Eva
Jedi
Hello all,
Haven't been posting again, but I was following the forum although with larger intervals lately. Not because I think it's even slightly less interesting than it used to be, but because I took myself through a really long and -hopefully- deep reality check. For a year and a half now I've been following the diet, and made myself a supplement list after a long research which at first seemed impossible to carry out. I took myself from the cloud I was living in, thinking that the cruelty and absurdity of life is unbearable and foolish and tried to make myself effective regardless. I'm in a much better place now than I used to be when I first came in contact with this work, better externally as well as internally.
I would like to talk about something that's been happening to me since July. I feel myself alienated in a very specific way. While it used to be an amazing effort to bring myself to make what I called small talk - discussing things that I deemed unworthy of even mentioning - now it's quite possible to follow the thoughts of someone who speaks endlessly about ie. their kids and what they made for dinner. I look at an obyvatel instead of a suburban fool with no interests in life. I can actually follow the discussion and smile genuinely but at the same time feel so terribly alone, in a loneliness that's indescribable because there is no one to blame for it. And there's no desire to come out of it because I wouldn't want to be them, I want to Be.
I have learned a few things about sharing my time and space - I realized that shutting myself out (or in) was expressing the exact opposite of what I thought I was about. And I frankly had shivers for days when I actually realized that.
At the same time, I took a very big step away from what I now see as disinformation , which used to be what I thought of us 'finally different than just minding what one eats and how their body feels'. That accounts for friends that went vegan all the way and shout 'corpses' even at the mention of meat, people that pretend to care for the nonphysical aspects of life but actually just contemplate their belly buttons or worse start taking (and spreading) orders from some 'light being' that popped up.
I think I may have trapped myself a bit though, because while on the one hand I purposely filled my life with practicality and logic I think I may have gone a step too far. I have my books and that's the only meaningful company - they do act as alarms when I manage to hear them but that's not as often as it should be. I am not complaining but I think I have reached a standstill. I wish I could be more active on the forum so that I could be part of the work - because otherwise I am completely alone in it.
I'm afraid I spent more time reading and trying to really understand and live by my new understandings instead of putting some effort into communicating with you.
Thanks for reading - and being here :)
Haven't been posting again, but I was following the forum although with larger intervals lately. Not because I think it's even slightly less interesting than it used to be, but because I took myself through a really long and -hopefully- deep reality check. For a year and a half now I've been following the diet, and made myself a supplement list after a long research which at first seemed impossible to carry out. I took myself from the cloud I was living in, thinking that the cruelty and absurdity of life is unbearable and foolish and tried to make myself effective regardless. I'm in a much better place now than I used to be when I first came in contact with this work, better externally as well as internally.
I would like to talk about something that's been happening to me since July. I feel myself alienated in a very specific way. While it used to be an amazing effort to bring myself to make what I called small talk - discussing things that I deemed unworthy of even mentioning - now it's quite possible to follow the thoughts of someone who speaks endlessly about ie. their kids and what they made for dinner. I look at an obyvatel instead of a suburban fool with no interests in life. I can actually follow the discussion and smile genuinely but at the same time feel so terribly alone, in a loneliness that's indescribable because there is no one to blame for it. And there's no desire to come out of it because I wouldn't want to be them, I want to Be.
I have learned a few things about sharing my time and space - I realized that shutting myself out (or in) was expressing the exact opposite of what I thought I was about. And I frankly had shivers for days when I actually realized that.
At the same time, I took a very big step away from what I now see as disinformation , which used to be what I thought of us 'finally different than just minding what one eats and how their body feels'. That accounts for friends that went vegan all the way and shout 'corpses' even at the mention of meat, people that pretend to care for the nonphysical aspects of life but actually just contemplate their belly buttons or worse start taking (and spreading) orders from some 'light being' that popped up.
I think I may have trapped myself a bit though, because while on the one hand I purposely filled my life with practicality and logic I think I may have gone a step too far. I have my books and that's the only meaningful company - they do act as alarms when I manage to hear them but that's not as often as it should be. I am not complaining but I think I have reached a standstill. I wish I could be more active on the forum so that I could be part of the work - because otherwise I am completely alone in it.
I'm afraid I spent more time reading and trying to really understand and live by my new understandings instead of putting some effort into communicating with you.
Thanks for reading - and being here :)
