[Laura]

It's like the mind wandering when you begin to learn to meditate... you don't get upset about it, you just realize that it wandered which means that the exercise is needed! - and pull it back. The efforts are cumulative and, one day, you discover that you can be consistent!

Ark was recently reading some funny book about procrastination or something and the suggestion made by the author was to make a holy vow to yourself that if you do not _____________ (whatever is your aim), that you will give money to someone you don't like!

Well, I don't know about that, I remember my girls' ballet teacher had a jar in the studio where the girls were required to put a quarter every time they said "I can't".

I think that the theory there is that if the consequences of NOT doing something are unpleasant enough, it conditions you to do it pretty quickly.

On the other side, there is positive motivation - having a really good reason TO do something. Well, obviously, your perception of that good reason may change, so you can just "trick" yourself and say: "oh, I'll just do it for five minutes to satisfy my conscience." And then you start. Then once you are started, you say "well, I'm doing it, so I can do it for five more minutes..." after that, generally, your state changes and you can complete the task.

I always used to give myself permission to NOT do something if I really felt I couldn't do it that day and just having that permission made it different.

Just a few thoughts about different angles of seeing.

 

[gaman]

Thanks Buddy and Laura, both of those perspectives are very helpful as well. I've bookmarked this thread so I can come back to it easily for reinforcement. I'll try some of the various tricks to see if they can help me hold the track.