Hello all ! I've had a terrible dream where I was hurting my lovely cat !
A mouse passed right in front of her and she did nothing. I got angry and I lift her off the ground by the loose skin on the back of the neck and I put her back roughly breaking her tail. She screamed a terrifying scream that sent shiver down my body. I can see the blood spilling from her tail. I feel very low and stupid saying: what have I done ? What have I done ? I cry and don't know what to do.
To put into perspective, the cat is one of my most precious thing in life. She's 14 years old, the sweetest thing on earth, never bit or armed anyone. She lost a leg to an accident and she's now running on three legs. She follows me everywhere I go, talks to me, a real good companion.
Now here are the things I see:
I get angry because of what one (the cat) is 'supposed' to do. I hurt her and myself in the process. I f I had been cleaning the house (body/environnement ?) better maybe no mouse would even get in. My perspective on what is supposed to be done is a key point here I think. Its suggests to me that I'm out to have another look at things. Putting less pressure on myself and others while still doing what has to be done.
It could also be that I'm angry at me and hurting myself in the process, punishing myself for not doing the things I'm 'supposed' to do. Acheiving my goals has been a little blury recently. Like I know what I want but constantly have to remember me why. Low joy in the process. The thing I'm 'supposed' to do is just a cover up for 'higher' motives. Nothing is what it seems. In the sense that what you think you are accomplishing actually leads to something else ( from another perspective) .
I woke up walking on eggs not to disturb the cats (I have 2) , and since that dream I'm being more thoughtfull of my movements around the house to avoid stressing the cats and myself as well.
I noticed a bad habit that I've had for a long time. I would imagine my cat dying and what it would do to me. Like using my imagination to make me feel sad. I think I have been doing this for a while. And I also read recently that looking for such feelings could meen that I don't have much feelings at all, that I'm looking to experience something, like I'm blocking them or not experiencing them enough. This could be due to being a child of a narcissist. Where I was to be and feel a certain way.
I know for sure that I have a lot of work to do on self-importance, negative introject and empathy. At one point maybe 5 years ago, I auto-diagnosed myself being a Schizoid. Depression and lack of empathy were the reasons being my reasoning. After I cut all the sugar depression stopped drastically. I still have work to do on the diet there is still something wrong though.
I started to have feelings of compassion, until just a few years ago it was just a word in my vocabulary. Or maybe it was gone for a while and I never noticed it was there at a young age.
A mouse passed right in front of her and she did nothing. I got angry and I lift her off the ground by the loose skin on the back of the neck and I put her back roughly breaking her tail. She screamed a terrifying scream that sent shiver down my body. I can see the blood spilling from her tail. I feel very low and stupid saying: what have I done ? What have I done ? I cry and don't know what to do.
To put into perspective, the cat is one of my most precious thing in life. She's 14 years old, the sweetest thing on earth, never bit or armed anyone. She lost a leg to an accident and she's now running on three legs. She follows me everywhere I go, talks to me, a real good companion.
Now here are the things I see:
I get angry because of what one (the cat) is 'supposed' to do. I hurt her and myself in the process. I f I had been cleaning the house (body/environnement ?) better maybe no mouse would even get in. My perspective on what is supposed to be done is a key point here I think. Its suggests to me that I'm out to have another look at things. Putting less pressure on myself and others while still doing what has to be done.
It could also be that I'm angry at me and hurting myself in the process, punishing myself for not doing the things I'm 'supposed' to do. Acheiving my goals has been a little blury recently. Like I know what I want but constantly have to remember me why. Low joy in the process. The thing I'm 'supposed' to do is just a cover up for 'higher' motives. Nothing is what it seems. In the sense that what you think you are accomplishing actually leads to something else ( from another perspective) .
I woke up walking on eggs not to disturb the cats (I have 2) , and since that dream I'm being more thoughtfull of my movements around the house to avoid stressing the cats and myself as well.
I noticed a bad habit that I've had for a long time. I would imagine my cat dying and what it would do to me. Like using my imagination to make me feel sad. I think I have been doing this for a while. And I also read recently that looking for such feelings could meen that I don't have much feelings at all, that I'm looking to experience something, like I'm blocking them or not experiencing them enough. This could be due to being a child of a narcissist. Where I was to be and feel a certain way.
I know for sure that I have a lot of work to do on self-importance, negative introject and empathy. At one point maybe 5 years ago, I auto-diagnosed myself being a Schizoid. Depression and lack of empathy were the reasons being my reasoning. After I cut all the sugar depression stopped drastically. I still have work to do on the diet there is still something wrong though.
I started to have feelings of compassion, until just a few years ago it was just a word in my vocabulary. Or maybe it was gone for a while and I never noticed it was there at a young age.
:P
