How to deal with a bad person if you have to live with her?

[MusicMan]

Dakota, here is a thread about acting as a 'gray rock':

https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,35665.0.html

basically you don't 'feed the beast' and they lose interest and hopefully go elsewhere to feed.

Best wishes.

 

[bianca etezete]

Dear Dakota (and all the others),

thank you for sharing your story. I fear I am in a similar situation. My partner might be a narcissist as well, too many descriptions fit more or less perfectly. The drama creating, all the time grumpiness, wanting something from me every 15 minutes, tantrums, threats, pressure and everything - although when i verbalize this, that I do not understand all this behavior, that I don't wanna take it anymore, that i feel hurt when he talks to me like this, he simply denies it all. No, he didn't create a drama, and: what grumpiness? He very fast concludes that I am the hypersensitive here, that I am the one who is creating all this because I always "overfeel" everything. Aha.

Fact is, I simply cant afford leaving. First of all it is my flat. second it is very cheap in comparison (for the same money you normally get a flat half the size, without garden in which i invested a lot of time and work and money as well), but even with this small rent I don't have the money to pay it all by myself.

I am looking for a new job now. I need more money. But I am 46 and you know, it's already hard to find a job at 35, but with 46 for me it seems like almost impossible (I am speaking of WELL payed jobs, not the same I am doing right now for money)

I did learn a lot in the past 9 years and I activated an old technique which I called as a child "keeping silent like a monument". I presume it is more or less similar to the gray rock. My problem with it: What can I do when someone is pressing on me to answer a question or say something and the rage of the other is fed by my boring, sparse words? I tried leaving the house, which is only a postponing of everything.

I will read more about gray rock, thank you musicman for mentioning this.

greetz

 

[Anamarija]

Dear etezete ;),

I'm so happy that my post induce you to post your problem.
If this could help you I must say that before couple of days I was really into this problem with my "enemy" (I will call him in that way because that is the best word that describe him in this moment), I felt like I'm living in abyss, no escape. All around me is a nature that I really like, but I cannot enjoy it because I was so deep in my head with my programs and condemnation of this guy.

This forum, comments and amazing stuff that I'm reading this days in Wave made me think so differently about my problem. ;)
Also, for as I can see here people don't judge other, they try to understand the problem, relations and think about them like lessons not just bad situation that we think that we are in too.
I was so into reading, searching and understanding the new stuff that I'm reading that I felt like I wasn't anymore in this abyss that I fought that I'm. My focus made me feel different. Also, that induce me to go more in the nature and relaxing more.

Another thing, before I tried to influence in my future with my acts regard to my enemy. I fought If I'm acting now in some way that I could effect my future. Silly me. I forget how little power I have. I cannot change him, I cannot change my future (in the way I fought), he has his lessons, I have my, but if I'm doing everything that I have learned from C's, Laura, my best friend Juba and other on this forum that will be, if, enough.

I'm trying to not interfere much with him, but not avoid him because I'm losing energy on trying to avoid. I'm polite but when he try to attacks me I return him back. It is very hard to live with this kind of person, presume that you really know this feeling, but that is opportunity to learn about that.

Also, I have read this great sentence in Wave, maybe helps you like it help me:

session 22 October 1994.:
"A: Obviously if one feels that this would put a shadow or stain on him in some way, or the knowledge that he imparted, then you have not been paying attention. Did you not hear what was said about obsession as opposed to knowledge? Those who are truly, within themselves, at all points of development, trying to seek greater knowledge, will not be blocked by any ideas relating to illegitimacy as you refer to it. Those who are obsessed, by choice, rather than trying to seek true knowledge, will indeed be blocked at that point. It is all up to the choice of the individual. If you choose to develop and gain knowledge then you are never blocked or obsessed at any point about anything ever. However if you choose to limit your knowledge or become obsessed then you are constantly finding yourself blocked and this will manifest in all your life experiences. That is part of the individual soul development pattern. It is all based on choice. Therefore it is not possible for you to interfere with another's choice to acquire knowledge or not and how it is or is not done. There is no need to try to alter another's perceptions because that would be to interfere with free will. If one chooses to be obsessed rather than to be illumined, that is their choice! "

I have tendency to be obsess with a lot of things. This forum become my obssession too, but this is probably best obsess ever ;).

And this:
"It simply means that there was a cataclysmic event that did envelop the whole planet at that time and that those that were ready to experience that as part of their soul development without exiting the body, were warned ahead of time. But not by trying to manipulate events, but by simply allowing faith to let them acquire knowledge and being naturally drawn into position to experience what they needed to experience to survive the event. "

So, my conclusion is if you follow your nature and just try to do you best, studying hard and learning everything will be as should be.

 

[casper]

We are stuck with him because a finance.

We?You're not alone? You and the kids?

I forget how little power I have. I cannot change him, I cannot change my future (in the way I fought)

You have the power to change things to those that offend, and they hurt you.
You do not change him, you change the "little" things that reflect on your future relationship. :)

 

[lainey]

We are stuck with him because a finance.

We?You're not alone? You and the kids?

I forget how little power I have. I cannot change him, I cannot change my future (in the way I fought)

You have the power to change things to those that offend, and they hurt you.
You do not change him, you change the "little" things that reflect on your future relationship. :)

My interpretation was that it is a flatmate in a shared house with other people. If that is the case and you really can't move out then I would have a lock fitted to your door and limit contact as much as possible while doing all you can to raise the money to find a better environment to live in. Staying with someone that has the ability to push your buttons will only ever be an energy drain and you will never "win" as it is unlikely that they will ever change.
It's good that you have realised trying to change others is futile. In the meantime perhaps you could take note on how exactly this person rubs you up the wrong way? Writing a list could help you uncover programmes in you or you may be able to link it back to previous unhealed wounds from childhood. You can use this opportunity for self study and accessing things you may not even realise are there. Are any of their behaviours reflections of your behaviours past or present?
Good luck Dakota and remember stay safe!

 

[Anamarija]

In the meantime perhaps you could take note on how exactly this person rubs you up the wrong way? Writing a list could help you uncover programmes in you or you may be able to link it back to previous unhealed wounds from childhood. You can use this opportunity for self study and accessing things you may not even realize are there. Are any of their behaviours reflections of your behaviours past or present?
Good luck Dakota and remember stay safe!

Wow, this about list is amazing, I did not think of it ;). Now I have just realized that he is doing a lot of stuff that my father do and hole my family. Not the stealing part but others things.
Thank you so much,lainey, for this idea, so much work to do. Love it!

 

[lainey]

In the meantime perhaps you could take note on how exactly this person rubs you up the wrong way? Writing a list could help you uncover programmes in you or you may be able to link it back to previous unhealed wounds from childhood. You can use this opportunity for self study and accessing things you may not even realize are there. Are any of their behaviours reflections of your behaviours past or present?
Good luck Dakota and remember stay safe!

Wow, this about list is amazing, I did not think of it ;). Now I have just realized that he is doing a lot of stuff that my father do and hole my family. Not the stealing part but others things.
Thank you so much,lainey, for this idea, so much work to do. Love it!

That's great! Good for you :)
I know you probably have tonnes of material to read already but I would like to suggest some books from the recommended reading list:

Narcissism "Big Five"
The Myth of Sanity: Divided Consciousness and the Promise of Awareness2.1 - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self2.2 - Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers: Encountering the Psychic Vampire in Ourselves & Others - Barbara E. Hort
Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age2.3 - George K. Simon

I've read the first 4, in that order and it helped me immensely with understanding and coming to terms with the behaviours of my parents, especially my mother. I realise now that when I see her "qualities" in other people, those are the things that are really able to push my buttons and it's difficult not to become angry at them because of the repressed anger that I could never express to my mother.
Hope this helps

 

[Anamarija]

Sorry for my slow answer, I'm starting new job and there is lot of things to do.

Next week I will work every day 13hours, so I have postpone my reading till October. But parents of my bosses are really vampires so my work on learning about the world and this reality continues ;). They almost "eat" me all, today .

Problem with my "enemy" now is on holding. I'm trying to be good to him and his reaction always is to much kindness. I don't know, maybe he doesn't know how to be spontaneous and when his tries to be good it is always so fake, but I know for this characteristic of him and it's ok. I will not see him at all for this 4 months, so maybe that is good for me or him, I don't know, we will see.

So, your list goes on my list for reading and I'm very thankfull for the recommendation.

;D

 

[lainey]

Congratulations on your new job! I hope everything goes ok. Remember if you need to talk about your bosses behaviour or anything else the network is here! Good luck and keep in touch :)

 

[Anamarija]

Congratulations on your new job! I hope everything goes ok. Remember if you need to talk about your bosses behaviour or anything else the network is here! Good luck and keep in touch :)

I know, and that makes feel calm ;).