Lapse and Consequence

[HowToBe]

I've been trying to build up the nerve to post this message for a while. Hopefully I describe this well enough.

I'm trying to recover after having lapsed into several weeks of dissociation. My sleep hours went completely backwards (go to sleep at 6 AM, wake up whenever), I stopped making as many meals per day (I do most of the cooking these days), mostly let go of the dietary restrictions, and reverted back to spending hours a day playing computer games. There were a variety of causes, including temptation when we ended up with several boxes of "free" graham crackers via my father, guilt because my mom is sometimes frustrated with the dietary restrictions (partially or mostly relates to limited money recently), and of course these combined with bad sleep feed back into the mechanical behaviors. I basically gave up for a while, maybe because I felt overwhelmed.

During this time, I ended up with a "bubble" or swelling on my gum, and it actually felt like I could feel an "edge" to the bone around it, as if there was a hole in the bone! I did an internet search and learned that this could be an advanced stage of gum disease (symptoms aren't very noticeable or aggressive until your teeth start falling out, apparently!). So, I've dropped sugar and wheat entirely, as well as potatoes (we had been eating a lot of potatoes when the swelling first appeared, and I had been starting to suspect that I'm sensitive to them).

It seems that sleep is the "top priority" thing, just as important as diet. When my sleep hours get backwards, it seems I spend my days in a dissociative or dissociation-prone state, probably due to brain-chemical imbalance? This results in failure in every other area, including diet. Avoiding sugar greatly helps with mental clarity. I'm also doing Eiriu Eolas frequently now.

I typed this message up a couple days ago, and the swelling on my gums has shrunk dramatically over the last week in response to my efforts. I can feel what's underneath it now, and I don't seem to feel a hole, so either the bone is filling back in, or I was wrong before.

I need to get a job or get started in college, but I need to get these life factors under control first, I think. I cleaned my room up a couple days ago, which was inspiring. Going to bed now.

All input is welcome.

Edit: corrected "hold in the bone!" to "hole in the bone!"

 

[Approaching Infinity]

Hi HowToBe. You mentioned feeling overwhelmed before, and guilt over your mother's objections, but how do you feel about these recent 'lapses'? It's looks to me like there's a couple disconnects going on here, between your mind (your plans, the information you have), your emotions (misplaced guilt and suffering), and your practical efforts (diet, sleep patterns, activities). For now I'll just ask this, would you prefer the universe to send you these periodic shocks in order to get you back on track (your gum problems, for example), or would you prefer to really make a connection between what you KNOW and what you DO?

That said, it sounds to me like either you do not have a good grasp of WHY the behaviors you mentioned are unhealthy, or you just lack the will at this point to really put that knowledge into action. If that's the case, maybe you could make a list for yourself of all the reasons why you think it's important to get a handle on these behaviors. Wake up everyday and remind yourself of your list, look at it, prepare for all the temptations you'll have throughout the day, and when they pop up, remember your list.

 

[HowToBe]

For now I'll just ask this, would you prefer the universe to send you these periodic shocks in order to get you back on track (your gum problems, for example), or would you prefer to really make a connection between what you KNOW and what you DO?

Well, knowing that permanent damage can occur when wake-up calls go ignored, I want to heed the warnings, but maybe that is fear talking. I guess I'd rather be the guy up and doing things rather than the guy asleep on the table getting "shocked" just to have a "fighting chance" at life. :(

[quote author=Approaching Infinity]That said, it sounds to me like either you do not have a good grasp of WHY the behaviors you mentioned are unhealthy, or you just lack the will at this point to really put that knowledge into action.[/quote]
Definitely more of the latter. There are some days when I do feel aware and in control of my actions, during which I can accomplish many times the amount of work I do in an ordinary day, but it is somewhat unpredictable. I have determined that it relates to diet and sleep most strongly, and after those two factors, Eiriu Eolas' seems to do what it can with what it is given. But, I'm learning that these things are not enough, because I end up waiting to "hit the lottery" and get one of those days of clarity before I can accomplish anything notable. So, yeah, willpower.

I will try what you have suggested. It actually reminds me that I have been meaning to print out some "reminders" to hang on my wall for a while.

[edit] Fixed a couple mistakes.

 

[HowToBe]

"Shock list" drafted and printed.

 

[XRz]

I am in a similar boat as you HowToBe in terms of my will lacking when it comes to participating in unhealthy behaviors. The idea of making a list to remind myself as to why doing this is paramount to moving forward, and why doing this is not, seems so simple and yet i can see it making a notable impact in how i conduct myself each day. Thank you for the suggestion AI, and thank you for making this topic HowToBe.

 

[HowToBe]

I'm glad that the discussion might be useful to you, XRz.

For what it's worth, I just made a post in another thread I started that contains some of my thoughts that sort of relate to this topic. I think I have a major confidence problem or something that ties into all of this somehow. I'm feeling really confused at the moment. I don't want to waste people's time, but I don't know how to figure these things out on my own and see myself clearly. I'm trying to make efforts in "self remembering", but I'm finding I recently lack the mental continuity to keep from dissociating almost immediately whenever I try. As I type these things I find myself feeling somehow "false", like I really have no idea what I'm talking about.

 

[luke wilson]

I'm glad that the discussion might be useful to you, XRz.

For what it's worth, I just made a post in another thread I started that contains some of my thoughts that sort of relate to this topic. I think I have a major confidence problem or something that ties into all of this somehow. I'm feeling really confused at the moment. I don't want to waste people's time, but I don't know how to figure these things out on my own and see myself clearly. I'm trying to make efforts in "self remembering", but I'm finding I recently lack the mental continuity to keep from dissociating almost immediately whenever I try. As I type these things I find myself feeling somehow "false", like I really have no idea what I'm talking about.

On top of the note you have written for yourself, maybe you can also write an additional one setting time limits on how long you game and when you think is the most reasonable time to go to bed and try to stick to that. Also I think you should really give this art thing a go, not just talk about it and then end up putting it to the side. That is if your passion truly lies with art.

Also look into college or job, whichever you prefer. Don't just talk about it, go out there, go to college open days, see what they have to offer, do the same for work. Just do something!!! Take a book and read it, basically find things which are more life and health affirming to substitute into the many hours during the day where you feel you've got nothing better to do than game and be lazy.

I basically gave up for a while, maybe because I felt overwhelmed.

Subsitute overwhelmed with lazy and I think you'll be hitting closer to the truth.

I hope this helps.

 

[Approaching Infinity]

I'm glad that the discussion might be useful to you, XRz.

For what it's worth, I just made a post in another thread I started that contains some of my thoughts that sort of relate to this topic. I think I have a major confidence problem or something that ties into all of this somehow.

Here's an exercise to help build confidence. Every day, give yourself a task and DO it. Under no circumstances fail to succeed in your task. Sound difficult? It doesn't have to be. You can choose anything. In fact, it's best to start small and do something that is almost impossible NOT to do. "I aim today to wash this dish." "I aim to flush this toilet." "I aim read this article." And then you wash it, flush it, or read it, while keeping in mind that it was your aim to do so. Make your tasks a little harder each time. The purpose is to exercise your will. After a while, you'll have a whole list of things you aimed to do, that you actually DID. More difficult things will become easier because you KNOW you can fulfill your aims. "I aim not to play videogames today." And in your mind throughout your day you make SURE to complete your aim.

I'm feeling really confused at the moment. I don't want to waste people's time, but I don't know how to figure these things out on my own and see myself clearly. I'm trying to make efforts in "self remembering", but I'm finding I recently lack the mental continuity to keep from dissociating almost immediately whenever I try. As I type these things I find myself feeling somehow "false", like I really have no idea what I'm talking about.

That's your various 'I's. It's also why keeping a list handy helps. You are one 'I' when you write it, but others will pop up. By looking at your list you can remind yourself, and the 'I' that wrote it will become stronger. It's like feeding one branch of a tree and starving another. Eventually the it will grow, and the other one will die.

 

[HowToBe]

Thanks for all of the help. It's difficult trying to keep on track, but I think these things may be helping. It was possibly a contributing factor in helping me make the bold step of entering the art show I just joined. (Documented here: [Link])

Also, I would like to mention something that I've been wondering about. It seems almost as if something has been clouding my thinking and making it very difficult to maintain awareness, aside from diet and sleep. Nothing major seems to have changed in my life since the several week "moment of clarity" that I experienced during the beginning of this year. So I'm beginning to wonder if some external force is acting on me. I've been wondering about this for several weeks now.

The only changes I can think of in my environment are that we got a new TV (HD, digital I presume), and we got a new computer, although I was using the computer several weeks before my "lapse" occurred, as I recall.

So either something has changed in me, or something has changed in my environment, or both, to cause this. I'm going to find out if we have a "smart meter" installed near our home, and if so, when it was installed, to see if electromagnetic interference could be the problem.

 

[anart]

How much TV do you watch? A HD digital TV can definitely scramble your brain. I recommend killing your TV, but I doubt that's going to happen - so maybe limit your exposure to once a week for an hour or so? (I doubt that will happen as well since television is extremely addictive - thus the brain scramble.)

 

[Eongar]

How much TV do you watch? A HD digital TV can definitely scramble your brain. I recommend killing your TV, but I doubt that's going to happen - so maybe limit your exposure to once a week for an hour or so? (I doubt that will happen as well since television is extremely addictive - thus the brain scramble.)

I have a year and six months without TV and I felt what I was stupefied, and saw no more than 1:30 hours a day. Remove the TV from your life can change many things more than you think.

 

[HowToBe]

How much TV do you watch?

I maybe pay direct attention to it for 1-3 hours a day, it's hard to say what's the average. The trouble is that my mom watches it a lot (she has physical problems, and she has become quite used to TV and video games), and it's in the living room, the same room as the computer I use, and is the only path between other rooms and the kitchen. If it were only for me to choose I might never turn it on, but it's hard for me to ignore for the whole time when it's going. I've mentioned to her that I feel like it gives me information overload to have it going all the time like that when I'm trying to read, and she seems to understand, but no solution has presented itself.

Remove the TV from your life can change many things more than you think.

I don't doubt it.

 

[truth seeker]

How much TV do you watch?

I maybe pay direct attention to it for 1-3 hours a day, it's hard to say what's the average. The trouble is that my mom watches it a lot (she has physical problems, and she has become quite used to TV and video games), and it's in the living room, the same room as the computer I use, and is the only path between other rooms and the kitchen. If it were only for me to choose I might never turn it on, but it's hard for me to ignore for the whole time when it's going. I've mentioned to her that I feel like it gives me information overload to have it going all the time like that when I'm trying to read, and she seems to understand, but no solution has presented itself.

Remove the TV from your life can change many things more than you think.

I don't doubt it.

Have you considered using head/earphones plugged into the computer? Maybe you can either stream some calming music or put in some cd's?

 

[HowToBe]

Have you considered using head/earphones plugged into the computer? Maybe you can either stream some calming music or put in some cd's?

I've never really considered trying to drown it out... I'm not sure whether that would remove the overstimulation element, but I might give it a try to remove distraction.

I've considered the idea of getting some of those noise-cancellation headphones. I'll have to find out what they cost. Money is tight around here. Makes reading the "Preparedness" thread a little troubling.