Lopaka
A Disturbance in the Force
This is a bit of a hello again. Since I joined and then withdrew soon after. While I do have a point to this post. I would also like to offer an apology to those familiar with my first post. It did not go as intended. Oddly enough it seemed I no more than joined the site and things became unusual. Then in all honesty alarmingly difficult. That is until it dawned on me what must be happening. Which I can report, changed all of the most important aspects almost straight away.
Now, I had faced more than a few challenges before arriving here. Not to mention the fact that when I did first come by Laura and Ark. I was in several ways led to things to reflect poorly on them (shocker). Which luckily enough actually made me wonder why and check a few things out. Then these things became more subtle. Yet, powerful all the more for it. Such as those odd looks from the near and dears. Then of course the day came when I saw, what they did not know I could (in retrospect it made it all the more damning,, that silent secret accusation). Which was a website calling Laura a cult leader, conspiracy theorist, anti-semetic,, ect and that Ark had run off, money issues (yep, all the red button words that make us turn up the news). Now at first I was hurt. Could those who knew me so well, possibly think I was crazy or duped by a cult? Then I was angry. Then I was uncertain. Was I crazy? HAD I BEEN DUPED BY A CULT?!! Well thank god I figured that out before I got too involved! Then that voice in me told me to look again and remove my emotions. Which I did and then saw some pretty obvious weak links and the illusion fell apart.
Time went by and faced more than a few set backs. Overcame those and continued the search. Ended up getting "Secret History of the World". Using info from the Cass site and my own research to unravel a question or two. There is much to learn. It can seem daunting, but a thrill at the same time. So feeling as though I was at the very least getting a handle on the concept. Time to network a bit. I thought I was better at recognizing an attack then I apparently was,,, surprise!
So, now we are back to first joining here and that going very oddly for me. Resulting in withdrawing. At that point I felt as though I was still engaged and seeking. I was not. I was disoriented and angry about nothing or things I was never bothered by. I continued to at least track news on Sott, but not track down threads of interest as normal. For all intensive purposes I had set aside meaningful research. I still thought I was engaged. Yet physically and mentally I was spiralling down fast. I won't go into every detail. But it got bad and fast. Unusual and with no apparent cause, physical problems. The worst was the mental attack. Thoughts that in reality make no sense. Yet, they were calling the shots briefly. Not pleasent ones either. Yet all the while on a surface level I kept up. I pondered. I recognized manipulations, ect. Which is why I wanted to make this post. As it may help someone else recognize out of rhythm patterns. I really wanted to remind anyone peeling the layers of the onion. How tricky and cleverly dangerous it can be. When those who wish to keep the secrets. Have such a handy toolbox of nasty tricks to use.
Though I only realized it at about three in the morning this past Saturday. Having come home after work and heading straight for my room to rest. I was now deep in the worst pain of a three day headache. Granted I have always suffered headaches more than the average person it seems. In fact to the degree that often a mild headache is not really noticed. I also have had bad bouts with migraines since childhood. Yet that has been far less in recent years. But here I was with this headache that was like none I had ever had and all of them wrapped up together (symptom wise). It is amazing how difficult the past couple weeks have been. Physical pains and unexplained or wildly out of character reactions. I really felt as though I was cracking up. Between the headache and sinus pressure nothing would touch. Dark thoughts and an oddly matter of fact hopelessness. Then I opened my eyes and turned on the light at 3am. With one thought on my mind. I have been under attack. I will spare the tedious proocess of my associative thoughts. I will say from that point I realized not only had it been an attack. It was beautifully and viciously deceptive. Though a few things just rang off with a clear head. Thoughts not of my personality or intent. A couple so opposite that I am now stunned they did not shake me free as they occured. I do think they were a major factor in the recognition of manipulation. It is also interesting to note that the unusual headache was distracting to say the least and at peaks when these thoughts occured. The most interesting thing to note though was for the majority of the time it was subtle. Meaning taking a very minor concern or fear and amplifiing. Since I was aware of the flaws so to speak. They seemed genuine. Of me if you will. Because it WAS, but during this time it was as though through a megaphone. Things like that came immediately into perspective. The light was back on. In more than one way.
I actually resumed my research (including some tied to cass) that very night. For the next several hours I hit on some major realizations and confirmations for me. It seemed sudden but in reality was months of work come to fuition. This is the same research that was derailed at the time of joining this site. I don't tell this for any reason other than perhaps it helps someone else who may be in a struggle. As I have no doubt that is what it was. It is hard to explain the sense of returning to self that night. Doesn't mean other attacks won't happen. Which was something I understood even before,, in theory. But I realize in some important ways I left guards down. It is easy to do I think.
Now, I had faced more than a few challenges before arriving here. Not to mention the fact that when I did first come by Laura and Ark. I was in several ways led to things to reflect poorly on them (shocker). Which luckily enough actually made me wonder why and check a few things out. Then these things became more subtle. Yet, powerful all the more for it. Such as those odd looks from the near and dears. Then of course the day came when I saw, what they did not know I could (in retrospect it made it all the more damning,, that silent secret accusation). Which was a website calling Laura a cult leader, conspiracy theorist, anti-semetic,, ect and that Ark had run off, money issues (yep, all the red button words that make us turn up the news). Now at first I was hurt. Could those who knew me so well, possibly think I was crazy or duped by a cult? Then I was angry. Then I was uncertain. Was I crazy? HAD I BEEN DUPED BY A CULT?!! Well thank god I figured that out before I got too involved! Then that voice in me told me to look again and remove my emotions. Which I did and then saw some pretty obvious weak links and the illusion fell apart.
Time went by and faced more than a few set backs. Overcame those and continued the search. Ended up getting "Secret History of the World". Using info from the Cass site and my own research to unravel a question or two. There is much to learn. It can seem daunting, but a thrill at the same time. So feeling as though I was at the very least getting a handle on the concept. Time to network a bit. I thought I was better at recognizing an attack then I apparently was,,, surprise!
So, now we are back to first joining here and that going very oddly for me. Resulting in withdrawing. At that point I felt as though I was still engaged and seeking. I was not. I was disoriented and angry about nothing or things I was never bothered by. I continued to at least track news on Sott, but not track down threads of interest as normal. For all intensive purposes I had set aside meaningful research. I still thought I was engaged. Yet physically and mentally I was spiralling down fast. I won't go into every detail. But it got bad and fast. Unusual and with no apparent cause, physical problems. The worst was the mental attack. Thoughts that in reality make no sense. Yet, they were calling the shots briefly. Not pleasent ones either. Yet all the while on a surface level I kept up. I pondered. I recognized manipulations, ect. Which is why I wanted to make this post. As it may help someone else recognize out of rhythm patterns. I really wanted to remind anyone peeling the layers of the onion. How tricky and cleverly dangerous it can be. When those who wish to keep the secrets. Have such a handy toolbox of nasty tricks to use.
Though I only realized it at about three in the morning this past Saturday. Having come home after work and heading straight for my room to rest. I was now deep in the worst pain of a three day headache. Granted I have always suffered headaches more than the average person it seems. In fact to the degree that often a mild headache is not really noticed. I also have had bad bouts with migraines since childhood. Yet that has been far less in recent years. But here I was with this headache that was like none I had ever had and all of them wrapped up together (symptom wise). It is amazing how difficult the past couple weeks have been. Physical pains and unexplained or wildly out of character reactions. I really felt as though I was cracking up. Between the headache and sinus pressure nothing would touch. Dark thoughts and an oddly matter of fact hopelessness. Then I opened my eyes and turned on the light at 3am. With one thought on my mind. I have been under attack. I will spare the tedious proocess of my associative thoughts. I will say from that point I realized not only had it been an attack. It was beautifully and viciously deceptive. Though a few things just rang off with a clear head. Thoughts not of my personality or intent. A couple so opposite that I am now stunned they did not shake me free as they occured. I do think they were a major factor in the recognition of manipulation. It is also interesting to note that the unusual headache was distracting to say the least and at peaks when these thoughts occured. The most interesting thing to note though was for the majority of the time it was subtle. Meaning taking a very minor concern or fear and amplifiing. Since I was aware of the flaws so to speak. They seemed genuine. Of me if you will. Because it WAS, but during this time it was as though through a megaphone. Things like that came immediately into perspective. The light was back on. In more than one way.
I actually resumed my research (including some tied to cass) that very night. For the next several hours I hit on some major realizations and confirmations for me. It seemed sudden but in reality was months of work come to fuition. This is the same research that was derailed at the time of joining this site. I don't tell this for any reason other than perhaps it helps someone else who may be in a struggle. As I have no doubt that is what it was. It is hard to explain the sense of returning to self that night. Doesn't mean other attacks won't happen. Which was something I understood even before,, in theory. But I realize in some important ways I left guards down. It is easy to do I think.
Ah, the little things. Granted I am sure faux pas and typo will exist. I will attempt to break that habit.