Humans and letting go...

[Menna]

I feel that it is very hard for humans in general to "let go" of things that have happened, people, places and events. I feel that it is very important to properly let go and I believe there is a correct way - a process of letting go. It is very helpful that some of "The Work" terms and ideas can be "defined" in the cognitive science thread. My question is - is there a scientific answer as to why it is "hard" to let go or kind of manual on how to properly let go? I feel that this is a BIG energy drain on the human psyche and keeps us stagnant, hinders our growth and letting go in the wrong way can also have negative effects. Why is it such a "difficult" thing to do?

 

[TOTEM36]

This article is one of the best answers to that question in my opinion. In summary, it explains how emotional bonding is tied in with ones thinking. http://drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html

 

[mada85]

I feel that this is a BIG energy drain on the human psyche and keeps us stagnant, hinders our growth and letting go in the wrong way can also have negative effects. Why is it such a "difficult" thing to do?

I think that 'letting go' is difficult, if not impossible in certain cases, until one has thoroughly digested and learned the lessons from the experience. This may take years! Some things, like the death of a loved one (to use a fairly extreme example), are never, in a sense, 'let go' of; they remain with you and one continues to learn from them over a long period of time. With an open and inquiring mind one comes to see new aspects in these experiences. Other things - events and experiences - do not remain in the psyche in the same way. Why is this? I think it is because the emotional charge of the event has a great influence on the ease of letting go. Which suggests that the greater the emotional charge of an experience, the more potential this event has for our learning.

'Letting go' in the wrong way would mean that one pushes the emotionally charged event out of one's consciousness, whenever the recollection or reliving arises, and one does not contemplate it with the intention of learning its inherent lessons. This is the 'downward path' in my opinion, while contemplating and learning the lessons is the 'upward path'. As it is said: the way up is the way down.

Without contemplation of the lessons such experiences have for us, the emotional charge sinks deeper into the body and mind from where it can influence us in negative ways without our being aware of this influence.

 

[Tigersoap]

'Letting go' in the wrong way would mean that one pushes the emotionally charged event out of one's consciousness, whenever the recollection or reliving arises, and one does not contemplate it with the intention of learning its inherent lessons. This is the 'downward path' in my opinion, while contemplating and learning the lessons is the 'upward path'. As it is said: the way up is the way down.
Without contemplation of the lessons such experiences have for us, the emotional charge sinks deeper into the body and mind from where it can influence us in negative ways without our being aware of this influence.

I would agree with this.
I think that's why it's important to read as much as the cognitive books listed to really try to grasp how our mind works.

I don't know if there is a definite process to follow to 'let go' because it might be very specific to the person but bringing consciousness (recapitulating, writing excercise, networking...for exemple) to the events that affected your past is certainly a step in the right direction osit.

 

[Keit]

I would agree with this.
I think that's why it's important to read as much as the cognitive books listed to really try to grasp how our mind works.

Agree. Because in many cases it's hard to let go also due to various physiological processes, such as addiction, stress, cravings, brain chemistry disbalance, etc. And it affects cognitive processes as well, and leads to running the same loops, being "locked" in a state, "not being able to see the wood for the trees" so to say, cognitive dissonance and then selection and substitution, lying to self, etc. The list is long.

One reason for that is, that our brain always tries to optimize and sort out all the incoming information into patterns it can use later. And sometimes it can be a disservice if you try to change something or look at something in a new light, and it activates the same old pattern over and over again. :) That's why it's called "retraining the brain", making new pathways,etc. And that can be a reason why we often have to mull over an issue, go back and forth with it for a while, gradually changing the way we approach or deal with it.

 

[Eva]

I think fear is usually the root of denial, and not being able to let go might be a form of denial in itself.
Although I completely agree with Endymion, that one cannot expect to let go of everything as for example a loved one's death, there are other things which the mind clearly realizes are of absolutely no value to cling on yet the emotional self denies to let go.

Last summer I was going through an experience that had me in pieces. It was something I found myself simply unable to "let go off". I was "in hell" - I read Dante's Inferno and decided to accept this journey and make it worthwhile instead of my usual making light of it and pretending everything was fine. I had an insight that parts of me were living in this "hell" throughout my life and since I was there now I could find the strength to get out and take them with me.
Then I found Winnicott's "Fear of Breakdown", I bought it because the title corresponded to what I was feeling at the time.
Here's some highlights (I could only find a few bits online and the rest I translated myself from Greek)

I can now state my main contention, and it turns out to be very simple. I contend that clinical fear of breakdown is the fear of a breakdown that has already been experienced. It is a fear of the original agony which caused the defence organization which the patient displays as an illness syndrome.

There are moments, according to my experience, when a patient needs to be told that the breakdown, a fear of which destroys his or her life, has already been. It is a fact that is carried round hidden away in the unconscious. The unconscious here is not exactly the repressed unconscious of psychoneurosis, nor is it the unconscious of Freud's formulation of the part o the psyche that is very close to neurophysiological functioning. Nor is it the unconscious of Jung's which I would call: all those things that go on in underground caves, or (in other words) the world's mythology, in which there is collusion between the individual and the maternal inner psychic realities. In this special context the unconscious means that the ego integration is not able to encompass something. The ego is too immature to gather all the phenomena into the area of personal omnipotence. It must be asked here: why does the patient go on being worried by this that belongs to the past? The answer must be that the original experience of primitive agony cannot get into the past tense unless the ego can first gather it into its own present time experience and into omnipotent control now (assuming the auxiliary ego-supporting function of the mother (analyst)).

In other words, the patient must go on looking for the past detail which is not yet experienced. This search takes the form of a looking for this detail in the future.

Unless the therapist can work successfully on the basis that this detail is already a fact, the patient must go on fearing to find what is being compulsively looked for in the future.

We presume that analyst and client indeed desire the analysis' end, but alas, there is no end, if sadness doesn't reach its limit, if the thing he is afraid of does not become an experience. And truly, an outlet for the patient is to collapse (physically or emotionally) and that can work very well. But the solution isn't good enough if it doesn't include analytical understanding and insight on the patient's part.

The purpose of this article is to draw attention to the possibility that breakdown has already happened at around the beginning of the person's life. The patient needs to "remember" it, but it's not possible to remember something that hasn't happened yet, and this thing of the past hasn't happened yet because the patient wasn't there for it. The only way for the patient to "remember" in this case, is to experience this thing of the past in the present, in transferrance. Then this thing of the past and future becomes the material of here and now, it becomes the patient's experience for the first time. This equals remembrance and this result equals the revocation of suppression which occurs in the psychoneurotic patient's analysis.

After reading it, I realized that life offers plenty of transference opportunities. Every item I cannot "let go of" might be such an example, it might be a call to look inwards and find the strength to relive a root experience which happened at a time when I REALLY couldn't cope with it. These "new" incidents are like steam valves, if I focus on the emotions WITHOUT trying to let go and WITHOUT allowing my mind to analyze them, they lead me to another experience hidden deeper in the past which is actually more intense. It's like following a chain of knots until one gets to the beginning allowing the emotions to be accepted and integrated.

IF that is true then not being able to let go of a present event might be an alarm from the subconscious that the emotions triggered here are the tip of an iceberg waiting to be acknowledged and fully experienced -- not necessarily analyzed and relived in detail as Winnicott puts it.

 

[Kisito]

I think fear is usually the root of denial, and not being able to let go might be a form of denial in itself.

Every item I cannot "let go of" might be such an example, it might be a call to look inwards and find the strength to relive a root experience which happened at a time when I REALLY couldn't cope with it. These "new" incidents are like steam valves, if I focus on the emotions WITHOUT trying to let go and WITHOUT allowing my mind to analyze them, they lead me to another experience hidden deeper in the past which is actually more intense. It's like following a chain of knots until one gets to the beginning allowing the emotions to be accepted and integrated.

IF that is true then not being able to let go of a present event might be an alarm from the subconscious that the emotions triggered here are the tip of an iceberg waiting to be acknowledged and fully experienced -- not necessarily analyzed and relived in detail as Winnicott puts it.

I agree that we have to control our feelings. I think the best way to control its feelings, it is to possess the least possible. And as said it Eva, the fear is at the origin of these. Maybe because of the occipital part of the brain (add by the STS 250 000 years ago). To free us of feelings, we cannot cut this part of the brain, but we can evacuate the feelings by the fantasy. It would be necessary to dare to go at the end of our fantasies, but often the programs of the society or the common sense prevent us from it. If we do not know our desires, if we do not know our sins which there is in us, How we can to know us and how " let go "?We see the twig in the eye of the neighbor, but not the beam in our eye. The evacuation of the fantasies can be destabilizing and dangerous when they are going out, because we risk to become identified with them. As a mother who becomes identified with her child, believer that her offspring it is her. We seem infected by virus and by programs emotional which would prevent us from " letting go ".

 

[Menna]

I think that 'letting go' is difficult, if not impossible in certain cases, until one has thoroughly digested and learned the lessons from the experience.

while contemplating and learning the lessons is the 'upward path'

Yes, this is exactly what I am getting at with another piece to what I am trying to say and that piece is...How does one know when they have learned the lessons and and are at the top of the upward path? This is what I believe is very hard to do to know when it is more benificial to let go then it is to hold on because you can no longer learn from the lesson. I have let go of "things" recently (There is a liberating emotion that comes with letting go) and have realized that I could have/should have let go few months/years ago and that I was holding on for longer then I should or needed to my upward path peaked and was leveling out starting to go down. This brings me to my point once at the top of the upward path it is time to let go but knowing how to and when to is very difficult.

'Letting go' in the wrong way would mean that one pushes the emotionally charged event out of one's consciousness, whenever the recollection or reliving arises, and one does not contemplate it with the intention of learning its inherent lessons.

Yes, this is what would happen if one buffers or emotionally or mentally can't hold the event in their consciousness in their being. They then can't learn from the past and will probably repeat it or the event will force them to arbatrarily change what they do how they act. A situation/lesson that could serve as a B influence will turn into an A influence if it is not handled properly worked through properly.

 

[mada85]

How does one know when they have learned the lessons and and are at the top of the upward path?

How do you know that there is a 'top' to the upward path?

This is what I believe is very hard to do to know when it is more benificial to let go then it is to hold on because you can no longer learn from the lesson.

I think that letting go occurs as part of the natural process of learning the lessons.

I have let go of "things" recently (There is a liberating emotion that comes with letting go) and have realized that I could have/should have let go few months/years ago and that I was holding on for longer then I should or needed to my upward path peaked and was leveling out starting to go down.

I'm wondering if what you are thinking of as your 'upward path' as more like a kind of euphoria? A kind of over-enthusiasm? And what you are thinking of as your 'upward path peaked and was leveling out starting to go down' was actually a decline in this enthusiasm. I may be completely wrong here, just putting it forward for consideration.

This brings me to my point once at the top of the upward path it is time to let go but knowing how to and when to is very difficult.

As I mentioned before, I think that letting go occurs naturally when the lessons are learned and digested.

Could you describe what it is that you wish to let go of?

 

[Menna]

How do you know that there is a 'top' to the upward path?

I don't think there is a top to a universal/worldly upward path the possibilities are too vast for anyones 3D mind to think of. But I do believe that an individual lesson has a "top"

I think that letting go occurs as part of the natural process of learning the lessons.

Good point. That may very well be it once one lets go then lesson is learned in its entirety and until then the being was holding on because there was more to gain. But what I am afraid of is that I may hold onto lessons longer then necessary and that I have learned all that I need to intellectually but some part of me still holds on that part is something essoteric and I don't know why that part holds on I don't objectively know what that part of me is and I would like to know it.

I'm wondering if what you are thinking of as your 'upward path' as more like a kind of euphoria? A kind of over-enthusiasm? And what you are thinking of as your 'upward path peaked and was leveling out starting to go down' was actually a decline in this enthusiasm. I may be completely wrong here, just putting it forward for consideration.

My upward path would be learning from a mistake and knowing how to not make that mistake and correct it now I can do it right. For me this would be the top of the individual lessons upward path. However I then have a tendency to beat myself up emotionally about making the mistake and then regret enters into my psyche especially when the mistake is made when interacting with another person. This part of me I believe is not optimal in my opinion and may be the lower part of one of my centers and would be when the path starting to go down.

Could you describe what it is that you wish to let go of?

Something you did to someone/s years ago and you still have regret about it but then seeing that this person has moved on and you are still holding on. That I make a bigger deal of my past mistakes then necessary. That I can learn my lesson without being so hard on myself but at times I don't know how to do that.

 

[lilyalic]

I was interested by this topic so did a little research...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/millennial-media/201301/living-loving-and-letting-go-in-2013

"My second regret then naturally follows the first. Too often this last year, I didn’t let go. There is that old song by the Byrds that goes “to everything there is a season.” Therefore I spent too much time wondering if I could go back in time and do things differently if things would have played out in another way. It’s the illustrious and endless, “what if” game that we play with ourselves.

But letting go is about more than the past. It’s letting go of fears, unrealistic expectations, doubts about ourselves and our worthiness in the world. It’s about freeing ourselves from the shackles of our minds. It is exceptionally hard work. In fact, I highly doubt this is an area I will gain any form of mastery over in the next few years or even decade. It is my greatest hope that I will, but in the meantime I’ve set this as my intention.

A close cousin to letting go is acceptance. Accepting things, people, situations for what they are and not forcing them to change allows for an analogous freedom. Throughout my training I’ve worked with a variety of people with an even bigger variety of personalities. Perfectionists, catastrophizers, and everything in between. I too, was a hardcore perfectionist once. In some ways I may still be. Seeing the anguish brought forth by needing things to be done a certain way I gave it up. It was simply taking too much out of me. Yet, often I work with individuals intensely preoccupied with crossing every “t” and dotting every “i.” Try as I might to explain these are needless worries to others, I cannot make them believe anything. All I can do is accept that we are at different places rather than try to change them."

IMO, we can not let go of something unless it is unresolved, however, that unresolved 'emotion' so to speak is usually within our own thought loops, your view on the present alters the past.

 

[RflctnOfU]

Hi Menna.

I think the issue of people being incapable of "letting go", as you put it, has everything to do with identification. When one is identified with anything, which is the general rule IMO, associations rule the day. It is just not possible while in that hypnotic-like state (identification) to "escape from the magic circle" (think of the story of the Yezidis), as the magic circle IS the state of identification, in which the "I" of the moment is nothing more than the totality of associations occurring, set into "motion" by chance external triggers/shocks.

In order to be free from "holding on tightly", one needs an I-without-quotation-marks. This can only come through struggling against one's nature, which can only happen with a wish to do so, which depends upon an understanding of the necessity of doing so. Sorry I can't point you to scientific studies, other than G's, dealing with this.

Kris

 

[Jasmine]

I was interested by this topic so did a little research...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/millennial-media/201301/living-loving-and-letting-go-in-2013

"My second regret then naturally follows the first. Too often this last year, I didn’t let go. There is that old song by the Byrds that goes “to everything there is a season.” Therefore I spent too much time wondering if I could go back in time and do things differently if things would have played out in another way. It’s the illustrious and endless, “what if” game that we play with ourselves.

But letting go is about more than the past. It’s letting go of fears, unrealistic expectations, doubts about ourselves and our worthiness in the world. It’s about freeing ourselves from the shackles of our minds. It is exceptionally hard work. In fact, I highly doubt this is an area I will gain any form of mastery over in the next few years or even decade. It is my greatest hope that I will, but in the meantime I’ve set this as my intention.

A close cousin to letting go is acceptance. Accepting things, people, situations for what they are and not forcing them to change allows for an analogous freedom. Throughout my training I’ve worked with a variety of people with an even bigger variety of personalities. Perfectionists, catastrophizers, and everything in between. I too, was a hardcore perfectionist once. In some ways I may still be. Seeing the anguish brought forth by needing things to be done a certain way I gave it up. It was simply taking too much out of me. Yet, often I work with individuals intensely preoccupied with crossing every “t” and dotting every “i.” Try as I might to explain these are needless worries to others, I cannot make them believe anything. All I can do is accept that we are at different places rather than try to change them."

IMO, we can not let go of something unless it is unresolved, however, that unresolved 'emotion' so to speak is usually within our own thought loops, your view on the present alters the past.

lilyalic I wonder if we're thinking along the same lines, but I would word it differently. Our view of the Past alters our Present. Thus humble acknowledgment of our past hurts, mistakes, offenses to others, forgiving people, places and things, especially ourself, frees our present mind of those things, and is the essence of "letting go". It takes a little practice, but once you get the hang of it, it becomes quite easy to simply let things go. You must humbly acknowledge those past experiences and let the lesson be learned. It may take several attempts to completely release something, but just keep at it. The way I determine for myself if something was truly "let go of", is by observing how much emotional charge still exists with that issue. If a few weeks later I think about that issue and I'm still very emotionally charged to that issue, then I keep repeating the above. my 2 cents...

And I agree with you about acceptance being a close cousin, so true. That's a huge part of the acknowledgment process for letting go. OSIT :)

 

[Menna]

A close cousin to letting go is acceptance

I agree that acceptance is an importaint part of it but I believe its important to know what to accept and what one has to work on (transform). If you just accept everything how can you change, be better, be objective?

I think the issue of people being incapable of "letting go", as you put it, has everything to do with identification

I believe that identification is something that can keep one stagnent. Being identified with a situation or actions saying to yourself "I am what I did" yes I believe this is a pit fall. I also believe that recognition and identification are close but also seperate. I recognize my past actions or what I did thus I think about it, regret it but work to improve myself. What I am talking about is when the situation is over I know I have improved there is nothing that can be done but a part of me is still shamed because It still did happen and I had my part in it identification or not.

Our view of the Past alters our Present

I believe our awareness/knowledge of life and ourselves in the present can also change our view of the past. I believe with more objective experience comes a more objective view of the past a view that wasn't there before.

If a few weeks later I think about that issue and I'm still very emotionally charged to that issue, then I keep repeating the above

I agree that viewing your emotions when thinking about an event is a good way to tell if you have moved past it or not if the event still has any controll over you. Maybe if your emotions are affected when thinking of something in the past then maybe the lesson isn't over.

 

[Maya]

Hi Menna.

I think the issue of people being incapable of "letting go", as you put it, has everything to do with identification. When one is identified with anything, which is the general rule IMO, associations rule the day. It is just not possible while in that hypnotic-like state (identification) to "escape from the magic circle" (think of the story of the Yezidis), as the magic circle IS the state of identification, in which the "I" of the moment is nothing more than the totality of associations occurring, set into "motion" by chance external triggers/shocks.

In order to be free from "holding on tightly", one needs an I-without-quotation-marks. This can only come through struggling against one's nature, which can only happen with a wish to do so, which depends upon an understanding of the necessity of doing so. Sorry I can't point you to scientific studies, other than G's, dealing with this.

Kris

You could not said it any better ! Thank you