Help! I just a few questions , I am emotionally depleted.

[Need2BFree]

First, I want to say this is not intended to infer in any manner that all Military personnel are psychopaths. I have met many that are outstanding individuals.

However, my husband (who I am trying to sever ties with as I am very certain is a Psychopath) is an Officer in the Military- US Army. In the years that we have been married I have met many wives who share stories of horror much similar to mine. In addition, I have met many men and women in the service and have noticed very similar traits over a time of knowing them. ( this relates to my question later)


I am new here on this site and absolutely defeated and mentally depleted. I once was a passionate woman, motivated and loved to enjoy everything life had to offer. 6 yrs later, here I sit, numb, cold, filled with hopelessness and despair for any form of normalicy to return for me and my children.

My husband uses Christianity as a guise for his manipulation.
He uses verses or comments that as a Christian, God doesn't believe in divorce. Not to get off on a side conversation on religion, but REALLY????????????? Blah blah blah.....I am quite certain he doesn't believe in all the porn, emotional abuse and infidelity administered by him that I have had to endure for years. I literally have questioned if I was losing my sanity as I was not eating, sleeping, barely could do simple daily tasks at some points. Just rolling out of bed some days, was a large defeat.

I met him through a church function and was so elated to have met a guy that shared the same faith, good head on his shoulders, could relate to recovery and addiction. I was impressed by his ability to hold intelligent conversations and he actually was different... he had a job and was an officer in the military! It didn't take but maybe (at its best) 3 months before I got this gut feeling there was something very deeply rooted in him that I wasn't/nor going to be privy to if he had his way.

He seemed like a great guy! After all, he has a degree in Theology/Religion out of all things! I was lured in.... almost like he found it as an autobahn to meet and establish foothold into woman's lives in the most vulnerable aspect of her being. Even to this day, when things get so bad, I try and leave and get a divorce, he twists and turns to implant that seed of guilt about the children or holds my disease (alcoholic in recovery) over my head implying that the courts would view me as unfit in comparison to a "Stellar officer" of 14 yrs service in the U.S. Military. (on a side note, he is now being discharged due to an event on last deployment, that I guess that I am not of a need to know basis......meaning mine or my children safety was deemed to not be at risk. *SMH* Crazy... However, I heard plenty of information from dependable sources, it was grounds of "fraternizing" with lower ranking under his command. I suppose its a moot point at this rate. He has well surpassed that level of shocking behavior.

I cannot sleep well at night, as I feel uneasy, as if darkness and evil is lurking in the house. The nightmares are horrifying! I have been sick for most our marriage with ailments and depression/anxiety attacks.
Which I now attend trauma/PTSD counseling for several things that occurred throughout our marriage. I truly believe he has something evil attached to him...or is Satan himself.

I have read on several posts about the eyes of a Psychopath and the lack of any soul existing. I never could put my finger on it, but there was this frequent uncomfortable sensation from the start, that he was not present or engaged in our relationship or even with his body. Physically perhaps, but in his head....he was mentally adrift.

He never displayed much emotion in any form. Some situations, left me scratching my head dumbfounded, as most people would at least be hurt or upset about such events. Sure, sometimes, he became a stagebound thespian and gave a short show of being upset, by getting irritable or pretending it bothered him.....but always quickly recouped as if nothing happened. He claims he has never experienced depression, which floors me. I guess I just thought sometime throughout our lives, we all do to some extent experience it mild or severe... maybe distorted thinking on my part, perhaps.

He doesn't laugh much at all and if he does, its at a rather disturbing earthshaking decibel and appears to require extreme effort on his part. I quickly began to feel concerned that he either found someone else or he found me boring. (Later found evidence that he was non stop pursuing women via internet, adult dating sites and chat rooms) May I never find out anymore of his deviant sex life, I might just put a camp up in the shower and never come out.

To this very day, I have never seen him cry and I suspect I never will. (even through deaths, births, loss of rights of a child, etc). I contributed this to his military career and being trained to adapt by mentally disengaging as a defense mechanism. BUT, I stumbled across information on the net and the more I read, the more I am fully engaged in reading more and more! The charteristics of someone cursed with this personality disorder fits him to a T at which I can't ignore.

I can relate to a large portion of others experiences and observations. Now, it has crossed my mind once or twice in the past that he has sociopath behaviors, but brushed it off telling myself I should know better and wouldn't stay with someone like that because I have an educational degree in Psychology and have worked with criminals in the past. *barf*.

He was smooth and convincing and with his implications and sometimes blantant accusations...I began to let myself believe I WAS crazy and had serious trust issues.(pretty sure I do now) He would convince me to debate within myself if I WAS paranoid and he made it quite clear that I was way out of line for even bringing things up about him lying or cheating, when he was innocent. He was so offended!!!

He is very defensive and would immediately red herring the discussion by redirecting it on me and "my problems". Now his behavior appears to be moving on to the "Gaslighting" techniques of aiming for the outcome of me thinking I seriously am a lost cause.

I am curious if anyone has read articles or has information on sexual addiction to porn, sites, parlors etc in regards to the personality disorder and due to the lack of empathy for others and hurting them, how related it can be with predatory behavior. I have since heard some pretty disturbing professional input as to which stage he may be in his sex addiction, so I refuse to leave him home or alone with the children. This always strikes up a dispute and him angry. Due to off the wall comments that I have heard in the past from others and from the mouths, I ended up taking my daughter to the ER for a non routine checkup. She has exhibited odd and suggestive behavior that I would not expect to see coming from a 3-4 yr old.
Of course I was "completely delusional and over reacting." Much to my relief (at the time), he did pass a lie detector test and computers are still being processed through by Military Criminal Investigation Dept. However, as we all probably know most psychopaths will pass with flying colors. I feel the legal system failed me as they refused to keep the investigation going in the civilian avenue when she refused to talk about him, isn't that more of a reason to further it? A child talks and talks but shuts down when they mention daddy?
I was also told that if I divorced him that I would have no control over the kids and what may happend during his visitations and the accusations still in progress with military CID would not be considered at this point in his rights.
I feel like the battered wife syndrome poster child. I can't help but think... well what if I am over reacting and he is innocent and it is me that is delusional...... Looping over and over, with short periods of lucidity of the reality of this situation.

Sorry i made so long , I am just so needing to vent and confused........I am trying desperately to inform myself beyond the ability to have any denial.

I am curious as to if anyone can tell me if they have read research or other threads on the link between psychopaths and predatory behavior of deviant sex addictions. He definitely did not display this side in our marriage life. TMI, sorry..... but he actually never acted as if he wanted to, it was very clinical..... which I always found odd as he was a sex addict, right?


I am also very interested about the whole concept of whether Psychopaths are drawn to the military as a career or if they initial conditioning and/or PTSD emulates behavioral and emotional deficiencies that are also present in psychopath diagnosis criteria.

Has anyone ever saw any reading or studies on any of this ?

Also just for kickers.... I really am open to hear opinions on his behavior and yes I can take a raw kick to the head for awake up. I want candid honesty. Preferrably done in a constructive manner but I appreciate honesty in a raw form of any kind at this point. My life has been built on one big lie and continues to grow on them.

u think I am dealing with one? I didn't even say the most of what he does. Like Downloading spyware onto my phones, old computer, putting cameras in house, GPS under my car, stealing my teenage sons condoms from out of the garbage can to head out for a business trip (no they weren't used). the list goes on and on. I dont know where to go, what to do! I am still in that mental disassociation stage they break you down to, where I can barely make 1 and 1 =2.


INPUT, SUGGESTIONS, EXPERIENCES, HOPES PLEASE!

 

[Lilou]

Welcome to the forum, Need2BFree. Your situation is never easy, but as a starting point, you may want to have a look at Sandra Brown's website, www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com . If you are looking to escape from a pathological relationship, it is best to have a well thought out plan and arm yourself with knowledge. It is also wise to keep your own counsel, in other words, do not let "him" have any idea what you are thinking, planning or doing.

Your story is very similar to other women's stories. It is typically the same pattern. While no one can really tell with 100% certainty that someone is psychopathic, pathology is recognizable. And it doesn't matter if it's alittle or alot pathological, these types always leave a wake of broken people behind them.

Good luck and sending you strength.

 

[LQB]

Welcome Need2BFree and I agree with what Lilou said. The expressed desire to learn more about this is a very healthy impulse (including extricating yourself/family from that influence). Many here have similar experience of varying degree. There are many good threads here on the forum which can help - I'm sure you've found a few of them. Arming yourself with knowledge will allow you to see the steps you need to take.

On some of the more clinical aspects/pathology of antisocials/psychopaths (including sexual) there is Hervey Cleckley's "Mask of Sanity".

Behind this mask of sanity of the essential psychopath is self-interest in the extreme and often a perverse pleasure in the destruction and manipulation of healthy humans. They are adept at maintaining the mask and are masters at inducing guilt (and pity if necessary) in their victims. Reasoning with them should not be considered an option.

Only you can decide what it is that you are actually dealing with and then take steps based in as much knowledge as you can muster.

You didn't mention - but is there any friend/family member that recognizes any of this in him? - Someone local or otherwise connected that can help you? This can be a big help.

 

[Laura]

You might want to read Anna Salter's book on sexual predators. Just google her. Then, if you think anything is applicable, you may want to contact her via the internet for a referral to a local psychologist.

 

[mcb]

Need2BFree,

Your story makes me shudder, because I grew up an only child in a narcissistic military family (he was an Air Force officer), and I can only imagine now what my mother went through.

There are many resources here that might help you to understand your situation, but you may need to look to your own physical and mental well being first, before exploring the larger picture. You will find many resources for that too (I will let others here suggest the best ones). My mother did not have such resources, and did not fare well. The fact that you are asking these questions is a very good sign. Counseling can be very helpful too, although the counsellors usually don't know about the kinds of dietary interventions that we use here.

Based on your comments, and as part of taking care of yourself, you need to be fully aware of "gaslighting" and how it affects you. (Some of these links require a FaceBook account. If that is a problem, maybe someone here knows where the material can be found elsewhere.)

I don't want to overwhelm you with links and I don't have terribly good answers to any of your specific questions, but George Simon's book Character Disturbance may answer some. Again, I suggest that you look to your own health and well being first, but you could take a quick look through his blog at http://www.manipulative-people.com to get an idea. There is a keyword index that may help. This note may also be useful as an introduction.

Various authors have commented about what would attract disordered personalities to the military. I always thought that my father found the structured life attractive, but then recently I discovered that he may actually have been a CIA asset, in which case the military might represent more of a "medium" in which they can operate freely. I don't think he was a psychopath, because he appeared to have a conscience and seemed to be very badly affected by his WWII experiences as a fighter pilot -- for the rest of his life -- but he was a narcissist for sure. Whether it was "wired in" or learned, I could not say. He came from an abusive family. Again, Simon's work may (or may not) help to clarify that issue.

Do take care of yourself! You have to start where you are now, and sometimes that is a very bad place, but it doesn't have to stay that way.

 

[Nawd]

I'm sorry for what you are going through, as I went through something similar, except thank goodness, the lies became really apparent. Eventually he (my children's father) was arrested and....that's a whole other story.

Knowing the lies is the first step, but I would suggest not engaging in arguments or anything of the sort until you have a plan of action to get you and your kids out of the situation.

There are woman shelters, friends perhaps who can help out. Then take a legal action perhaps, just to get him the heck away from you and the kids.

My brother (who is also in prison) expressed his desire to kill me and the kids so that the meager farm my dad owned (before he died) would be all his own. I was told by the police to get a restraining order, however I know my brother well enough to know that it would have made things much worse, and he could at any time come in and off all of my family.

Thankfully these people are all in prison, and will remain for awhile. My personal plan is to get me and the kids away from them, forever.

Thus my point being, if you are scared and feel it needed for your own (and children's) mental, emotional, and physical health, make a plan and follow through. However I agree that this 'husband' should not know anything in which you are thinking. It is called wits, and intelligence. Just know what you are doing, quietly, and then carry it out (escape perhaps?). Be it in the middle of the night or what not.

I changed the locks in my house when 'Jay' was away, (even after I kicked him out and he stole most of my valuable things). It ended up not mattering, he is gone and we are safe now.

If anything you will become stronger than you ever thought you could be. If things are the way you are discribing, then there is only one clear answer. Get out before he hurts you or your kids further.

Just in my opinion and experience of course.

(and yes, 'Jay' was in the military as well.)

 

[Laura]

My husband uses Christianity as a guise for his manipulation.
He uses verses or comments that as a Christian, God doesn't believe in divorce. Not to get off on a side conversation on religion, but REALLY????????????? Blah blah blah.....I am quite certain he doesn't believe in all the porn, emotional abuse and infidelity administered by him that I have had to endure for years. I literally have questioned if I was losing my sanity as I was not eating, sleeping, barely could do simple daily tasks at some points. Just rolling out of bed some days, was a large defeat.

Additional thoughts. The above suggests that you are coming from a mainstream Christian orientation. From my experience and perspective, that predisposes you to tolerate pathology in men because that's how "good Christian women" are raised.

So, from that perspective, perhaps you need to read M.Scott Peck's 'People of the Lie'. It is about the fact that some people apparently suffer from an inability to: grow, change, or develop insight about their behavior. Thus, everything is somebody else's fault and only God or Jesus can "fix" things. Personality disorders are PERMANENT. They usually develop due to biological deficits. The soul aspect is what feels different in personality disordered people. Jesus told the Pharisees that they were "children of your father, the devil" which clearly suggests that some people are "children of a different god". Their worldview is skewed--how they see themselves, others, and the world. In that mix is the concept of humanity and how they see it feels very 'soul-less' and self absorbed which is why women always describe personality disorders as feeling souless or 'different.' By nature of what is wrong with them, they SHOULD feel different!

The bottom line is: prayer is not going to change his personality structure. He will TELL you it will, but it will not. Pray for him, if you want to, from a safe place.