Having a son...

[Cyre2067]

So I'm gay, and have very little desire to sire children. That said, I had this dream this morning:

I'm walking down long, labyrinthine corridors. I'm looking for something intensely, and have a strong sense that it's important I find it. Finally, I arrive in a room and see a wet-nurse carrying a child out and wonder, aloud "Is he mine?" She shows me the child and I don't recognize him.

I turn around and on the floor there's another wet nurse cradling a small boy with brilliant brown eyes. He looks the way I did as a small child. I lift him up and look him in the eyes and he smiles back that self-same grin I've worn a hundred times. "My son!" I shout, pulling him close to my chest, tears of pride and elation welling in my eyes.

Suddenly I get the sense that someone is trying to take him from me, and I awake with a visceral recoil from that thought.

Truth be told, I've seen a lot of kids with their fathers on the bus, on the sidewalk, in the parks and I'm tinged with jealousy. I have friends who have children and I envy them. Most of these thoughts and feelings have popped up over the last few weeks as summer finally emerges, and I'm betting a large part of it is biochemical, but still the dream really brought those feelings to a head. I have the desire to reproduce biologically wrapped in a big red "No" in my mind, for a multitude of logical reasons consistent with my over-arching belief about the world and what's coming, but still, it's there, so I thought to mention it here.

 

[Zadius Sky]

Interesting dream, Puck. I can understand that desire to "reproduce" as it's pretty much a natural biological drive.

Also, I'm thinking psychologically that it could be a child aspect of yourself that you were seeing and that aspect could be in danger of being taken away.

fwiw.

 

[adam7117]

Hi Puck! :)

So your biological clock is ticking, hey? Don't worry, it passes lol - though I can certainly relate. Sounds to me like you have quite a lot of desire to sire children, indeed. And you might even make a great dad! The question is - can you handle changing dirty nappies?? Like several times a day... :P

While reading your description of the dream I wondered whether this is a subconscious fear of losing your connection to the inner child. Not sure why or whether it makes sense.

Anywhoo, hope you are well.

 

[kujo]

Hi Puck - thank you for sharing.

Is the tinge of jealousy you described when seeing fathers with their children related only to the "big red no" in your mind in regards to the future, or is it possible the feelings of jealousy stem from previous experiences - perhaps related to you and your connection with your father / parent / guardian?

Perhaps the dream is asking you to address some childhood grievances you may or may not have?

Also, like what Zadius Sky mentioned - perhaps a child aspect of yourself, such as your innocence / purity could be in danger.

Crying out of joy for finding a part of yourself if a powerful image.

fwiw

 

[Cyre2067]

I think part of it is biological drive, but the flavor of the dream was a bit more reminiscent of how I message myself things that I should be paying attention to.

I never wanted children, never thought it was a good idea, still don't. Though I have an emotional or physical pull towards it. It's hard to describe. It's like I feel like I want a kid, but mentally, when I think about it, I really, really don't.

I'm also kind of a 'big kid' in many ways. I think that's part of my Work, growing up. A man does what he needs to do, not what he wants to do, and infrequently I find myself consciously directly my behavior. I do have a relationship with my father, but he's even more of a child now then he was while I was growing up. He also lacked any sort of emotional support or even presence. It's like he was 'there' while I was growing up but he never really took part in raising me. I had thought that I was jealous of them having kids, but perhaps I'm more jealous of the relationship that they apparently have. I don't know for sure.

I posted the dream on my facebook wall and got some interesting conjecture there from friends:

Babies in dreams mean the birth of a new idea or project. What are you giving birth to? Or what do you want/need to give birth to?

I'm working on a sci-fi fantasy novel, or trilogy likely. It's 'my baby' at the moment, so I can see this applying.

This dream is very clear. You in the laberinth is you in your current "trapped situation. You are looking for something: yourself, lost in this laberinthine world. The first baby you don't recognize because that's who you have become. The second baby is the you you lost. Of course you feel someone wants to take it from you. The truth is, no one can. But be aware of the first baby, as it points clearly to a way of being that is not you and which you have somehow become. Btw, the nurses represent spirit guides, mentors, teachers. They just do what they do. Don't fault them.

This one resonated as well. Looking for myself, acquiring self-knowledge, shaking off who I've become and growing into who I want to be are daily themes in my life.

On another note, on my commute into work, I noticed a dead baby bird that had fallen out of a tree. That wreaked of message as well, though again, I'm not certain what it means exactly. Perhaps I'm running out of time and slacking too much on my books. That sounds reasonable.

 

[PerihelionX]

Maybe I'm overlooking something but the impulse toward fatherhood and to practice paternal care and mentorship is not completely bad or out of place. Although you're convicted that re-production is not wise this does not mean that fatherhood is not wise. There are many children who need adoptive parents. There are many more children or young people who need mentorship and guidance. If you have the desire, passion, and knowledge to connect with people on this level then don't hold it in. Remember, Noah built the Ark because it was fun! It also turned out to be useful.

You can be a dad without re-producing. Consider that.

 

[l apprenti de forgeron]

I think they are very good feedback in the post, including your own, Puck. How interesting is to go deciphering what transmit to youself your subconscious...
Thanks to your post also made me see a prejudice of mine and entirely false, which i not had present, "gays do not want to be parents" (which is more than evident that it is not so). But the interesting thing is that this prejudice covered a weakness of mine, I always felt envious of gay couples because they not have the obligation to have children.
To explain the concept better, I always envied the love between a gay couple, which could live a real love without worrying about producing offspring (and together combat social discrimination they were victims). Enjoy 100% of the couple they form. They will be his own goal, without need to projected in a son. And being a true partners, at the same level, unlike heterosexual marriages contaminated with sexism.
Well, it may be somewhat idealized this thoughts. But I see my prejudices (with fear) and behind envy. I even had the idea of become "the gay of heterosexuals", and is quite entertaining :) (a mean, a heterosexual couple, with mutual respect and admiration, real love and without thinking in the children, for the reasons we already know).

 

[Horseofadifferentcolor]

Maybe I'm overlooking something but the impulse toward fatherhood and to practice paternal care and mentorship is not completely bad or out of place. Although you're convicted that re-production is not wise this does not mean that fatherhood is not wise. There are many children who need adoptive parents. There are many more children or young people who need mentorship and guidance. If you have the desire, passion, and knowledge to connect with people on this level then don't hold it in. Remember, Noah built the Ark because it was fun! It also turned out to be useful.

You can be a dad without re-producing. Consider that.

I thought almost the same thing right away, not have even read the full post . I sometimes too have the desire
for children. Most often, it is after a dream of a child that is mine that I can not find or do not remember having. So many children who are already here need help. I often wonder or feel that this is something I should do. Then I brush it off as sillyness. Mabey you feel this subconsciously ?

 

[l apprenti de forgeron]

Thinking what I said before it could be for the great admiration I feel for Michel Foucault. I was pleasantly surprised that Laura quoted in his new book (I'm on that part) What a fascinating book!